Could this be erectile dysfunction?

Novemberbluesss · 2024-04-07T18:57:12+00:00

I have realised my knowledge of male body is very limited and started to wonder if DH has erectile dysfunction or just generally lacks drive in life to achieve goals/would not inconvenience himself. We have been 'trying' for baby number two for few months but DH is either too ill, too tired or not in the mood. The closest we got to fertile window was twice 4 days before ovulation. I am also not supposed to tell him which is the 'good day' as that's a huge turn off for him. Things that concern me: - he cannot have sex two days in a row - he says he is not a machine - when tired he would struggle to finish and just give up - often struggles to maintain erection - when tired sometimes he would just tell me to stop when I initiate - we tried ovulation induction but he refused to have sex on the days ordered by the fertility doctor I am forty and really panicking the time is running out but he is very casual about it and also doesn't think there is anything wrong with him but I suspect he might have erectile dysfunction he chose to ignore. He assured me he wants another child.

rwalker · 07/04/2024 20:03

You’ve kill sex by simply making it a pressured means to an end to get a baby

C1N1C · 07/04/2024 20:20

As a guy, I'd agree it's about the pressure. It's amazing how the anxiety about 'needing' to be ready can really mess with your head.

My advice is to tell him simply that you are ready whenever he is, rather than telling him when you are actually ready.

It's a tricky one as you're meant to both want sex... but in this instance, if you want sex to 'work', it might have to be on his terms.

Beepboops · 07/04/2024 20:21

It doesn't sound like he wants to have a baby with you...

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 07/04/2024 20:44

As per PP, he does not want another child.

Wherearemymarbles · 07/04/2024 22:14

If you were required to have an orgasm in order to conceive how easy to you think you’d find it?

Original poster

Novemberbluesss · 08/04/2024 05:41

Wherearemymarbles · 07/04/2024 22:14

If you were required to have an orgasm in order to conceive how easy to you think you’d find it?

Yes I see that point but there are other ways of the guy is proactive. I read posts about TTC issues and some guys would for example do hand job and then finish inside etc. I mean there is a way if you are committed so I worry in our case is more of an issue with erectile dysfunction or lack of initiative

OP posts:

bradpittsbathwater · 08/04/2024 06:01

It sounds like he doesn't want another baby, hence avoiding sex and issues with erection.

Opentooffers · 08/04/2024 07:38

What was your love life like prior to trying? Did it rarely happen, so now he knows it's all about getting pregnant and nothing about desire? If either of you weren't interested much before it's not something that can easily be switched on out of necessity.
If he's genuine about having another, what would his attitude be to IVF? You could try that route.

CroftonWillow · 08/04/2024 07:42

Pressure and anxiety will kill any hope of an erection. Stating the obvious but it happens when a man is turned on.

ZekeZeke · 08/04/2024 08:00

Reiterating what pp have said, sounds like he doesn't want another baby.

Original poster

Novemberbluesss · 08/04/2024 08:07

Opentooffers · 08/04/2024 07:38

What was your love life like prior to trying? Did it rarely happen, so now he knows it's all about getting pregnant and nothing about desire? If either of you weren't interested much before it's not something that can easily be switched on out of necessity.
If he's genuine about having another, what would his attitude be to IVF? You could try that route.

Our love life was good, we had sex every 2-3 days but recently it has been less. He is open to IVF but doesn't want to spend his savings on it so it would have to be combination of my savings and me taking out a loan

OP posts:

ThisIsaNiceDress · 08/04/2024 08:17

You’d have to spend your savings and take out a loan to have a baby? When he refuses to touch his savings? Doesn’t that tell you everything you need to know? ED is the last of your problems here… sorry.

Fs365 · 08/04/2024 08:47

ThisIsaNiceDress · 08/04/2024 08:17

You’d have to spend your savings and take out a loan to have a baby? When he refuses to touch his savings? Doesn’t that tell you everything you need to know? ED is the last of your problems here… sorry.

Yep, agree with this, he doesn’t really want to father another child ( which is his choice)

UghFletcher · 08/04/2024 08:48

Sorry OP, it's not ED. sounds like you're making it very transactional and all about getting pregnant rather than just a chance to enjoy sex.

I realise there's an end goal and if he really does want a baby would he be open to IVF as an alternative?

OzziePopPop · 08/04/2024 08:54

Novemberbluesss · 08/04/2024 05:41

Yes I see that point but there are other ways of the guy is proactive. I read posts about TTC issues and some guys would for example do hand job and then finish inside etc. I mean there is a way if you are committed so I worry in our case is more of an issue with erectile dysfunction or lack of initiative

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If a man wants to have sex, they will. Lack of desire seems more appropriate than ’lack of initiative’, I’ve literally never known a man without initiative when it comes to (desired) sex!

Goldfishonabike · 08/04/2024 08:55

how is his mental health overall? Maybe he is depressed?

Newsenmum · 08/04/2024 08:55

Beepboops · 07/04/2024 20:21

It doesn't sound like he wants to have a baby with you...

This!! Is he not conceded about it?

Goldfishonabike · 08/04/2024 08:57

OzziePopPop · 08/04/2024 08:54

If a man wants to have sex, they will. Lack of desire seems more appropriate than ’lack of initiative’, I’ve literally never known a man without initiative when it comes to (desired) sex!

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My DH went through a period of rarely taking initiative when we were around a year into our relationship. It coincided with him being unemployed and depressed and drinking a bit too much. Prior to that he was very sexually active. One he got a job again and got happier and healthier his libido returned.

OzziePopPop · 08/04/2024 09:06

Goldfishonabike · 08/04/2024 08:57

My DH went through a period of rarely taking initiative when we were around a year into our relationship. It coincided with him being unemployed and depressed and drinking a bit too much. Prior to that he was very sexually active. One he got a job again and got happier and healthier his libido returned.

Show quote history

Exactly. He didn’t desire sex (due to depression), when this was treated his desire and initiative came back!

OPs husband doesn’t seem to desire sex atm either, he’d literally rather go without than ttc. He has no desire (for whatever reason) so is showing no initiative.

C1N1C · 08/04/2024 09:15

I do disagree with all the posters saying he doesn't want to have a baby. They're trying to correlate a lack of ability with a lack of desire, which may work when you're younger, but not at this age.

My advice is simply to ask him point blank whether he actually wants one. If he does the head wobble, or hesitates, or the yes sounds anything less than 100%, then it's a no. But if he draws you in, hugs you, and tells you he really wants it, then it's a yes.

If it's a yes, then tell him you need to try, but you're happy to accept that it can be on his terms. No pressure to perform on command, no trying to get you to orgasm too, no obliged foreplay... yes, it's selfish, but all of this may be affecting his ability to get there.

MyWyndolynne · 08/04/2024 09:17

Why are you ignoring all the posts saying he doesn't want a baby?

That's obviously whsts going on.

Seaoftroubles · 08/04/2024 09:25

@C1N1C Yes but obviously there's only a short window of opportunity when she's going to be fertile. So this is ok advice in an everyday situation but not if you're trying to conceive. Sex being on his terms doesn't really work here!

Original poster

Novemberbluesss · 08/04/2024 09:49

MyWyndolynne · 08/04/2024 09:17

Why are you ignoring all the posts saying he doesn't want a baby?

That's obviously whsts going on.

Not ignoring at all. We had many conversations and he said he wants another baby and is committed to helping with feeding etc. I don't want to mistrust him by probing and questioning.

OP posts:

Original poster

Novemberbluesss · 08/04/2024 09:51

C1N1C · 08/04/2024 09:15

I do disagree with all the posters saying he doesn't want to have a baby. They're trying to correlate a lack of ability with a lack of desire, which may work when you're younger, but not at this age.

My advice is simply to ask him point blank whether he actually wants one. If he does the head wobble, or hesitates, or the yes sounds anything less than 100%, then it's a no. But if he draws you in, hugs you, and tells you he really wants it, then it's a yes.

If it's a yes, then tell him you need to try, but you're happy to accept that it can be on his terms. No pressure to perform on command, no trying to get you to orgasm too, no obliged foreplay... yes, it's selfish, but all of this may be affecting his ability to get there.

We had the conversation so many times and he said he wants a baby within a year and he said I am being unreasonable putting pressure now as many couples have babies mid 40s. I am not kidding myself though even now it will be much harder to get pregnant than it was in our 20s.

OP posts:

C1N1C · 08/04/2024 09:52

Seaoftroubles · 08/04/2024 09:25

@C1N1C Yes but obviously there's only a short window of opportunity when she's going to be fertile. So this is ok advice in an everyday situation but not if you're trying to conceive. Sex being on his terms doesn't really work here!

Yes and no... (preaching to the choir)... the fertile window is about 5-6 days. So yes, you're right, that leaving it to him for 'whenever sex' is not the best strategy, but pressuring him, putting expectations on him and wanting your cake and eating it too for those six days won't work either.

I'm simply saying that in my opinion, all that needs to be said is "honey, for the next six days, I'm ready whenever you are". Your mission is for him to orgasm, that's it, and if that requires Princess Leia in a gold bikini, do it. If it requires you to put dinner on hold because he's feeling frisky at that moment, do it. It might not be romantic sex, he might not be pushing any of your buttons in that moment, but it will get the job done.