Stressed husband - was this over the top

[BarrelOfOtters]

Last night we were both really tired and had to fix something fiddly and broken before we could go to bed.

DH was really stressed and over the top. He's not practical and was frankly being over dramatic over something if we'd just done it calmly would have been fine. I was annoyed with him and didn't communicate well and he threw a stepladder down without looking where I was and it could have hit me - so he ended up sort of punching the air in frustration in front of me and swearing at me to get out.

So I did. I made up the bed in the spare room and he came in and apologised so I slept in our room.

We've been married 15 years, are in our 50s. Generally get on OK. But he is a total stress monkey at times and can just behave almost irrationally.

Anyway I'm not sure whether to say anything when I get home tonight.

Hi OP, I usually don’t bother with the relationship board but this sounded quite familiar. Both my mother and sister used to act like your husband in the situation described, but my mother changed a lot once a major stress factor was removed for her.
My sister has no awareness when she is in a mood like this though, and I usually just ignored her until she had calmed down. She realises that her behaviour was out of order after an outburst like this though, but is sadly unwilling to tackle this via therapy.

I think you need to address what happened, but not a confrontational way. He might not remember his behaviour the way you did, or he might try to forget it because he is now ashamed. That doesn’t make it ok though and he needs to find a way to reduce the stress or to find coping mechanisms that help him control himself when it gets too much. You can help by trying to deflate the situation once you realise where this is heading.

From your OP it sounds like you were both aware that the stress and frustration levels were reaching a climax point, so maybe you can avoid this next time around because he might not realise.

Be aware that many people on this board are quick to judge any bad behaviour as abuse without knowing the full picture, so don’t take things personally.

@Polishedshoesalways
These step ladders aren't large and heavy, they are 3 steps high and made of aluminium. I could drop them on my foot and hardly notice.

You are not zoning out but disassociating. That is a stress reaction because your body is reacting to danger.

So why bother to post?! It’s just a light stepladder that he is throwing around what’s the big deal? Too bad if it smashes your teeth out or you lose an eye. At least you have another one, at least until the next time…

@Coshei thank you. That is what this is about I think - he has an extreme reaction to small things at times and while sometimes he manages that well, this isn't one of those times. I was also knackered and not picking up on signals. That's signals anyone can get in a couple that it's just better to leave someone to it sometimes.

He's better when he can get out and do some heart raising exercise and when he's not tired. Aren't we all?

But he needs to manage it better yes. And I don't think he's realised that his stress levels are rising again.

(I can see from some of the responses that there are some reactions to behaviours on the relationship board that are triggering. Sorry for that).

It is absolutely amazing how many pp's are minimising this man's abuse and violence. It's no fucking wonder so many women put up with this bullshit, other women are helping her to defend and excuse her husband's behaviour. Nothing excuses what he did, and isn't it interesting how the op's husband is just like dear old dad. What a remarkable coincidence.

Yes but what difference does that make? He did smooth you over. You got right back in the bedroom the same night. Consider that one

It's not about a light or small object It's about him throwing it with no concern about where it will land knowing you were close by.

It's not about him not actually hitting you but about the hitting action right in front of your face.

It's not about him shouting/swearing at the job going wrong but about him directing his vocal displeasure directly at you.

Why is it always you that has to walk away instead of him managing his stress better, either by medication or counselling, or shock horror, him walking away?

Why is it always you that has to walk away instead of him managing his stress better, either by medication or counselling, or shock horror, him walking away?

The point I think I have badly made is that he seems to be managing particularly badly at the moment. And I'm wondering if he needs to get himself some more support and how to broach that. Broaching it while I'm hopping mad at him probably wouldn't have been the best option.

I think I'll find a point this weekend when we are out somewhere walking the dog and check in with him how he is and how is mental health is. My point will be that I'm not going to be the one who always has to walk away from it and that I was shocked by his behaviour and am not going to accept it.

You have already accepted it!