Is having high boundaries a bad thing?

[MealDeal1]

I've got high boundaries these days with regards to friendships. I got sick of people that only talk about themselves, selfish behaviour, nasty digs, lateness.

These days I have 3 good friends. Having a big circle of friends has always caused problems for me and I've always ended up putting up with substandard friends.

Is it a bad thing to have high boundaries and distance yourself from people that don't meet what you want from friendships?

I can relate to this. I am very self contained, perhaps because I was running my own business in my late 20s I wasn’t always able to “be there”. I have one good friend who has put up with me. I think that a lot of women struggle to understand why you prefer your own company but I’m quite sure that if they really analysed their friendship group they would realise that most groups revolve around a dominant character who cultivates the adoration of the rest. I was badly bullied by a so call friend in my early 20s because I wasn’t prepared to be exclusive to her “gang” so have avoided that sort of friendship situation ever since. It can be a little lonely but at the same time you never have to dance to any one else’s tune.

Why are you asking, what do you want from the thread? Straight question.

It sounds like your boundaries were too low for a while, now they are normal (you don't put up with shit you don't enjoy/can tolerate easily) you're going through a period of re-adjustment?

I can relate to that. I'm way slower to consider someone a friend now. I finally faded out my last remaining 'friendship' with someone who repeatedly displayed traits I wouldn't tolerate in a friend now, a year ago. There was a reason to some extent but it was several years too late.

I'm now much more aware of red flags and take Maya Angelou's advice on believing someone first time...and now Robert Greene on how people repeat who they are.

My three closest and oldest friends (sadly don't live locally now but I speak to them regularly and we meet up when we can) have never, I've recently fully realised, displayed the kinds of things you are talking about - nasty digs, selfishness, excessive gossip etc.

Is it a bad thing to have high boundaries and distance yourself from people that don't meet what you want from friendships

Bad according to what? Puppies are bad if you have a phobia of dogs, but not otherwise. Peanuts are bad if you have an allergy, but not otherwise. Attacking someone is bad, but not if they're stealing your baby.

Things need context before they can be regarded as good or bad. Boundaries are not 'high' or 'low'. Yours may be higher than they used to be, or higher than a lot of other people's, but they can't be 'too high' unless there is a 'correct' height of boundary to have. The correct amount for you is what makes you happy, so nobody can tell you if your boundaries are good/bad, right/wrong, high/low: you are the reference point, and we don't know you.

Make your own rules, and make them ones you're happy with.

It certainly can be.

have a couple of friends who are very reliant on me, they would describe themselves as having ‘just a few close friends’

They are incapable of having acquaintances, enjoying people for what they are, making small talk. Everything has to be so deep. They get prickly at the slightest thing- I’m usually forgiven, but it means they just end up shutting themselves off from what could be nice pleasantries and interactions.

not everyone has to be your best friend. It’s nice to have a few little situational friends and acquaintances in different areas of your life.

That's a good point @NavyPeer .

I've got a lot of acquaintances/casual friends/work friends and enjoy an impromptu chat with them and strangers alike. Several of them I definitely know that I wouldn't like to purposefully meet up for longer/would never tell them anything of consequence - but I still enjoy their company/ the odd laugh. Some I do purposely meet up with for a coffee/walk but only every now and again. I would really miss not having this.

I would say boundaries are only too high if you apply the same level or almost the same level to everyone. My boundaries were too low in the past when people who should've stayed casual friends became too close - I get that now.

Its only a 'bad thing' if you're cutting off your nose to spite your face and rejecting people for things because you feel you should, or if you're throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I have a friend who's always late. It drives me mad. Its inconvenient and its rude. But she has many qualities that enrich my life. She's intelligent, hilarious and good natured so on balance she brings more to my life than she takes from it with her tardiness. If high boundaries help you that's great, as long as you're not imprisoning yourself with them and missing out.

I don't think it's a bad thing at all, I think as you get older you have less tolerance for bullshit and naturally end up with fewer friends but they are good, genuine friendships rather than just 'mates'

The only time it's an issue is when people have high boundaries but use it as an excuse for being inflexible and won't compromise on anything. But that in itself is shitty behaviour so you'd cut them off anyway.

Your boundaries are your boundaries

It’s interesting that you regard closeness as involving someone feeling they can offer opinions on your life and ask you big favours. I’m not surprised you don’t want close friends if that’s what you think it means.

Yep, I'm happy as I am. Plenty of mates, but no close friends.