Read so much about Affair Partners create a vacancy ..

[ap1999]

Interesting and I know it will not be popular but have nc and donned my tin hat - but .. so many threads in hear about 'marrying the mistress just creates a vacancy' ..

So my DH and I met through an affair.. I was already separated but still living in same home as ex DH .. current DH was still married but contracting away from home and as it turns out - his ex was seeing someone who she is now married to.. I had 3 kids he had 5.

In total I was married for 16 years and him for 13.. we have now been married for 25 and very very happy.

Is it not the case that sometimes people marry the wrong person first time round .. ? Even our kids say that we are ALL much happier ?

The only change I would have made would be the 'affair' part ... for us it was 6 weeks but it would have been better if he had left before. My DH says he agrees but at the time it was not about leaving a disinterested and hostile wife but the heartbreak of leaving his children.

Everyone now in their 20s/30s and all good .. but honestly.. do people really not believe in second chances ?

How should men who are wavering in their marriage address it?
Speak to their wife and try and sort the issues. If that does not work, try and reach an amicable way forward for separating which does not leave their wife holding the baby, so to speak, with no idea there was any wavering going on. Don’t wait until there is the safety of another relationship to jump to and then decide there were marital issues. It’s quite simple.

@Ginginninggone but in the cases you’re talking about they were abusive to their wives by having an affair, then STAYED (while keeping hold of their lovely affair memories as they weren’t found out) with their wives thus continuing their abuse and control and you minimise this because they ‘wavered’ in their marriage and previously tried to imply some kind of noble staying to protect the family. Are there any other ABUSIVE behaviours you find excuses for because life is ‘long and hard and complicated’ or is it just infidelity?

They should address it as soon as they realise they are unhappy.

Step away from anyone that they ‘have a connection with’ and concentrate on their own relationship wether that’s fixing it or ending it. If you have such a connection with this person, then you will still have that connection in a year or two. Once you have sorted everything out.

Having an affair is not an altruistic act. It’s not for the children. It’s not because their partner will be devastated to split. It’s because they want both.

In cases where they leave quickly, they enjoyed the perks of a long term relationship. They may have been unhappy but decided their pros of the situation was better than the cons. Then when someone else comes along, the pendulum swings the other way. The kids all of sudden aren’t the priority, the ‘connection’ is.

In cases where they are still having sex with their partners they are also removing their partners informed consent. If I knew my dp as having sex with someone else, I wouldn’t consent to having sex with him. He knows that.

I also don’t get this whole ‘what do you do if you have a connection’. Why do we, as a society, consider ‘a connection’ as an excuse for causing other people huge amounts of harm? Like once you have a connection you can’t be responsible for your actions. You lose control and any damage is acceptable in pursuit of this connection. That also makes no sense to me.

Totally agree. There is no way to spin an affair that makes it ok.

Of course it isn't a given that people will cheat again. But I guess you'll always know that their values are such that it will remain a possibility, and that they don't place a high priority on fidelity.

I don't really buy what your DH says about not wanting to leave his kids, personally. If that was really the issue, how come he was suddenly OK with leaving them 6 weeks later? I mean, I get that someone might stay in an unhappy marriage because of their kids, but it isn't really a reason why they should shag someone else.

Of course, what's done is done now, and I hope that things work out for you. For me, I think it would be hard to completely trust someone with that history though. It would always be a niggle at the back of my mind.

So it is preferable to have a husband leave, divorce, sell the house, tell the children and families, go back to work if SAHM set up, all of that etc. at the point at which the unhappy partner goes "hmm I'm not happy in my relationship to the extent I would be receptive to meeting someone else". I ask this because there are not many people who would think the fact that they are dissatisfied and unfulfilled is good enough reason to cause all of that hurt, change and uncertainty.

I've not heard the argument that infidelity is inherently abuse before. I certainly agree with you on consent, without a doubt. It isn't a commonly held view though perhaps it should be.

I know I sound overly sympathetic to the cheating partner and perhaps I am. I've spent time talking to men who've cheated and had affairs, and like everyone they are flawed, complex three dimensional people often struggling. For that reason I've heard their justifications. I'm not excusing or condoning their horrible behaviour, but no one who's spoken to me about it has ever gone "woohoo! I've just shagged one lady and I've got a whole spare one waiting at home!" so when it's presented that way I countered it with what I've heard from them.

‘I've not heard the argument that infidelity is inherently abuse before. I certainly agree with you on consent, without a doubt. It isn't a commonly held view though perhaps it should be.’

I think this is a fair reflection. Before it happened to me I understood affairs were awful. But I had no real idea of the trauma involved. I had no idea how sexually violated I would feel knowing that the man who was supposed to love and protect me had taken my right to informed consent. I had no idea how I’d feel about every choice I had made to try and be and do better for him (you know because he was ‘so’ depressed) would burn into me, no idea how much his constant gas lighting and lying had damaged my mental health. It was horrendous. It takes 2-5 years to heal from the trauma of infidelity. It’s abusive sexually, mentally, emotionally and physically.

I know I sound as though I’m team betrayed, I am but I also do understand how people can be deeply flawed. The important thing is that we grow and learn from our actions to become better people.

Sadly, I’d argue the men you describe have done none of this. By managing to maintain their secret, they have not only continued to remove consent and personal agency from their wives but they have never experienced the affair as the trauma inducing, abuse it was. They can retain all the ‘woe is me’ and fond ‘soul mate’ connection memories without the crushing guilt, remorse and regret through which you can grow learn and become better.

It’s preferable to leave, rather than have an affair yes. When affairs are discovered it can cause lots of trauma, even to the kids.

If you are staying for the kids, then don’t have an affair. Because that shows it’s not for the kid, because you are taking huge risks with their well being.

If you are so unhappy you just can’t help shag someone else because that will magically make it all better, it would be better leave. Focus splitting in a way that centres the kids, put them first.

You are right people often don’t see affairs as abusive but they very often are. There’s lying, there’s deceit, the lack of consent to open relationship, there diverting or resources away from the family and so on.

Not sure why you keep pointing out that sahm might be a specialist case and it would be awful for them to go back to work. It’s even worse if their partner is a sahp. You continue to let your partner impact their earning potential, rely on you financially all while lying to them?

It would be awful for them to find out the person they thought they had a partnership with was lying to them, hadn’t given them all the facts and was manipulating them into the position they were in. And now feel trapped by that position. It’s exploitative.

And notice these people don’t go their partners saying they want an open marriage? No, because they want it all. But they don’t want their partner having to opportunity to stay in the relationship and have the chance to have fun elsewhere. Entirely selfish thinking.

The OP says things have worked out for them and they are VERY VERY happy. I wonder what the wife and mother of his 5 children has to say about it.

Well, yeah. Though it sounds like she was shagging around as well, so perhaps they deserved each other

And yes, the OP says that things have worked out for them and that they're very happy right now. I was thinking more about the longer term, which nobody can predict.

I wouldn't ever feel secure in my relationship if DH had form for cheating because I would always know that being faithful wasn't something that he would prioritise.

if they are not unhappy enough to cause all that change and uncertainty in the absence of an affair, why do they become suddenly so unhappy once there is someone else on the scene? That makes no sense as an argument, it’s a retrospectively constructed narrative then because they were not unhappy enough to leave and cause uncertainty, you said it yourself. The uncertainty only becomes worth it to them when they have someone else lined up.

I also don’t think anyone is saying that cheating men go ‘woohoo I have shagged one lady and I have got a spare one waiting at home’ but to be fair, the man in the OP does talk about his trade, so to speak, of a 40 year old for a 44 year old as if that somehow makes him better than someone who leaves a 40 year old for a 36 year old, to take the same age difference. I mean, he is aware that his behaviour fits a stereotype of a an affair relationship and finds one thing which sets him apart. Give the man a medal. He left a woman with five kids, but it’s okay, it was for someone four years older than him.

Affair couples are some of the most deluded and self righteous people I know. They appear to continuously try to justify their behaviour, speak of greater good and try to convince people of their happiness.

Let's play Affair bingo:
It was a dead marraige anyway
They weren't sleeping together (yet everyone one cheated on here says they need an sti test!)
Their partner had no interest
Got together too young
Stayed for the kids
Better for everyone around
Couldn't help ourselves- magnetic, attraction, chemistry, drawn to each other, the one
Blissfully happy now
Trust each other implicitly

If people are unhappy, do the decent thing and split anyway. I have no respect for those who jump from one to the other. Seperate, be single for a while, focus on the kids, then start a new relationship.

Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids.

The immaturity of some partners who decide to marry have children and then are still looking for other connections is so far away frogrown up behaviour.

I don't give a crap about soulmates, and I would say the person who has the affair 99% of the time is the person who created the problems in the marriage in the first place.

I've seen so many people turn the narrative round on victims just so they can skip off without concience., I'm always happy when second relationships disolve and the ex with children are finally vindicated through yet another of their connections, when it's really their innability to connect with the person they should be connecting to.

Put two people together after an affair who can't connect properly and the chances of survival are even lower, hooray keep looking, I'm sure the problem wasn't you, not.

When I see divorce, I see one party who is selfish, immature, idealistic, lacking in duty and care of children, and a liar. Even better if their lives consist of rearanging the narrative to belittle the other party who was innocent.
I can hear lots of you shouting, no one party is ever to blame, well I don't agree with that, I think there is predominatly one party to blame but it's not always the one you think.