I dislike myself a lot over ruining friendships

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It sounds dramatic, I know, but I have even found myself thinking I 'hate' myself over this.

During Covid I became a hermit. I think I was really depressed looking back. I went to counselling, started medication and got out of it but it took a long time. I had a fear of leaving my home for a few weeks at one point.

I kept in touch with some people but my larger friend circle I cut out entirely. I made occasional plans but sometimes would cancel last minute due to anxiety (I said I was ill). I became more comfortable with my own company and when life started to reopen, I stayed that way.

Being an only child from a very small family may also be a cause of this but I don't want to make excuses. I have tried to begin these friendships again but people are not interested. I am so regretful and really dislike myself due to this. I feel like such a stupid idiot that I threw so many people away. My self esteem is very low.

I can accept they are gone but I want to work on forgiving myself as I find myself in a very negative headspace. I have started to make new friends and am putting big effort into that but the self-doubt is there.

If you are on the summer bbq chat are you sure you can’t go? Maybe you can

ps I can’t remember who set up group chats.

I don’t understand your friends at all. I can understand during the period of time that you were avoiding them that they might have been hurt, but I think a true friend when hearing you had actually been through agoraphobia/anxiety would have been mortified themselves that they didn’t notice or at least would have tried to understand.
I find people quite harsh when it comes to others suffering with MH illness. The fact you thought they would have thought you were playing the victim if you elaborated more about it says a lot. A lot of people treat MH illness like it’s a choice or that you are feeling sorry for yourself, which simply isn’t true.
I think you should recognise these people were just fair weather friends and not true friends. Find new friends who deserve you.

I wonder, if they're talking about a summer bbq, might it be assumed it's an open invitation? Is there anything to suggest you wouldn't be welcome?

To be honest I find your friends' reaction quite odd...a lot of adult friendships are patchy. some people are social butterflies and out every weekend, some appear once every blue moon, if the stars align and babysitter is available - and that's normal! People generally understand that life happens and couple of months is really short length of time to say "friendship is too far gone"

I haven't told them the level of anxiety but I did say I had a hard time and was now doing much better, as a way of explaining. I didn't want to explain too deeply

I did get invites to baby showers/birthdays and ignored them when things were bad but I honestly wasn't even getting out of bed at some points of that time. Now my friend group are booking weekends away/birthdays and not inviting me. I'm not going to show up at a bbq at someones house who has turned down my attempts to meet over recent months, it would be awkward for everyone

A group bbq isn’t awkward. If you’re in the chat it’s ok. It might be easier to go to a group thing than 1-2-1

You ignored them. They are now choosing to ignore you

Neither is right, but it's happened/happening....you can't change it

Leave the groups

Start again

Remember that ignoring people upsets them

I didn't understand mental health issues until I had them. I thought I did but boy, I was wrong. I had a similar lockdown to you, fell off grid and have developed agoraphobia.

I'm not sure if it's worth trying to explain to your friends because you say you've tried and they're ignoring you. They can't possibly understand what agoraphobia feels like, I didn't have a clue five years ago. It has shrunk my world to a minuscule version of itself, I'll never be the woman I was. They are probably taking you 'ignoring' them personally and getting on with it without you. You deserve better.

Sorry to hear you’ve had such a hard time. Playing devils advocate I got deliberately frozen out by a group of friends recently and found it really painful, is it worth a letter or something to them explaining before leaving the group chats? If not then before leaving the chats I’d make your solid friends aware of why you’re doing it, just so it doesn’t look like your flouncing.

You’re

The group chats will often say 'see you tomorrow xy' or sharing a photo from the night before that I'm no longer invited to so I think it's better for my head that I leave.

I was just so glad to be doing better and was proud of that. I was naive to think people would let me back in. Some did but the majority didn't

It’s hard for us to know the overall vibe of those chats but if you say some are welcoming that’s valid. Hold on to them. Yes you missed out on some events but you could still go to a bbq

if you have poor mental health right now pls be aware that you might be ‘self sabotaging’ to protect yourself. Most people don’t think quite so deeply and simply turn up to things.

Hold onto those who let you back in and move on from those who didn't. They've probably moved on/made new friends and don't understand why you did what you did. Take care, life is long and you'll make new friends xx

Thank you. I don't think I'm self sabotaging as I have invited people to birthday events, brunches etc and have been told no or had no response. I wouldn't show up at a BBQ just because it's mentioned in a group I'm in when people have made it clear we are no longer friends

Your friends sound really harsh tbh OP. We have friends who have MH issues and dip in and out of group chats and we are always happy to accept them back in and welcome any engagement from them. It sounds like your friends are not very laid back and have high expectations of each other. Is there an individual from the group you feel more comfortable with, that is perhaps a bit nicer/ more forgiving who you could seek a bit of insight from about what is happening?

I think some people are being bit unfair to the friends. They have lives, OP missed not only simple stuff but at least one pregnancy and I am assuming a baby birth, life events etc.
People are also allowed their boundaries as well even if they don't have MH issues (and we don't know if they don't actually). It was tough time for everyone.

These things happen. There is no point dwelling and trying to find out what's happening via another who would be put in tough "being in the middle" position. People set their boundary.

Just enjoy the friends you have and that's all you can do. As I said. These tings happen, people move in and out of each other's lives all the time. You are not bad person, nor are they.

You sound lovely and you are being far too hard on yourself 💐

If these really were genuinely good friendships, they would understand what you have been through. I know I would if you were my friend.
You have tried so now let them go. Nothing is written in stone and your paths may cross unexpectedly one day, but by that time you probably would have moved on anyway.

Concentrate on your new friends and try not to look back.

For me it’s not quantity of friendships, it’s quality that’s important.

Potentially you will meet many new ones in the future, you just don’t know them yet!

I think you are right. You should move on and exit the group chat.
If you felt up to it, and wanted some closure, you could write a brief message before exiting. Something that explained that unfortunately you haven't been well enough to participate in the friendship group and wish them well.
You can't sit in the group and never participate because it's off putting.
In this way you will have left without ill feeling and if individually anyone contacts you so much the better.

@greyandbluewool Yes, I think I may add a message and leave. Every time a new message/photo from meet up goes in, my heart sinks. It's a reminder of what I've lost.

Thankfully I'm managing to make new (more local) friends and I'm conscious of not making the same mistakes again