Your red/green flags r.e. People

[PennyToffeee]

Non-scientific and based on my experience! ;)

Mine:

• If someone is an animal lover that’s a green flag for me
• Conversely if someone professes to strongly dislike animals that’s a red flag - ime tend to be kind of selfish
• Hard avoid on any man who professes “my Mum is my world’ or is super protective of his sisters or such like - goes against logic but somehow find these types treat women with the most disrespect

Tell me your pearls of wisdom r.e. people :)

Keeping to your theme of animals:

Red flag:
If they identify as either dog or cat people. Dog people anxious attachment i think and cat people are avoidants! Thats my theory which I will now get destroyed 😅 just purely from personal experience

If they dont like people, say they like animals more than people, just vocal about animals over humans: even though i get it i find they tend to be too complex, traumatised and fragile for any closeness, very touchy and volatile.

If they think there are no dangerous dogs just irresponsible owners or if they leave big dogs unsuperviser around babies they are a red flag to me for being thick and irresponsible

If they keep pet rats or snakes, weirdos.

Green flags:
Brings proper suitable feed for wildlife not bread

Their pets are a healthy weight

They look after the dental health of their pets

They don't declaw

They don't hoard animals or keep animals they have no space for eg super active dog breed or cat in a small cluttered home in the city

They adopted their animals instead of purchased.

The worst person I’ve ever met has a dog and claims to be a dog lover - in reality he’s a covert narcissist and I think having the dog is actually just to benefit his outward appearance to others bc it feeds into his “nice guy” image especially because she was a rescue dog. He also had lots of friends/older people that he “helps out” dog sitting, doing favours etc.
He dropped this into conversation regularly and I thought he was lovely and kind.

Over time I saw that he actually seemed quite resentful of the dog, calling her names and shouting at her.

Turned out he’s a sociopath and pathological liar - shags other women behind his wife’s back whilst telling the OW he’s separated from his wife/she’s got MH issues etc.

Wouldn’t let his wife who is infertile adopt like she wanted because he “hates kids” but is happy to leech off her financially whilst he shags around. I could go on about his nastiness.

The point I’m making is that things that seem like green flags can often be huge red flags!

People can only really show you who they are over time unfortunately, when you can see for yourself that their actions match their words.

And to the poster above who said people who own snakes are weirdos - my SEN child has a snake whom they love with all their heart and I find that a bit of a mean thing to say! He’s a corn snake and very cute.

I am so tired of this 'anxious/avoidant' garbage that people spout. It is about as accurate as the zodiac.

I’m an animal lover and say an animal lover type guy is a green flag but I know a guy who has cats and a dog but he’s awful and I think he has them to dominate them unfortunately.

Green: someone very nice to service people (waiters, taxi drivers etc)
red: someone who is dismissive of service people

also red: man who has never shared a home with a partner after age 40

@Aerin1999

also red: man who has never shared a home with a partner after age 40

I'm curious about this one. Can I ask why?

To me it's a sign of someone who has realised they are happier living alone, which I regard as a positive, because it makes it far less likely someone is going to end up trapped in a miserable domestic life with them, or vice versa, and I find that independence and sense of self quite appealing.

You make a really good point too! I didn’t live with anyone until I was 38, and had relationships with quite a few men who had never cohabited…and I guess in my experience I found beyond around 40 the ability to compromise on all sides was challenging. Whereas men who had lived with previous partner(s) made it much easier. Just personal experience!

Red flags:
People who say they are nice/a good guy etc. If they feel the need to say it, it's invariably untrue!

Also as per pps, I'm instantly suspicious of people who don't like animals.

I'm fine with dog people, I have a dog, so I would say that. But any pet owner hopefully indicates capacity for love and care. Next thing is how their dog is behaved- it is a reflection on their owners to some degree.
Big red flag, huge in fact! - had some abuse or neglect by parents in childhood or witnessed it - there will be ongoing issues of either MH or addiction nature, and wrong behaviours.

Red:
anyone who tells you their ex was a psycho.
living at home with their parents
people who tell you they are kind or talk about their attributes
people who tell you their life story immediately or who slag other people off

green:
generosity
manners
liking animals
not gamers
taking pictures other than selfies
laughing at the absurdity of life

My ex (DCs dad) is a huge dog lover. He's never more happy when he's with his dog and has a great relationship with his dog.

He's also a massive wanker and hates me despite him being the one that had an affair and left me when I was pregnant (DC are teens now) He lives his life in order to make mine a misery.

My theory around him is a) that he can control his dog to do whatever he wants b) his dog will never question what an awful human being he is and c) he can use him as a magnet to get the DC round to his house as they love his dog. They normally don't really want to go

Men who utter the words " I'm an open book" - nope, hiding shit, it's just not a comment true open people make as it kinda feels a natural way of being and noone thinks they need to accentuate that. Similarly " I'm honest, genuine" - no need to emphasise that either, when you are, you kinda expect it of others and take it for granted until shown otherwise ( they are convincers of something untrue).

@Opentooffers that is a horrible generalisation and very wrong re childhood abuse. Many people who have experienced such horrors are then extremely empathetic because they know what it is like to be treated like crap. A huge proportion of my colleagues in nursing and social work had lived through childhood trauma.

Regarding animal lovers, red flag to those who have pets and don’t look after them, those who hoard animals and those who don’t neuter their cats and dogs and allow or enable breeding.
Also as a horsewoman red flag to those who use every strap and gadget, don’t let their horse have enough turn out or live out, keep them isolated from field mates, or want to dominate their horse and allots the poor horse human motivations of “being naughty” or “trying it on” going on to punish instead of educating themselves about what is really going on.
I also think keeping exotic pets like snakes is just plain wrong, they are not domestic animals.

Red flag to closet racists and to those who bring moaning about immigrants or benefit “scroungers” into every conversation.

Red flag to people who put their partner down in public.Mean and stingy people. Rich people who give nothing to charity.

Green flag to genuine animal lovers, carers, people who have experienced shit in life and want to help others, people who can’t stand pretension, people who love books.

I would reply to you, but I'm sensing you are a Virgo, or have at least have met one on a Tuesday & that simply won't work with a Leo.

😀

Hmmm I love my dogs more than most things , animal lover in general though
So green flags for me
Nice people just nice genuinely
People who treat animals kindly , including birds and wildlife
People who have good manners in general
People who dont talk with food in their mouth and cover their mouth when they cough !
Red flags are child and animal abusers , horse riders who rely on a whip all the time ( have horses myself )
Cruelty .. in general
Tightness / meanness
Men who proclaim their exs are "mad " especially when it's more than one ex

32 green flags to be on the lookout for. Actions must match words and bear in mind people can be deceptive in displaying what they know you want to see, so I keep these close to my chest:

• Single and emotionally available.
• Honest. Has integrity, to himself and others. Not afraid to tell me ugly/unsavoury things. Doesn't just tell me what I want to hear to give himself an easy life
• Passionate; has a skill or hobby (not gaming though)
• Understands that men and women can react differently to stuff. He doesn't have to agree with reaction just understand that there’s another person/gender who has a completely different experience of the same reality.
• No victim mentality, does not despair when faced with challenges. Ability to bounce back after set backs and knocks. Has resilience. Turns situations to his advantage.
• Takes decisive action but doesn't act on impulse. Considers and understands consequences of his actions.
• Same opinion of what constitutes infidelity.
• Patient & hard working in all aspects of his life
• Early riser / does not spend large chunks of weekend in bed
• Health conscious but not health nut
• Does not seek conflict but is not afraid of it(see point 2)
• Intelligent and intellectually curious
• Financially stable, secure and sensible/balanced with money
• similar sense of humour to me
• Can organise himself, his life, admin etc
• Short fingernails, no beardy beards, good general hygiene
• Good table manners, doesn't chew with mouth open, eat loudly, smack food around mouth etc
• Good in a crisis. Does not crumble, flap, retreat etc
• Requires me to have all of these traits, too. Wants woman of same standards
• Respectful and considerate of others' jobs, roles etc (example staff in restaurants)
• Sexual alchemy. Couple of insecurities but overall sexual confidence
• Communicates important things face to face, does not hide behind text. (also does not generally communicate via text...or emojis)
• Is not constantly scrolling on his phone, on social media etc.
• Can do stuff (cars, DIY, house, etc etc). Doesn't make him a bad person if he can't though.
• Believer of women's equality and right to live equally in the world. Not necessarily active campaigner but doesn't hold hostile views on single women choosing to have baby alone for example
• Non smoker. Healthy relationship to alcohol.
• Handles his own mistakes well. Can face them. Can apologise when wrong.
• Has spent a reasonable chunk of his adult life single / has not always been in couples
• Knows who he is and is not easily influenced depending on who is around.
• Is a good, safe driver. No road rage. Twatty/boy-racer dangerous driving is a turn off.
• Does not put tinsel on Christmas tree. Or coloured lights. Or flashing lights of any kind.
• An on-time person. Not chronically late or time blind.

Interesting re the animal lover thing.

We keep animals. They're great, well cared for and we treat them well. We leave food appropriate to the local wildlife in our garden, we make financial donations to animal charities but I wouldn't deacribe us as 'animal lovers'. I've met too many people over the years who aren't meeting their pets needs properly because they're 'animal lovers'. Some 'animal lovers' treat both animals and people very badly.

So I'd actually say someone describing themselves as animal lover would be a bit of red flag to me! People treating animals kindly, appropriately and responsibly is important though.

Big red flags for me are

• a lack of integrity
• people pleasing
• people who take no responsibility for their own MH
• a general lack of boundaries
• racist, sexist, homophobic attitudes/beliefs
• rudeness
• lack of consideration for others generally
• fussy eaters
• people who can find a problem for every solution
• people whose jobs are based on 'making money'
• people who are into astrology
• gamers
• people who drop litter

Green flags are probably harder tbh!

• lack of any of my major red flags
• a good feeling about someone
• people who can laugh at themselves
• kindness
• loyalty
• volunteering

I generally find the lack of red flags to be the most important thing.

Oh yeah, most of those too!

Good list!

I know that there has been an explosion in dog ownership but I find that most of the decent single men don’t have pets. It’s certainly not practical to have a dog when you’re working and live alone. I find that anyone that has a big dog (Rottweiler, bulldog etc) is insecure and uses it to bolster their image. Generally, people with small cute dogs are caring and loving.

Big big red flag is people who talk unkindly about other people behind their backs. You can guarantee you're on their shit list too.

Isn't the former based in reality though? Behaviours learned from infancy? Which certainly has a bearing on adult behaviour circuits.

The "I'm a nice guy/" mantra people are the worst! The type to remember every single act of "kindness" and bullet point them ALL during a falling out.

If my dog is fond of somebody I tend to feel more warmly towards them. But I carry a fair bit of red flag bunting around with me, and tend to avoid people/relationships with people in the most part.

I'm not an animal lover, that doesn't mean I'm a bad person.
I'm not cruel or unkind. There are lots of bad pet owners out there who claim they love their pets.
I don't like humanising animals.
Terms like fur babies give me the ick.

Red flags:

• Being tight is a massive red flag, careful with money is fine but can't do tight. Eg buys the first round, drinks their drink really quickly then looks really impatient while you finish yours until you buy the next. Or takes great delight in getting money off a bill/ purchase by complaining when not really called for. Awful.
• Any nasty or disrespectful comments about others but especially about poor, homeless, overweight people, refugees, people with disabilities, immigrants or those from different cultural/ ethnic backgrounds
• Bad personal hygiene

Green flags:

• Generous, gives money to buskers, tips well.
• Caring - will be the first to help someone struggling with a bag or pram on stairs or stand up for someone who needs the seat on the tube.
• Has nice friends. I think you can often tell who a person is by their friends.

Unless they outright say they hate animal xyz I think it's a very poor barometer of someone's character and should be pretty far down the checklist when selecting a potential partner.