Stepsons comments left their mark

[feelabitcrap]

Preface this with basics - DP and I have been together 4 years. Both have a child each - DSS is 13, mine is similar age. DP and his X broke up over ten years ago, DP had a couple of partners since then. We live together, we have DSS every other weekend and a couple of times in the week. DSS's mum has an established Partner and they live together.

DSS and I generally have a really nice relationship, we get on well. In the last year there has been the odd comment and he has been a bit frosty towards me. He likes to talk about his Dads life before me, and things from when he was young. Completely understandable, I don't mind at all. I do seem to know far more about his mum than I know about some of my close friends as he talks about her incessantly. Again, understandable.
Yesterday going out. He was in a hyper mood (he gets like this occasionally, normal for him.). He starts just making comments - asking DP if he hates his X, then if he loves her, telling him he couldn't say he does in front of his GF, then does he miss her, and he wants her back...

just such stupid kid stuff but I felt absolutely awful. DP pulled him up when we got out of the car I think as about 3 hours later I got an apology with a smirk.

I KNOW this is all shit and small stuff. I know this is nothing at all and I carried on as normal yesterday but I'm just having a moment where I feel terrible because of it. We try so hard to make the kids happy. I just felt humiliated tbh.

What I'm trying to say is how quickly was the DSS introduced to previous relationships? He has potentiality lost two significant relationships when they broke down.

@TheyNotAllUseless is right about teenage neuroscience, @feelabitcrap. Apparently, during adolescence, their brains are actually rewiring - real changes are taking place - and during this, they lose certain abilities they had beforehand - empathy, impulse control, temper control, knowing they aren't the centre of the universe. Charlie Taylor, in his book Divas and Doorslammers, describes it as being like temporary brain damage - but the key word is temporary, and once the changes have happened, and their brains settle down again, most, if not all of these abilities do return.

I am not saying that this means you should excuse bad behaviour - but it certainly helps, if you understand why it is happening, in my experience.

Could it be due to him developing sexual feelings for girls (or boys) and is pondering on his DF’s sexual past. So he’s trying to get his head round this
Don’t respond at all imv is best.

His teachers at school and classmates also probably get similar treatment/attempts to mentally torture and confuse/disorientate/disrupt. It's one of the more annoying features in teenagers.

Don’t take it to heart.
He’s only 13

We’re all guilty of being idiotic and saying something stupid at some point(s) in our lives.

In my experience some boys are seriously immature in their teens.

Don’t let it ruin your relationship.

My DP has had 2 other relationships before me, one where he lived with her for about a year and together just under 3, then another 18 month one which was shorter and not as serious.
We didn't meet each other children for about a year, then it was done carefully. Moved in together about 2 years in.
I'm not making it 'about me' @TinyYellow - however it DOES involve me and I think I have a right to feel a bit stung by it. I wouldn't dream of being anything other than calm and unflappable with either of the dc, but in private I'm allowed to be sore!

Hes 13. They are silly at this age dont forget. Dont let it get to you. Hes immature. Not yet has proper brain function

Thanks @Lighteningstrikes - my DP and I have a very very lovely relationship. It definitely won't impact it. We communicate and work as a team.

Does he ever spend quality time with his dad or are you and your child always there. He’s kicking back and making comments because he either doesn’t like you or wants his dad to himself. As a child that’s been introduced to multiple dads girlfriends myself I don’t blame him. It’s hard. Let them have time themselves

@Deebee90 - you've perhaps missed where I've said I do, I make very sure they have quality time together. To the point where I've gently nudged DP and pointed out things his son would possibly like just them to do without us.
When he comes over he takes over the sitting room and generally the house which I have never objected too - even losing my seat on the sofa as I know he wants to sit with his dad. He has entire monopoly on his dad's time, which again I've never challenged when he is here as I am aware of what a big thing this is.
I don't think it's a case that he doesn't like me - as I've said we get on really well together generally, I'm helping him grow his plants he wants to do and he likes to come and chat to me.

Does he have ADHD? You've mentioned that this sort of thing occurs when he's 'hyper' a couple of times. When you have ADHD you do tend to say things impulsively without considering the emotional impact on someone else, especially at that age when overexcited. I'm sure it wasn't a personal attack on you.

@XiCi no diagnosis of anything. He is a very exuberant child, he can be incredibly quiet and sulky sometimes (teenage boys! 😂) but he can also be bouncing off the walls. He gets very giddy. Very clever lad but his schooling is slipping a bit because he can't focus when his attention is elsewhere. He is generally a lovely lad, but does have his moments!!

Everything you say just screams ADHD to me. My dd didn't have a diagnosis until age 12. They very often slip through the net at primary school especially if they are keeping up with school work. Maybe have a read up about it and see if anything resonates. If he does have ADHD the sooner you get help the better, especially if he is starting to lose focus in school.

When he comes over he takes over the sitting room and generally the house which I have never objected too - even losing my seat on the sofa as I know he wants to sit with his dad. He has entire monopoly on his dad's time, which again I've never challenged when he is here as I am aware of what a big thing this is.

OK so this is going too far and you are giving him the wrong message OP. No child should be allowed to take over the household. No wonder he's starting to flex his power muscles, as you have given too much away, even if with good intentions. Would you let your similar aged DS do this? It's fine to have some boundaries in place where he has access to time with his Dad and to sit with him on the sofa, just not ALL the time and 'entirely'.

He won't respect you as his fathers partner and as an adult in his life if you keep being subservient like this. It's your home too (and your son's- you don't even mention him or their relationship. You are his father's chosen partner. You need to carefully but firmly make clear what is and isn't OK to say to and about you. Your DP also needs to step in quickly (not 3 hours later) when it gets out of hand. If DSS is hyper then DP needs to deal with that, it's not a get out of jail free card for rudeness.

Otherwise you are creating a egocentric monster and not doing him any favours. Yes he's a teenager and lots of what pp's said about cognitive development is true, but that's no different to parenting toddlers. It's the job of a parent (and Step-P) to guide and support kids through the tricky times of growing up whatever age they are. You wouldn't let a toddler get away with being rude or getting control of the house would you, as you know it's bad for their development.

@Gerwurtztraminer it's something I have struggled with a bit, he is very attached to his dad and if we are walking together will come in between us. He likes to have his attention. His dad has eternal parental guilt for not being the resident parent and because he's not here all the time I don't like to cause a fuss! DP does pull him up on things (he'd have permanent YouTube on the tv if allowed!) but it does irk me the way he gets in and immediately takes over!