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Relationships

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Original poster

Why did she contact me?

36 replies

Bobbotgegrinch · 02/04/2024 15:43

I've just had an ex from 18 years ago get in touch with me over Messenger, supposedly just to see how I was.

We had a brief conversation, caught up with each others lives. I took the opportunity to apologise to her for the way I ended the relationship. We ended the convo with her saying to give her a shout sometime, to which I replied I wouldn't as it wouldn't be fair to my DP to start a friendship with an ex.

I've told DP about it and said that if she contacts me again I'll shut her down straight off the bat.

Am I reading too much into it though? I just don't really get why someone would get in touch with someone after that long. I know why a man would do it obviously, they'd be after a shag, but do women tend to get in touch with exes for that reason?

And yes, I know the answer is "How the hell should we know what she wants", but I'm overthinking here.

OP posts:

IncognitoMam · 02/04/2024 20:53

I had a school boyfriend message me when I was late 30s. I was mildly flattered until another friend said he'd contacted her too. Probably went around all of us 🤣
I've had few adult relationship exes get in touch. They were just looking for a shag.

Original poster

Bobbotgegrinch · 02/04/2024 22:54

Icehockeyflowers · 02/04/2024 20:42

And no, I won't lie and say the ego boost was completely unwelcome. But I think most people would get a little boost from knowing that someone they've not seen for 20 years might still think of them fondly

I wouldn’t presume it was ‘fondly’ at all. I would equally think you hurt her quite badly and when she feels low, she remembers other times she felt low and the associations at the time.

I have contacted an ex before. Because I felt very very hurt by him and found it very hard to draw a line under it. I was absolutely not putting feelers out. I was curious if he had ever setttled down. whether it was just me that wasn’t good enough for him (at the time).

I would not be so quick to assume it’s an ego boost, quite the opposite in fact.

That or she was simply bored.

You're right of course. I'm going on the fact that it seemed a friendly chat and when I tried to apologise she told me it wasn't needed.

But that doesn't necessarily mean anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bobbotgegrinch · 02/04/2024 22:58

TheNeverEndingTale · 02/04/2024 20:46

Newly single and trying to suss you out I’m guessing? No good will come from that and I can’t imagine why you’d want to go digging around to find out either.

I also can’t say I’d be too happy with my partner replying to a message from an ex either, I’d expect him to completely ignore and I would also if an ex messaged me (as has happened and I ignored because I'm happily in a relationship and I let sleeping dogs lie).

DP and I both have exes who are friends, hell one of them we both dated briefly at different times! (I'm bi and we both worked somewhere where there was a lot of hooking up going on!)

She wouldn't have gotten wound up that I chatted up and ex, she probably would have been a bit miffed if I'd not mentioned it to her and she found out via someone else though.

OP posts:

Tillievanilly · 02/04/2024 23:34

This happened to me. He was in therapy. It was an apology which I appreciated. But it wobbled me. It was more about him than me but didn’t come at the best time in my life to be honest. I did also wonder what he really wanted.

CallmePaul · 03/04/2024 00:06

I got contacted too, after near 20 years, she wasn't single, I wasn't single.

Met up couple of yrs ago had a night out, been in contact a fair bit, it's been great, I was an arse at the end & I got to apologise for it, it had bugged me first years, felt I needed to, we were young then not middle aged with kids, but I was a dickhead.

We are still in contact & it's great, plan of a meet on a week actually, absolutely no romance intentions from either side.

Sartre · 03/04/2024 10:52

I’d guess she’s either lonely because her marriage has gone south or because she’s recently single so it’s making her think about past loves.

I had a guy I only went on one date with contact me out of the blue last year, now that was weird! I wasn’t sure how he even remembered me tbh but he did, he remembered really weird details about our one date a decade prior as well. I guessed he was just single and lonely so reaching out to various women from the past. People get desperate.

Forthelovagod · 03/04/2024 11:01

Maybe the closure thing. Im going to go with the previous suggestion that she remembers you hurt her and maybe needed that apology more than she wanted to admit.

Good man for offering it. Now oeave things alone for everyone's sake.

Nicetobenice67 · 03/04/2024 11:06

Probably split up or single and targeted you it’s not uncommon I’ve contacted an ex before it happens don’t read to much in it as she has probably moved on to another ex ….FACEBOOK EH 🙄

BobbyBiscuits · 27/06/2024 16:15

It sounded like it may have ended on slightly bad terms, as you felt the need to apologise for some of your actions. So maybe she felt she wanted to hear that apology from you, and felt she would wish to potentially be friends again?
Or she could be in love with you still? It's a very long time though.
You've said you'll not pursue it further, so just stick to that. It didn't work out back then and you've moved on.

DixonD · 27/06/2024 18:10

I expect she saw your name and it was simply curiosity. That’s why I would do it, if I did. I’ve gone to message old school friends and backed out at the last minute (always men; I had better friendships with men and I don’t want them to think I’m after them! 😂).

Theneverendingcycle · 27/06/2024 21:19

It's nice you apologised and if her reply was it wasn't needed she's clearly well over all that. I think she saw your name and thought ahhh I wonder how they are doing

I don't think it's anything more.

I think it's good you told your DP and will shut it down should it continue. Is this person a friend. No. Is this person someone you need in your life. Clearly not. You have no need to have contact so you've deffo done the right thing 100%

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