Your red/green flags r.e. People

[PennyToffeee]

Non-scientific and based on my experience! ;)

Mine:

• If someone is an animal lover that’s a green flag for me
• Conversely if someone professes to strongly dislike animals that’s a red flag - ime tend to be kind of selfish
• Hard avoid on any man who professes “my Mum is my world’ or is super protective of his sisters or such like - goes against logic but somehow find these types treat women with the most disrespect

Tell me your pearls of wisdom r.e. people :)

Red flags:

• Lying, even white lies
• Stinginess
• Gossiping / being judgemental of others
• No friends
• Too many friends
• Talks about their problematic ex
• Boastful, particularly regarding material possessions
• Doesn’t view women as their equal
• Alcohol / getting drunk plays a central role in their life
• Too close to their mother
• Has no depth, isn’t curious, isn’t ’alive’ in the world
• In their 30s but never had a serious relationship
• Immature
• Sex obsessed
• Has no interest in self improvement (exercise, basic grooming, looking presentable)
• Negative outlook on life

Green:

• Doesn’t exhibit any of the above 😁

@Opentooffers Big red flag, huge in fact! - had some abuse or neglect by parents in childhood or witnessed it - there will be ongoing issues of either MH or addiction nature, and wrong behaviours.

I'm so sad reading that. My DH of 40 years suffered a terrible childhood and is a thoroughly kind, loving, decent human being. He's spent his whole life making sure his childhood didn't define him. I'm sure there are millions of people just like him.

I know that's your opinion, but I just wanted to say that it is not always a red flag. Such a shame to think that people might be dismissed for something outside of their control.

A good book for people interested in how a person can survive and thrive a horrific childhood is Would It Interest You To Know by Ronnie Archer Morgan. There's a man who started in the worst of situations and made a great, happy, caring life for himself.

@Crushed23 I'm 36 and have never had a serious relationship. I'm not an awful person, I just had a horrid skin condition all over my body from age 11 right up until I was 31. Understandably I never got approached because I honestly looked like a monster. 🙈

When I finally got medication the nurse doing the pre-testing said I was the worse case she had ever seen.

I'm still awfully shy around men. Old habits die hard and all that.

Hopefully that one on your list is a negotiable for you as you might miss out on someone great.

@OnlyHerefortheBiscuits absolutely if there is a valid reason! 🙂

Amber Flags - anything that makes me feel uncomfortable (emotionally or physically).
Red Flags - anything that still makes me feel uncomfortable after I've raised it.
Green Flags - anything that doesn't make me feel uncomfortable.

Red flags:
Any man who uses the phrase "I don't like drama". They are usually the ones causing it, in my experience

Excessively money-focused

Poor personal hygiene

Conspiracy theorist

Over sharing about personal trauma during very early dates

Subtle signs of lack of consideration for others, whether that's being rude to people in the service industry, pushing and shoving on the tube or barrelling through a revolving door with such force that they practically send others going through the door flying off their feet. I work on financial services and I am well-practiced in spotting a revolving door arsehole. It is almost always a sign of poor character.

Green flags
Asking questions in conversation and not just talking about themselves
Good personal hygiene
Consistent communication, eg timely responses to messages/calls but not sending a barrage of messages and demanding to know where I am, what I'm doing or shudder* what I'm thinking

I disagree with the animal thing. Most people like animals. If someone hadn't had many relationships, I'd think they might be a careful shopper and a green flag but it could also be a sign that they struggle to meet anyone who's prepared to put up with their crap. There's ways of explaining away a lot of red flags and men that present with green flags can lie.

My last person had a whole load of what I thought were green flags (not a love bomber, enjoyed going out, not overly sexual, liked animals) but then ended up assaulting me. It was only in the 2 weeks leading up to the assault that he started to show who he was and that was the only time I started to question. It didn't give me much time to process what was actually happening but I think by this point he thought he had me figured out.

In the aftermath, I've had everyone point out the "red" flags (not many previous relationships, met on the internet, enjoyed drinking quite a lot) but I think what I've worked out is that some abusive people are just smarter than others and know what they're doing.

I think all you can do is go with how you feel.

Saying they have psycho ex/ ex’s and/ or slagging off, and speaking disrespectfully about said ex girlfriends.

99% of the time, the girlfriends were fine and they were absolutely the problem.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Total red flag for me is if someone says they hate cats, and think it is funny to make jokes about animal cruelty.

I went out with a bloke (once) who said "I fucking hate cats - if one came near me I'd pick it up and fucking drop kick it" and then laughed. He didn't know at that point that I actually had three cats at the time. Needless to say I didn't go out with him again.😡

This. My ex has never lived alone and he’s 55. He will move a woman in his house with his kids even if he doesn’t like them that much because he can’t stand being alone so will tolerate anyone living with him even if they don’t get along.

he and I were fighting like cats and dogs and he still wanted me to move in. He was very needy and toxic so Thank god I didn’t move in.

i would rather someone more independent and is happy being alone.

Came back to add
Red flag for anyone who copies “influencers” or so called celebrities, people who buy the latest fashionable breed of dog, people who dock tails or crop ears, people who believe in ghosts, mediums, crystals etc, religious people, people with multiple tattoos, smokers or vapers, people who treat their car as a toy to race about on the roads rather than just travel normally, cyclists using the roads as a racetrack in huge bunches.
Well, I feel better now I’ve got all that off my chest so thank you OP!

Green flags for me: seeing as people are mentioning pets, id say someone who is not keen on animals. I wouldn't wish them harm but its just an animal at the end of the day.

More important than their views on animals is that they are:

Kind
Reliable
Loyal
Stable, mentally and financially
Can take a joke

Red flags:
Lots of past relationships
Rude
Doesn't give other people the benefit of the doubt
Quick to anger
Doesn't forgive quickly.

Green flags:

Animal lover
Similar music tastes
Empathetic
Daft sense of humour
Easy going
Doesn't take themselves seriously
Intelligent

Red flags:

Poor manners
Smoker
Drug user
Lip filler/orange face paint
Materialistic
Stroppy
Umpteen kids
Poor personal hygiene

Anything sleazy: wandering eyes, okay with age gaps, follow lots of women on social media, adding lots of women, teen porn hound, dog on heat behaviour. Massive red flag. Will always feel insecure and on edge.

Red flags:

Enjoys blood sports of any kind (instant deal-breaker)

Has never lived alone as an adult (he might have no experience of looking after himself and doing his own housework)

Doesn’t take responsibility for his own actions

Doesn’t apologise

Frequently comments on other women’s perceived attractiveness (or lack of)

Makes jokes that belittle one person in front of others (they are often small, seemingly harmless jokes, but unless they’re an in-joke between close friends, they can show a need for control)

Talks about how wonderful his ex was (who left him)

Talks about how awful and crazy all his exs were

Is generally indecisive - not as in, “I don’t mind, what would you like?”, but as in dithering endlessly and failing to make any decision at all (yes, I dated him and it drove me mad)

Green flags

Is kind even when he thinks no one is watching. I personally like a man who’ll stop to right a beetle which is stuck on its back, or rescue a bee from drowning in a pond

Is reliable and keeps his promises

Looks and smells clean

Sees his kids often (if he has them) and is a hands-on parent who takes on his share of the mental load

Red flags: I agree with most here about rudeness to service staff, stinginess and dishonesty. Also I can’t stand a practical joker— rarely funny, always hurtful to someone, and the ‘joker’ has an inflated opinion of himself (I’ve never met a female practical joker).