Advice please ladies

[BeautifulFreak2024]

Hi all - just trying to get my head around things and thought I'd try on here

I'm a dad of 4, married for 6 years together for 10.

Things have been rough for over a year, we're in separate bedrooms and I've gone from sleeping on the sofa, to one of the kids beds.

Everything that I do is wrong. From how I help with housework, do the washing up, fold ironing etc.

I get the boys ready for school every morning, I sort their breakfast, lunch boxes, take them to school and collect 3 days a week whilst my wife works - the other 2 days she'll pick them up.

I'm self employed so work the hours that I can, however with the school runs that tends to be 4-5 hours at a push and then I try to work additional hours in the evening.

I'm expected to make changes to my day to accomodate her needs - we had previously arranged for me to go to work when she gets home - instead I'm putting the kids to bed, reading stories, preparing dinner and then finally leaving when I get the chance to try and get some more work done.

I'm dead. Some days I get in around 1-2am with a 6am start - when I tell her I'm shattered I just get told I should go to bed earlier!

She's constantly rude about my family, put's me down whenever she get's the chance, complains about everything, the state of the house etc.

We don't have a relationship, we don't communicate, there's no affection whatsoever. For over 2 years not once did she ask how my day was. She never would come up for a cuddle or a kiss and she's admitted she shows no affection.

Last year was a tough year financially and I ended up making our mortgage payment late (3 times in total but all paid within 7 days) I didn't tell her because frankly I'm past caring.

Yet she hit the roof when finding out, blaming me for her poor credit score when in fact she hadn't worked all summer as she was on a temp contract (which would have been the main reason)

We agreed that we would both make an effort - I'd look at getting counselling for not telling her the truth and she'd stop making nasty snide comments.

I've spoken to the GP and they suggested relate - I'd consider it as I'll hold my hands up where I have got things wrong. Yet she is adamant she's done nothing wrong.

I really have no idea why i'm posting here - I guess I'm just trying to get some sense of a female perspective since if I spoke to any female friends I'd get a torrent of abuse and be accussed of wanting to sleep with them.

Sorry for the rambling, I think I know what I need to do but with young kids and having to start my life all over again I'm just trying to make sure I do the right thing

Appreciate any advice, tips, suggestions

I am a woman. I would say take the job and call your wife on her bluff. I would also say you need individual counselling to set up your boundaries. Do you like reading? If you do I would recommend 2 books - The Art of Saying No and Why Women Talk and Men Walk (the latter book is written by joint a male and female family therapists team - so offers valuable insight on both sides of the story). Both available on Amazon. Agree with others- this is no way to live. Her way of talking to you could be classed as emotional abuse. Wishing you the best

The house could be sold and the money put in the Trust for children so dad could go on benefits. The wife has checked out of the marriage some ago and her behaviour is verging on abusive (emotional abuse - which is a recognised form of abuse).

Your wife sounds awful and personally I couldn’t live like that. But you seem very sure that relate wouldn’t work as she wouldn’t listen. Could it be worth a try? Was there a time when things were good between you? Do you want to salvage the relationship?

Clearly this situation is not sustainable so something big needs to change. The only other alternative I can see is divorce as her behaviour is bordering on abusive. Your children will pick up on the dynamic between you two and grow up thinking that it is normal. Is she a good parent?

Why do I hear Martin from Friday Night Dinner saying 'Females'.

This is no way to live. My ex partner and his wife were married 26 years. Got married fue to unplanned pregnancy. They were unhappy. Their son was the glue that kept them.together. After they split and he met me he realised that life does not have to be miserable. All 3 of them have poor mental health. This would not have been helped by the unpleasant environment. You and your wife need a frank talk.

Because we are being told the context of the situation.

Let’s face it - she pretty much does fuck all.
She didn’t even work through the summer.

Definitely a candidate for LTB.

I have a feeling that OP won't be back, which is a shame, he came here for advice and was mostly slammed.

If you do come back, OP, I'd suggest sitting down with some paper and a pen. Write a for and against staying married list.Thats what I did and I left.

You need to set up marriage therapy ASAP. If it doesn't help and you end up separating you've lost nothing but potentially will be able to communicate slightly better which is essential given you have four kids. Marriage is hard work especially with kids and financial difficulties thrown in. I've been to therapy twice with my DH and it made a huge difference both times. Just being together in a safe, neutral space and actually giving the other person time to get their point across is invaluable. You'll need to find a good therapist and pay for it. If time is an issue we did it online via zoom in the evenings once kids were in bed. If finances are an issue then cut something out for a few weeks to pay for it (gym/takeaways) or ask for a reduction in fees due to circumstances- most therapists will do this.

Yes she probably will use her time to complain about all your faults but you will also get an opportunity to make your point and she will have to listen. You will learn about how and why you are triggering each other and strategies to overcome this. You really need to get professional help or just call it a day.

https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

I'm still here.

As for selling the house, I want the boys to have a stable home and this is there home. I can't force her to sell and I wouldn't expect her to.

It's not as easy as those who say just leave etc, with the maintenance payments and the cost of renting a property I'd have enough money to feed myself toilet paper and rice over the month.

I'm looking at relate and will suggest we try, but I don't hold much hope. I've seen a side that I just don't like and think even if we had the help it doesn't change her attitude and comments.

Like some of you have said, it's a form of emotional abuse.

I'm going to write her a letter, detailing how I'm feeling and what she's doing with 2 options.

The abuse stops immediately, we both make an effort and go to relate.

Or I leave when the school year is over

Why wait until the school year is over ?
you can accept the lovely new job, and leave after you receive your first lovely new pay.

Agree with all of this 👆🏻.

If you split and have residence of the kids 50/50 no maintenance would be payable OP.

A lot more parents are making this work. You would then both have time to work/to yourselves and both get to raise your kids.

@BeautifulFreak2024 what a shit situation. It’s so hard to walk away when you have children, we want them to have a loving, stable life. They don’t have this though no matter how hard you try. They aren’t seeing a loving relationship modelled, even if you try to hide issues. They have an unhappy mum and dad.
You only get one life and deserve to be happy too. One day the children will grow up, move on and you will think I’m still here and still unhappy why did I stay?
If you had posted this as a woman (I’ve seen much smaller issues than this result in everyone telling them to leave) but because you are a man instantly some people on here will look for fault on you part. If I’m honest I think your fault is not nipping this in the bud sooner and letting her get away with things for so long.

Take the new job, go for 50/50 care, set yourself up to start your new life. It will be hard at first but worth it and so much better for everyone involved. Imagine how free and happy you will feel and the children when with you will notice a change. You can only pretend so much.

Maybe your wife will be happy if you leave
maybe your wife is getting her ducks in a row right now ?!!!

if you say you will be the one moving out, are you expecting her to take on the whole mortgage ?
you know the mortgage you didn't pay on time last summer - 3 times !!! and now apparently your wife has a poor credit score ?!!!

can your wife afford to take on the whole mortgage ?
will the mortgage company allow it - as your wife now has a poor credit score ?!!!

btw maybe your wife is tired out having given birth 4 times in 10 years, and having 4 children under the age of 10?!!!

maybe your wife looked after the children all day every day last summer ? after her temporary job ended...

and it appears she is now working full time 5 days a week...

two sides to every story...

Women do this shit all the time - Such a bold statement and 100% not true

But it is true. Women generally always do the lion's share of the drudgery of parenting.

And we seem to have another man on here who's resorting to insulting posters who don't agree with him.

Take the job. See a solicitor so you know exactly whats what and can then make an informed decision.
Its quite likely your wife wants a divorce but for the very same reason as you can’t quite face it.Give her a guilt free option she will probably jump at it

I wonder what would happen if you put in your letter
’Its blindingly obvious we no longer love each other and probably don’t actually like each other very much. We can either decide to talk about it and see if anything is salvageable or we split.’