Sex & affection

[chickensaresafehere]

Dh & I have been together for nearly 20 years,it has been a very,happy,steady relationship. (For context we have a teenage dd,who has a disability & I am her full time carer,she has quite high needs.)
I've gone through the menopause & although I still enjoy & want sex I'm probably not as keen as I used to be. This can cause issues between us,as because I don't initiate sex as often as I did,dh then becomes distant with regards to his affection (i.e touching,kissing,hugging).
We have fallen out over this & he says his love language is sex,if I'm not interested,he's not going to be affectionate.
I do understand his point of view but it's also difficult to talk about it with him too. He is very black & white & has always struggled to talk about anything involving 'feelings' & won't engage or quickly shuts it down.
I find it's becoming a huge 'elephant in the room' situation & I don't know how to navigate it??

If he refuses to discuss it then there’s not much you can do.
Him shutting down because he’s not getting what he wants is bound to be a turn-off! Vicious cycle.

Just bumping this thread as this cycle is still ongoing in our relationship & would appreciate hearing from anyone else in a similar situation.

Hi op, so sorry you’re still going through this! Our situation is very similar, at least the first part. We found that we were struggling a bit; both wanted it although him more so, me not enjoying it as much as before. But he listens to me, we talk, and try to work out a way forward.

we have agreed to set a day aside each week where we make sure we are affectionate to each other through the day. Whether this ends in sex isn’t the issue, but it’s on the agenda and it usually does. (I do still want and enjoy it!). My stance was that I needed this extra to enjoy it more, and this was important to him. We have both agreed that it makes the whole day, and the sex itself, great! It also reignites our live for each other, which is difficult after 25+ years.

my advice would be to keep talking. Difficult if he won’t, but hopefully he does care about you enough to listen?

love not live! 🤣

Thanks so much Errol,that is really helpful. I'm just looking at the right time to bring up how I'm feeling,it's difficult finding the time with having dd,who has a disability. But I need to as its dragging me down.

Well he has identified that his love language is x and yours is y.

So there are now several more steps in the communication to get you to a better place.

You seem to have stalled at the first step - identifying the difference between you - and then come to a halt.

My DH has a higher sex drive than me. We don't get much time in the week so on a Friday he is raring to go.

I'm feeling distanced and I need to connect with him and talk to him before I want sec with him.

Also if he starts initiating it and I'm not in the mood - it helps if he can talk about his feelings under the sex drive. Eg I missed you, I want to be close to you, it makes me feel excited and jumpy lying here in bed with you and I really want to have sex with you!

That gets me engaged - whereas "I'm frustrated I need sex from you!" would not.

Yes,it definitely came to a halt!!
We've never been that great with relationship communication & I think that's just got worse as we've got older. We 'brush things under the carpet' & muddle along,which is not healthy at all & I am very aware of that.
But I feel things have come to a head & it needs to be sorted for the health of our future together.

Thanks for the advice I'm taking it all in.

Everything is all about him and his needs, has he always been like this? I'm assuming that he's punishing you because he's used to getting his own way and you're not complying.

He's not willing to discuss the situation to work out a solution, he just wants you to do as you're told. How do you feel about that?

Sex isn’t a love language. Physical touch is the love language - so if yours is hugs and kisses and his is sex, you have the same need for physical affection, just in different ways.

With that as a starting point, he needs to understand that he’s more likely to get sex if he’s affectionate - who wants to shag a man who’s withholding hugs and kisses? Man’s an idiot.

But the problem is I usually do comply. Because that usual affection is withdrawn then I panic & think I don't want an atmosphere so I initiate sex.
Yes,yes!!! I have suddenly realised this & it's definitely a pattern of behaviour I don't want to continue as he sees it as a way to get what he wants.

It hasn't always been this way. Sex drives have changed since the menopause,but his seems to have increased?! Or maybe that's how I see it,as mine has decreased iyswim?

@SnowflakeSmasher86
'Man's an idiot' made me laugh!! He certainly can be an idiot at times!

OP I never say this but I want to give you a hug. Please don't have sex you don't want just because you want crumbs of affection.

He withdraws from you in order to get you to comply with his demands. A person who loves you and respects you would listen to you and be more loving and affectionate. They would respect your lower sex drive and accept that as part of the relationship.

He doesn't care about you, he just wants his needs fulfilled. I doubt his sex drive has increased, he just wants to be serviced.

I suggest counselling for you to help you navigate this and some books on assertiveness and self esteem.

I'd not want sex with him again. That is a form of control.

Nothing sexier than a withholding sulky brat of a man, is there?

How you keep your hands off him I can't understand. Phwoar.

I understand how it sounds & its become a situation that I never saw myself in.
But I want to sort it out as I love him & he loves me too.
Have had counselling recently but that was for issues related to my childhood,which still affect me now.

If he loved you he'd do what he could to meet your needs. He'd talk about the situation and reach a compromise.

I suppose we've never really sat down & properly discussed it though,for reasons I don't know why 😔

Ick, I definitely wouldn't have married someone who thought sex was a/their love language, that's never going to end well IMO. He's calling it a love language to make him demanding more sex palatable. Physical touch is the love language so he should want to be hugging you and kissing you and showing affection if that really was his love language. It's not though because he's withdrawing it as a form of punishment and control.

Him shutting down any talk involving feelings is also a way of controlling you and your emotions. You've never sat down and discussed the situation because you already know it would be pointless, he'll either shut it down, blame you or walk off and sulk.

He sounds vile OP and this sounds nothing like love. What are your issues from childhood? Could they be relevant to why you've put up with this controlling, punishing behaviour?

And this isn't something he's done on purpose,it's just happened. And written down,I agree,it sounds controlling.
All your comments are making me determined to get it sorted as I've had abusive relationships in the past & never want this to develop into one.

Some men remain dumb about being affectionate after sex rather than before. They don't realise a woman needs it the other way around. It takes 2 to be affectionate, and when 1 is not reciprocating it's a turn off. You are having sex just to get the affecion back. How is it during? I hope you are still able to enjoy it, and not just going through the motions for him, as that kills libido.
I'd be tempted to hopefully jolt him into action by confusing him so he starts asking and talking. After sex, when he wants to be affectionate, don't be, so it breaks the cycle. See how long he lasts before being willing to talk as sex will not be happening for a while then.
If you don't initiate, does he?

I know why:

He is very black & white & has always struggled to talk about anything involving 'feelings' & won't engage or quickly shuts it down.

Because he refuses to talk about it because he just wants his own way. Please keep up the counselling.

He will initiate for a while after we've had sex,but if it goes 'too' long then he becomes distant. Its a vicious cycle.
When we do have sex I do enjoy it though. I don't just have sex to get affection. I just get distracted by life & my libido isn't what it used to be.

You've hit the nail on the head!! That's exactly why. Seeing all this written down makes me sad & makes me realise that I've been minimising it quite a bit.

He’s dealing with his feelings in an immature way (most of us are guilty of that at one time or another) but it’s having a really negative effect on you and on your relationship. Sounds like he would benefit from some counselling so he figure out how to navigate this better. It isn’t all on you OP.