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Original poster

Married man tried to kiss me

48 replies

Amby89 · 03/04/2024 22:23

Advice please. I’m single and a male married friend who I’ve been friends with for years now randomly planted an intense peck on the lips when saying goodbye to me on a group get together at new year this year. Other people saw and were shocked - not his wife. This was laughed off and all was fine. The next time we all went out he came out but his wife did not. A few of us shared a taxi home and me and him did the last couple of stops together. When he was to due to get out he turned to me for a kiss and asked several times before accepting my no. We’ve always got on extremely well but nothing was dodgy until recently. I know feel strange and conflicted. There are things about him I like a lot and I admit if he was single I think there’s a chance something could happen with us. I would never act on anything as he’s married and even feel uncomfortable about his actions. I’ve said I want distance between us and honestly, would rather not see him again due to all the mixed feelings and anxiety it’s causing me. He’s acting like I’m being dramatic and now being a problem in terms of the friendship group we’re all in - including his wife! I thought I was doing the right thing but am I overreacting?

OP posts:
HateMyNewJobSoMuch · 03/04/2024 22:26

What an awful man.

Avoid being in a position where you are alone with him ever again in future - he clearly has no understanding of boundaries.

Are you friendly with his wife? Would you be comfortable raising this with her? If he was my husband I'd want to know!

ru53 · 03/04/2024 22:31

Definitely not overreacting! I think that’s the friendship over - I would say don’t see him again but it’s difficult if you’re in a shared friendship group. I would definitely avoid any situations where you’re likely to be alone with him he sounds pushy. I actually wouldn’t bother raising it with his wife purely because of her reaction to the first incident. She will probably side with him.

Malo05 · 03/04/2024 22:41

As a single female in a similar situation to you, I got the blame. Its easier to blame a single woman to be so cock hungry we'll crack on to anything in trousers! No comeuppance for the creepy letch who can't keep their hands or lips to themselves.

FrancisSeaton · 03/04/2024 23:02

Does his wife know what he's like? Maybe you should tell her

Berlinlover · 03/04/2024 23:12

Malo05 · 03/04/2024 22:41

As a single female in a similar situation to you, I got the blame. Its easier to blame a single woman to be so cock hungry we'll crack on to anything in trousers! No comeuppance for the creepy letch who can't keep their hands or lips to themselves.

The same thing happened to me, infuriating isn’t it?

commonsense12 · 03/04/2024 23:24

Amby89 · 03/04/2024 22:23

Advice please. I’m single and a male married friend who I’ve been friends with for years now randomly planted an intense peck on the lips when saying goodbye to me on a group get together at new year this year. Other people saw and were shocked - not his wife. This was laughed off and all was fine. The next time we all went out he came out but his wife did not. A few of us shared a taxi home and me and him did the last couple of stops together. When he was to due to get out he turned to me for a kiss and asked several times before accepting my no. We’ve always got on extremely well but nothing was dodgy until recently. I know feel strange and conflicted. There are things about him I like a lot and I admit if he was single I think there’s a chance something could happen with us. I would never act on anything as he’s married and even feel uncomfortable about his actions. I’ve said I want distance between us and honestly, would rather not see him again due to all the mixed feelings and anxiety it’s causing me. He’s acting like I’m being dramatic and now being a problem in terms of the friendship group we’re all in - including his wife! I thought I was doing the right thing but am I overreacting?

I'd say be selfish for a second. The socially acceptable thing to do is to cut it off, but that's boring. You are single, and he doesn't want to be with his wife. Or does he? Try to gain clarity about the situation from him so you don't deny yourself future happiness.

If your friends aren't willing to understand, then they aren't your friends.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/04/2024 23:32

WTF are you talking about, @commonsense12? You sound either drunk or insane.

commonsense12 · 03/04/2024 23:42

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/04/2024 23:32

WTF are you talking about, @commonsense12? You sound either drunk or insane.

no im just determined to make this work

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2024 23:46

He's a creep.

You're certainly not overreacting. He distespects his wife and trampled all over your boundaries.
He's not a nice person.

You are doing the right thing.
I wouldn't say to the wife unless she asked. In which case I'd say 'your husband keeps trying to kiss me, he's a creep, sorry to be the barer of bad news. But that's why I've told him to stay away from me'.

She might believe you, she might not. If she doesn't: 'I don't care. But you asked and that's why'. You could also forward any messages from him that confirms it.

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2024 23:47

commonsense12 · 03/04/2024 23:42

no im just determined to make this work

Show quote history

Oh honey no, we don't make anything work with men who don't take 'no' for an answer the very first time they are told it.

Opentooffers · 04/04/2024 00:00

You have done nothing wrong and do not deserve to miss out on meetups with friends. If he's there, give him a wide birth, share a taxi with other friends or get your own. Dot wish him single so you could try, as he has just shown you that like his wife is, you'd be stuck with a sleaze, not a nice guy, and not good enough.

Looolaa · 04/04/2024 00:01

Malo05 · 03/04/2024 22:41

As a single female in a similar situation to you, I got the blame. Its easier to blame a single woman to be so cock hungry we'll crack on to anything in trousers! No comeuppance for the creepy letch who can't keep their hands or lips to themselves.

yes. single women are so often the target of blame in these situations. It’s very unfortunate. And they’re regarded with suspicion to begin with which is funny as many affair partners are both in relationships.

Op you’re not being dramatic. I feel really bad for you actually, I’d be gutted if my best male friend did that . He is married and a real gem. His wife is lovely and I get to spend time with them all. If a male friend does something like that, they are saying they don’t mind ruining your friendship for some cheap flirting or casual encounters (because let’s face it in most cases men have no intention of leaving their wives).

This male “friend” and anyone else who is trying to gaslight you that his behaviour was OK is not worth maintaining a relationship with. They don’t value or respect you and sadly they may even be thinking you should be grateful for his attentions!

Looolaa · 04/04/2024 00:03

When he was to due to get out he turned to me for a kiss and asked several times before accepting my no.

Even if he wasn’t a friend or married this behaviour is gross. Does he not understand consent? I feel bad for his wife too. I wonder if she knows how creepy he is?

RandomForest · 04/04/2024 00:28

^I’ve said I want distance between us and honestly, would rather not see
him again due to all the mixed feelings and anxiety it’s causing me.^

This is the innapropriate bit, you have been drawn into a private dialogue with this man, explaining why it's causing you to have mixed feelings.

He's seeing this as a green light to steam ahead.

Your boundaries arn't strong enough.

ThisJoyousTaupeCat · 04/04/2024 06:58

What a creep! I would message his wife of what happened and he will hopefully be the one made to distance from the friendship than you particularly as others saw. If it ends up breaking up the friendship group by people taking sides, oh well! You were going to pull back anyway. He might well have done this other women in the group. Don't go away quietly, expose the creep to his wife.

haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain · 04/04/2024 07:00

When he was to due to get out he turned to me for a kiss and asked several times before accepting my no. how tedious of him. I'd say look mate I'm not interested don't ignore me when I say no.

Happyboom · 04/04/2024 07:07

I've been in this situation and the friendship group has survived. However, it was very much a one off, the man stopped imeadiately I said no and was contrite afterwards. Now, maybe he didn't mean it and underneath he's just as bad as your man, but he enabled a situation where we can carry on as normal and pretend it never happened.

I'm afraid your only option is to distance yourself. Is there a woman in the group you could confide in about why you need to step back from him?

SnapdragonToadflax · 04/04/2024 07:10

Ugh. Well hopefully any feelings you might have had for him have evaporated, given he didn't take no for an answer and he's trying to cheat on his wife. He'd do the same to you.

Avoid being alone with him. Don't tell his wife, you'll get the blame. Blank this bloke as much as possible if you're out as a group - polite but distant and uninterested. If he tries it on again, get angry and make a fuss.

Similar happened to me years ago, and the group did survive. I had close girlfriends in the group so talked to them about it, and over the course of time he tried it on with them too. Horrible creep. Thankfully he's not around anymore.

Happyboom · 04/04/2024 07:10

Also, another trap I sometimes fall into, as a single woman among couples, is to "fall for" any attention a man shows me.

Why on earth do you have "mixed feelings" about him? He's shown you he's an awful man and uet you're taling to him as if the two of you are actually a possibility.

Dery · 04/04/2024 07:15

This guy’s a creep. He seems to imagine he has some entitlement to kiss you - irrespective of his obligations to his wife and of your feelings. Don’t be alone with him in taxis or otherwise. Give him a wide berth.

babaisyou · 04/04/2024 07:18

You're not overreacting but he is overstepping massively. I would be uncomfortable too and would have to speak to him directly about it.

Does he not recognise that it's generally not OK to kiss other women when you're married?? What does he say about it when you challenge him?

Guavafish1 · 04/04/2024 07:18

Disgusting man.

Tell him again, if he tries to sexual assault you again, you'll tell him wife and the police.

Happyboom · 04/04/2024 07:21

babaisyou · 04/04/2024 07:18

You're not overreacting but he is overstepping massively. I would be uncomfortable too and would have to speak to him directly about it.

Does he not recognise that it's generally not OK to kiss other women when you're married?? What does he say about it when you challenge him?

I don't think OP should have any more conversations with him. She's already admitting mixed feelings, the last thing she needs is a heart to heart with him, where he can convince her that he's a good man really but also suffering from these terrible mixed feelings, they just need to be discreet and no one will get hurt...

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2024 07:28

Sadly, I've been here a few times. It's amazing how bold some men will be!

You deal with it at the time by turning it immediately on to them with a, "What the fuck are you doing?"

Make it clear from the very start that their advances are completely unwelcome.

When he was to due to get out he turned to me for a kiss and asked several times before accepting my no.

Men will generally not push if it's an assertive no because then you might be 'the sort of woman' who will tell his wife/make it publiclyknown.

If you are a bit flattered and flirty back (which, from your op it sounds like you are with all the talk of mixed feelings and how, if you were both single you can see something happening), you are essentially colluding with him - I'm saying no, but I might be able to he persuaded...

Don't he flattered if a married man tries to kiss you. Be offended. He's looked at you and judged you to have poor boundaries, poor morals, a lack of self respect.

babaisyou · 04/04/2024 07:32

Happyboom · 04/04/2024 07:21

I don't think OP should have any more conversations with him. She's already admitting mixed feelings, the last thing she needs is a heart to heart with him, where he can convince her that he's a good man really but also suffering from these terrible mixed feelings, they just need to be discreet and no one will get hurt...

Show quote history

I get what you're saying but I disagree.

I think in situations like this it's important to challenge him and then actively close the door on the thing for them both.