Could this be erectile dysfunction?

[Novemberbluesss]

I have realised my knowledge of male body is very limited and started to wonder if DH has erectile dysfunction or just generally lacks drive in life to achieve goals/would not inconvenience himself. We have been 'trying' for baby number two for few months but DH is either too ill, too tired or not in the mood. The closest we got to fertile window was twice 4 days before ovulation. I am also not supposed to tell him which is the 'good day' as that's a huge turn off for him. Things that concern me:

• he cannot have sex two days in a row - he says he is not a machine
• when tired he would struggle to finish and just give up
• often struggles to maintain erection
• when tired sometimes he would just tell me to stop when I initiate
• we tried ovulation induction but he refused to have sex on the days ordered by the fertility doctor

I am forty and really panicking the time is running out but he is very casual about it and also doesn't think there is anything wrong with him but I suspect he might have erectile dysfunction he chose to ignore. He assured me he wants another child.

Thank you for your support. I feel like I am being made a bad person here by all posters saying I cannot force him to have desire.

Is there a way then to turn him on? Do I just pay for fertility treatment in secret and don't tell him when my scans and injections are then put sexy lingerie on in the hope he is not too tired?

The guy probably wants a baby but on the basis if if happens it happens
you’ve turned it into a military operation ease off or your just going to kill of your relationship and make him feel like a means to an end and his sole purpose is a meal ticket to a baby

and this is coming from a male who has been in this position

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Deleted as for some reason message posted 3 times

If you were already doing it 2-3 x per week, what did actively trying look like ? What was the change? Ideally in that situation it would just be a case of coming off contraception and carry on, but if you pushed for daily around ovulation, looks like it has backfired.

Echoing what others are saying above. I don’t think he want another baby - and some part of me thinks you believe that but as you want one, your only focused on that.

I see your point but we had few miscarriages and now under fertility treatment. He never comes to the appointments as he is too busy with work. Each month I fork out few hundred quid on the treatment and get letter saying when to have sex. I wish we could be spontaneous (and we are outside of that two day window each month) but the military side of things comes from the medical profession not my choice. I would never force him to have a child against his wishes

@Novemberbluesss You are not being a bad person, this is important to you and he needs to be more supportive instead of making it about him and his requirements. At 4O, realistically you haven't got a lot of time to waste. I think there's more going on here, especially as before you were trying he was happily having sex with you every few days without any erection issues. It does sound like he isn't really that keen on having a other child and is making excuses.

We are under fertility treatment with doctors telling us when to have sex once I had injections. That's the change

I wouldn't be thinking of having another child with him as you are going to be in a sexless marriage pretty soon by the sound of it

I agree unfortunately.

He wouldn't spend money because he believes we have few years to fall pregnant. It was my idea to speed things up with fertility treatment so I am the one putting the pressure and bearing the costs because he doesn't feel this approach is required given our age.

OP he sounds disengaged from the whole process; leaving it to you to arrange and go to the fertility clinic alone, refusing to follow the clinics advice, not sharing the cost and being in denial about age having an affect on your fertility. A lot of excuses there, it really doesn't look good. Is he generally this oppositional or just around this particular matter?

This. ^
I think you need to wake up OP...

He isn't very hands on in general leaving a lot of stuff to me so this is consistent. But I don't mind doing more (I definitely have higher energy level than him) but obviously I cannot make a baby myself and he made me feel I am
selfish asking for sex.

You dont need do go straight to IVF.
Try artificial insemination with the old turkey baster first (if he can produce in peace)

@Novemberbluesss You are not being selfish at all. What is the point of you having fertility advice/ treatment if he is derailing things, and especially if he is spontaneous outside of that short window that you are likely to conceive. Are you sure he really wants another baby, is he a hands on Dad to your first child?

I think both his mind and body are saying 'no' to having a baby (or at least to doing what's required).

I can only think you should leave off for a while to take the pressure off him or discuss alternative options for having a child.

Sex should be enjoyable and can be complicated both mentally and physically, especially when there's pressure to 'perform'.

I do feel for you both as time is ticking and, for you, I can see why you're keen to make things happen.

Good luck!

You think you have the right to use someone's body like that?

No wonder he doesn't want to have sex with you. Reverse the roles and see which one looks like a borderline abuser.

"My husband isn't happy that I won't ha e sex with him when I want and complains when I don't get wet enough"

That's basically what you are doing.

Do not have a child with this man, you don't respect him enough and will eventually end the relationship when you have decided he is no longer of any use to you.

No child deserved to be brought into that kind of environment.

That's very unfair comment. My body is pumped up with meds and probed and I pay for it because we both committed to fertility treatment and when it comes to following doctors advice he refuses to have sex. I cannot see how I am using him.

I think he probably just doesn’t want a second child. There are a lot of excuses here.

There seems to be absolutely not evidence he is committed to having another baby with you.
He's not remotely interested in any aspect of you trying to become pregnant, it's only you making any effort, not him.
The idea that after that number of miscarriages and your ages that you don't need to be pro-active is a very risky strategy from him - he obviously does not want another child - look at his actions not his words.

Does he pull his weight parenting your existing child?
Why is he f*ing tired all the time?

He is generally not very committed in life, preferring me to tell him what to do. He is hands on with DD but sometimes has to be told what routines are eg help brush teeth, help with breakfast before he dives into putting her in front of tv. She absolutely loves him though and often would prefer him over me (this might be due to the fact that I am more strict and would rather take her outside or play with toys than watch YouTube).

@Novemberbluesss you have your answer then. He's not bothered about anything, sex, parenting, living, so you will have to see if you get pregnant if you do have sex.
I don't think anyone on this thread thinks he has ED. All the best however it works out.