Stressed husband - was this over the top

[BarrelOfOtters]

Last night we were both really tired and had to fix something fiddly and broken before we could go to bed.

DH was really stressed and over the top. He's not practical and was frankly being over dramatic over something if we'd just done it calmly would have been fine. I was annoyed with him and didn't communicate well and he threw a stepladder down without looking where I was and it could have hit me - so he ended up sort of punching the air in frustration in front of me and swearing at me to get out.

So I did. I made up the bed in the spare room and he came in and apologised so I slept in our room.

We've been married 15 years, are in our 50s. Generally get on OK. But he is a total stress monkey at times and can just behave almost irrationally.

Anyway I'm not sure whether to say anything when I get home tonight.

How regularly does he get excessively stressed? I think this would make a difference to how I perceived it.

It doesn't sound like it was either of your best moments tbh. Although he shouldn't swear at you, it does sound as if he was remorseful soon after. Also the stepladder thing, was it directed at you? or more threw it without looking as he was in a temper?

can you sit him down and explain that you could have been badly hurt and you need him to take responsibility for his behaviour and take himself off for a walk instead next time he’s stressed. You will not tolerate a repeat.

Yeah he was completely oblivious as to where I was when he was throwing the stepladders down.

It was neither of ours finest moments....true.

But he's not good at dealing with stress, he's got coping mechanisms - or if he's being a stressy pain I'l take myself off to do something else.

But it's like he'd turned into a completely different person. So I think he must be much more stressed in general than I've realised that this kind of pushed him over the edge.

He could have killed you. He knew you were there somewhere op, and he didn’t care.

I would be giving me a final warning that unless he can control himself and not put you in danger then he will have to find somewhere else to live. I suggest he books himself a GP visit too.

Absolutely out of order and yes he could have killed you. You absolutely need to address it with him, you can’t brush over something as serious as this. My ex used to fly off the handle like that, but was never violent physically, but I used to dread him ever doing anything, as he would always be stressed trying to find the right tools, accusing me of moving things or his favourite complaint was about all the carrier bags in the same cupboard as his tools. We had an argument everytime he needed to go into that cupboard. We had minimal space so needed to use every bit of space we had so a cupboard just for his tool box so he could get it out without moving a few bags wasn’t going to happen. Since we stopped living together there’s not been a single stroppy moment or argument in my house, over 12yrs and I’ve got 2 teens. We enjoy a relaxed house. I grew up with a mum with mental health issues and I think my ex’s moods triggered me as a child I never knew what I was going home to, and same with him sulking over small things

He couldn't have killed me - though I might have got a slight bruise from a very light set of step ladders. Don't be over dramatic.

But I am musing about whether I can cope with his stresses and his reaction to his stress. I don't want to become the metaphorical cat he kicks when he's stressed. (He loves our cat and would never kick it.)

But watching his dad's behaviour with his mum there's a lot of patterns repeating. She is very tied to him and his moods. His dad loves his mum to bits but expects a lot from her.

But I do relate to the Poster above talking about the stress when something can't be found or is out of place and it's always my fault - even when it's really not....

I zone out of most of it but I'm not sure that's a great response either.

"I'm divorcing you" is appropriate.

Your husband is a violent bully. Why on earth are you putting up with this shit?

He's not a violent bully.

This was an extreme reaction for him - in 17 years of marriage this was the most extreme.

He is not good in stressful situations. But what he finds stressful is very minor stuff that I would let go. And it's getting worse as he gets older. I'm getting fed up with it. But I think going straight to divorce might be an over reaction on my part.

You are lying to yourself. Throwing a ladder, punching the air and swearing at you are ALL violent behaviours. Physical and emotional violence.

sorry @Aquamarine1029 I edited my post to add some context.

I am listening.

You are playing with fire. He was quick enough to know he had overstepped the mark and he had clearly given himself permission to do it. These genies do not often go back in the box and you are downplaying it.

He was quick to smooth you over and you were quick to accept it. I don't think that's good

He knows I haven't accepted it. The atmosphere is frosty.

It's abusive. If you don't want to accept that fair enough. Next time it will be worse

he threw a stepladder down without looking where I was and it could have hit me - so he ended up sort of punching the air in frustration in front of me and swearing at me to get out.

Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you. This may present in romantic relationships as threats, insults, constant monitoring, excessive jealousy, manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, and dismissiveness, among others. Sometimes emotional abuse is more obvious, like a partner yelling at you or calling you names. Other times it can be more subtle, like your partner acting jealous of your friends or not wanting you to hang out with someone of another gender. While these emotionally abusive behaviors do not leave physical marks, they do hurt, disempower, and traumatize the partner who is experiencing the abuse.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse/

Stop minimising it please. Read up about it at the very least.

My husband is similar. He's got worse as he has got older. He becomes enraged over ridiculous things now, no idea why. It's random and makes me feel differently towards him if I'm honest. It's as if his filter has gone and his tolerance level eroded and in the moment he flips.
Your husband was obviously upset that he'd behaved like that and immediately apologised. If it happens more and more maybe a GP visit would be advisable to safeguard you both..his blood pressure and your tolerance.

You know, I don't think he has any concept of how his actions might affect me or anyone else. That is probably more of the issue and has been a long running one over the years. It's an issue at work too.

@neilyoungismyhero yes, that's more it. He's got a long running chronic condition, allergies, that effects his mood and gets worse this time of year. And I've frankly lost patience with.

But he has had periods of very serious medicated depression in the past which manifested itself similarly to this.

We need to talk but I need to be in the mood to be firm but sympathetic to the fact I think he's in a bad place, but he can't take it out on me.

Rather than the mood I am in at the moment which is completely unsympathetic and bloody furious.

I’m wondering if you both should try and unpick what might at the root of his increasing stressy-ness? Is there something going on at work that he is worried about that he has not told you about? Or might it be health-related.. is he getting very poor quality sleep for example? (This may be due to a number of things, some medical, some lifestyle related, but needs sorting as is very bad health wise in the long run). If you have a Fitbit (or similar) you can get it to track sleep, and you can get some general pointers about what is going on overnight. Obviously there may be other things going on, all in the mix, but might be a good place to start to look at work pressures and sleep. Good luck.

Just seen your latest message - yes, chronic health problems and depression sound like they are also having an effect. And can both affect sleep. Sounds like he needs to speak to his medical professionals about all of these things.

Another woman minimising her partners behaviour.
Yes if someone throws a step ladder and doesn't care where it goes, you could have been badly hurt.

I think you already mentioned that he doesn't deal with stressful moments very well, so you've been putting up with this for a while.
And it means you have to go off or do other things as a way to deal with it.
It should be him doing that.

Yes my mum was like that and what difference does it make, my father still did exactly what he wanted the next time around too.

I think you are very wise and know your husband very well.

I agree that when you can tackle the outburst in a calm and rational way, it will be a good idea to do so. Maybe wait for the weekend when you can go out together, even if just for a walk or quick drink. If you’re in a public place it might stop him being too defensive and loud if he kicks off? He might appreciate s change of scene and an opportunity to have a proper conversation about what might be troubling him?

Would he be open to stress management therapy. Do you think he realises he’s out of order and will want to learn management techniques?

At the end of the day it comes down to how much you will put up with and for how long before you phone a solicitor.

He needs some kind of intervention or therapy. And you need to stay well clear til he’s able to control himself.

You said a step ladder which are large and very heavy and could kill someone when thrown from a height.

You are minimising on here, and I suspect you posted because you know this is a very unhealthy potentially dangerous situation for you.