Why did she contact me?

Bobbotgegrinch · 2024-04-02T14:43:48+00:00

I've just had an ex from 18 years ago get in touch with me over Messenger, supposedly just to see how I was. We had a brief conversation, caught up with each others lives. I took the opportunity to apologise to her for the way I ended the relationship. We ended the convo with her saying to give her a shout sometime, to which I replied I wouldn't as it wouldn't be fair to my DP to start a friendship with an ex. I've told DP about it and said that if she contacts me again I'll shut her down straight off the bat. Am I reading too much into it though? I just don't really get why someone would get in touch with someone after that long. I know why a man would do it obviously, they'd be after a shag, but do women tend to get in touch with exes for that reason? And yes, I know the answer is "How the hell should we know what she wants", but I'm overthinking here.

speakball · 02/04/2024 15:47

It’s because she still loves you. She’s never got over you. OR she was just being nosey.

Original poster

Bobbotgegrinch · 02/04/2024 15:52

speakball · 02/04/2024 15:47

It’s because she still loves you. She’s never got over you. OR she was just being nosey.

Well that's one way to cover all possible bases!

OP posts:

samestyle · 02/04/2024 15:53

Bored and lonely, maybe she thinks you're the one that got away. You did the right thing to shut her down.

CrunchingNumbers · 02/04/2024 15:54

Could be either of what @speakball suggests...but your reply was perfect so it doesn't really matter what her motive was, you've protected your DPs back!

Walkinginthesand · 02/04/2024 16:33

speakball · 02/04/2024 15:47

It’s because she still loves you. She’s never got over you. OR she was just being nosey.

OR she had had a couple of glasses of wine or more

Original poster

Bobbotgegrinch · 02/04/2024 16:44

Walkinginthesand · 02/04/2024 16:33

OR she had had a couple of glasses of wine or more

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It was half 9 this morning, I really hope she wasn't on the wine!

Thanks folks for replying, I'm not sure what I was looking for with this thread as obviously no-one is likely to have the answer. It just seemed a really odd thing to do after nearly 2 decades of radio silence and it threw me for a loop slightly.

OP posts:

WhatFlavourIsIt · 02/04/2024 16:45

Drunk & horny?

SofaSpuds · 02/04/2024 16:47

Any chance she had your child and is sussing you out before letting you know?

MillshakePickle · 02/04/2024 16:48

She clearly is still thinking about you, otherwise she wouldn't have contacted you. It sounds as if she was just wondering how you were.

It could be possible if you had said you were single she may have suggested meeting up.

Is she newly single by any chance?

BirthdayRainbow · 02/04/2024 16:48

Shock horror. Women want sex too and maybe yeah, she fancied it with you.

There are so many reasons. If you want to know ask her..

Icehockeyflowers · 02/04/2024 16:54

I know when I get nostalgic it’s because I’m feeling down and unhappy with life. She was able to find you online so sent a message without too much overthinking. Unfortunately when this happens, the person who reached out moves on with their day and it’s the message recipient who is left scratching their heads after being jerked back without warning to the past.

It is very unsettling and easier said than done but try not to think too much more about it.

Original poster

Bobbotgegrinch · 02/04/2024 17:00

SofaSpuds · 02/04/2024 16:47

Any chance she had your child and is sussing you out before letting you know?

Nope, her kids are both younger than mine so the timings definitely wouldn't line up there, thank god.

@MillshakePickle She could be newly single I suppose. We've got mutual friends so I could probably find out, but I'm probably best off just leaving it be.

OP posts:

SofaSpuds · 02/04/2024 17:06

Bobbotgegrinch · 02/04/2024 17:00

Nope, her kids are both younger than mine so the timings definitely wouldn't line up there, thank god.

@MillshakePickle She could be newly single I suppose. We've got mutual friends so I could probably find out, but I'm probably best off just leaving it be.

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I that case... your guess is as good as mine 🤔

SlowlyLurking · 02/04/2024 17:08

Mercury is in retrograde. The woo among us believe that means exes pop up so you can blame that.

MillshakePickle · 02/04/2024 17:10

Personally, I would let sleeping dogs lie.
It's best to not start poking around and asking questions. My bet is that your OH wouldn't take to kindly to it.

It will also get back to her, and it's not worth the hassle of having to put yourself in a potentially awkward position. Either having to turn away advances or giving yourself the opportunity to stray. Not saying you will but why put yourself in that position or your partner.

Put it down to one of those mildly unsettling life experiences and move on.

Original poster

Bobbotgegrinch · 02/04/2024 17:15

SlowlyLurking · 02/04/2024 17:08

Mercury is in retrograde. The woo among us believe that means exes pop up so you can blame that.

Ah, that explains it. Bloody Mercury retrograding all over the place.

@MillshakePickle You are of course correct, curiosity killed the cat and all that. I shall take comfort from previous posters who said I handled it well initially and not go poking around where it's not needed.

OP posts:

CrunchingNumbers · 02/04/2024 17:15

Bobbotgegrinch · 02/04/2024 17:00

Nope, her kids are both younger than mine so the timings definitely wouldn't line up there, thank god.

@MillshakePickle She could be newly single I suppose. We've got mutual friends so I could probably find out, but I'm probably best off just leaving it be.

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Why are you giving this so much thought? Why have you even considered how to find out if she's newly single? You've protected your DP and shut down the contact. Don't let yourself down now OP, flattering as it may be to think she could be interested. Leave the ego boost at the contact and walk away.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/04/2024 17:29

SlowlyLurking · 02/04/2024 17:08

Mercury is in retrograde. The woo among us believe that means exes pop up so you can blame that.

Bloody hell, I hope not (about exes popping up, not Mercury being retrograde).

Original poster

Bobbotgegrinch · 02/04/2024 17:32

CrunchingNumbers · 02/04/2024 17:15

Why are you giving this so much thought? Why have you even considered how to find out if she's newly single? You've protected your DP and shut down the contact. Don't let yourself down now OP, flattering as it may be to think she could be interested. Leave the ego boost at the contact and walk away.

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Honestly, because it confused the hell out of me! I just can't imagine ever getting in touch with an ex after that amount of time, especially given that I treated her quite coldly towards the end of the relationship. I'm not a man who likes unexpected surprises, and this thread has been helpful in working through my thinking.

And no, I won't lie and say the ego boost was completely unwelcome. But I think most people would get a little boost from knowing that someone they've not seen for 20 years might still think of them fondly.

But you're right, no good can come from digging, and as I cross posted with you, I'll try not to give it any more thought.

OP posts:

lto2019 · 02/04/2024 17:53

Maybe you came up as a suggested friend or friend in common on FB and she saw you on that and decided to drop you a message and a nosy.
I got a message just saying hi how are you from an ex the other day - he is an ex from 20 plus years ago. I would put money on him definitely not wanting a shag and just being curious how I am. It came through under the 'others' tab so he doesn't know I have read it.

years ago I also had a message from a different from 25 plus years ago - we had a catch up - asked about friends and family /jobs etc he also showed no indication of wanting a shag

I wouldn't really have an issue with my partner having a friendship with an ex.

Ohffsbarbara · 02/04/2024 19:17

If I got in contact with an ex it would be because I still think about them, possibly to put the feelers out for if they wanted to meet up.

If you ended it/treated her coldly she probably feels she never had “closure”. I’d guess she’s probably a bit unhappy with her life atm.

anxioussister · 02/04/2024 19:20

Marital trouble or newly single.

CrunchingNumbers · 02/04/2024 19:24

Bobbotgegrinch · 02/04/2024 17:32

Honestly, because it confused the hell out of me! I just can't imagine ever getting in touch with an ex after that amount of time, especially given that I treated her quite coldly towards the end of the relationship. I'm not a man who likes unexpected surprises, and this thread has been helpful in working through my thinking.

And no, I won't lie and say the ego boost was completely unwelcome. But I think most people would get a little boost from knowing that someone they've not seen for 20 years might still think of them fondly.

But you're right, no good can come from digging, and as I cross posted with you, I'll try not to give it any more thought.

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Good man 👏

Icehockeyflowers · 02/04/2024 20:42

And no, I won't lie and say the ego boost was completely unwelcome. But I think most people would get a little boost from knowing that someone they've not seen for 20 years might still think of them fondly

I wouldn’t presume it was ‘fondly’ at all. I would equally think you hurt her quite badly and when she feels low, she remembers other times she felt low and the associations at the time.

I have contacted an ex before. Because I felt very very hurt by him and found it very hard to draw a line under it. I was absolutely not putting feelers out. I was curious if he had ever setttled down. whether it was just me that wasn’t good enough for him (at the time).

I would not be so quick to assume it’s an ego boost, quite the opposite in fact.

That or she was simply bored.

TheNeverEndingTale · 02/04/2024 20:46

Newly single and trying to suss you out I’m guessing? No good will come from that and I can’t imagine why you’d want to go digging around to find out either.

I also can’t say I’d be too happy with my partner replying to a message from an ex either, I’d expect him to completely ignore and I would also if an ex messaged me (as has happened and I ignored because I'm happily in a relationship and I let sleeping dogs lie).