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Original poster

Can Abusive People Change?

50 replies

MonkeyTennis34 · 02/04/2024 18:37

A friend confided in me yesterday that her BF of about 5 years has been verbally abusive many times, calling her a c**t, an ugly bitch.
She said he has a real temper and has also thrown things at her.

She said they are having time apart. He is apparently desperate to win her back, apologetic, saying he'll get help to change.
I've told her she has to end it permanently.

Am I being cynical or do people like that never change?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 02/04/2024 18:39

It doesn't matter. Nobody with self respect would want to stay with a partner who had previously abused them.

Scarletttulips · 02/04/2024 18:41

They don’t change.

They move on quickly to the next victim like any bully.

Blueeyedmale · 02/04/2024 18:43

They don't change if anything they get worse

Octavia64 · 02/04/2024 18:44

Very very few of them change and it is often only after they have had serious consequences - court, non mol etc.

Pinkbonbon · 02/04/2024 18:45

Not unless they were abusive only due to alcoholism or drugs.

If it's just their personality, no.

Original poster
MonkeyTennis34 · 02/04/2024 18:46

I agree completely but how do I convince her of this?

OP posts:
Hoplittlebunnyhophophopandstop · 02/04/2024 18:46

I read some research which said some abusive men can change but it’s hard work and they need to be very committed to changing but it’s almost impossible to change when staying with a partner they had previously abused.

Original poster
MonkeyTennis34 · 02/04/2024 18:46

Pinkbonbon it's not alcohol or drugs.

OP posts:
mynamechangemyrules · 02/04/2024 18:46

They don't change they just adapt! Please support her to leave before she misguidedly thinks having children may reveal a better side of him (like me 😳)

BertieBotts · 02/04/2024 18:47

Buy her a copy of the book Why Does He Do That.

It includes a guide to how you can tell if they're genuinely changing - it's quite blunt about the fact most don't, though.

Wolfiefan · 02/04/2024 18:47

He said he would change after she said they needed to separate? So he’s not desperate to change. He’s not ashamed of his behaviour and won’t do anything different once he’s got her back.

Watchkeys · 02/04/2024 18:52

MonkeyTennis34 · 02/04/2024 18:46

I agree completely but how do I convince her of this?

You can't. And it's not your job to. All you can do is tell her that help is available and you're there for her, and that she doesn't have to live this way.

Has she heard of Women's Aid?

Pinkbonbon · 02/04/2024 18:54

Hoplittlebunnyhophophopandstop · 02/04/2024 18:46

I read some research which said some abusive men can change but it’s hard work and they need to be very committed to changing but it’s almost impossible to change when staying with a partner they had previously abused.

Abusers don't usually want to change though. Unless, as prior mentioned, they were abusive due to alcohol issues and are now in aa recovery or something.

Evil people don't care that they are evil.

Lundy bankroft worked with abusers to try get them to change. He found that they only used the time to perfect their abuse tactics and how to make them more sneaky/effective. In group sessions they would get bold and share advice on how to better abuse women with eachother.

The fact is, they aren't built the same as normal folk for the most part. The things in normal people...guilt, empathy, compassion...is highly stunted or missing entirely in them. They behave much as young children do because that's where those cognitive functions failed to form. They only care about themselves, their ego and what they can take. So there is no incentive to change.

There's incentive to PRETEND to change...if you escape them. So they can get you, their supply, back. But that's not genuine. Because there's nothing real or genuine about them. They only exist to take.

mynamechangemyrules · 02/04/2024 18:54

MonkeyTennis34 · 02/04/2024 18:46

I agree completely but how do I convince her of this?

My dad said
We will always be here for you if you need us
My friend said
You could leave if you didn't like the way he cleaned his teeth- it doesn't have to meet a certain bar to be 'bad enough'

Both comments really helped

Ilovelurchers · 02/04/2024 18:58

Watchkeys · 02/04/2024 18:39

It doesn't matter. Nobody with self respect would want to stay with a partner who had previously abused them.

Yes of course, it's the woman's fault for having no self respect. Every woman who stays with an abusive man - that's why. No self respect. Asking for it really......

Pinkbonbon · 02/04/2024 18:59

As similar poster said, make sure she knows that her partner doesn't have to be abusive or meet a threshold for 'bad'. If his behaviour makes her sad, that's reason enough to leave him and reason enough to stay away.

'You can leave anyone for any reason. You don't owe them another chance. You owe yourself the chance to be happy. Surround yourself with kind people who treat your right and life will get happier'.

Watchkeys · 02/04/2024 18:59

@Ilovelurchers

It's not the woman's fault, and I didn't say it was. Why would anybody make up that shit?

Scarletttulips · 02/04/2024 19:09

You can’t make her see sense. It takes on average 8 times for the woman to leave when she literally has nothing left, no family, no friends. No self esteem - and usually with several children in tow.

Original poster
MonkeyTennis34 · 02/04/2024 19:23

Watchkeys
Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
MonkeyTennis34 · 02/04/2024 19:42

She knows she has to end it.
Just hope she does sooner rather than later.

OP posts:
Mushroomwalls · 02/04/2024 19:45

It’s not an issue of self respect. Often women don’t want to leave the children to have one on one time with an abusive parent.

dizzydizzydizzy · 02/04/2024 19:51

He won't change, read this:

www.thehotline.org/resources/is-change-possible-in-an-abuser/

Watchkeys · 02/04/2024 20:16

Mushroomwalls · 02/04/2024 19:45

It’s not an issue of self respect. Often women don’t want to leave the children to have one on one time with an abusive parent.

It is an issue of self respect for many. It was for me.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 02/04/2024 20:16

BertieBotts · 02/04/2024 18:47

Buy her a copy of the book Why Does He Do That.

It includes a guide to how you can tell if they're genuinely changing - it's quite blunt about the fact most don't, though.

It’s available online as a pdf, @MonkeyTennis34 you could Google it and send her the link.

This book made me realise 1) I was being abused 2) he wasn’t going to change.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 02/04/2024 20:26

maybe not in this situation, but i do think some people who have abusive tendencies can with maturity and with better coping skills become less or non abusive.
especially if the triggers are situational like financial stress or occur with alcohol or drug use (in this case they would have to stay off drugs/alcohol).
but when i say maturity i don't mean 18 weeks, i mean years of life experience and healthier ways of dealing with stress so 5-35 years.