Advice please ladies

[BeautifulFreak2024]

Hi all - just trying to get my head around things and thought I'd try on here

I'm a dad of 4, married for 6 years together for 10.

Things have been rough for over a year, we're in separate bedrooms and I've gone from sleeping on the sofa, to one of the kids beds.

Everything that I do is wrong. From how I help with housework, do the washing up, fold ironing etc.

I get the boys ready for school every morning, I sort their breakfast, lunch boxes, take them to school and collect 3 days a week whilst my wife works - the other 2 days she'll pick them up.

I'm self employed so work the hours that I can, however with the school runs that tends to be 4-5 hours at a push and then I try to work additional hours in the evening.

I'm expected to make changes to my day to accomodate her needs - we had previously arranged for me to go to work when she gets home - instead I'm putting the kids to bed, reading stories, preparing dinner and then finally leaving when I get the chance to try and get some more work done.

I'm dead. Some days I get in around 1-2am with a 6am start - when I tell her I'm shattered I just get told I should go to bed earlier!

She's constantly rude about my family, put's me down whenever she get's the chance, complains about everything, the state of the house etc.

We don't have a relationship, we don't communicate, there's no affection whatsoever. For over 2 years not once did she ask how my day was. She never would come up for a cuddle or a kiss and she's admitted she shows no affection.

Last year was a tough year financially and I ended up making our mortgage payment late (3 times in total but all paid within 7 days) I didn't tell her because frankly I'm past caring.

Yet she hit the roof when finding out, blaming me for her poor credit score when in fact she hadn't worked all summer as she was on a temp contract (which would have been the main reason)

We agreed that we would both make an effort - I'd look at getting counselling for not telling her the truth and she'd stop making nasty snide comments.

I've spoken to the GP and they suggested relate - I'd consider it as I'll hold my hands up where I have got things wrong. Yet she is adamant she's done nothing wrong.

I really have no idea why i'm posting here - I guess I'm just trying to get some sense of a female perspective since if I spoke to any female friends I'd get a torrent of abuse and be accussed of wanting to sleep with them.

Sorry for the rambling, I think I know what I need to do but with young kids and having to start my life all over again I'm just trying to make sure I do the right thing

Appreciate any advice, tips, suggestions

If this was a woman writing about her man, contributors would all pile in with LTB (Leave the Bar-steward).

Theres nothing to stop you from consulting a solicitor and establishing some facts about leaving. The atmosphere at home must be toxic at times so not a good example for your kids.

We only have one life so what sort of future are you looking at if she won’t go to Relate? She’s checked out and her reluctance is just another nail in the coffin of a dying relationship.

We've shielded the kids from it as best we can, but I agree they'll pick up on it.

She would go to relate but I know she won't listen, she'll try and pin it all on me and refuse to accept that she's at fault too.

Life is indeed far too short - if we didn't have kids it would be a far simpler decision to make

I was in a marriage not dissimilar to this until lockdown. He was financially and emotionally controlling. Separate rooms for years etc. I did everything. Like a single parent but living in a house with someone. Then I had a sudden realisation that this was my actual life. As in, what the actual hell was I doing. From what you say, It sounds as though there is resentment from her side and once that's there, I would say it's near impossible to rescue. My motivation to get out was, I thought the impact/example on my children of a dysfunctional and toxic relationship was far more damaging than a split. So I called it in and got a divorce. Three years in and it is absolutely the best decision. The impact on your children may be something you'd like to think about as well as your own happiness. Your life sounds very tough atm OP. Have you got a good friend you can confide in and who can support you a bit. Take care.

So why aren't you going straight out to work when she comes home from work ?

Everything that I do is wrong. From how I help with housework

Why do you classify what you should be doing anyway as helping her? When did you start actually "helping" her?

I get the boys ready for school every morning, I sort their breakfast, lunch boxes, take them to school and collect 3 days a week whilst my wife works - the other 2 days she'll pick them up.

I've always found it interesting how men are so quick to present this laundry list of completely normal things a parent should do, as though they should be given a trophy. Women do this shit all of the time and don't even blink, or even think to mention it.

Oh grow up Aqua.

He mentioned it because it would be the first thing asked on here.

Do you do your fair share of parenting?

OP, take no notice of Aqua's post, but do take notice of yourself. You need to decide if you can carry on in this "relationship". It doesn't seem like.you are getting much out of it. I suspect your wife feels the same. Counselling only works if both people want to change.

Do you think your wife is equally unhappy and doesn't know how to extract herself from the situation either?

It sounds like it isn't working for you or her.

You are sleeping separately, this is not a relationship or a way to live. I get you say your days are tiring. Why are pick-ups and drop-offs more equitable, but you do all the bedtimes? Split them too, or are you missing the cooking and cleaning out that she's doing at the same time. It would make more sense though if one drops off and one picks up maybe.
You are sounding great with listing all you do, but use the words "help out", there is no helping when you both work, you are equals doing your fair share, there really is no 'helping' because that implies that she is the automatic default do it all person and any thing you do is a favour for her which is not the case. You miss the bit about her not working last summer and didn't mention if you had less to do then - which you probably did, so the increase has shocked you - see it's tiring working and child rearing, this is fact. Yet you've had 4 in 10 years, which is a tall order if you both intend to work full time hours, and there's your problem. Most people would go part time with so many DC's. Who does that should sensibly be based on who earns more. People who both work with lots of DC's are earning enough to hire cleaners, and have family or paid help.
So a school day is usually 9-3, that's 6 hours there not 4-5. Then there are before and after school clubs to stretch the time further. From what you say, you are both trying to do too much and being all things and it's not working.
Sit down together and work out a better system, or force a better system by splitting up. Things clearly need to change one way or another.

I don't get the chance - apparently she's too tired and she needs to switch off. Then proceeds to just sit on her phone for 30 minutes while i'm sorting dinner, bed time routines etc

' I don't get the chance '

oh bullshit !

put your coat and and go out the door, " bye i'm off to work now, be back around ..., see you then if you are still awake "

What do you do OP - self employed? Work at night? Do you drive a taxi or something? Is your wife happy you are doing whatever job you are doing? Is that a reason she isn't supportive?

This sounds really hard OP. Are you a taxi driver? Sounds like money is a real issue and a lot of people with 4 kids buy some help in or lean really heavily on family. If you were divorced at least both of you would get a few days/nights off. It sounds like you are both suffering with the boring grunt work of parenting and working and burnout and blaming each other - this kind of rut is what some people call a marriage. I'm imagining your kids are young and money is tight and life is hard. Could you do some counselling yourself even if your wife won't? It may help you feel less alone and figure out how you can begin to build the life you want either inside or outside of this marriage. Good luck 👍

I setup my own business but have recently been offered a role that is extremely attractive. Double what I would usually earn - but that means I can't be as flexible so she doesn't want me to take it. Yet if I take it and I can actually do the hours required I can afford to move out and start again.

And to the oh bullshit put your coat on and leave comment previously - that would just make it worse because that would mean I don't care about her or the kids (she's played that card before)

But yeah you're right, I'll see what happens next week. Or I'll just start calling her bluff and make her see what she's doing isn't doing either of us any favours.

I'm not bitter, love, I have a very happy marriage of 26+ years. So if I'm all wrong and you're the downtrodden husband who does absolutely everything, then that means you're a martyr and a doormat, and I would say the exact same if you were a woman. People treat you how you allow them to. You can only be taken advantage of if you allow it.

If everything you say is true, your wife is abusive. Why, then, have you stayed? Why do you allow her to get away with doing next to nothing while you burn the candle at both ends?

If you aren't happy with your circumstances, it's your responsibility to change them.

LTB

Here we go.. the anti men brigade piling in

Heheheheheh great advice!!

I'm not bitter, love

🙄

Oh grow up, as you would say. I am not, and have never been, anti-men. There are usually two sides to every story, and the op's story has a lot of gaps. He and his wife have had four children and he is the only parent who has every done anything? He alone as always done all the housework, the breakfasts, the school runs?

I'm not sure if it's possible given the state of your marriage but can you organise some time together - preferably away from the house - and ask her to explain how she is experiencing things. Listen. Ask questions so that you really understand how she feels and what she's experiencing on her side. Really understand what responsibilities she's carrying on her sude. Ask what she thinks should happen regarding your relationship? Does she think it can be saved?

Focus on what she's saying. Don't be defensive.

Perhaps by the end of the conversation it will be clear whether there is a relationship to salvage.

The job. If you do take it can the household afford to pay for a cleaner and some childcare?

Not sure of your ages but could your wife possibly be perimenopausal ? Or simply very depressed ? If neither…. are you both so overwhelmed with life, work ,children ,house that you just both got as a couple lost.
It sounds like you are doing your very best keep doing what you are doing … but have you had a family day out at all over the last month have you had any fun … time maybe for you both to sit down and talk as a couple I understand you have both huge responsibilities at least try that’s all sometimes you can do . Wishing you both the very best

Yet if I take it and I can actually do the hours required I can afford to move out and start again.

Really? So you are assuming your wife will stay looking after the four children?

What do you envisage happening if she were to move out and leave you to it with the four children? Do you think you would earn enough to pay for wraparound care, the mortgage, the bills and do the brunt of childcare, homework, activities?

It does sound like the marriage is already over and neither of you is working together as a team. You are very resentful of the chores that you do and she apparently does not care and never sees herself as doing wrong.
It’s a bit hard to know where your wife is coming from even though we are “ladies” because she is not here to give her side of when and why things have gone wrong.

Assuming that there is no further back story, what’s stopping you from separating amicably? It would be better for the kids than living like this. I would approach Relate with the possibility that you might both agree to call it a day and think about how to do it in a way that is smoothest for the kids.

I think you should assume you aren't going to be a team in the future and take the job opportunity while it's available