ExDh wants to send money to DS

[Elledeco]

I divorced DH nearly 5 years ago. He hasn't seen the dc since 2019. No contact, nothing. He was verbally abusive , hugely paranoid and had become addicted to cannabis.
The last time he saw DS he was 8, and he said awful, scary things about me that left DS frightened and confused, so I stopped taking him and ex stopped bothering. DS is now 13 and never, ever asks after ex.
Infact, after 5 years it's like he's forgotten him.
As a single parent in a cost of living crisis I'm struggling, despite working full-time.
So I reached out to the CMS and they contacted ex. He was asked to pay a pitiful amount, but its better than nothing after paying NOTHING for 5 years.
That was January and to date I've received nothing. So I reported him .
Tonight, he's transfered me the whole years amount and asked for DS bank details so he can start paying him directly.
I dont know what to do?
I need money, I have 3 dc with ex, 2 of which are young adults so he won't give them money. I don't want to open the door to him after 5 years no contact, but I am struggling massively.
Any thoughts?

Go through CMS. Your son is 13. He doesn’t need to be paid directly while you are still paying for the majority of his living expenses. When your son moves out he can pay him directly then.

Though do say to your ex that if he wanted to give an allowance to his kids in addition to CM then you’re sure it would be most appreciated.

The money isn’t owed to your son, it’s owed to you. So that’s not an option.

does the transfer say a name when he initiates it? If not, I’d be tempted to open a new account under myself and give XH those details and say it’s DS’s account.

He doesn't need your sons bank details because your son doesnt pay for his own living expenses

I would insist on persuing the CMS route personally, specifically so you dont have to deal with your ex directly

I can't go through CMS now as he's given me the whole years amount in one go.
For context though it's not a lot, it's less than 500 pounds !

He would obviously like to give money to DS specifically, like an allowance I guess, as a PP suggested.
Should I accept this ?
I want to, I've been on my knees financially these past 5 years

Ask CMS for collect and pay.

It needs to go into your account, not ds.

There's nothing for CMS to chase, he's given me it all.

ask your son what does he think - if he says he doesn't want contact with his dad then it's a case closed

then again the least the deadbeat could do is give your son some money

DS won't want contact but he isn't offering contact, just money.
God I'm torn.
I work all the hours I can and I'm supporting my Eldest through university. Anything at all would help.

CMS don't include overpayments. So you could chase for the regular amount. And take the £500 as an iou for the years he's not paid anything.

Well if he’d not made contact you would have managed somehow. It’s not worth having an abusive person do this because you need the money. Go through CMS for future monthly payments.

Open an account in your son's name that you hold the details of. You can then use any money he puts into it in your son's best interests.

Set up an account for ds but in your name until he’s 18 and the money goes in there. Then, use the money going forward for things ds wants - activities, clothes, driving lessons when he gets there etc.

he bloody owes you and your son that money, so take it

If there is any money owed, CMS will sort it.

He can pay money to your DS it doesn't make him exempt from giving you CMS in the future.

I don't understand why you would say "no"? Just let him send money

Because she needs the money for electricity bills and school trousers. If the ex gives it to the child rather than the OP then she won't have the money and she actually needs it.

But this money isn't for your living expenses? It's to be spent on your son.

But this money isn't for your living expenses? It's to be spent on your son.

On his living expenses though. On his food and to heat the water for his showers. And for his hobbies and all that stuff. Child maintenance isn't pocket money for the child.

You are better off sending the details than no money at all. He had an issue and will do anything possible to not send it ,trust me In this country it's unlike US, he won't face much consequences from it.

£500? Surely your son can use it to pay for his phone contract, hobbies, clothes etc that otherwise you would have to fund

Well yes, but that's it. The first payment in 5 years. It's actually less than 500 pounds. CMS decided he only had to pay me 30.50 a MONTH if you must know.
So he's given me the whole lot in one go.
Big whoop.....

It’s perfectly fine to use it towards household expenses. Child support isn’t for toys. I advocate keeping it via CMS because he’s unreliable and as you do need the money, you’ll be expecting it and he might let you down again - possible manipulation/control tactic.

As far as I know, CMS don't care if you overpay. So I'd have thought they would view it as an overpayment one month but still expect him to pay regular amount other months? Have you asked them?