My ex won’t take no for an answer when trying to get back together

[Northampton86]

My (37f) ex partner (46m) broke up around 3 months ago due to a pretty bad argument in which my ex overreacted to an off the cuff comment I made over dinner. Following this, he ignored me all night, refusing to look or talk to me and this continued for a further two days which caused me a lot of anguish.

My ex (by his own admission) was not good at handling conflict and with each disagreement (whether my fault or his), would swear at me, especially when drunk, give me the silent treatment, not answer my calls, and tell me he’s not interested in what I have to say. This behaviour happened a lot over the space of the last year or so. I am a talker and would try and resolve things, so would get very anxious and distraught when I literally could not talk things through. Each time he would threaten to break up with me and in desperation I would be the peace keeper and try to make things better. It was very damaging to my self esteem and mental health.

The final straw was during a mini break in which the major incident happened over dinner and I finished things then and there as I could imagine continuing my life with someone like that.

Since the break up, my ex has been contacting me constantly - calling,texting, begging me to get together with him. I told him no and that I want to put myself first and that I am just done with his behaviour. I must have received 30 messages last weekend and it fills me with dread. The messages vary from saying how much he loves and misses me, to how he thinks I never loved him, how I’ve abandoned him, how I’ve given up on us and walked away. That he’s committed to change, that he now realised what he’s got and he will never treat me like that again.

I am done emotionally, but he is making me feel so guilty as I don’t like to think of anyone hurting or in pain. I have blocked him on socials and WhatsApp but he will just use another device to message.

I’m at a point where I can’t think straight - I don’t want to be with him but how do I stop feeling such guilt?? Especially as I feel such a sense of relief after ending it and he’s suffering.

Send him a message that you will also keep a record of (email/text is good), saying that you don't want to hear from him again, and if you do, you'll be contacting the authorities regarding harassment.

Follow through if necessary.

Who did you have to take care of against your will as a child? You've learned this pattern somewhere.

Tell him to leave you alone and never contact you again and that if he does you will report it to the police as harassment, which is a criminal offence. And mean it.

Change your number. Dont go back to him or feel guilty

This - you have to give him one warning to never contact you again, once he breaks that you can go to the police and absolutely do it.

Text him not to contact you ever again.
Then block.
Get counseling.

The only way to stop feeling guilt is to go over and over what he said and did to you.

He swore at you, he gave you the silent treatment, was not interested in what you had to say, etc.

You need to stop feeling guilty and start feeling so angry about his behaviour towards you.

And, of course, block him and never contact him.

please say no children involved

Send one message.

"You are to stop all attempts to contact me. It is unwelcome and your behaviour is unacceptable. If you continue to do this, I will go to the police and report you for harassment. Do not contact me again."

Then you go to the police if he contacts you again.

Never going to happen

He is bombarding you with messages and this is making you feel guilty. This means he already has emotional control over you if you're feeling guilty. Why would this be?

He knows what he's doing by making you feel bad. Get yourself out of this mindset! Remember what he has done to you previously and keep that at the front of your mind.

Move forward.

Bless you. I've been in a similar situation recently myself. It's stressful being harassed 🌺🌺

You've got nothing to feel guilty about. He played with your emotions one too many times and found out that there are consequences to that behaviour. If anything, you're doing him a favour in the long term by showing him that people will not stick around if he treats them badly.

Be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself and choosing to walk away from manipulative behaviour.

Any man that won't accept no for an answer and stalks and harasses you to get their own way isn't worth your sympathy either.

You're doing the right thing.

Tell him if he contacts you even oneore time, you're going to the police.

You have got to take action here before this spirals out of control.

“You have sent me more than 30 messages this weekend. I will be clear as you seem to be not understanding this: I no longer want to receive any contact from you in any way whatsoever, virtually or in person, directly or indirectly. Leave me alone. If you keep behaving like this I will report it to the police.”

Do your friends and family know that you don’t want to hear from him? Give them strict instructions to tell him that they won’t pass on any messages or anything like that.

There's only so many ways he can contact you so you obviously haven't blocked him on everything.
He will not change.

send him a warning message ans actually do contact the police - just so they have a record if anything does happen

You have literally no reason to feel guilty. Why on earth would you feel guilty about not getting back together with a man who treated you like he did?

His current behaviour is all about him. He wants you at his beck and call, and thinks you should come running now that he's decided he wants you back. The way he is harrassing you, even though you have told him to stop, is just more proof that he has no respect for you or your boundaries. Tell him to leave you alone or you will call the police.

Can't you just block him?

Why do you feel you own him a response?

You need to be honest with yourself here, if you have broken things off, why are you in contact or replying to his messages?

You are not putting yourself first if you keep having to repeat this to your ex.
You own him no response. No explanation, and by staying in contact with him you are giving him false hope that there may be something in the future, he is just waiting for you to give in, and he will wait for this to happen for however long it takes, some men are just twats like that.

Send him a final message, if you are serious in cutting your losses, and advise him that this is now harassment and you will have no choice but to seek help from the police. Then you will need to block for at least 30 days. No contact. If he turns up at your place, this is when you will not engage but advice, again, that you will involve the police.

Assuming no kids involved as you’ve not mentioned them, just block him on everything and move on.

That amount of messages is ridiculous, and pointless since you have no intention of getting back with him, what’s stopping you blocking him?

Stop letting him guilt trip you. You are allowed to end a relationship whenever you want and you definitely had good reason. He's learned from the experience and is willing to change, great, his next girlfriend can benefit from that (but he won't change).

I'd text him 'you are right, I have given up on this relationship and walked away, and there's nothing wrong with doing that. Life is not a country and western song, I don't have to stand by a man who treats me badly. Do not contact me again, I have no interest in you now'.

Then block him on everything.

Enjoy your much nicer life 😄

I had an ex who acted like this, only via snail mail. It was really horrible. Eventually he gave up started snagging someone else but I hated it while it was going on. Stay tough OP.

Don't blame the OP for being harassed. These people can be persistent. If you block their number, it's calls from withheld numbers. If you block one number from messaging you, they get another one. If you change your number, they set up random social media accounts to contact you. They send you letters and gifts. They turn up at your house or workplace. They send emails from random email addresses.

My ex has been blocked for several months and he still finds ways to contact me. I've even called the police which still didn't stop him.

It's a stressful enough experience without anyone suggesting you're partially to blame for it.

Just block him. He didn’t care about your feelings so why do you think you need to care about his? Stop tying yourself in knots over a low grade man who treated you really badly.

I’d send one message as pp said about leaving you alone or you will report to the police and do just that if he doesn’t listen. And don’t be surprised if you hear the classic “il kill myself if you don’t take me back” line, good on you for walking away maybe change your number if it is possible?