WWYD? – Wife’s suicide threats

[MorganFreemansVoice]

We have had a pretty toxic relationship almost entirely because of my wife’s compulsive lies. The reason we are still together is that we have DC, and we both love her dearly. I am afraid to separate because I am very worried that I won’t be seeing DD as much, and also, I am very worried about leaving DD only in my wife’s hands, knowing that she has some serious mental issues.

I strongly suspect that my wife has some serious psychological issues, but she doesn’t see it and refuses to go to a doctor. I suspect that she suffers from a serious case of OCD and Bipolar disorder. She’s extremely impulsive and unable to contain herself, and she is a compulsive liar.
For example, I had a great time with DD all day in the museums and parks. Before bedtime this evening, DD started being playful with me. It took me some time to convince DD that she needed to go to sleep, but with some hugging and kissing, we got there after ten minutes.
After I came out of the room (DD and wife co-sleep), wife shouted to bring in the nighttime brace for DD because she forgot to put it back after the toothbrush. Once DD saw me back in the room, she jumped off the bed and said she wanted to come with me. As DD was in four limbs on the floor, wife grabbed DD’s pyjamas from the back and was pulling it aggressively towards her and started yelling that DD does all this jumping and playing because of me, and she’s going to kill herself one day (and said all this in front of 7yo DD). It was not the first time when she threatened with suicide.

How can I deal with this situation?
How can I ask MIL to help me with this situation, considering that MIL has never been helpful.

TIA

It didn't particularly sound like a serious threat from the OP's description. More like an attempt to manipulate/guilt trip those around her.

If the OP is concerned that she is actually at risk of suicide, then obviously he needs to take urgent and appropriate action to safeguard both his wife and his dd. That's not how I read it though.

It's hard to tell what's going on from the little information that we have here. What does seem clear is that the current set-up is probably far from ideal for the OP's young child.

Yes and I mentioned that possibility and said that form of controlling behaviour thrives in secrecy. So he should be telling her mother and professionals regardless.

If she has bipolar and OCD like the OP thinks then her risk of suicide is higher so she could be genuine. .

But if she's doing it to manipulate then it should be reported anyway.

I agree that the concerns need to be raised either way... but with relevant professionals imo. Whether or not it's appropriate to involve the MIL would depend on what she is like, what kind of relationship she has with the wife etc.

Just a hunch but If your DP had a track record of lying about how much she really spent you'd probably ask for proof too.

Ok, so you want out and you want your DD full time @MorganFreemansVoice What are you going to do to achieve this? how can you restructure your life so that you can have the child full time?

Yes, thats one possible reason.
I wonder why she lies about her spending

Well the OP wants to ask the MIL to help, despite her not being helpful before, so either she's the only family member he can involve or he thinks things might be different now that there's something serious going on. Sometimes in these situations if the relationship isn't good with the family and they're very judgemental or harsh then that can be even more beneficial than if they actually have a good relationship. The shame of their judgemental family being told can make them cop on with the manipulative stuff..

Good point. Considering she earns a decent wage of her own and doesn't pay for anything in the house, why would she lie about how much of the OPs money she really spends?

Yes, thats one possible reason.
I wonder why she lies about her spending

Thousands of women lie about the price of things where partners are concerned, especially if there is a highly critical partner.

OP, I will ask a direct question, do you think your wifes behaviour/state of mind is partly due to your behaviour, is she upset or angry with you ?
Does your wife look after your daughter every day after school till bedtime, and you only see your daughter at weekends.

Does your child miss you in the week?

Have you told your wife you want to separate ?

If she has bipolar then she could be a compulsive spender.

You also say you take your child to school every day and then go to work, they do seem like long hours if you never see your child at home every night in the week.

How would this work if you had your child full time with you, you have clearly trusted her up until this point to look after your daughter without your input.

As a therapist it doesn't sound like ocd to me. Bi polar tends to present as over spending when in a hyper cycle, not just lying about spending. She sounds maybe burnt out and more at crisis point to me. The compulsive lying bit isn't really a symptom specific to any diagnosis, it's hard without more info really but she doesn't sound well though. She shouldn't be saying things like that in front of the kids. Have you asked her how she is feeling?

I think...you are trying very hard to persuade / convince the good people of Mumsnet that your wife is mentally ill and thus is unsuitable to care for her daughter.

I think you are going to try very hard to ensure you become the parent with 100% care / custody...

I think there are two sides to every ' story '...

If it was my money, sure. But he says he asks her to buy things with HER money.

And if this is the only example of her supposed compulsive lying, I'm finding it hard to get too worked up.

I do understand the frustration when a male poster comes on and seems to be blamed while a female poster is supported. The problem though is that there are often subtle but clear differences. It's not as simple as "oh, you're a man, you're going to get blamed".

So often, when a woman comes on here she lists 10 things that individually are all horrifying to the outside world and could be considered deal breakers. But then says something like, "I know it's not his fault" or "These are small things but I just am really struggling to let it go" or whatever.

Meanwhile, a man comes on and makes some large statement about how awful his wife is (in this case - compulsive lying, possible OCD, possible bipolar) but gives no examples or very minor, not terribly big deal examples.

Also, often the women in example 1 include that their DH tells them that they're bipolar, mentally unstable, OCD, narcissistic etc etc etc so that's another reason our antennae go up in this situations (edited to add this paragraph).

And so our antennae go up immediately.

Also, it's NOT a blanket, "women are supported, men are not". I've seen plenty of threads where a man is given the same support. I've also seen way too many threads where a man's shitty behaviour is excused as ADHD, ASD or some other ND or mental health condition.

I can't help but agree, the cool, calm, collected husband who seems detatched by his wife's unhappiness, not actually wanting her better for the marriage but as a means to control the narrative upon leaving and paint himself as a victim, when it could be anything but.

Op are you aware of how many men actually do this when they have one foot out of the door ?

Your slow responses have me thinking you are not entirely sure you should have started this post as some of the answers may not have been to your liking.

Your slow responses have me thinking you are not entirely sure you should have started this post as some of the answers may not have been to your liking.

I am not sure how to respond. I was expecting the contributors to form an opinion or give advice on the text I provided, not one they just made up. Also, jumping to attack seems to be a favourite method for helping someone here.

So, you are unhappy and want to leave your wife, but are afraid that if you do your DD will be cared for inappropriately in your absence, and your wife may take her own life? Is that the situation? If so, firstly, know you are not alone. Countless people (typically women) feel trapped in unhappy relationships because they don't trust the other parent or fear they will harm themselves or the children. And unfortunately the idea people who threaten suicide never do it is a bit of a myth. Some people do carry out their threat, and while thats not the fault of the exitting partner, its still an undesirable outcome, the risk of which keeps many imprisoned in their relationship. Unfortunately there are really only two options. You either bite the bullet and leave, keeping as close an eye on DD as you can during your own contact time, or you decide the risk is too great and you stay. Have you discussed your wife's mental health with her? Does she acknowledge she may be unwell?

It appears though you are on the attack with your wife.

You clearly don't want to answer certain questions about the state of your marriage, how that decline has come about, how that has affected your wife's mental state, what has contributed to making her unwell, this didn't come from no where.

Many men demonise partners, we know, the profesionals know but it appears some don't, your post has raised alarm bells.

You obviously have your story and your wife has hers but she's the one who is unwell from this, just be careful not to destroy her, she needs help by the sounds of it, not a barage of people including her mother to gang up on her.

I am not sure how to respond. I was expecting the contributors to form an opinion or give advice on the text I provided, not one they just made up. Also, jumping to attack seems to be a favourite method for helping someone here.

Rather than turning it into an attack on other posters, you could ask some of the questions you have been asked. The act of answering those questions might help you to see a different side, or a solution.

Sorry, I meant "answer some of the questions" you've been asked. Although I guess asking them of yourself as an opportunity to reflect would be good too.

There was a similar thread here, and responses have been different as it was more clear. This one did raise alarm bells.

.https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5041802-should-i-let-my-wife-leave-and-keepy-daughter