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Original poster

New boyfriend hasn't told his family about us: normal or concerning?

42 replies

LooneyLoons · 05/04/2024 11:08

Hi everyone, NCed to avoid being identifiable through posting history. I am a long-time poster on Mumsnet and this board.

I started dating a lovely guy 4 months ago. We are both mid-30s. The relationship is going really well, we agreed we were together and monogamous quite early on, he told me he loved me a couple of months in, we speak every day throughout the day both by text and on the phone, and see each other once or twice a week. He picks me up from the airport when I come back from a trip and is organizing a special day out for my upcoming birthday. All great!

There is however a niggling doubt that I have and I can't decide if it is reasonable or not: he hasn't told his parents he is in a relationship with me. His parents live in another European country and he sees them maybe once a year. They seem to have a pretty formal parent-son relationship (shaking hands when they meet type-of-thing) but speak on the phone weekly. I get the impression that they don't really know much about his life. I know he had told them about a previous girlfriend he dated for 18 months and they were sorry when they broke up. Additionally, his mum has early-onset Alzheimer so gets confused and forgets things sometimes, so that might also be a factor.

I have a warm, close, and transparent relationship with my parents so I can't imagine dating someone seriously without telling them. I guess that is not the case for everybody though. I haven't asked him outright why he hasn't told them because I don't want to pressure him in sharing personal info with his family if he is not ready. I wouldn't like that if the roles were reversed.

Would you take the fact that he hasn't told his parents about us as a sign that he is not that serious/ invested in the relationship? Or is this fairly normal 4 months in and I just have to give it time?

Thanks!

OP posts:
EVHead · 05/04/2024 11:10

It’s early days. They live far away. He has a totally different relationship with his parents than you have with yours.

Wouldn't bother me at all.

Catowl · 05/04/2024 11:14

I wouldn't worry I didn't tell my mother about dating DH back in the early days for a few months. She is noisy and I couldn't be bothered with questions.
DH hid me from his mother even longer. Now this was a red flag as his mother is awful so by the time I met her I was too in love with DH to do a runner.

He will probably introduce you when it would be natural to IE maybe if they come to visit. But I can't see a need for him to tell them about his love life if they are abroad anyway.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 05/04/2024 11:19

Dh didn't tell mil for a year. To protect me!!

ReturnfromtheStars · 05/04/2024 12:10

Did he tell his close local friends?

JadeSeahorse · 05/04/2024 12:31

My friend’s partner is from Spain.

They have lived together now for almost 20 years - no children - and seem happy enough.

He returns to Spain every few months to visit his father and siblings, (His DM died when he was much younger). My friend has never met any of his family although I understand they are aware of her. She has never been invited to join partner on one of his regular trips.

I must admit it wouldn’t work for me but seems to suit them.

wutheringkites · 05/04/2024 12:35

I wouldn't worry about this. At this stage, I'd assume it's more about his relationship with his parents than about his relationship with you.

If he hasn't told them a year from now then I'd question it.

Original poster
LooneyLoons · 05/04/2024 12:38

ReturnfromtheStars · 05/04/2024 12:10

Did he tell his close local friends?

He only has a couple of local friends since he moved here from abroad a couple of years ago, but yes I know he has told them and I have met two of them over drinks. I know he also told his best friend who lives overseas.

He mentioned a couple of times "When you meet my parents etc etc" so I assume it is something he sees happening in the future, although I didn't ask clarifying questions at the moment.

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 05/04/2024 12:39

The man who has now been my DH for almost 40 years didn't mention my existence to his parents until we got engaged. We had been a couple for a year, and living together for about six months, and they only lived about an hour away. 😁

Ponderingwindow · 05/04/2024 12:42

I have a distant relationship with my parents. I started keeping my life as private as possible even as a child for very good reason. A 4 month relationship is not something I would have shared.

it very likely has nothing to do with you or your relationship. Not everyone gets a wonderful origin family.

Opentooffers · 05/04/2024 12:43

If he's told friends and any siblings about you, I wouldn't worry yet. Give it a year, then bring it up

Rosesanddaisies1 · 05/04/2024 12:48

EVHead · 05/04/2024 11:10

It’s early days. They live far away. He has a totally different relationship with his parents than you have with yours.

Wouldn't bother me at all.

This. Given their distance and relationship, I wouldn’t be concerned.

shoppingshamed · 05/04/2024 12:50

Doesn't sound even slightly concerning to me, you're assuming everyone has the same relationship with their parents as you do and thats not the case at all

Ladyj84 · 05/04/2024 12:51

I wouldn't worry we didn't tell either set of parents till engagement lol..happily married and kids now

Justcallmebebes · 05/04/2024 12:56

Depends on their relationship. I wouldn't ever tell my parents anything about my personal life. I'd been divorced several years before my parents found out and that was only cos someone else told them

LlynTegid · 05/04/2024 12:57

Four months, does not seem unreasonable to me.

Pineapplewaves · 05/04/2024 12:58

I didn't tell my DM about DP for a long time. I was a huge disappointed to my DM not marrying my first serious boyfriend and settling down at 21. She had become obsessed about finding me a husband and me missing my chance to become a Mother! I decided at some point it was best to tell her nothing (we live a long way away from each other too).

SamW98 · 05/04/2024 13:00

I’m very private so don’t discuss my personal life with my family at all.

The last guy I dated I was with over a year before my parents knew about him and that’s only because I went on holiday with him and someone I know bumped into my mum and mentioned me being in Greece.

So after 4 months I wouldn’t have any concerns

OodlesPoodle · 05/04/2024 13:17

I wouldn't worry at all. If he was seeing them regularly then maybe. Some guys only tell their families when they're sure it will lead to marriage especially in their 30s - no one wants a revolving door of short term partners in their families after all.. But they're not close and his mum has Alzheimers as well. He has a different type of relationship with his family so best not to project your own experiences on him but base your opinion on his behaviour alone.

I didn't meet my fiance's mum till 2 years in - even though he saw her weekly and lived close to us. She knew about me but was socially awkward so he didn't want me to deal with her. We're getting married in a few weeks and i still have a very distant relationship with her which suits me (because he was right about her, ha!). All families and relationships are different.

Watchkeys · 05/04/2024 13:27

It's more concerning that you're coming to a forum rather than feeling comfortable asking him about it, really. Why wouldn't you go to him, first?

Original poster
LooneyLoons · 05/04/2024 13:41

Watchkeys · 05/04/2024 13:27

It's more concerning that you're coming to a forum rather than feeling comfortable asking him about it, really. Why wouldn't you go to him, first?

I think it'd be tricky to ask such a question without making him feel pressured to tell his parents, and I really would hate to be pressured if the roles were reversed. I am probably overthinking it tbh!

OP posts:
Shiningout · 05/04/2024 13:54

I've been with my bf for a year and haven't told my family. We are long distance well about 6 hour drive away, and so not together a lot of the time and still live our own lives. It's actually nice to not have everyone asking about it and stuff, I feel quite a lot of pressure when everyone knows, and if it doesn't work out then I don't have to tell everyone 😂

Soluckyinlove · 05/04/2024 14:01

Once I left home, I never told my family about my love life. I also protected my husband to be from them for as long as possible. I did eventually, at his insistance, invite them to our very small, low-key wedding. My mother (dead now) behaved exactly as expected and hated him. My siblings, a couple of decades later, get on very well with him.
It is probably more to do with his family than you. I wouldn't worry.

PossumintheHouse · 05/04/2024 14:05

It's fine. My now fiancé didn't tell his family about us until the three month mark, and even then he only revealed it because they sussed it out due to his increased texting over the Christmas holidays. It's early days - perfectly normal to want to see where it goes before bringing the family into it.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/04/2024 14:19

wutheringkites · 05/04/2024 12:35

I wouldn't worry about this. At this stage, I'd assume it's more about his relationship with his parents than about his relationship with you.

If he hasn't told them a year from now then I'd question it.

Hmm. I've been going out with someone for over a year and haven't told my parents who live abroad. It's no reflection on how I feel about my boyfriend.

Bobbotgegrinch · 05/04/2024 14:51

I never used to tell my parents about any new girlfriends until probably around 6 months in, it would take a while to tell friends as well.

I'm just quite a private person, I preferred not having the added pressure, and keeping my dating life separate from the rest of my life in the early stages. I just wasn't a fan of questions like "Hows it going with x", etc.