My ex won’t take no for an answer when trying to get back together

[Northampton86]

My (37f) ex partner (46m) broke up around 3 months ago due to a pretty bad argument in which my ex overreacted to an off the cuff comment I made over dinner. Following this, he ignored me all night, refusing to look or talk to me and this continued for a further two days which caused me a lot of anguish.

My ex (by his own admission) was not good at handling conflict and with each disagreement (whether my fault or his), would swear at me, especially when drunk, give me the silent treatment, not answer my calls, and tell me he’s not interested in what I have to say. This behaviour happened a lot over the space of the last year or so. I am a talker and would try and resolve things, so would get very anxious and distraught when I literally could not talk things through. Each time he would threaten to break up with me and in desperation I would be the peace keeper and try to make things better. It was very damaging to my self esteem and mental health.

The final straw was during a mini break in which the major incident happened over dinner and I finished things then and there as I could imagine continuing my life with someone like that.

Since the break up, my ex has been contacting me constantly - calling,texting, begging me to get together with him. I told him no and that I want to put myself first and that I am just done with his behaviour. I must have received 30 messages last weekend and it fills me with dread. The messages vary from saying how much he loves and misses me, to how he thinks I never loved him, how I’ve abandoned him, how I’ve given up on us and walked away. That he’s committed to change, that he now realised what he’s got and he will never treat me like that again.

I am done emotionally, but he is making me feel so guilty as I don’t like to think of anyone hurting or in pain. I have blocked him on socials and WhatsApp but he will just use another device to message.

I’m at a point where I can’t think straight - I don’t want to be with him but how do I stop feeling such guilt?? Especially as I feel such a sense of relief after ending it and he’s suffering.

The advice to block can be quite dangerous. If they can't access their victim it engages them. Then they start hammering on the door. Not blocking means you have evidence for the police and you have an insight into their state of mind.
That doesn't mean you have to put up with it though. Definitely report.

Send him one message saying he is harassing you and if he doesn’t stop immediately then you will call the police.

Save everything he’s sent and don’t engage further. If he tries to contact you again, report him to the police.

This happened to my friend and the police did interview him under caution and ban him from contacting her and being within an area around her home.

This.

Send him one last text or email - tell him the relationshipnis over, and his texts/ emails/ calls are to end immediately, and any further attempts by him to contact you will be reported to the police as harassment.

Then block him on your phone, your email, your SM, and any other access points.

And do not look back.

If he does try to contact you, you will need to follow through and go to the police.

If he comes knocking on the door after you've given him the warning, call the police. You can record the incident on your phone too.

If you notice him hanging around your home area or your workplace, take photos and make a report to the police.

OP I can totally understand this. My ex partner was king of the silent treatment. It is soul destroying and you do anything to please them. I was very much a people please due to an abusive upbringing so I was vulnerable to this treatment from my ex. I too felt terrible guilt when I finally ended it. He tried all sorts to get me back, but I stood my ground. Trust me, read some great books like 'Women Who Love Too Much' and 'Why Does He Do That'. It will help, I promise.

Have a rinse and repeat message typed put to copy and send in reply any time he tries to contact you. Block any numbers he tries to contact you on. His reactions and emotions are not your responsibility.

Ask yourself why you are feeling guilty? His behaviour is appalling and you were quite right to dump him.

Agree with the others that the only message you should send now is to tell him to stop contacting you.

He's conditioned you to feel guilty for not tolerating his bad behaviour, it's why you stayed with him for as long as you did because he has emotionally abused you and warped the way you think in regards to him and his actions. You say you don't want to see him upset and hurt but that's exactly how he has made you feel over and over. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be in a relationship where your needs are met, that is happy and healthy and full of laughter and fun. That will never happen with your ex.

Counselling is amazing if you can get it, will help you rebuild your self confidence and you would also qualify for help from woman's aid who are also brilliant, just google for your local branches number.

I wasn't blaming her and I'm sorry if it came across that way, and I take your comment on board also pp's comment re collating evidence. I just hope she sticks to her guns and doesn't cave in through feeling sorry for him.

He's not suffering. He's trying to control you. This says he doesn't respect your boundaries or opinions so you were right to bin him. Keep all messages, correspondence etc & report him for harassment.

As everyone else has said. One warning. Then police if he continues.

He's a nutter.
We don't negotiate with terrorists.
We let the authories handle them.

I don't like to think of anyone hurting or in pain

There you are then. You were hurting and in pain emotionally when you were in a relationship with him, and did he care about your feelings? No, he didn't. Not one jot.

As the old saying goes, don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Don't make your own life a misery because you don't want to think of him feeling bad. He didn't care about you. So you need to put yourself first.

You really do have two simple choices here, you either comply with his demands and pander to his manipulations and spend the rest of your one short life dealing with his bullshit, or you draw a line, learn to say no, mean it and back yourself up consistently.

It's unfortunately up to you, nobody is going to do this for you. There's a way out, or a way back to more of the same. Depends what you want.

@Northampton86 - good on you for walking away from this toxic man. It’s his fault he’s hurting. He took what could have been a good relationship with you and smashed it up. This is on him. You’ve taught him the very valuable lesson that if he mistreats people, he is likely to lose them.

Honestly, OP: don’t give his feelings another thought. Do talk to the police if he continues to harass you and emotionally blackmail you.

How to stop feeling guilty:

Remember this...

He didn't feel guilty when he gave you the silent treatment.

He didn't feel guilty when he told you that 'he was not interested in what you had to say'.

He didn't feel guilty when he didn't take your calls.

Rest assured, he's NOT hurting. And if he is, then it is his own doing. NOT YOURS.