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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Conflicted

36 replies

moonlightandstars · 08/04/2024 12:52

This is a long one.

I've been with my partner a year, we have a baby on the way (I'm 9w).
We met at work.
Before we got close and started dating, I was friends with a few guys at work (as well as girls but obvs that isnt an issue for him), one of the guys would text me a bit and we would text sometimes (nothing romantic, always platonic). And he (my bf now) would flirt around with other women at work, give them lifts home, hang out with them outside work, discuss his personal matters, like their half naked photos on social media etc). I didn't have a problem and just thought he may be a bit of a flirt. We weren't together at this point so why would it be a problem.
Then we got serious and his jealousy became apparent, so for the sake of argument I stopped speaking to the guy outside of work and would stop being so friendly with the other guys at work as well because it would just cause him to get angry and call me nasty names/put my character down/make out I'm a sl@g). He said he didn't understand how I could give my personal phone number to this guy from work.......?
To point out, we are from different cultures and his is supposedly very strict.
To add, he also stopped giving the girls lifts and liking their semi-naked photos to "show his respect" to me....

He is a very moody man, one minute he's lovely and we are having an absolute blast in our relationship and the next he's angry, grumpy, making up stories about me in his head and believing them and accusing me of all sorts, calling me names and again, putting me down.
He also criticised me alot and tries to constantly correct me. He says it's to improve me as a person.

He could ignore me for days if he was grumpy about something, he gives the silent treatment as punishment, although he says it's because he just "wants to be quiet".

He also makes it very clear when he's angry that I'm disposable, that he could easily leave me if he wanted to. Although he says he says it in anger and doesn't mean it.....

We had a row last night because he brought up the guy from work I was friends with, who I haven't even spoke to for months and months and months since I left that job! Saying he doesn't believe we weren't flirting before we got together etc, he doesn't believe what I'm saying etc. The same row of events had over and over and over again in the past. Even tho if we were flirting (which we really weren't, this guy is absolutely not attractive to me in any single way) we weren't even in a relationship or even seeing each other at that point either!?)...

On the other hand, when he's in a happy mood I feel like nothing can ever go wrong, I feel so in love and content with life! Even though on the inside I'm worried I'll do something wrong and he will get angry or grumpy with me.

He woke up angry this morning I'm assuming after last night, he hasn't text me all day today, he's at work and I'm off on annual leave, he usually texts me all day when he can. And my anxiety is through the roof, I'm so worried about what he will be like when he gets home this evening.

Basically, has anyone ever been in something similar like this before!? I think I know the answer to all of the questions in my head, but sometimes it's easier to hear these things from strangers.

Thank you for reading (if you made it this far!)

OP posts:
IceCreamWoes · 08/04/2024 12:55

Absolute major red flags and I'd get rid, personally. At best, he will stay the same. At worst, well, it's controlling and coercive behaviour and abuse at its finest.

RollingRocknRoll · 08/04/2024 12:56

The hills >> Run, don't walk

AntonFeckoff · 08/04/2024 12:57

Do you really want to live your life like this? Or bring a little baby into this, who grows up scared of his moods? Please speak to Women's Aid.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2024 12:58

because it would just cause him to get angry and call me nasty names/put my character down/make out I'm a sl@g).

He is a very moody man, one minute he's lovely and we are having an absolute blast in our relationship and the next he's angry, grumpy, making up stories about me in his head and believing them and accusing me of all sorts, calling me names and again, putting me down.
He also criticised me alot and tries to constantly correct me. He says it's to improve me as a person.

I'll come straight to the point. This man is very, very dangerous. He is an abuser and his abuse is only going to get worse.

Bringing a baby into this, with him as the father, is a massive, massive mistake. Do not tie yourself to this man and don't subject a baby to life with a father like him.

Vegandiva · 08/04/2024 12:58

Get out now, this man could end up being very dangerous. Read up on coercive control

MMmomDD · 08/04/2024 13:02

Not sure what you are conflicted about.
Or why you’d even consider having a baby in this situation.

BuddhaAtSea · 08/04/2024 13:04

Run. He is abusive.

Wooloohooloo · 08/04/2024 13:13

It was a bad decision to get pregnant by him but shit happens and that's done now. What's important is what you do going forward. He's vile and abusive and that might get even worse as the pregnancy progresses and the baby arrives. Dump and block. Get as much support from family and friends as you can plan how you're going to raise the baby with no interference from him. Don't tell him when you have the baby and don't put him on the birth certificate.

Kay101 · 08/04/2024 14:26

he could be bipolar?

theworldie · 08/04/2024 14:31

He says it's to improve me as a person.

Wow.

He is 100% abusive and you need to get out of this now. I know it’s not what you want to hear but you need to think seriously about whether to continue this pregnancy- it will tie you to this dickhead forever.

And in light of the way he treats you I’d bet anything he’s still sniffing around other women - men usually accuse their partners of cheating when it’s what they are actually doing themselves.

You’d be mad to continue this relationship- you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache. Get out now and then get done therapy to help you figure out why you have such low self esteem and think this treatment is all you deserve.

GingerIsBest · 08/04/2024 14:33

He's abusive and controlling and you should get out while you still can. I know you're pregnant and that complicates things but I'd be considering that too.

There are SOO many red flags, but here's one of the worst:
He says it's to improve me as a person. That's BOLLOCKS. You're his partner, not a 2 year old child.

OP, honestly, this really is very worrying. You could have been shagging every single man you knew before you met him and he'd still have no right to go on and on and on. I notice you spend a lot of time in your OP trying to reassure us, random strangers on the internet, that you really really didn't flirt with these men. Do you see how crazy that is? He's trained you to think that maybe you did do something wrong.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2024 16:00

Kay101 · 08/04/2024 14:26

he could be bipolar?

Who cares? If he is, the op should then tolerate his abuse? Why do people always trot this irrelevant bullshit out? He's a vile abuser. End of story.

AntonFeckoff · 08/04/2024 16:44

Kay101 · 08/04/2024 14:26

he could be bipolar?

These are not symptoms of bipolar disorder. Go away with your armchair diagnoses, spreading ignorant shite that stigmatises people.

PaminaMozart · 08/04/2024 16:48

Please do not bring a child into this mess.

You WILL regret it.

DaisyChain505 · 08/04/2024 17:00

Do you really want to have a baby with this pig of a man. Relationships are only tested more when you bring children into the equation and your relationship already sounds toxic, volatile and immature.

When you split you will be left raising a child alone. Could you cope financially? And do you want to be tied to this awful man for the rest of your life.

I would be 100% be thinking about your options.

Scalby · 08/04/2024 17:16

I always find it strange when these men use culture as an excuse to abuse their partners. I have a niece in a very similar situation. He is supposedly very strict too, although that clearly doesn't stretch to marriage and legitimising their DC. It only becomes an issue when controlling her behaviour.
I would not be bringing DC into an abusive situation and would leave.

Kay101 · 08/04/2024 17:39

@Aquamarine1029 I wasn’t saying she deserved being treated like that

Kay101 · 08/04/2024 17:40

@AntonFeckoff there’s no need to be nasty, surely this forum is about being kind and giving opinions?

HopeFloatsAbove · 08/04/2024 17:58

He is abusing you mentally.

First off, the reason he is going nuts over a work friend is because he is aware, from his own behavior, how men behave, so is drawing conclusions that you are behaving like him, behind his back, like he as behind your. Projecting in short, another abuse tactic.

If he is from a different culture from yours, you will always be controlled.

A year in and you should still be in the honeymoon stage, and you may need to protect yourself and the baby if you part ways.

Statistic show that mental abuse and control is the first sign which often gets worse over time. Most women do not know what abuse looks like because most think its not abuse until it gets physical.

Start looking at his behavior, not his words.

If he was doing this to your friend, what would your advise be?

unsync · 08/04/2024 18:11

He's not moody, he's abusive and controlling. Don't ruin your life, walk away now before he destroys your self esteem and your life.

GreyCarpet · 08/04/2024 18:14

This is why it's a good idea to really get to know someone before having a baby together.

Unfortunately, what you are now seeing is the real him and it's not good. Although, it also sounds like the red flags were there from the start tbh.

This is not a man you should be planning to start a family with. This is a man where you should be thinking - thank god I realised what he's really like after only a year together! And dumping him.

Unfortunately, as many women before you have realised and many women after you will come to realise, being able to impregnate a woman does not make a man decent or a good partner. It certainly doesn't mean he will be a good father.

GreyCarpet · 08/04/2024 18:16

So dump him now and get on with enjoying your pregnancy and your baby without him anywhere near you.

This man is not going to give you a good life.

PaminaMozart · 08/04/2024 18:20

You are still at a very early stage of pregnancy, @moonlightandstars
You have options.

GreyCarpet · 08/04/2024 18:21

Kay101 · 08/04/2024 17:40

@AntonFeckoff there’s no need to be nasty, surely this forum is about being kind and giving opinions?

Anton wasn't being nasty. Everything they said was true and was delivered kindly.

Suggesting he might be bipolar? What difference would that make?

Firstly, those behaviours aren't symptoms of bipolar and, secondly, even if they were, she still wouldn't have to stick around to be treated like that.

SamW98 · 08/04/2024 18:37

Hes a manipulative controlling bullying abusive POS but you know that deep down don’t you?

Please get away NOW and do not subject an innocent child to a life under the roof with this vile creature.

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