Ex partner still trying to control me after 13 years

[Thyra123]

I am so sick of my ex partners behaviour.

We split up 13 years ago when our son was a year old. I helped raise his other two sons who are now in their twenties.

We had a fairly large age gap and I was quite naive and young when we met.

A lot of water has gone under the bridge since we split up, we were on and off for a while before I decided I couldn’t live with him anymore. He could be quite spiteful, unpredictable and said really nasty things to me, for instance the first time our son walked I was so excited (of course) and he scowled at me from behind his computer and mocked me saying ‘you’d think you’d never seen a baby walk before.’

Hes made my life a misery since we split in a myriad of different ways, being absolutely bloody minded and trying to sabotage the relationship I’ve had since. We attended mediation but he is so condescending and impossible to reason with that I left in tears. He’s so creepy that he followed me to my car and was trying to comfort me, rubbing my bare legs as I tried to push him away and drive away.

The worst though is the way he has tried to manipulate the children all these years. He’s the perpetual victim and ‘she kicked me out on a cold winters night with nothing …’ is a folk tale he’s continually told the kids. The older two take no notice and laugh at him, have no respect for him in general but do pity him. He’s always tried to get our son to lie on his behalf tho and emotionally manipulate him in many ways.

Hes always told me that ‘I will always love you and there’s nothing you can do about that.’ In a somewhat aggressive, bullying way. We do occasionally go places with all the kids, like attend football games etc and he’s always staring at me which makes me feel ill.

Recently he came to our house to see our son, and I popped out, and he was snooping around my bedroom! And then asked my son to lie to me about this!!

The middle son is in his twenties and has split up with his partner recently and tried to get some support from his dad, but all his dad wanted to talk about was our break up! He even asked him whether he thought I would ever get back with him or not!? He has asked all the kids this many many times over the last 13 years, and has been told by them (and myself and my family) that it wouldn’t happen in a million years.

I am absolute sick of him thinking we might get back together. He always says ‘never say never though’ and ‘you never know what’s round the corner’ even tho I wouldn’t touch him if he was the last man on this planet. Things are pretty tough for me in many ways at the moment and we also live hundreds of miles away from my ex, so how on earth he thinks we could even get back together is beyond me!Considering things would be so much easier practically speaking for me to get back with him and I still don’t, why he can’t get the hint is just ridiculous!

Any advice about what else I can do??

Block him on your phone. Do not allow him inside your home. You live hundreds of miles away and he has no need to have any contact with you at all.

Your DS is 13, he can contact his dad without needing your involvement. Have an emergency email address JUST for your ex and tell him that if he needs to contact you for any reason about your DS then he can email and you will respond when it is convenient to you - and then only check it once a week or whatever works for you.

I would so love to do this but the kids would all be gutted. I try and get on with him and be civil so we can all speak. My son is going through a lot at the moment and for me to block his dad would devastate him.

Your boundaries seem weak, it’s all happening to you, you give the impression of being passive and intimidated.
You went to mediation, whose idea was that? Yours to save the relationship, or his to prolong it? If so, why did you agree?
What was your reaction to the bedroom incursion? What was your reaction to the leg rubbing? Some man I detest rubs my legs in public I’m yelling blue murder.
His control is what you give him. Draw a hard line and take it back.

He’s shown you that he can’t be civil though. A 13 year old is old enough to understand why abusive adults must be blocked and you’d be demonstrating healthy boundaries to your son at a very impressionable age.

so what are you teaching these boys about how to treat women and relationships in general? That entitled men can have their own way? You need to disengage from ex fully and tell the children, that it's time everyone moved on. This is not a healthy way to live. Show and tell your dc what healthy relationships and boundaries look like. They're all of an age where are capable of understanding that you have needs too, and their wants don't come before your needs.

Two twenty something stepsons are old enough to understand their father is your ex of 13 years and you have no reason to tolerate his controlling behaviour simply because they will 'be gutted' if you don't. Tough shit, boys.

Same with DS 13. As pp said - demonstrate some boundaries! He is at the perfect age to learn when people behave abusively towards you then you do not have to tolerate it, you do not have to let them, and you certainly don't have to keep them in your lives. Particularly when they are an EX-partner. Your son can keep contact with his father if he chooses to.

You do not have to.

The mediation was my idea so that we could get contact agreements in place so he’d stop messing me about.
The bedroom incursion- he asked my son to lie to me and not tell me about it. My son didn’t lie, but I can’t tell my ex I know about it because that’s betraying my son’s trust. He won’t be allowed back in my house again without me here. My son has severe OCD and struggles to leave our house, he has complex needs and wants to see his dad but can’t go elsewhere to see him. The flight/fight response also has elements of freeze and fawn. I froze when he touched my legs. I was already in a state and I just wanted to get away. It’s not great to judge someone who was being touched against their will, just because you would shutout and scream, doesn’t mean everyone would.
ill admit im scared of him, scared of what he will behave like in front of our son. My son has gone through stages where he doesn’t want to see him, but at the moment he does want to. And I don’t want to jeopardise that as my son will likely blame me.

Jeez- you need to set some boundaries and mean them. Starting with he never comes in your house again. You have to make the changes.

I think you need to do the freedom programme, some self esteem work and some therapy as you are still be abused.

you need to be able to set boundaries and keep to them. He still believes that you will go back and uses this against you- he’s even weaponising the children as well.

grey rock him. If it’s about your son keep it just as that no hope your ok etc just literally facts. Nothing that can be argued

I can only +1 this.

I can see OP getting defensive to comments here. Good! Very worth learning (teaching yourself with outside support) how to direct that response to the person causing the problems, the ex.

And you aren’t betraying your son when you keep quiet about the bedroom, you’re keeping the ex’s secret for him which shows him and your son that he is still in control.

"We do occasionally go places with all the kids, like attend football games etc and he’s always staring at me which makes me feel ill."

So why do you go to football games etc with him then?

"Recently he came to our house to see our son, and I popped out, and he was snooping around my bedroom!"

Why did you leave him in your house on his own?

"I am absolute sick of him thinking we might get back together. Considering things would be so much easier practically speaking for me to get back with him and I still don’t, why he can’t get the hint is just ridiculous!"

Get the hint?!?! Why are you "hinting"?! You're obviously leading him on to some degree if it's been 13 years and he still thinks you're getting back together! As another poster has said, your boundaries are very weak and if you detest the man this much, why are you going to football games with him or letting him into your house?! You haven't been a couple in over a decade FFS. Very weird all round.

Bit of victim blaming going on here which I don't think is very helpful.

Not easy to suddenly have healthy boundaries when you never have before - I think doing the Freedom programme is a great place to start.

As PPs have said, blocking him on all but one channel (an email address you only use for that specific purpose) shows your son that you CAN be contacted if necessary but that you won't tolerate abuse. It's a good lesson for your DS to learn.

It's kind of pathetic in a way, his behaviour. While trying to control you, he's shown that actually he is dependent on you. He needs your validation, attention and unease. He needs you, and you don't need him. You can take some power from that.

It sounds like he knows it upsets you and does it on purpose to get a reaction. I would say ignore him but given the length of time this has gone on, I suspect you can’t and that reaction is what he wants.

You can block him. The older children are adults who can see you independently and your child doesn’t need to do anything with the two of you.

I'm afraid this is just no good and regardless of what anyone things you must block him. This is beyond creepy.
Yu need to explain to your DS that you are actually being stalked which is against the law and you need to protect yourself.
I'd have gone to the police by now - he sounds seriously disturnbed and disturbed men can be dangerous.
What example are you giving to your DS by putting up with this. He will grow up thinking women will do what you want if you bully them enough.

P.S I blocked my mad ex husband many years ago and he finally got the message and moved on.

Boundaries!

I have DC’s with my ex. We live 45 minutes away from each other.

I chose to move to create a boundary. ( and it suited my career)
I blocked my ex’s mobile number ( what a relief)
For an emergency he has been told to use the house number (caller ID and answer phone in place so that I can decide when I want his contact -TBF he has only used it once)
Anything more formal is written ( posted, going back, but now emailed to an account only he uses)
He has NEVER been invited into my home - that would feel like a violation. He waited in the car to pick up DC’s
I have never visited even the outside of his home
DC’s, once older (13) had their own phones and developed their own contact with him
I have not seen him or had very much contact with him ( school leaving choices mainly) since DC’s became teens.

You need to take control and lessen the drama.
You need to show your DC’s that you will not be disrespected.
You need to model to your DC’s - good boundaries, responsibility and accountability in relationships.

Adding - DC’s have maintained good relationships with us both and have developed the skills and understanding to manage what can be quite a controlling DF. They love him, but they know exactly what he’s like!

You need better boundaries - and I know its easy for me to say as I am not in your position BUT you really do.
This man viewed you as a possession and still does, if nothing else its not modelling appropriate behaviour for your sons.
You dont need to go to events with him and he doesnt need to be in your house. Its not for you to facilitate a relationship for him with any of his kids, even the youngest one is old enough to do that without you

You are not jeopardising your son’s contact with him if you avoid all contact with your ex husband, apart from emails. You are moving forward with clear boundaries and supporting your son to have access in a neutral safe place, as he chooses. Would your 13 year old son feel safe to visit a family friendly restaurant with his brother/s and Dad without you there ? Or to attend football games with his Dad and brothers ?

Your son is old enough to explain to him that him telling you the truth about your ex snooping in your bedroom is responsible and appropriate behaviour and that if his dad has a problem with that, it is his dad's problem, not his.

If you have to have him in the house, you need to create a different boundary. I'd suggest that someone else oversees contact. So a friend or family member is in your house with your ex and your DS while you go out.

Any and every comment from him regarding getting back together is met with a blank stare or a firm, no.

Spend as little time with him as possible. If you do feel obliged to do a family event, do not put up with this shit. if he makes these comments, leave the room, swap seats, do whatever you have to to make it clear you won't put up with it.

Your son clearly has some anxiety and I can't help wondering if his father's shittiness has played a part in that. Is it something you've discussed with whatever mental health support you have?

I go to football games with him as my son is so mentally unwell that it’s very difficult to get him out of the house. Going with both of us is a way to get him out.
Similarly, his dad was staying in my house so I could take the dog for a walk, again related to my son’s mental health.
If these things are leading someone on, all the while telling him explicitly ‘I am only doing this for our son. We’re never getting back together. Not in a million years’ then I am guilty of that.

You aren't guilty of anything other than still being controlled by this awful man so ignore any victim blaming and I fully appreciate that you think the best way to help your son is to allow the ex access to your home etc .
BUT your ex isnt listening to your words, he is fixating on what you allow him to DO not what you SAY (although it sounds like you could be more explicit there too). He wont stop because he doesnt want to and you cant/wont make him.
If your son cant go to football any more that is not on you, its on your ex and his creepy behaviour. Your son is old enough to understand that if his Dad wont stop his behaviour then you cant be around him

What @Hoppinggreen . Also, I am concerned that he's using your DS as a way to control you, which means he's not exactly invested in supporting your DS' mental health or recovery which would worry me. If he's asking your DS to lie when he does inappropriate things, what else is he saying/asking DS to do/say?

While your son is getting support for his recovery from mental illness , would he be happier to leave it for now , and then in time, decide about access with his Dad?

This situation can't be good for your ds mental health. Being asked to lie to one parent by the other then scared of being found out when he doesn't. His dad constantly asking him about his parents relationship. None of that is your fault but has any of this been explored in your son's treatment? Ocd could be an attempt to gain control over everything. Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick.

I think you need to properly separate your lives. The kids are important but so are YOU and showing healthy boundaries. This limbo is unhealthy for everyone.

Gosh this is so difficult. I agree that you are definitely not leading him on, he's a sick individual with a very fixed idea. A healthy man wouldn't spend 13 years pursuing a woman who says she doesn't want to be with him.

Does your youngest son get anything out of seeing his dad? Could it be that part of his poor mental health is due to his dad's sick behaviour?