I sometimes feel like crap with my boyfriend

[Chrissie377]

Let me start by saying that my partner(40 M) has been a good and supportive one and cares and loves me about me (37 F) a lot. We don't know each other for long, 1 year but I fell pregnant early in the relationship. I feel like sometimes he does invalidate my feelings and experiences. He said to me that he wants to get married with me when our kid can be a bridesmaid so that she can deliver the rings. This is his vision according to him.

I understand that and everything. We live together and have joint accounts, my name is on the tenancy agreement as a permitted occupant (not as tenant, we said that on March 2025 when the contract renews I will be in the tenancy agreement). My name is on the council tax with his name and on some of the bills. The past 2 days I asked him what is his intention from now on since we have a baby, cohabit and we are saving to buy a house. He told me that he is surprised with this question as I already know that he wants to marry me. I explained that I would like to have some assurances since we aren't married such as to sign a cohabitation agreement. He refused to sign that as he said that he doesn't need a piece of paper to dictate his relationship with me. I told him I really need to know if he is serious about us and this is a stable relationship and he is not just gonna walk away and not pay any support if we break up. He said that our girl is on the birth certificate and in this event the law is gonna chase him for support. He assured me he would never avoid child support. He didn't understand why I need assurances at this stage despite I explained to him why.

Yesterday another event that happened as an icing on the cake is that I was with his mum at an all day event with the baby and on the way back my battery died but I did have a contactless card for the travel (UK) This didn't work on the first bus we took for some reason but it worked on the second. His mum said that she won't leave us to go home alone despite that she would get out of her way for home. I told her multiple times she doesn't need to do that as she had a long day and we would be fine. She said she wanted to come with us just to make sure we are safe regardless of the battery situation. When I went home he was angry because his mum came with us as my battery died and she was worried (that's what he understood). I told him this is not the case she wanted to make sure we are safe regardless. Then he went on saying how he is angry that his mum wasn't home because of me. Then I snapped and we argued but then we calmed down and had a normal convo. He thought that because of this event I'm asking for reassurances now with regards to our relationship as he thinks I'm scared that because I have no family in the UK and we aren't married, that his family will gang up on me and they will take my baby. I said its not that I just wanna make sure where we are heading as a family and as a couple. He said that I'm on the flat contract and he can add me in the rest of the bills if it makes me feel more comfortable but he said he never asked assurances of me as he trusts me and loves me a lot and he really intends to marry me as he views our relationship as forever.

Anyway these are some recent examples. Also his family and other people keep mentioning how our daughter looks so much like her dad. I can't help but be bothered about this as it feels invalidating and a bit not so nice to me really. They might not mean any harm but I don't feel good. I feel like I'm not equal. Also he helps with our daughter but not as much as I want. He helped quite a bit the first month as he was on paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. I understand he is working but I would want him to hold her more.

This is what I feel currently. I don't know if all this is justified or a start of a postpartum depression.

tl;dr partner doesnt seem to want to give me security

You posted this exact thing yesterday.

So you are on the tenancy agreement (albeit not as a full tenant), and you share finances? I assme that means you have equal access to money? And you are engaged to be married in a few years.

I don't really understand what more you want right now. I mean, there's a lot to be said for having better legal protection with a young child, but if you already have equal access to combined finances, I'm not sure wht more you want here?

The bit about his mother and the bus is very confusing.

Families always bang on about how children look like the person they are related to. Ditto, "ooh, he's going to be a musician like his daddy" or "ooh, yes, you always cried a lot at that age" or "Ooh, she's clearly going to do lots of dance like mummy" etc etc etc. Don't let that bother you.

To be perfectly honest, and maybe a bit blunt, you actually sound like quite hard work. You've barely been together 5 minutes, yet you live together, have a baby and a joint bank account, and it sounds like he does his share of parenting and is constantly reassuring you. What more do you want? Rather than insisting on some kind of life itinerary, enjoy being together and having a child.

I think you're feeling insecure because you know something is off. He seems quite gaslight-y.

He refused to sign that as he said that he doesn't need a piece of paper to dictate his relationship with me.

Yet he's the one who says he definitely wants to marry you. Why can't you get married now if that's the case? He's talking out of both sides of his mouth.

Because we have been with each other a year and he has the vision where our daughter is a bridesmaid and gives us the rings. Which is really sweet. However I don't understand why he wouldn't wanna sign a cohabitation agreement with me. Its not marriage or engagement.

We ain't engaged we are just bf/gf

Ye so he was mad because his mother didn't go straight home and stayed with us until we got the next bus. I didn't understand why he was mad as it was her decision and we told her multiple times go home instead as its been a long day

Well, while you're not legal partners, you need to maintain your income and job prospects, so you need to go back to work full-time when maternity leave is over, and share the childcare and expenses equally.

And don't be the default parent who always takes time off when she's sick or on holiday or doing all the pickups. He needs to do that 50/50 too. Don't let yourself be disadvantaged while he carries on unaffected.

He can't have it all ways.

It's not just a piece of paper.

That's exactly what I'm doing. When he goes out with friends for example I arrange to go out immediately after. I do have backbone and he is my partner so I have to take him on his word however life time and time again has proven to me that people cam be and will be unreliable no matter how close or trusted are to you.

In my entire post you only picked up on the fact that I said you're engaged and you say you're not (I made an assumption because he's said you'll get married when your DD is a certain age, but fair enough, that's not official).

You said you have equal access to finances. You've subsequently said that you've gone back to work. that you get time away from the home/baby.

I'm usually the first to shout about men taking advantage of women etc but I'm just not seeing it. And yes, him being all snippy about his mum is weird and shows he's not very nice necessarily, but that's different.

He refused to sign that as he said that he doesn't need a piece of paper to dictate his relationship with me.

But he says he wants to get married. I don't think you will be getting married, so protect yourself.

I'll go back to work on the 28th of June. In the meantime I'm still getting paid full salary in mat leave. I primarily work from home and therefore I don't get time away really no. When she is a bit older I'll go to the office once a week. He wants marriage without anything interim as I understand. Bf/gf and then boom marriage. We are saving to buy a house as well in a few yrs.

I dont want to think that he is using me just to save money. He says he loves me and I love him too I just don't wanna get mugged off

To be fair we only know each other a year. I just don't understand why wouldn't he sign an agreement with me to dictate the type of relationship we have and our living arrangements shall something unfortunate happens

But do you have equal access to finances? All your money, and all his money, goes into a joint accont? And then, from there, all expenses are paid and you both have money as needed for you to spend as needed/desired?

And are you stuck at home or not? In an earlier post you said you arrangd to go out immediately after he does. So that suggests that you ARE getting roughly the same amount of time out of the home but of course, as you're on mat leave, you're overall at home more.

What do you want this piece of paper to say?

If you had joint assets, that would make sense to me as you'd need to protect those in the case of a separation. You could ask him to sign to say he'd pay x in child support if you separated, but I suspect that would be pretty difficult to enforce outside of whatever CMS would consider the correct amount he'd have to pay.

If he's got lots of savings and you don't, then yes, I can see you wanting some protection. The better option would be to agree that ongoing savings (towards the house) are split - 50% in his name and 50% in yours. Then neither of you has a claim should you break up. Once the house is purchased, if you're not married by then, of course you should both be on the mortgage and the title deeds.

With hindsight, rushing into having a child with someone you barely knew was not a good idea. But it's done now.

On the face of it, he is taking his parental responsibility seriously. However, the bus story, whilst somewhat confusing, suggests that he has an 'off' side. How often does he behave like this? Do you sense that something is not quite right? Are there signs he is controlling?

Regarding marriage: it is possible that he is merely future faking. The daughter as bridesmaid tale is rather stupid and suggests a focus on playacting rather than the commitment that is the basis for a shared married life. On the other hand, as you have only been together for such a short time, it's understandable that he is not quite ready to fully commit.

I think you'd be wise to stop harassing him about a cohabitation agreement or similar, whilst ensuring that you are financially independent by going back to work as soon as possible. But do ensure he pays an equal share of all child related expenses, including childcare.

Are you planning to have childcare when you're wfh? Because trying to juggle a baby and work is a real good way of not doing either well enough.

We have our separate accounts as well but the money for the groceries baby expenses child benefit are going to this account. We have a house fund and a baby saving fund too.

I'm not sure what you are looking for with this piece of paper. I doubt it would have legal validity.

What you want is him contributing in proportion to his salary and equal access to joint money.

Plus valid wills naming each other as beneficiaries. The latter is very important - even young people sometimes die, and being unmarried you'd have no claim on his estate.

I'm sorry, I know I sound like i'm hounding you but I really don't understand where your concerns are.

If I'm understanding correctly, he is paying his share of child and house related costs (is that 50/50 or based on income proportions - is he paying significantly more if he earns more and you're worried that if you split you will struggle on one salary). And you have joint savings that are in joint names?

So I agree, what is it that you want a cohabitation agreement to clarify?

Yes, I'd add that to my list - wills to ensure you're protected if he dies. Ditto being named as beneficiary (or the baby being named) of any life insurance I guess.

You've allowed yourself to get in this situation. In a perfect world you would have met, spend a few years together, married then had the baby. But it's all happened very fast in your relationship, a baby in the first year and no marriage. I understand how you feel vulnerable but equally I understand why he wouldn't want to get married yet. It's all a bit too much too soon? I don't understand what this agreement you want him to sign will specify?
I would concentrate on making your finances joint and get on the tenancy.

I think she just feels a bit insecure and would like him to commit legally. Which is understandable when she's just had a baby and is probably a bit more worried about things than normal and may not be feeling great in herself.

Yes they've only been together a short time, but that probably adds to the anxiety about where it's going.

Some of the finances are joint but not all. As for the tenancy I'm gonna be in next year as we agreed that we didn't want our rent to be increased. Definitely is too soon for marriage. The cohabitation agreement would outline the type of relationship and terms about finances, what happens in terms of Illness separation etc

But you're still not clear. If you break up, do you want a signed document saying that he'll pay you x per month? That's just never going to happen and wouldn't be worth 10p after a few years when finances have changed.

What's more important is that while you're not married, you need to both be financially independent and any financial benefits as a rseult of being together are shared.

For example, if he's got loads of disposable income because you're paying half the rent, but you're so skint you can't even afford to go out for a coffee with a friend... that's bad.

If you have similar amounts of disposable income because one of you is paying proportionally more of the bills due to earning more, that's good. BUT, should you break up, even if you were married, it's very unlikely you'd continue to get that level of support.