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Original poster

New boyfriend hasn't told his family about us: normal or concerning?

42 replies

LooneyLoons · 05/04/2024 11:08

Hi everyone, NCed to avoid being identifiable through posting history. I am a long-time poster on Mumsnet and this board.

I started dating a lovely guy 4 months ago. We are both mid-30s. The relationship is going really well, we agreed we were together and monogamous quite early on, he told me he loved me a couple of months in, we speak every day throughout the day both by text and on the phone, and see each other once or twice a week. He picks me up from the airport when I come back from a trip and is organizing a special day out for my upcoming birthday. All great!

There is however a niggling doubt that I have and I can't decide if it is reasonable or not: he hasn't told his parents he is in a relationship with me. His parents live in another European country and he sees them maybe once a year. They seem to have a pretty formal parent-son relationship (shaking hands when they meet type-of-thing) but speak on the phone weekly. I get the impression that they don't really know much about his life. I know he had told them about a previous girlfriend he dated for 18 months and they were sorry when they broke up. Additionally, his mum has early-onset Alzheimer so gets confused and forgets things sometimes, so that might also be a factor.

I have a warm, close, and transparent relationship with my parents so I can't imagine dating someone seriously without telling them. I guess that is not the case for everybody though. I haven't asked him outright why he hasn't told them because I don't want to pressure him in sharing personal info with his family if he is not ready. I wouldn't like that if the roles were reversed.

Would you take the fact that he hasn't told his parents about us as a sign that he is not that serious/ invested in the relationship? Or is this fairly normal 4 months in and I just have to give it time?

Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
LooneyLoons · 08/04/2024 08:29

Hi everyone, thanks for your input! As I suspected there is a general consensus that it is pretty normal not to introduce a new-ish girlfriend to family after a few months. It is hard for me to understand as my family situation is totally different.

I think I should focus on all the ways he shows me he loves and is serious about me instead of fixating on the one thing that is not going the way I expected it to :)

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 08/04/2024 08:32

LooneyLoons · 08/04/2024 08:29

Hi everyone, thanks for your input! As I suspected there is a general consensus that it is pretty normal not to introduce a new-ish girlfriend to family after a few months. It is hard for me to understand as my family situation is totally different.

I think I should focus on all the ways he shows me he loves and is serious about me instead of fixating on the one thing that is not going the way I expected it to :)

Personally I’d be wary of someone who seems to want to keep me a secret.

Original poster
LooneyLoons · 08/04/2024 08:36

Soontobe60 · 08/04/2024 08:32

Personally I’d be wary of someone who seems to want to keep me a secret.

Show quote history

Except that he isn't keeping me a secret. I met his local friends and colleagues, I know he has talked to his non-local friends about me and invited me to be his +1 at a friend's wedding in September. It is just his parents that he is keeping out of the loop.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 08/04/2024 08:41

It’s only 4 months in, normal not to tell your parents at this stage

It’s a bit unusual to tell someone you love them after a couple months, which is maybe why it feels odd to you he hasn’t told his parents? I’m presuming he didn’t mean it in the full sense at this point.

Original poster
LooneyLoons · 08/04/2024 08:43

theduchessofspork · 08/04/2024 08:41

It’s only 4 months in, normal not to tell your parents at this stage

It’s a bit unusual to tell someone you love them after a couple months, which is maybe why it feels odd to you he hasn’t told his parents? I’m presuming he didn’t mean it in the full sense at this point.

We had been friends for a couple of years before we got together and our mutual feelings slowly developed over a year before we acknowledged them. That is why we said "I love you" so early on :)

OP posts:
anyolddinosaur · 08/04/2024 09:07

Do you know what religion his parents are? I think I'd want to know if that was likely to be an issue going forward. 4 months is quite soon to be sure you wish to stay together, if they visit and you are not introduced it would be a large red flag.

Scottishskifun · 08/04/2024 09:13

I didn't tell my parents about DH until I was moving in with him after 7 months. DH didn't tell his parents about me until the same time.
It wasn't because we weren't in a committed relationship it's because we lived far away from our parents and it came with more questions rather then just enjoying ourselves. My DF was very tarnished by doing family law so his automatic assumption when I said I was moving in was that DH must be controlling (he's definitely not).

At 4 months I wouldn't be concerned.

vincettenoir · 08/04/2024 09:24

I think all this indicates is that his parents aren't really that engaged in his life / him in theirs. It's not that unusual although that, in itself, might be a deal breaker if you're after someone family orientated.

SallyWD · 08/04/2024 09:33

EVHead · 05/04/2024 11:10

It’s early days. They live far away. He has a totally different relationship with his parents than you have with yours.

Wouldn't bother me at all.

Same

Original poster
LooneyLoons · 08/04/2024 10:48

anyolddinosaur · 08/04/2024 09:07

Do you know what religion his parents are? I think I'd want to know if that was likely to be an issue going forward. 4 months is quite soon to be sure you wish to stay together, if they visit and you are not introduced it would be a large red flag.

They are secular/ atheists. His mum (who has early onset dementia) visited him for 2 days a couple of weeks ago and he didn't introduce me. Do you think that is concerning?

OP posts:
CaterhamReconstituted · 08/04/2024 10:58

Nothing to worry about.

occhiazzurri · 08/04/2024 12:48

Like a lot of posters I think it is too early, even if they are visiting. I would give it at least six months and have an honest discussion as to whether you would like to meet them.

Katiesaidthat · 08/04/2024 15:27

I think it´s early days, but if around the year mark it is still the same I would say it is a red flag. Either about your partner´s family or about your parnter.

WindowMeans · 08/04/2024 17:01

Idk, the fact that you're worrying about it and listing the pros of the relationship would signal you think he's not fully "there" in other ways?

If you're both 30's and have no children and aren't long distance I'd expect you to be quite comfortable and secure by now (for the dull practical stuff like sitting around at home).

I don't think not meeting the parents is wrong in itself, like pps say that's quite common

(I personally actually would prefer to have distance from the family and friends for my own peace of mind and less drama and I'm introverted!).

What is your judgement normally like when it comes to dating? Was the friendship online only before you met?

With international friends and dates, unfortunately a lot can get buried or excused in the language and culture gap...

There's some great love stories, but also some people do live double emotional lives and not take dates in the new country that seriously, more like a nice bit forgettable holiday romance.

Goes across every culture and nationality unfortunately. Intense feelings and nice moments, but not actually that committed.

I work in a very international environment, which can be cool.

However, I get the vibe some of the guys are looking for local women to be a shoulder to cry on/temporary support person as it's hard for them settling into a new country or getting dates unless they are super rich.

So I don't invest too much time in them now.

I've noted that when I need to overanalyse what something means, I've probably got spidey senses that he's not that into me. Or at least my emotional needs aren't being met.

Can't remember who said it, but someone said for many successful relationships the couple basically disappear together then remerge after 6 months looking like slobs merged at the hip and 10 pounds heavier.

Original poster
LooneyLoons · 09/04/2024 12:26

Never mind!!! My boyfriend called me yesterday evening and casually mentioned he told his mum about us. She apparently can't wait to meet me :)

I was fretting over nothing!

OP posts:
Daffodilsarentfluffy · 09/04/2024 16:41

He is on mnet op!!

anyolddinosaur · 10/04/2024 11:19

Yes I do think it's concerning that his mother visited and he didnt introduce you. However that was 3.5 months so still early. I wouldnt have expected him to get you together for hours, feel he should have arranged a brief introduction. Still he's told them now and you can meet next time he sees them.

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