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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stepsons comments left their mark

40 replies

feelabitcrap · 02/04/2024 08:32

Preface this with basics - DP and I have been together 4 years. Both have a child each - DSS is 13, mine is similar age. DP and his X broke up over ten years ago, DP had a couple of partners since then. We live together, we have DSS every other weekend and a couple of times in the week. DSS's mum has an established Partner and they live together.

DSS and I generally have a really nice relationship, we get on well. In the last year there has been the odd comment and he has been a bit frosty towards me. He likes to talk about his Dads life before me, and things from when he was young. Completely understandable, I don't mind at all. I do seem to know far more about his mum than I know about some of my close friends as he talks about her incessantly. Again, understandable.
Yesterday going out. He was in a hyper mood (he gets like this occasionally, normal for him.). He starts just making comments - asking DP if he hates his X, then if he loves her, telling him he couldn't say he does in front of his GF, then does he miss her, and he wants her back...

just such stupid kid stuff but I felt absolutely awful. DP pulled him up when we got out of the car I think as about 3 hours later I got an apology with a smirk.

I KNOW this is all shit and small stuff. I know this is nothing at all and I carried on as normal yesterday but I'm just having a moment where I feel terrible because of it. We try so hard to make the kids happy. I just felt humiliated tbh.

OP posts:
TheyNotAllUseless · 02/04/2024 08:46

Awful for you, but this sounds like normal teenage boundary pushing. They literally turn back into toddlers again in terms of neuroscience. You seem very understanding but also understandably hurt and humiliated. Sadly that's what teenagers love to seek - how can they push our buttons. Just like toddlers but more effective and mean 💔

n

n

We try so hard to make the kids happy - this is not the job of a parent

https://www.smartparenting.com.ph/parenting/preschooler/parents-job-kids-happy-a1856-20230419-lfrm

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 02/04/2024 08:52

13? He knows his words have power. Maybe have conversations about how life was great pre dc...

Original poster
feelabitcrap · 02/04/2024 08:54

Thank you, I was a bit concerned I'd be flamed tbh! Just smarting a bit. Yes I have no doubt that he knows what he says.

OP posts:
11NigelTufnel · 02/04/2024 08:58

But he probably does want his parents back together. You may generally get on well, but if it was you, or getting to live with his mum and dad all the time, it sounds like he would pick that. He should be allowed to have and explore these feelings with his dad. He should not be allowed to be nasty to you of course.

Original poster
feelabitcrap · 02/04/2024 09:02

His parents haven't lived together since he was 2. He is perfectly entitled to want that, of course he is, but it just felt a bit cruel. His mums DP doesn't get any of this. I make sure he gets good time just him and his dad on their own to chat about things and have time together when I'm not there.

OP posts:
Benjaminsniddlegrass · 02/04/2024 09:03

In terms of knowing what he is saying - I think he does as in he is looking to impact you with his words but as pp have said teens struggle to regulate this behaviour. It isn't the same as if a fully grown adult did it, they have less control. What I hear is that he is obviously communicating to you and his dad that he's struggling with the situation, that he is finding all of this overwhelming and it makes him sad - I get the way he is communicating this is painful and hurtful but I think you need to listen for the message behind rather than the words he uses. It may be for example at the moment he needs DH to step up and spend more time 1:1 with him and for you to take step back.
I do 100% get it btw, I have 3 DSC who are all now in their early 20s so have traversed the teen years with step children. My DSD really struggled with our relationship as a teen and could really lash out at me. We have worked through it and have a lovely relationship now, we are off to visit her and my DSS at uni tomorrow for a few days.

PaintedEgg · 02/04/2024 09:05

I think he was trying to take a hit at his dad and you were just a collateral damage

13 is old enough to somewhat know what to say to be a dick, but not old enough to understand the bigger picture

basically he was probably trying to get his dad in hot water with you

Imisscoffee2021 · 02/04/2024 09:08

This is boundary pushing, I'd be tempted not to show any sign of being upset or humiliated but still demand an apology because of the rudeness of asking such inappropriate questions but to his dad rather than frame it as he was doing it to hurt you. Then his intended actions are thwarted but he's still pulled up on his behaviour. His smirk when apologising shows him he hit his mark. So his dad could say "I love OP very much and am very happy, would you want me to be unhappy without her? No, then you should apologise to me for asking those questions, and you're lucky that OP knows I love her very much or she might have been upset " for example. Shows him you are strong together and that his words haven't affected you (even though they did) and still demands an apology and some introspection on his behalf.

BunniesRUs · 02/04/2024 09:09

I can see it would be hurtful. I'm not sure how normal this is for teenage behaviour. However, in this scenario I think I'd play it very cool. Be secure you're in a committed and happy relationship. The boy will hopefully grow out of it. Young people can be rude and immature and unkind. Your DH should just matter aloofly e.g. " of I still care for your mother, she was very important but our relationship is now over". "No, I don't miss her, we divorced a long time ago". Etc.

Original poster
feelabitcrap · 02/04/2024 09:11

Thank you everyone. Yes I have tried to be unflappable and serene, I just privately have moments alone in the bathroom etc!!!
It is bloody hard.

OP posts:
MississippiAF · 02/04/2024 09:13

Whatever you do, don’t let him see the reaction when he says it, it’s what he wants.

Ignore.

DP should tell him to stop asking these questions and explain he is with you, and his DM is with her DP. If he doesn’t, it will stop you both ever getting on properly. He is old enough to understand the impact of these questions. DP can eall
to him to see why he is asking all of this, but be clear that rude questions aren’t okay.

I get it, it’s exhausting and chips away at you.

Original poster
feelabitcrap · 02/04/2024 09:21

Thanks @MississippiAF, everyone has been absolutely lovely on here. It just gets to you a bit. Funny how sometimes you don't want to be the grown up isn't it? I would quite like to just cry and say it's not fair!! 😂 but never mind. We are the grown ups and that is the way it is!

OP posts:
tara66 · 02/04/2024 10:46

He wants to make an ''impression'' - OR he actually dreams of parents reuniting hoping that they will. Being in the car with you and DF he has a captive audience with 2 of 4 people concerned and is expressing his feelings. That is what he wants at the moment and he's telling you. Do you want him to suppress his genuine hopes and feeling? Perhaps he needs counselling - perhaps everyone is happy except him?

Gettingonmygoat · 02/04/2024 10:50

What is your partner doing when his son asks these questions ? Yes it is boundary pushing but his dad needs to sort it out and tell him he is being rude, he needs to parent.

EatCrow · 02/04/2024 10:50

feelabitcrap · 02/04/2024 09:02

His parents haven't lived together since he was 2. He is perfectly entitled to want that, of course he is, but it just felt a bit cruel. His mums DP doesn't get any of this. I make sure he gets good time just him and his dad on their own to chat about things and have time together when I'm not there.

Do you know for sure that his mum’s partner doesn’t get the same though? Maybe he tries to push his buttons too.

Edit. Ah, sorry OP, I misread what you wrote.

Original poster
feelabitcrap · 02/04/2024 10:57

@tara66 no I definitely don't want him to suppress anything, but there are ways to express them and that one stung.
His dad is fantastic, he has talked to him. he shuts it down in the moment (fairly nicely - when DSS is in a hyper mood it can be tricky). But has talked to him properly since. He has said there isn't an issue, he just thought he was being funny. We will see. I think he is probably very conflicted, we get on so well but it is normal for him to wish things were different and he is at a delicate age!

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 02/04/2024 11:09

@feelabitcrap it is possible that he was teasing his dad and was being "little funny" in his head and a little shit to everyone else - we've all been there, part of growing up :)

Original poster
feelabitcrap · 02/04/2024 11:26

Ta @PaintedEgg! I suspect so. Blooming kids 😂

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 02/04/2024 11:37

Honestly I think your dh needs to manage this by shutting gun down ASAP . Ie no I don't miss my ex, we we weren't suited. I love my life you op and wouldn't change that for anything. He is definitely old enough to hear that reality .

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 02/04/2024 12:26

He will have no memory or idea of what a life would be like with his bio parents together he is just being a painful pain in the butt which teens are. The button pushing thing is awful and you have my sympathy. Just smile sweetly at him and let your DH make sure DS knows that he is so glad he is with you and not the EX.

LemonTreeGrove · 02/04/2024 12:47

Could you say. "It sounds like you've got things you want to talk to your dad about. Let's arrange some time with just you and your dad, so you can talk about it without me there"

youhavenoidea123 · 02/04/2024 12:50

It does sound like his dad has had a few relation

Original poster
feelabitcrap · 02/04/2024 12:51

youhavenoidea123 · 02/04/2024 12:50

It does sound like his dad has had a few relation

Sorry I'm not sure what you mean here?

OP posts:
youhavenoidea123 · 02/04/2024 12:53

Pressed post too soon.

Did DP live with his other partners between you and his son's mum?

I'm not surprised he is pushing the boundaries and exploring how this relationship is different to the others. How quickly did you latest living with your DP?

I'm not saying it acceptable behaviour from a 13 year old and he will know they hurt.

TinyYellow · 02/04/2024 12:55

It’s understandable that he’s confused about boundaries and what’s appropriate if he’s known his father to be with four different partners in the very short time he’s been alive.

Obviously he should be expected to be polite but I don’t think he can be blamed for not having much respect for his father’s relationships. He can’t possible feel secure in his family when all he’s seen is that relationships change and move on quickly. Don’t make this poor kid’s understandable confusion about yourself.

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