I don't know if my gf is hiding something from me or i am overthinking?

[KookyMaker]

We've been together for about 7 months now, everything is great we enjoy each others companies. We meet every weakened. We've met each others parents we got on well. Relationship is blossoming into something great. No arguments, sex life is great we both trust each other and we've had many chats about being trust worthy and loyal and being transparent. Background on our dating life. We were both single for a very long time before we started dating she's never had a serious relationship. We met on tinder and both have acknowledge we deleted the account since we are committed.

I've been hurt in the past and my idea of trust is not just talk the talk but walk the walk. It's all great talking about it but actions mean more to me, and she knows this. She doesn't have any guy friends from what i know just a few girl friends of hers so i assume I've got nothing odd to consider about.
A month ago we went out to have a meal and usually i have phone on my desk faced up. Got nothing to hide. She always has her phone in her pocket or bag. That day she was constantly texting someone back and forth. She looked super eager to message who ever it was back. It went for about 10/15 mins straight until I said who are you talking to? Her answer was it was a family member after that she didn't go on her phone. I trusted her and let it slide, still had some suspicion but ignored. it. Overall she is somewhat protective of her phone it's always in her bag. Sometimes i have noticed she quickly texts back and puts it in her bag when we are together doing something.

Anyway during the day we usually message each other on whatsapp every few hours so i assume she's not very frequent on there or maybe she is idk. I message her when i can and assume she does the same back to me. We both have our last seen status hidden not fussed if it's hidden. During that day i got a call on whatsapp from a friend and was on the app for an hour on the call and replying back to her at the same time this took awhile due to multi tasking but in the space of 30mins i noticed she was online every 10 mins whilst her working hours which is odd because she usually takes a couple of hours to reply to me if she's working. I didn't send her any messages i just sat there seeing her coming on and offline every 10mins for about an hour, things were ticking in my brain. I didn't realise how active she was on whatsapp.

I replied back to her message anyway and she obviously replied after a short time but as i was still on the call she must have noticed i was online too at the same time must have made her realise i can see her online status too as both participants are online at the same time... Then after sometimes i noticed she wasn't online at all anymore... i couldn't even see when she was on whatsapp. OK i just assumed that she's busy back at work and went offline until i started getting messages of her. I could now only see when she was typing, my brain realising that now she's hidden that she can be seen online and i can now only she when she's typing.

I was so confused to why she would do this, i couldn't even see her last seen status in the first so why bother hiding her online status it's so minor. I didn't even question her because it seemed like such a little thing to even discuss about and let it slide too. Seemed like she didn't want me to know when shes online, which is odd because i couldn't care if she see's me when i am online.
After my call i went offline and couldn't even be bothered to waste time to think about something like this.

The next time we met was great we both had a great time together we went out and i stayed at hers for the night. She didn't go on her phone at all which why very nice because of all the little things i've noticed in the past. Ignored about the whole online status thing didn't bring it up. She even left her phone next to me when she was busy with other things so i assumed if she's happy to leave her phone near next to me then of course she must have nothing to hide.

We were talking about something we would plan to do so i sent her some links and places to what we discussed about on whatsapp and they wouldn't send. It was just one tick. I assumed that the connection was very slow. Then thinking i looked at her phone and seen she had turned off all her internet and data. I questioned myself ok maybe it's to save battery, well that cant be because it's 99% charge. What a strange thing to do turn off data in your own place. So this made me wonder that she happily left her phone next to me with her data off but when we are out why isn't her phone next to us but in her bag? did she just leave next to me to make me think she's happy to leave near me? but realistically it doesn't mean anything because if her data is off she won't get any notifications. So i would never see anything in the first place. So all the past times she's left her phone next to me i'm guessing it's been when her data is off because i noticed she turned off her data last time i came over to hers too but it was just an intuition but this it proved it was right when i saw it was off

It's these recurring little things that makes me wonder if she's being truthful or hiding something so i don't get my suspicion raised. Do you think i am over thinking or do i have a right to question her about these actions i've noticed? The last thing i want to do is invest further with someone who is also doing something behind my back. I'm not saying she might be doing this but i have heard in the past that some people are great at hiding certain activity for years and not get caught. My gut is telling me something isn't right. I am in abit of stuck in the middle situation

The level of 'observation' is controlling though.

You're keeping an eye on her status, her data, where her phone is at all times.... that's controlling.

Scary because you are obsessing over online status, obsessing over exactly where this person puts their phone during meals, obsessing over whether their data is on or off and analysing whether that means they are texting someone they shouldn’t be- it’s been 7 months, if you don’t trust her it’s really simple to just split up. And definitely the better option that being a little cyber stalker watching her every online move waiting for a shred of evidence she might be daring to reply to her friends on Whatsapp before replying to you.

You’re really showing your age or maturity. You need to grow up, your behaviour has no place in healthy adult relationships.

Gosh, you’ve written a “War and Peace” post!
I got half way through and lost the will to live.

As others have observed, you’re coming over as paranoid. I’m sorry you are feeling so suspicious. It must be draining.

I suggest you get some therapy for your paranoia and move on. This girl is not for you simply because the seeds of distrust are sown and it’s unfair on her that you are harbouring this.

Dear God. I wouldn't want to be monitored by you either.

And what if absolutely nothing is going on and you spend years letting this eat away at you from the inside for no reason?

But your behaviour is stalkerish

And like it or not for the recipient of stalker type behaviour that can be scary

You clearly dont react well to women telling you the truth about your behaviour though

Insulting people who don't agree with you shows that you have a low level of maturity. Too low to have a successful relationship with anyone.

End it if you don't trust her.

I also only skim read your post because jeez, it was an essay. But I do think you're completely looking for things now that probably aren't there. You're absolutely coming across as stalkerish. To be fair, it's only been 7 months. If she is interested in someone else then it really won't be long before she admits it and finishes with you, she has nothing to lose.

Yea she's hiding something 100%, putting phone next to you is a display of how totes trustworthy she is knowing she doesn't have to worry about you seeing any messages or notifications come through by turning internet/data off.

In my unfortunate experience anyway.

Sad that that's your experience. When I was first dating my now husband - and to an extent now - I was intentional about putting my phone away so that I gave him all of my time while dating - it's polite to do so! I also sometimes turn off my data if I don't want to be distracted by family/work/social media while I'm out and about. Not all of us need to be accessible all of the time.

OP - you clearly aren't over being hurt in the past. Your extensive post and responses to any criticism sound obsessive. Also didn't like your comment that your gf doesn't have any male friends - almost like that's your expectation.

She is allowed to be excited and interested in texts which aren't from you. That does not mean she's sleeping with somebody else. Jeez.

Wasn’t life simpler before smartphones.

Ugh, just grow up. Your behaviour is controlling, creepy and stalkerish.

I've had boyfriends like you in the past, and nothing is more off-putting. If you want the relationship to end, you're going about it completely the right way. Hopefully she will see sense and ditch you.

So many red flags here.

I hope she's reading this.

YANBU
I’ve personally never known someone to always have their phone in their bag.

I didn’t read the whole OP, but the restaurant scenario was very rude of her.

My phone lives in my bag I don't look at it for hours sometimes! My post was just about the display of leaving it next to op and turning data off.

Fwiw I think op does need to work on his trust issues, but I do think his instincts are right here too.

I couldn't actually tell you where my phone is right now.

But I am also on multiple WhatsApp groups, which sometimes take up my time.

Controlling because it's a close a cousin of obsessively monitoring someone's behaviour. And making up your own narrative as to what that behaviour means.

The whole she knew that I knew I could see she was online more than just.. heaven forbid... when she was diligently texting me. You were quite pleased with yourself that she'd realised you could see what she was doing on WhatsApp and changed her behaviour (though not in the way you'd like. And now you are pissed off that she's found a way around it.

Rather than back off, you e upped the ante.

Your whole turning yourself into knots trying to second guess her. Your worst case scenario paranoia that she had a life outside you that shock horror is nothing to do with you.

You are monitoring her internet usage as if your were in M15. If you can't see that that's one step away from controlling what she can and can't do then you've got more to worry about than your paranoia.

Because that's what you want and need isn't it. To know who she is talking to, what is being said, when and why. Obsessive to controlling in half a step. Both are bad. You seem ok with being labelled obsessive but not controlling. Cos it's a bad word right. So is obsessive.

And your excuse is that you've been hurt before. Poor you. It doesn't excuse behaving like this.

Chances are she'll work it out and decide that way too many red flags.

Keeping phone in bag = very normal in my experience and certainly not a sign of hiding something.

As soon as you start monitoring when someone is online / on SM, the relationship is doomed. You either trust her or you don't. If you don't, then end it.

I'll be honest with you. If I was your GF and I saw this thread, I'd be scared of you. It's not the suspicion as such, (it can be difficult to trust a new person) it's the level of detail. How much headspace you're given to her phone habits, the length at which you describe them, you sound obsessed. Read your post back and tell me, does that sound healthy to you? No one on here can tell you what she's doing on her phone. I wouldn't even venture an opinion in all honesty as I think the last thing you need is to be adding more fuel to this. The only thing I can say to you is, if you can't stop these thoughts then you should end the relationship as you're going to drive yourself mad.

You mentioned u were hurt before . Honey start working on you and I really mean that . Everyone texts it’s normal … phones are now like personal diaries .
tbh are you waiting for something bad to happen and basically I think reading too much into it . Relax … get ur confidence up and stop over thinking

thanks for understanding

You are right i agree, i can't deny that. Honestly all this time i never doubted her. It's when i started noticing a few things only i started to think "what if" I was hurt so badly in the past it took me a long time to even think about trusting someone. I would never tell her to do anything by force. I just wish things were more open between us so she would know how i feel. But ofcourse i don't want be the person who makes her feel tied up just because i don't feel comfortable with what i have noticed. Several factors like her turning her data off when i am with her just makes think, what a odd thing to do? i'm just trying to avoid getting hurt so if i find out now at least i can depart now and now invest further in this relationship

It's very possible that she has picked up on you noticing her phone habits and keeps data off to avoid your questions about who she is texting. Or maybe she was low on data as she's used so much.

The problem is that she can't win now can she - if she turns her phone off or leaves it in her bag, you are suspicious of why. If she is using it, you are suspicious of why.

Maybe instead of "what if she is up to no good" you flip that to "what if I stop worrying about who she is chatting to and just relax?".

The more you look for things to be suspicious of, the more you'll find things to suit your narrative and the story you are telling yourself - stop feeding the intrusive thoughts.

I understand that you've been hurt in the past - it does make it harder to trust, but if you bring your past worries into every new relationship, then you risk sabotaging it. Honestly do some more work on the trust issues if you can.

If you want to benefit from being in a relationship then you need to be prepared to accept the risk that you may be hurt, and that you cannot prevent that if its going to happen.
Whether a person decides to cheat or not is outside of your control and all the phone monitoring in the world won't stop it. Nor will it reassure you, because we all know that determined cheats can cover their tracks.
With that in mind, I think you need to be really honest with yourself as to whether you are ready to accept the risk, live with it and not let it consume you. There isn't any point trying to convince yourself a partner definitely won't cheat, because they might. What you need to be sure of is that you're not going to let worry about that possibility ruin the relationship, and that if the worst should happen, you have the resilience to be ok. If you can't say yes to both these things, maybe you are better on your own for now.