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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dislike myself a lot over ruining friendships

44 replies

Timeout22 · 07/04/2024 23:18

It sounds dramatic, I know, but I have even found myself thinking I 'hate' myself over this.

During Covid I became a hermit. I think I was really depressed looking back. I went to counselling, started medication and got out of it but it took a long time. I had a fear of leaving my home for a few weeks at one point.

I kept in touch with some people but my larger friend circle I cut out entirely. I made occasional plans but sometimes would cancel last minute due to anxiety (I said I was ill). I became more comfortable with my own company and when life started to reopen, I stayed that way.

Being an only child from a very small family may also be a cause of this but I don't want to make excuses. I have tried to begin these friendships again but people are not interested. I am so regretful and really dislike myself due to this. I feel like such a stupid idiot that I threw so many people away. My self esteem is very low.

I can accept they are gone but I want to work on forgiving myself as I find myself in a very negative headspace. I have started to make new friends and am putting big effort into that but the self-doubt is there.

OP posts:
Hairyhat · 07/04/2024 23:35

I think you should just tell the previous friends exactly what you've said here. If they are nice kind people they will understand and forgive you and if not then they aren't worth having as friends.

Thelnebriati · 08/04/2024 00:01

Hairyhat is right; there's a good chance your friends will understand you've been struggling with agoraphobia and anxiety. Contact them, apologise and explain. The worst that can happen is you will be in the same place you are now.

Original poster
Timeout22 · 08/04/2024 00:05

I did. I messaged and explained (somewhat, I didn't want to play a victim but I said I had a hard time). Some didn't reply, some said the friendship was too far faded and one really close friend said if I thought of them as a close friend I would have explained sooner.....

I did see some friends more recently (a very small handful who knew everything) and I think it looked as though 'well she's ok to see them but she's ignoring us'

I don't really want to explain everything and look pathetic when they already seem uninterested? It was my birthday yesterday and none of them contacted me

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 08/04/2024 00:13

In that case the best thing you can do is take their messages to heart, and learn from them.
Its interesting you feel that explaining your illness means you are 'playing victim', and it might be worth exploring that with your therapist.

EmmaEmerald · 08/04/2024 00:25

To put this from the other perspective.
I lost most of my friends in lockdown. Not for lack of effort on my part.

I am now so desperately lonely and upset and emotionally destroyed frankly, if any of them reached out to me now, (never gonna happen though) I would not be able to respond.

I am so lonely, I barely know how to talk to anyone anymore. I'm on mumsnet all day because I'm so lonely. So in some cases that's going to be how they feel maybe?

it's funny that you mentioned your birthday because for the first time I will not be sending birthday cards this year. What is the point? They never acknowledge that I've sent them anyway.

they might also have been suffering from agoraphobia and anxiety. But they didn't tell me, so I don't know. I'm not a mind reader.

All I know is that these people vanished, didn't respond to contact and I see from social media they are out with others, so I know I'm unwanted.

if they feel the same way, you have to accept that.

I would tell them about the anxiety and agoraphobia in your shoes, but I do understand your perspective of not wanting to share that information.

murasaki · 08/04/2024 00:25

Friendships are are two way street though, and both sides need to maintain it, I think they were just being honest.

Creamcoconut · 08/04/2024 07:48

Firstly have you been honest with the friends. Told them that you had anxiety about leaving the house but are finally working through it. You’re sorry you kept this to yourself and hid away.

If they are real friends these are the sort of honest discussions you could be having.

At the same time start new clubs and start making an effort with new people.

Happyinarcon · 08/04/2024 07:56

I have 2 close friends and that’s it. That’s plenty for me. Dont feel bad because you don’t have a huge social circle. Enjoy time with one or two friends and slowly make new ones.

NoPrivateSpy · 08/04/2024 08:23

Hmmm, OP, I can kinda of see this from your 'close friend's' perspective.

My best friend has severe depression and I have other friends who have had phases of agoraphobia. It has never ended up being years of no contact though. That is a long time, people change and move on and you have missed presumably quite a few big events in some of their lives in that time.

They are probably a little resentful that you blanked them and didn't explain at least some of why at the time. I know this would really hurt me had I been your close friend.

I think picking up where you left off feels a little unrealistic. Why didn't you tell them sooner what was going on?

BeachBeerBbq · 08/04/2024 08:28

Has it been 4 years now you haven't spoken? I think even the nicest people would be not impressed with 4 years of silence while you are with other people.
Things happen, just move on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/04/2024 08:46

Hating yourself isn’t going to change anything. It won’t get the old friendships back and it’ll get in the way of you forming new ones. I think at this stage you need to focus on trying to meet new people. It’s always possible.

I know posters are trying to be kind but 4 years is too long for most people, they’ll all have had multiple life events in that time that for your own reasons you weren’t there to celebrate, commiserate, support them. Friendships have to be mutual.

frozendaisy · 08/04/2024 08:48

All you can do is look at the positives.

You have a small handful of friends, which sounds like that is the sort of number of friends you are able to be with right now.

Build from there.

You have tried to explain to older friends so just leave it there for now. You don't know what they are thinking and the future is not all written down.

Newsenmum · 08/04/2024 08:52

Timeout22 · 08/04/2024 00:05

I did. I messaged and explained (somewhat, I didn't want to play a victim but I said I had a hard time). Some didn't reply, some said the friendship was too far faded and one really close friend said if I thought of them as a close friend I would have explained sooner.....

I did see some friends more recently (a very small handful who knew everything) and I think it looked as though 'well she's ok to see them but she's ignoring us'

I don't really want to explain everything and look pathetic when they already seem uninterested? It was my birthday yesterday and none of them contacted me

That’s really sad op and you’ve given it your all. Honestly? Don’t hate yourself, see it as a blessing. A fresh start for the new you. They could easily have come back but chose not to. That means that probably would have fizzled anyway. Hope you feel better and can look forward. Focus on the good ones.

Namechange666 · 08/04/2024 09:27

I'm sorry you were ill. Mental illness is no fun. I also had a period of this so you aren't alone in that regards. Lockdown was hard for many people.

I did tell people though. I had to shut down all my social media and I told people I wouldn't be on it for a while.

Tbh, if I had a friend disappear on me with no word for a year or two? I'm not sure if I could rekindle it either. I think your friend has a point, if you were that close, you could have said something. I would have taken that you keeping cancelling, meant you were probably phasing me out. I might have messaged asking what was going on though.

I'm not trying to kick you whilst you're down, just merely giving my perspective.

Original poster
Timeout22 · 08/04/2024 15:27

I take everyones points, friendship takes work and I didn't. I'm incredibly regretful.

We were in touch during the pandemic (lots of video calls/online quizzes) but once life reopened I stopped attending/replying. I saw people 2021 but by 2022 when things reopened properly I didn't make the effort. 2022 was a very hard year for me and I'm proud I got through it/got better. I missed baby showers, parties etc.

By 2023 I started to put messages into group chats and noticed most people didn't respond. This made me self doubt a lot but I tried to message people directly end of 2023 to meet up but people didn't want to. I offered to buy tickets to gigs, host brunches but people either didn't reply or made excuses until eventually they said the friendship had faded from me ignoring them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeout22 · 08/04/2024 15:28

I told myself people would find me a bother but from the outside I just look like a flake!

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 08/04/2024 15:36

I can see where your friends are coming from. I think you need to find new friends and learn from your mistakes

VioletLemon · 08/04/2024 15:41

@EmmaEmerald
@Timeout22
I feel the same, you're not alone. With time I've realised that I've developed agorophobic feelings of avoidance. Try to remember that alot of people are feeling the same, I have a MH illness that is well controlled but I'm realising that complications developed in Lockdown and I avoid going out or socialising now. I just don't want to anymore but feel permanently anxious and lonely. It's nice to know it's not just me but I'm sorry to hear others feel this isolation too.

Newgirls · 08/04/2024 15:42

i think we also need to remember that those old friends might also have had a tough time and found the ‘rejection’ hard. Maybe they also struggle with their own mental health and don’t mean to hurt you but have moved on.

you sound really lovely and with this new knowledge and the work you have done I feel sure you can make new friends. We all change and grow all the time and you are ready for this fresh start. Millions of people out there looking for new friends and will be delighted to meet you

Original poster
Timeout22 · 08/04/2024 16:06

Thank you. Many of those friends had babies/bought houses during lockdown. I am the single one amongst us so I also found it hard to relate, but that doesn't make it ok I know. I feel like such an idiot tbh

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/04/2024 16:22

Why does having a quiet phase mean you're an idiot? If you have quiet phases, you need friends who can handle that. Relationships aren't about how much effort you make, or failing to make 'enough' effort; they're about finding people whose nature matches yours. If people drop you because you're making the level of effort that suits you rather than the level of effort that suits them, then they neither match nor respect your boundaries. That doesn't make you an idiot; in fact, their behaviour says nothing about you at all: it's about them.

LenaLamont · 08/04/2024 16:34

Self-flagellating won't help.

You needed to step back. You did so for a long time and other people moved on. That's neither your fault nor theirs, it's circumstances. Accept that is unfortunate how things panned out, drop the blame and move forward.

You'll get to know other people. Don't put yourself under pressure to do so and see where things go.

LenaLamont · 08/04/2024 16:35

Also, happy birthday for yesterday!

Original poster
Timeout22 · 08/04/2024 16:46

I also think for my own mental health I need to leave our group chats. Funnily enough I'm the one who set them up years ago!

People wish eachother happy birthday etc in the groups but skipped mine and are currently making plans for summer BBQ's etc without me so I don't think it's good for me to see that. I am still friends with maybe half of those people but it's awkward with the other half now

OP posts:
Newgirls · 08/04/2024 16:47

Not an idiot and also - single and no kids - you get out there and enjoy that freedom!