Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is having high boundaries a bad thing?

35 replies

MealDeal1 · 05/04/2024 00:00

I've got high boundaries these days with regards to friendships. I got sick of people that only talk about themselves, selfish behaviour, nasty digs, lateness.

These days I have 3 good friends. Having a big circle of friends has always caused problems for me and I've always ended up putting up with substandard friends.

Is it a bad thing to have high boundaries and distance yourself from people that don't meet what you want from friendships?

OP posts:
GreigeO · 05/04/2024 00:02

It’s so obvious that the answer is no, that it makes me wonder why you’re asking?

PlasticOno · 05/04/2024 00:04

Well, I suppose the answer depends on you’re happy with the life that resulted from these boundaries? Yours don’t sound that high to me. I only like as friends clever, articulate, observant people who lead interesting lives, and I’m not that bothered about whether they’d drive me to A and E at 3 am or whether they’d ’do anything for anyone’. That’s too fussy for some people.

alwaysbuffingnails · 05/04/2024 00:09

Yes I feel much better in myself after distancing from people that I didn't feel happy after I'd spent time with them

Sashya · 05/04/2024 00:20

It is a strange question. You can be friends with whoever you chose. And definition of friends is not universal, in any case.

To some people - friends are a small group of people people they feel close to emotionally, almost like family. Others consider people they regularly hang out with in a group as friends....

Your post does sound a but combative, though. As if you decided to "cull" and "cancel" people as friends for somehow slighting you. I am not sure I'd want to be judged and assessed on my performance as a friend by my lateness record....
As to selfishness and nastiness - that is just common decency and doesn't need to be defined as a boundary, IMHO.

Original poster
MealDeal1 · 05/04/2024 00:23

@Sashya you'd expect someone to continue being friends with you if you were regularly an hour or more late to meet up, whilst you waited for them to stand there waiting for you? Really?

OP posts:
Kia24 · 05/04/2024 00:27

Well done on having great boundaries. I sort of don't do well in that area. Had a very bad experience with a friend recently and I am unsure how to handle it . May be your can help me in setting boundaries and most importantly sticking to them. I get sucked up into their drama and feel bad for them and just overextend myself.

Mrbumpssmile · 05/04/2024 00:32

MealDeal1 · 05/04/2024 00:23

@Sashya you'd expect someone to continue being friends with you if you were regularly an hour or more late to meet up, whilst you waited for them to stand there waiting for you? Really?

The trick is to arrange to meet an hour earlier than you wish, so the friend turns up on time. Always works for me. Otherwise, turn up an hour later yourself or, rather than standing there, go to a cafe.

Does sound annoying, though! If the friend was lovely enough in other ways I'd just work round the lateness. But if it's a deal-breaker for you, fair enough.

Sashya · 05/04/2024 01:13

@MealDeal1
All I am saying is that you sound rigid and judgy to me. And you seem to be quite black/white in your views and it doesn't make you an easy person to be friends with.

Personally I tend not to be late. But - when under pressure/stress/anxiety/etc I can be forgetful and miss things. But I understand people are not perfect - so I don't judge my friends for being imperfect.
I do have a friend who is really busy, (and possibly has a bit of ADHD) - so she has trouble with timekeeping. But she is a really warm and caring friend - so I don't hold it against her and work around her particular challenges.

Original poster
MealDeal1 · 05/04/2024 01:23

@Sashya I don't want to be an 'easy' person to be friends with. I've been like that in the past, putting up with anything and everything and supporting everyone and making excuses for everyone, and I realised that none of them would do that for me. I was always expected to be there for everyone else.

I'd rather people had to work harder to be my friend these days.

OP posts:
Original poster
MealDeal1 · 05/04/2024 01:25

And also, the judging of imperfections works both ways. I was always expected by everyone to be great; listening to them, taking their shitty comments, being upbeat, on time etc but no allowances were ever made for me.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 05/04/2024 01:42

MealDeal1 · 05/04/2024 00:23

@Sashya you'd expect someone to continue being friends with you if you were regularly an hour or more late to meet up, whilst you waited for them to stand there waiting for you? Really?

The fact that this isn't at all what @Sashya said makes me think you are perhaps more combative and intolerant than you believe yourself to be.

One of my best and oldest friends is a terrible flake. When we make a date to catch up, I know it's 50/50 odds she will cancel. But I don't really care. I just make a backup plan. When we do catch up, we always have an amazing time. I also know that in the far less likely event that I flaked on a date, she would never give me a hard time.

It works completely fine for me. If having much stricter boundaries works completely fine for you, I applaud you. But I wonder why you'd bother to make a thread asking if YABU if it's working so well for you.

Original poster
MealDeal1 · 05/04/2024 01:48

@CheekyHobson well that's great that your friend wouldn't give you a hard time. As I've said upthread, no one made any allowances for me whilst all give was expected from me.

And yes, I am intolerant now to being treated disrespectfully.

OP posts:
aurynne · 05/04/2024 02:00

By the way you express yourself it does not sound that you have
"high boundaries" (I think you may mean "high expectations" or "strict boundaries"? "High boundaries" makes no sense), it sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder.

High expectations and/or strict boundaries need to be combined with the same expectations of yourself. Otherwise you may find you will end up losing even the friends you have, and finding no one wants to bother getting to know you because you come across as arrogant and self-entitled. No one owes you a friendship.

Aussieland · 05/04/2024 02:02

I think expecting people to not be an hour late is a completely reasonable boundary!
Otherwise it depends what your boundaries are as to whether YABU or not. I think friends should add to each others lives, not make them harder or unpleasant (that doesn’t mean only wanting to be there in the good times but it’s give and take) so whatever allows for that

alwaysbuffingnails · 05/04/2024 02:08

Oh come off it @aurynne. It's always the arrogant and self entitled ones that have people queuing up to be their friends

MMmomDD · 05/04/2024 02:18

OP - you sound like a martyr slighted by some gang of mean women out to hurt you.
And maybe they were that.
But the way you talk and twist people’s words by jumping to some extremes suggest that maybe there is more to the story.

Not sure what the point of your thread is.
Was is for a rant or some attention?
As you were not really pondering the question you put in the title?

aurynne · 05/04/2024 02:19

alwaysbuffingnails · 05/04/2024 02:08

Oh come off it @aurynne. It's always the arrogant and self entitled ones that have people queuing up to be their friends

Oh well, if that rocks the OP's boat then good for her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/04/2024 02:25

aurynne · 05/04/2024 02:00

By the way you express yourself it does not sound that you have
"high boundaries" (I think you may mean "high expectations" or "strict boundaries"? "High boundaries" makes no sense), it sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder.

High expectations and/or strict boundaries need to be combined with the same expectations of yourself. Otherwise you may find you will end up losing even the friends you have, and finding no one wants to bother getting to know you because you come across as arrogant and self-entitled. No one owes you a friendship.

Exactly. I have flaws but also great qualities. Therefore I expect to have friends with flaws but great qualities. I have one flake who is always late but the most fun, caring person ever. One who is rude and brusque but has guarded my secrets for decades and has my back. One who says all sorts of awful things but would literally bury a body for me.

I am similarly useless in some areas and great in others. Takes all sorts.

MamaSleep · 05/04/2024 04:23

Read Elizabeth Day’s Friendaholic.

Palacelife · 05/04/2024 05:31

I think 3 good friends is a lot.
dont waste your time with bad company.

Happyinarcon · 05/04/2024 05:48

I’m always happy to take friendships as they turn up in whatever form they turn up. If I was meeting a friend who was habitually late I’d just get them to text when they were near before leaving my house. Not everyone is good at the nuances of interpersonal relationships and there’s no reason to make things even more difficult for them.

Riapia · 05/04/2024 06:20

A friend will help you to move house.
A good friend will help you to move a body.

DatingDinosaur · 05/04/2024 07:22

Perhaps your friends are respecting their own boundaries and giving you the slow fade?

MrKDilkington · 05/04/2024 07:47

I've always been a bit of a loner. I love my own company and have since I was a child. I'm very self contained and honestly have never needed anyone's support or advice.

I don't like to have close friends at all. Instead I like having mates and acquaintances - someone to have a casual drink with every now and again, but without anyone thinking they're close enough to me that they can offer opinions on my life or ask me big favours etc.

I'm sure some on MN will be horrified, but I've made it to 40, happy with this approach and have a lovely life.

Bewareofthisonetoo · 05/04/2024 07:55

I think the boundaries thing is so important -it should be taught in school. I have gone most of my life letting people walk over me -now I have left an abusive marriage and am much more able to have boundaries. I have lost of good friends and like me they are fallible, but so now invest me time and energy in good people.
Like Maya Angelou said, you forget what people do and forgive what they say (or the other way round?) but you never can forget how they make you feel. So yes they may be late or annoying at times but do they support you or undermine you? Thst is now my boundary and I won’t now see three ‘friends’ who deliberately made me feel bad abut a relationship (they were envious) -and it’s no loss to me as have lovely people who would. never dream of being deliberately hurtful.

Swipe left for the next trending thread