Emotional affair at work

[CKing1982]

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently and can't help coming to the conclusion I may be having an emotional affair if there is such a thing. I have no connection with DH and have been struggling with this for years. Recently I spilled all this to my boss because I wasn't myself at work.

We've always been close at work since I started working there a few years ago and he is someone I naturally get on well with. We're about the same age and have kids who are the same age and have a lot of shared interested. I realized a while ago that I have feelings for him but have to remain professional. I get the feeling he feels the same.

I don't think either of us will take the step to have an affair. He always says that he has to have professional boundaries in place with staff and does distance himself from staff very well. I totally agree with that.

But are we having an emotional affair if I am spilling my secrets to him? I've also caught him at a low moment too recently and had to support him. It feels like we are relying on each other for the emotional connection I don't have at home.

Ummmm. Not one thing, no. A lot of things. A lot of moments. I don't know - it's been a long slow heartbreak to be honest, interspersed with moments of 'I could easily fuck you right now'.

40 hours a week is a lot of time to spend with someone you get on with, and when things are wrong at home, it's easy for that other place and other person to feel like home to you.

@CKing1982 your husband sounds very selfish saying that he’s happy while you have told him how unhappy you are. You are right to be unhappy, no intimacy for 5 years plus he’s said he doesn’t want to spend time alone with you. I don’t blame you for feeling sad. I’m divorced and was in relationship where there was no love. Don’t sacrifice your happiness for sake of children, they can probably hear the arguements and sense your sadness. I feel your marriage has ended really and you are sadly going through motions. I think you having feelings for your boss will lead to attraction soon… relationships are built on showing your vulnerabilities and you both seem to be in that place. My vulnerabilities are only shared with my Dp, he is the one I go to, the one that sees me at my worst and he’s the one that makes me feel better. I know he’s the same with me. We still argue and aren’t perfect but we make up quickly, kiss, hug and apologise when we need to. I hope other posters also give you the support you need and I hope my messages didn’t come across as blunt and horrible x

Thank you. Your words have been reassuring. I've never expected marriages to be perfect, just better than this. I've definitely learnt a lot from this thread and have some ideas how to move forward.

OP - you do deserve to be happy and you don’t have to stay in a shitty marriage. I was the one to end my marriage, it has been difficult, but fuck me the thought of staying married is a million times worse for me. Good luck.

Are you not just doing what friends do though, talking/ supporting each other? Is it different because he has a penis and you have a vagina? People make Friends at work all the time without problems 🤨

This man is just filling a huge gaping hole in your life OP, you're not really interested in him and if it went anywhere it would be a disaster. You need to get a counsellor so you can unload on them and get proper professional support on how to handle all this. If you have professional emotional support then hopefully you won't feel the need to rely on your boss in that way.

Completely agree with this, I am in way too deep with something similar and wish I could find an easy way out. Don't do it.

Solidarity @Cantstopthinkingaboutit4years it's really the worst isn't it. I'm sick of me really.

Thanks. I have booked in to see a therapist next week. I did suggest couples therapy to husband but he basically laughed and said we don't need to spend money on that and there's nothing they could do for us anyway.

I would normally say this wouldn't be a problem as I have always had close male friends, but I definitely have some sort of feelings for him and he is giving me the emotional connections I desperately want at home. This makes me think its something more than just an ordinary friendship.

Unsure where I stand on this. I think you believe it’s an emotional affair because you have a crush on him but I don’t think either of you have crossed any massive boundaries as such.

I’m the only female in our department and I’m close to a couple of male colleagues, we’re all married. It could easily be misconstrued as an emotional affair by an outsider but one of the colleagues and I do email quite a lot (using work emails!) and meet for coffee/lunch occasionally. We chat primarily about work, current affairs, politics and our families on occasion. I don’t have feelings for him at all, I’m not attracted to him thus I don’t think of this as an emotional affair. My DH thinks he has a thing for me so that’s where it gets a bit blurred, I guess. If he has feelings for me does that make it an emotional affair rather than friendship? I don’t really know.

Same for your situation really. Sounds as though you’re largely professional with one another so the lines are only really blurred by your crush on him?

Hmm. It's good that he seems to be setting a boundary because there is obviously also the power imbalance of him being your boss, but you also need to be setting the boundaries too. You have recognised you have feelings for him so you need to stop this now if you want to save your marriage.

I'm speaking from experience here - this is pretty much exactly what happened to me. What started as a work friendship led to me thinking how much easier my work colleague was to talk to than my husband and 'god wouldn't life be easier if I had that kind of connection at home'. My work colleague was single although I wasn't, but he also wasn't my boss.

Very long story short I have now been married to the work colleague for a decade and I was right that life is infinitely better with him, but the whole thing ended my first marriage. This is what happens. And if you don't want to blow up your life then you need to stop this now.

What a miserable home for your kids. You're teaching them that your shit non-relationship with your husband is normal, aspirational.
Do the decent thing and divorce. You can both parent your kids and be a better example to them.

Never say anything to your boss that you wouldn't say with colleagues around.

Agree

however see this as a catalyst that change is needed at home ?

Thanks again for all your replies. Really reassuring to hear your thoughts. I've got my first therapy session later on and really looking forward to it. Will be a chance to unpick this and other issues in our relationship. I just wish that DH would come as well to do it together though.
Had a big chat to a colleague yesterday and they reassured me that boss doesnt seem to be crossing any boundaries. She said he's always looking out for staff in a 'human way'. He's very cautious about the power imbalance but still has a human side. Maybe he's just being a nice guy and happened to be there at my weak moment. Either way I need to address my issues!

@CKing1982 - the man to whom you’re married has long ago decided he wasn’t interested in being your husband. He has no interest in fixing this and clearly doesn’t give a sh1t about you. It’s horrible to read. You no longer have a marriage and you may want to think about divorce. Remember that your DCs are learning from you both what marriage looks like. There was a lot of infidelity in my parents’ marriage - particularly on my dad’s side - and it eventually ended in divorce (when DSIS and I were in our 20s). But there was also a lot of affection, humour and shared activities between Mum and Dad and that was very helpful for us to see and meant we had those expectations of our husbands when we eventually acquired them.

I had an emotional affair I didn't realise was an emotional affair at the time because the friendship was encouraged my partner because he's not very good with emotional stuff and he trusts me not to have sex with another, which I wouldn't.

When whatever it was ended I realised it had been an emotional affair because I was devastated by it ending in a way I have been over romantic relationships ending. I had invested a lot of emotional energy into the friendship. Had told him I loved him a few times in response to him being upset or sad (this was platonic love to me and like I would say to a female friend). I had reached to him everytime there was a problem in my relationship to rant and he regularly was telling me the relationship was no good for me, which drove a wedge further and further between me and my husband. Sometimes I felt torn between committments I had made with friend and commitments to my husband.

But the biggest realisation afterwards was that despite my husband encouraging this friendship the fact is I would absolutely not be ok with my husband having whatever that was with another women. It was a very emotionally intense friendship and not appropriate

Since the friendship has ended me and my partner have been a lot closer. The friendship was damaging to our relationship.

If you are having an emotional affair I would back away from it as much as possible.

You don't need to give it a label OP. Telling someone you fancy that you're unhappy in your marriage is never going to make the finals for the spouse of the year award, is it?