Can Abusive People Change?

[MonkeyTennis34]

A friend confided in me yesterday that her BF of about 5 years has been verbally abusive many times, calling her a c**t, an ugly bitch.
She said he has a real temper and has also thrown things at her.

She said they are having time apart. He is apparently desperate to win her back, apologetic, saying he'll get help to change.
I've told her she has to end it permanently.

Am I being cynical or do people like that never change?

As someone who was in an abusive relationship, no they can't (unless it's due to addiction). It never gets better, only worse until you leave. They may "change" for a bit, but they'll always go back to their old ways. They just "change" to keep you under their control.

I had an older friend when I was younger. One night, after wed became very close friends after many years, he admitted he'd hit women in the past. The reason he was telling me is that he'd been in and out of therapy for approx 10 years, and it hadn't cured him. He can't have a relationship for this reason, and he was warning me that abusers can't change. I've always remembered that. Look up some facts online and send them to her xx

I know it's online but I do think there's something about having a physical book placed in your hands. I refer to the online version a lot, I link it to people sometimes and if she's seeking information she might go and seek it out, but a link to a PDF is easily forgotten about whereas the book will sit in her house and if she doesn't read it now, she might one day. I gave mine to somebody years ago and seriously considered buying multiple copies just to keep to hand out just in case!!

This isn't really very nice and abusive behaviour absolutely ruins self esteem

I don't think abusive people can change unless they really recognise the issue, accept everything they've done and show insight, feel real remorse for the way they've hurt people, and then work with professionals to change their behaviour and thinking.

It doesn't happen often

No, they don't change.

I'm hoping she does end it for all the reasons stated.

On a very selfish note, if she decides to take him back, how the hell do I behave around him, knowing what he's said and done to her?

He won't change if she continues to tolerate it. Why would he? There are no consequences.

Be there for her. Make it clear you support her whatever happens. Offer her as much practical support as you're able to. Don't make her feel bad for staying with him as she'll only keep his behaviour or the ongoing relationship a secret. And then she'd be in even more danger. Encourage her to seek therapy for her own self esteem so she can realise just how 'not ok' his behaviour is.

I think you just remain civil and polite to him. If he senses your disapproval he may try and cut you off from your friend.

Thank you Emmylou22
That makes sense.

You might want to try to persuade her to try the Freedom Programme. It's free and available locally in many places, as well as online and on zoom. It helps to identify abusers and then she can decide what she'd like to do next. It's incredibly powerful and enpowers women too. Not all women who do the FP decide to leave their partners but knowledge is power.
You can find a local course here https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Signpost her to women's aid or your local Domestic Abuse charity
The abuser won't change, things are very likely to escalate because she's tried to leave.
Only she can make decisions about her future but specialist support is what she needs & safety planning too.

There's nothing unpleasant about suggesting that she might have low self esteem. Most abuse victims do. I did. It's not something to be ashamed of. It's something she can be supported with.

They don’t change. Husband called me stupid in public on Saturday. We had a blazing row. He promised never to call me names again. Tonight he got drunk and called me a C*t in front of our daughter (14) and then he hit me in front of our daughter again. Your friend should leave. I should leave.

Wafflesandcrepes
I'm so sorry to hear that.
I hope you find the strength to leave.

@Wafflesandcrepes

I was 14 when I stood between my mum and dad so that he wouldn't hit her. He didn't, but he threatened me, which he'd never done before. I don't speak to him these days, I cut him out years ago, but I just wanted to say to you that if my mum had left him, I would have had massive respect for her, and I wouldn't have cared where we lived or how much money we had.

My relationships were all screwed up until I had extensive and expensive counselling in my 40s. Do your daughter the favour of demonstrating that if a relationship is shit, you can simply walk away. It might not be simple to do, I understand that, but the concept is, and you may well save her years of anguish.

Good luck. I'm sorry this is happening for you.

I'd be pretty wary of saying that abusers can abuse due to addiction and might change/stop if they recover from the addiction.

I don't believe addiction/substance abuse makes people abusive ...and even if it did - addictions often go on for years/a life time with 1 step forward, 2 back, relapses etc etc. Why waste someone's life by encouraging them to stay with an abuser whose abuse is apparently due to/tied up with their addiction, in the hope they'll permanently recover from their addiction.

Ime though, addictions tend to make non abusive people self destructive/hurt themselves ..... I'd still be inclined to think abusers with addictions are still just abusers.

Neutral, polite but grey rock/bare minimum not to be thought of as rude or disliking him. Absolutely do not confront him, criticise him or say anything to him in front of your friend. It will simply alienate her and she won't want to see you around him (or he will start poisoning her against you or controlling her access to you.) Worst case scenario he may even berate her/punish her for talking about him to you.

It is very common for it to take several attempts to leave an abusive relationship - the average is seven times I think. Feeling embarrassed or worrying about judgement because you've confessed all these awful things to friends but then not actually left, or gone back, can be further isolating for abuse victims. Her feelings for him will be extremely complex and mixed up - it looks SO simple from the outside, but it does not feel like that from within. Let her know that you are absolutely here for her whatever she does and that while you really hope she will stay away, it is absolutely her choice and you support/love her no matter what.

I don't know if you have ever lost someone you were close to, whether this is a break up scenario or a bereavement or even someone just moved away etc - but you might know the feeling where this is the person you go to to talk about and get support with anything huge that happens in your life. When you've lost someone and that person is the person you talk to, it's so hard because you desperately want to talk TO THEM about this huge loss, but you can't because they are gone.

That closeness is not absent in an abusive relationship, not usually. (Sometimes it is - it was for my EA ex, so once I decided to leave that was it. I think I was lucky in this). This is one of the things which makes it really difficult to stay away. Because you have that drive to go and process huge things with them, but you know you shouldn't contact them, but they are also reaching out to you for contact so you know they would be receptive.

The other thing that tends to keep people enmeshed is that a lot of the time an abuse victim sees their abuser as vulnerable or misunderstood - like nobody else sees the true him inside like she does and they don't understand.

BertieBotts
I heard from my friend today, she said that her BF has "a lot to work through" meaning, I think, he's told her he's going to seek help.

So your comment about him being perceived as "vulnerable or misunderstood" rings true.

I'm definitely getting the idea that she plans, in time, to give the relationship another try.

I've probably been too blunt with her about her needing to leave him but it's terrible to imagine her being treated like that.

And yes, I completely understand that it's an extremely complex situation for her emotionally.

It's fine to be blunt, sometimes that is helpful. Just understand that you can't force her to make any decisions and it's a good idea to let her know that you'll be there for her whatever she decides.

The Lundy book has a good bit about the abusive man in therapy - it's more grim reading I'm afraid but it is useful.

No. They get worse.

It’s a shame she sounds like she is still in the phase “he can’t help it, he just needs more support, understanding, love” etc etc. She probably isn’t ready yet but she may eventually get to the stage a lot of us got to in that we have no more empathy to give to them, everything is not going to be enough. There is always something else they need. In all that trying you neglect yourself. She may not thank you for your honesty, I’m sorry. If she tells him or he finds out he will probably try and turn her against you. They are so insidious, it’s hard to not get sucked in.

saying he'll get help to change.

This is the alarm bells bit for me.

I do actually believe that people can chang abusive behaviour. But there are a few provisos to that:
1 the behaviour has to be the problem rather than the perpetrator being a purposeful abuser ie they behave in abusive ways due to not having the right framework for appropriate behaviour, not because they are wankers.

2 the person being abusive has to completely recognise, accept, and take responsibility for the behaviour

3 the person being abusive has to take complete responsibility for solving the problem. They cannot expect their partner to change so as not to "trigger" them. They can't expect anyone else to behave in different ways. Their behaviour is the problem so that is the only thing that has to change.

Unfortunately, meeting these three criteria is very very difficult and so any future tense statements for me are an automatic, "I don't believe you."

So ask your friend - what has he done already to sort this problem out? Besides apologise.

DH struggled with anger and how he expressed it - because he came from a family that has a very odd view on what is/is not appropriate and he was never taught to manage his feelings or reactions. I think he probably exhibited abusive behaviour in previous relationships because he had never been taught to take responsibility for how his actions made other people feel. (That didn't make it okay but it provides context for my theory that it's about behaviour vs personality). When I told him that our relationship was over if he didn't sort it out (weeks before we got married) and he really accepted HE was the problem, he had counselling set up within 48 hours. He then did the work. And it WAS work, that took a lot of time and effort on his part. But he never shirked, he never backed down and he did it.

I am not convinced your friends BF is going to be the same.

Yes this is a very good summary.

In short abusers abuse because they feel entitled to, they feel like their victim is behaving incorrectly and it's right for them to try and change that by controlling them. If they don't change that underlying belief, then they won't stop abusing. It takes a lot for someone to actually address that because it's extremely uncomfortable both to give that up - abusers often expect things from their victim which directly benefit them whether it's sex when and how the abuser wants it, financial support, food being made for them, household labour, childcare duties, to have their wishes prioritised, unwavering loyalty etc. So they would lose access to those things, and wouldn't normally see the kind of give and take, sharing of responsibility, communication of wants and needs that you'd expect in a healthy relationship to be equivalent.

But also admitting that their expectation is wrong in the first place means understanding what a reasonable expectation is and realising that their victim has had that all along too and they have failed to provide it and the hurt and damage that has caused.