Emotional affair at work

CKing1982 · 2024-04-02T07:05:03+00:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently and can't help coming to the conclusion I may be having an emotional affair if there is such a thing. I have no connection with DH and have been struggling with this for years. Recently I spilled all this to my boss because I wasn't myself at work. We've always been close at work since I started working there a few years ago and he is someone I naturally get on well with. We're about the same age and have kids who are the same age and have a lot of shared interested. I realized a while ago that I have feelings for him but have to remain professional. I get the feeling he feels the same. I don't think either of us will take the step to have an affair. He always says that he has to have professional boundaries in place with staff and does distance himself from staff very well. I totally agree with that. But are we having an emotional affair if I am spilling my secrets to him? I've also caught him at a low moment too recently and had to support him. It feels like we are relying on each other for the emotional connection I don't have at home.

CrapBucket · 02/04/2024 08:08

If you feel like you are…. You probably are. The best thing to do is to decide what to do about your marriage. Ignore whatever you feel about your boss. And if you need to rely on friends, make sure they are ones you don’t fancy.

Mrsttcno1 · 02/04/2024 08:10

Obviously it depends on the situation and your feelings towards him, but personally I wouldn’t say that confiding in somebody at work about your problems automatically = emotional affair? And I also don’t think that supporting someone at work when they are caught at a low point automatically = emotional affair?

Only you know though what your intentions are.

Didimum · 02/04/2024 08:52

You fancy him and are investing your time and emotion in him, so yes. Do your children and you’d husband a favour and either sort your marriage out or divorce.

Aliceal · 02/04/2024 09:35

You are both confiding in each other on personal topics. It’s opening a door to potentially more.

It’s good you can see it before it gets out of hand. I would say now is the time to step back from the boss and stick to talking about work related matters only.

Have a talk with your DH and try to figure out why you lost your connection. See if it can be restored or not.

CrunchingNumbers · 02/04/2024 09:35

You shouldn't be saying anything to your boss that you couldn't (or wouldn't) say in front of your DH. You shouldn't be being verbally disloyal to your DH, it is definitely a form of cheating. Talk to your DH, sort your problems out at the root.

Original poster

CKing1982 · 02/04/2024 09:56

Thanks for all your replies. I don't know what my intentions are. I've tried so hard for so long to work with DH and speak to him to try to make things right in our relationship. I can't for the life of me finding enough courage to get a divorce though. I guess I'm just crying out for someone to listen and take me seriously. That's where boss unexpectedly came in. He's so down to earth and makes me feel listened to. He's like that with everyone at work and is really respected by everyone. I know I should step away but finding it hard.

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DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 02/04/2024 10:00

CrunchingNumbers · 02/04/2024 09:35

You shouldn't be saying anything to your boss that you couldn't (or wouldn't) say in front of your DH. You shouldn't be being verbally disloyal to your DH, it is definitely a form of cheating. Talk to your DH, sort your problems out at the root.

Exactly that

I wonder how DH would feel once he found out about this.

OP, how would you feel if the roles were reversed with dH?

Trsut me, marriage is hard work and its easy to be nice/er at work as its not real married life.

CrunchingNumbers · 02/04/2024 10:06

CKing1982 · 02/04/2024 09:56

Thanks for all your replies. I don't know what my intentions are. I've tried so hard for so long to work with DH and speak to him to try to make things right in our relationship. I can't for the life of me finding enough courage to get a divorce though. I guess I'm just crying out for someone to listen and take me seriously. That's where boss unexpectedly came in. He's so down to earth and makes me feel listened to. He's like that with everyone at work and is really respected by everyone. I know I should step away but finding it hard.

It is always easier to put right problems in a marriage BEFORE infidelity than it is after it. You are crossing boundaries already. Next it will be a quick coffee "just to chat, what's the harm"..or a "lunch because we couldn't talk properly in the office". Affairs - physical or emotional - cause deep trauma. Don't take this route. Ever.

Mrsttcno1 · 02/04/2024 10:06

Do you have a support network outside of work/family OP? Do you have close friends, a best friend you could talk to or lean on instead?

I do appreciate what other posters are saying about not talking to others about issues within your marriage but I think realistically it is not uncommon or harmful to need to chat things through with someone. It’s just a case of having an appropriate person to do that with. My best friends & I all lean on each other, sometimes we just need a little winge or for someone else to tell us that actually yeah that’s a bit rubbish! It is completely normal to want to lean on someone for support, but you need to make sure the person you are leaning on is appropriate for that

Original poster

CKing1982 · 02/04/2024 10:39

Mrsttcno1 · 02/04/2024 10:06

Do you have a support network outside of work/family OP? Do you have close friends, a best friend you could talk to or lean on instead?

I do appreciate what other posters are saying about not talking to others about issues within your marriage but I think realistically it is not uncommon or harmful to need to chat things through with someone. It’s just a case of having an appropriate person to do that with. My best friends & I all lean on each other, sometimes we just need a little winge or for someone else to tell us that actually yeah that’s a bit rubbish! It is completely normal to want to lean on someone for support, but you need to make sure the person you are leaning on is appropriate for that

No I don't have anyone outside of family or work. We moved to the area just before covid struck. Have lots of acquaintances like parents of kids at school. But no close friends other than those at work. We are a small team of 6 so all get on really well and I would normally lean on one of them. They know about my problems at home and have said that I should leave give everything that's going on. I really don't think I can share the whole boss thing with them though.

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ThisJoyousTaupeCat · 02/04/2024 10:50

I think that you need to find a therapist to vent to and stop confiding in your boss. Pull back and be professional or move jobs if you can't resist him.

I don't know if this is an emotional affair, an emotional affair to me is flirting and confessing feelings, sexting. It's communication with sexual or romantic undertones or explicitly from both sides otherwise it's a crush or o
unrequited love. If he is just listening like a friend or brother but you secretly fancy him I'm not sure it's fair to taint his character and say it's an emotional affair.

Secondstart1001 · 02/04/2024 10:56

Needs to stop right now unless you want to break two families up. You know it’s an emotional affair and there is no validation for it. If you continue now, you know you are heading down a road of no return. By having this affair you will never be able to resolve your marriage issues as your boss will be meeting your needs that your DH should be meeting ( which is the primary issue here). Sit you DH down and give him an ultimatum if it’s got that bad.

MurderousCheekbones · 02/04/2024 11:03

Look...I have been in an emotional affair for a decent amount of time now. It's breaking me apart and I am struggling to regain my balance. If you can find a way to not do this I'd say get out now.

Original poster

CKing1982 · 02/04/2024 11:49

ThisJoyousTaupeCat · 02/04/2024 10:50

I think that you need to find a therapist to vent to and stop confiding in your boss. Pull back and be professional or move jobs if you can't resist him.

I don't know if this is an emotional affair, an emotional affair to me is flirting and confessing feelings, sexting. It's communication with sexual or romantic undertones or explicitly from both sides otherwise it's a crush or o
unrequited love. If he is just listening like a friend or brother but you secretly fancy him I'm not sure it's fair to taint his character and say it's an emotional affair.

Thanks. I think you're right that I need someone to speak to and see what that brings. Maybe they can suggest someway of reaching out to DH for the emotional connection I'm craving.

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Original poster

CKing1982 · 02/04/2024 11:50

Secondstart1001 · 02/04/2024 10:56

Needs to stop right now unless you want to break two families up. You know it’s an emotional affair and there is no validation for it. If you continue now, you know you are heading down a road of no return. By having this affair you will never be able to resolve your marriage issues as your boss will be meeting your needs that your DH should be meeting ( which is the primary issue here). Sit you DH down and give him an ultimatum if it’s got that bad.

I've tried that already, but I couldn't bring myself to leave and break up the family. It was just after that that my boss caught me upset after I'd told a colleague and it all came out to him as well.

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Original poster

CKing1982 · 02/04/2024 11:51

MurderousCheekbones · 02/04/2024 11:03

Look...I have been in an emotional affair for a decent amount of time now. It's breaking me apart and I am struggling to regain my balance. If you can find a way to not do this I'd say get out now.

Thank you. I definitely need to do something. Sorry to hear that you're in that situation. I hope you can find a way to pull through.

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MurderousCheekbones · 02/04/2024 11:54

Thanks. I think maybe it's too late and too long for me to ever get over it now. It's too real.

Don't let it get to that stage, trust me,m.

Secondstart1001 · 02/04/2024 12:34

@CKing1982 i meant you will break up your family and his if you carrying on providing and receiving emotional support from your boss as it is going to develop. The perfect circumstances are already prevailing here .: how long before a smile becomes a hug and then a hug a kiss then before you know it boom!
your boss might be saying he is maintaining professional standards but he isn’t as you’ve had to support him and he’s shown you his vulnerabilities. Boundaries are already being crossed. I do sympathise with you however you need to find support from another source. Thing is I think you will miss him in that way and I think you are invested more than you are letting on here. What are the main issues with your husband which is the primary issue here?

CrunchingNumbers · 02/04/2024 12:37

Secondstart1001 · 02/04/2024 12:34

@CKing1982 i meant you will break up your family and his if you carrying on providing and receiving emotional support from your boss as it is going to develop. The perfect circumstances are already prevailing here .: how long before a smile becomes a hug and then a hug a kiss then before you know it boom!
your boss might be saying he is maintaining professional standards but he isn’t as you’ve had to support him and he’s shown you his vulnerabilities. Boundaries are already being crossed. I do sympathise with you however you need to find support from another source. Thing is I think you will miss him in that way and I think you are invested more than you are letting on here. What are the main issues with your husband which is the primary issue here?

Some very good points well made here.

Annettekurtin · 02/04/2024 12:37

I don’t think confiding in someone and getting and giving emotional support is an issue in itself. It wouldn’t be a problem if it was from a female friend. The issue is if you fancy him.

CrunchingNumbers · 02/04/2024 12:42

Annettekurtin · 02/04/2024 12:37

I don’t think confiding in someone and getting and giving emotional support is an issue in itself. It wouldn’t be a problem if it was from a female friend. The issue is if you fancy him.

Agreed.

Original poster

CKing1982 · 02/04/2024 12:44

Secondstart1001 · 02/04/2024 12:34

@CKing1982 i meant you will break up your family and his if you carrying on providing and receiving emotional support from your boss as it is going to develop. The perfect circumstances are already prevailing here .: how long before a smile becomes a hug and then a hug a kiss then before you know it boom!
your boss might be saying he is maintaining professional standards but he isn’t as you’ve had to support him and he’s shown you his vulnerabilities. Boundaries are already being crossed. I do sympathise with you however you need to find support from another source. Thing is I think you will miss him in that way and I think you are invested more than you are letting on here. What are the main issues with your husband which is the primary issue here?

Thanks for your advice. To answer your question about what are the main issues with DH. We have no emotional connection any more and don't seem to be able to communicate at all without it turning into an argument. We haven't been intimate for about 5 years which shows how long this has been going on. He spends all his time on his tablet/phone and won't engage in conversations. He even told me he doesn't want to spend time with me unless its with the kids as well.

Over the years I raised all of these issues and how it makes me feel, but he just says he enjoys his tech, he doesn't need an emotional connection and that I am just manipulating the situation. I've said that I feel like I'm the only one working on the relationship but he says it doesn't need work because he's happy as it is.

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Original poster

CKing1982 · 02/04/2024 12:46

Annettekurtin · 02/04/2024 12:37

I don’t think confiding in someone and getting and giving emotional support is an issue in itself. It wouldn’t be a problem if it was from a female friend. The issue is if you fancy him.

I've come to the realization quite recently that I do have feelings for him on an emotional level. But I don't know whether that is just because of finally having someone be sympathetic or not. I don't find him physically attractive really.

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MurderousCheekbones · 02/04/2024 12:49

Mine started because some terrible things happened at home and DH and I simply couldn't talk about it.

I turned to the other guy instead. I really needed someone to see me and hear me and love me, and he did those things when my husband (also traumatised) just couldn't.

It bonds you to them in a dangerous way though. Be really, really careful.

Also, that thing about people becoming more attractive to you as you like them more and more - that's true too, watch your step!

Original poster

CKing1982 · 02/04/2024 13:12

MurderousCheekbones · 02/04/2024 12:49

Mine started because some terrible things happened at home and DH and I simply couldn't talk about it.

I turned to the other guy instead. I really needed someone to see me and hear me and love me, and he did those things when my husband (also traumatised) just couldn't.

It bonds you to them in a dangerous way though. Be really, really careful.

Also, that thing about people becoming more attractive to you as you like them more and more - that's true too, watch your step!

Oh no, poor you. Feel like I'm falling into the same situation as you. Was there a moment you realized it had gone too far or passed the point of no return?

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