Married man tried to kiss me

[Amby89]

Advice please. I’m single and a male married friend who I’ve been friends with for years now randomly planted an intense peck on the lips when saying goodbye to me on a group get together at new year this year. Other people saw and were shocked - not his wife. This was laughed off and all was fine. The next time we all went out he came out but his wife did not. A few of us shared a taxi home and me and him did the last couple of stops together. When he was to due to get out he turned to me for a kiss and asked several times before accepting my no. We’ve always got on extremely well but nothing was dodgy until recently. I know feel strange and conflicted. There are things about him I like a lot and I admit if he was single I think there’s a chance something could happen with us. I would never act on anything as he’s married and even feel uncomfortable about his actions. I’ve said I want distance between us and honestly, would rather not see him again due to all the mixed feelings and anxiety it’s causing me. He’s acting like I’m being dramatic and now being a problem in terms of the friendship group we’re all in - including his wife! I thought I was doing the right thing but am I overreacting?

Yes, but OP isn't in a position to do this with her mixed feelings. She's already told him no.

I think the problem is that she has already admitted to having mixed feelings.

She's already signalled to him that he probably just needs to try a bit harder.

And given the content of her op, that might well be true.

Don't be ridiculous, of course she is in a position to do it.

She can recognise her feelings but still assert boundaries and close the door on it.

I would be deeply offended if a married man tried to kiss me, I wouldn't just be sitting there going 'oh well, he's kinda hot, I don't know quite how I feel' - what wishy washy nonsense.

Put him in his place and end the possibility of anything else happening, for both people's sakes.

Except that up to now she hasn't done. She's talking as if she's not sure what to do, as if she thinks (hopes, even on a subconscious level) there's a future for them and if that seed is there, talking to him "properly" will only make it worse.

Distance is the only thing that will save her, sadly I speak from experience.

Yes, this is it. If she can tell him to fuck off and mean it, of course that's what she should do. But she doesn't.

I think 90% of women could 'speak from experience' on this one.

It's exactly because OP has mixed feelings that she needs to actively close the book by being assertive, outwardly challenging him on the kiss, telling him in no uncertain terms that this is not going anywhere, and then (obviously) distance herself.

They need an 'ending' to this, otherwise they will likely bounce back to each other in a few months' time.

I don't disagree that's what she should do. I just doubt it's possible for her, once they start with the heart to hear that will inevitably ensue.

Well if she doesn't mean it then it makes no difference whether she talks to him directly or not. They are in each other's lives through mutual friends.

OP needs to make an active decision within herself about whether this is going anywhere.

And then own and assert that decision, whatever it is.

Christ op, don’t go there. He is married and it’s a safe bet that his wife has no idea he is trying it on with you. That makes him selfish, entitled, disloyal and a liar.
He is obviously also thick as mince, because you know his wife, he is literally shitting in his own door step. Are they REALLY the character traits you want in a future partner if it went that far? Do you want to be someone’s bit on the side?

Personally, I would tell him if he ever came near me again, I’d rip his head off because this type of sordid, seedy shite gives me the rage. I have no desire to be some sad bastards cheap thrill or ego boost and I always make that quite clear. As should you or this will all blow up in your face, because if his wife finds out she will more than likely blame you, as will your friendship group. That’s unfair, but I’ve seen it happen, time and time again. You’ve done nothing wrong - yet. Stop this now and avoid this human turd.

Yes and imo her "active decision" needs to be to stay well away, not create more opportunity for them to become close and end up developing a you and me against the world situation.

I agree with this.

The OP has shown her weakness to him already - her mixed feelings and anxiety. She's said she thinks there could be something between them if they were both single.

The power dynamic has already been established and he's circling his prey.

OP, kindly, he's singled you out as being 'most likely to succeed with'
I have no doubt you are lovely and attractive and magnetic to him.. But as others have said, he wouldn't be wasting his time if he thinks you would shut him down immediately..and he's sort of right.
As you already thinking you may be in a relationship with him if things were different?

But he's a sleaze who will try it on with any one else who joins the group in the future? Just rebuff him firmly, stick around and I can guarantee you can sit back and see it play out.
He wants to wet his Dick with an affair.

The 'demanding a kiss' is so creepy and reminds me of growing up in the '70's.. 🤢

I think you like him and have mentionitis.

You shouldn't even be having these conversations with him, it's already gone too far, he's pushing and you've allowed it.

Poor wife.

Of course he's going to pretend you're being dramatic and shame you for having putting in a boundary - how else is he going to keep pushing to get laid?

Don't be suckered by that tired stereotypical bullshit. It's very disrespectful, minimising his behaviour and making out that you're the one at fault.

Honestly I think you should feel irritated by him, not questioning yourself.

And I wouldn't rate him as a prospect even if you are attracted, even if he was single, because he's shown you he'll choose to gaslight you rather than be honest about his own behaviour.

in the Sixties we had stilletoes and before that, ladies had hatpins

Exactly.

We didn't have faux offensive posts, with stealth boasting.

i would be telling his wife

In the 90s we had DM boots.

And we're also equipped with knees that is handy when making contact with their groin.

yes! and gobby ‘girl power’

I can understand you were confused and in shock about what HE DID.
You can text him back and say I've had a chance to think about what you did and it is totally out of order. Do anything like that again and I will tell your wife.

Also tell one of the women friends what you have done, preferably one that saw him kiss you ) and consider the matter closed.

There is a decent men out there for you but this creepy chancer is not he. He's gone for you as he sniffed you are vulnerable.
With respect, Toughen up. Xxx

Yes I'm afraid after the age of 12 it's rare to just force someone to kiss you to show them you like them.

If he thought you were amazing he wouldn't be just trying to jump your bones.
He's interested in a shag or setting you up as his side-chick. The fact he was so bold as to launch himself at you in front of ours & then you find yourself in a cab alone with him means you need to get a bit tougher at telling him to fuck off.

If he thought you were amazing he wouldn't be just trying to jump your bones.

This. sadly he has little respect for you. I’d honestly cry if any of my male friends did this, especially one I’d known for a long time. Apart from revealing themselves to be disgusting it would suggest they thought I was weak, desperate and lacking integrity and character.

But it’s not a reflection on you - in my 20s I had a couple of male friends with partners who tried it and I ended the friendship because evidently they didn’t value it or me. It was their loss!

Not sure if @Amby89 is coming back but the last thing I’ll say is good luck with addressing this situation - just remember this man isn’t acting like a decent friend who cares about your well being.