Affair recovery struggle

[Solost24]

Last year I found out my partner had a 6 month affair. He told me after it had ended and he was afraid his affair partner would tell me. The affair started whilst I was pregnant with our 5th child ( I also have a child from a previous relationship). I also lost my father whilst the affair was ongoing.
I really want is to work this out but I'm struggling with how he could do it.
I'm still just feeling quite broken and don't know how to get over it.

Have you thought about having counselling?

I found out last year that my husband had a brief affair, and the shock was physically painful.

We don't have children and are working through it, and things are improving. It is much much harder than I thought it would be.

The survivinginfidelity.com website is great, for those trying to reconcile.

I did look at the website at the beginning, I will return though and have a look again. Neither of us have been very keen on counselling and he really doesn't like talking through things, but we might have to try just to move on. Thank you.

The site has helped me enormously, but we still have a long way to go - not least because they have positive reconciliation story's.

Just bumping this for any additional help.

It’s not going to be easy you go through many phases after an affair heartbreak anger ect it’s hard I moved on from it after many arguments tears anger still with him but definitely don’t feel the same about him …good luck it is hard but time will tell

You have 6 children! 5 together, and 1 prior. It's not surprising your relationship has suffered, anyone's would, I'm sure you barely have time for each other. His wish to have so many or yours?
Probably wrapped up in it is having an independent life on the side, I think you will find he never envisaged having so many either and probably prefers to work and spend time away from the home chaos than be as involved as he should be. That he's still been able to find time to be apart from you to have an affair, without you noticing, suggest he spends a lot of time away from the home as it is and tagged it on as extra. Maybe you need to change your lifestyle, insist he's home more and more involved with family life, given he created it. If he's got the time, he's not doing enough while it keeps you too busy to notice.

Why do you want to stay with him? You won't be able to trust him.

Thank you for the replies. He had been lying at work about needing to he home to get out earlier and was seeing her then so I hadn't noticed any time extra he was out. He did have hobbies that took him out and this is how it started.
He does help at home.
I want to try and fix things because I do love him and there's the children.
BUT it does seem a lot to overcome- even when I was pregnant, giving birth, losing my dad and the funeral he was still messaging her and making the time to see her. It's very painful.

We have been together 12 years too.

Like I said before it’s going to be hard …he needs to go above and beyond to gain your love and trust …sometimes it can work sometimes your head and self respect just won’t let it it is hard bless you I hope you can find a way if it’s what you want

Tbh I think there are millions of ppl who stay with a partner when they don’t really want to because they are scared worried about money kids ect …sometimes ppl think the easiest option is to stay but trust me in the long run it isn’t …I think you can do better and deserve better

@Solost24 lots of unanswered questions here like why he ended it? Is he genuinely remorseful? I’m really sorry this has happened to you and also the loss of your father. You must have so many emotions now and plus looking after 6 children. I think you need to keep him at home, let him look after the kids and you get some time and space to decide what to do. And this may change over time as things start to sink in.

He did end it - he told me he wanted to stay, told her he was scared and didn't want to leave the kids - so who knows what is true. He does seem very sorry though. That is pretty much my plan for the foreseeable, thank you.

@Solost24 as another thread on here has shown mumsnet has (as a general rule) no idea about reconciliation, what it entails or lived experience from women who have reconciled and are (generally) really happy they did.

I’m very tired of reading on here that I don’t ‘TRUST’ my husband, I’ve never got over it, that I’m lacking in self esteem or any other such bs from posters who simply have NO IDEA what a happy reconciliation looks like.

You’ve been pointed in the direction of surviving infidelity already on here and are clearly needing support. Mumsnet is not a safe space for this. That site is where you should be! Go to their reconciliation forum and post.

The responses may be slightly slower but they will be really wise and supportive! If they believe from what you tell them that he is playing you or that you need to consider leaving they will tell you. They don’t pedal reconciliation they emphasise ‘safe’ reconciliation.

The ChumpLady website always gets recommended for victims of cheaters.

Are you dependent on your boyfriend for housing or anything @Solost24 ?
Since he's demonstrably not trustworthy and a fundamentally terrible person, work on securing housing if you don't already, and financial independence.

I truly believe that you’ll lose a big part of who ypu are in the process of forgiving or trying to forgive this.

💯

Well him not wanting to talk things through resulted in the affair. So his way doesn't work. Just getting on with things leaves whatever conditions caused the affair right there still.

He's broken your marriage. It can't just be ignored.

And BTW, 'partner' with 6 kids? Do you own the house you live in?

I’m just saying it straight… you can tell yourself you’re in a good place…. But you’re not. You’re really not. Otherwise you’d never have that anger and rage because you wouldn’t even see the comments you’re referring to. And I swear I mean it from a decent place.

We don't own the house, it's rented. I am quite reliant on him financially etc and I think this does play a part into why I want to work it out. He doesn't sound too great when I write it out and read it back, but I feel so sad, hurt and confused.

Sorry I have simply no idea what you’re trying to say to me. You’re making no sense whatsoever.

You actually just seem to have the nerve to tell me what I am experiencing! And don’t tell me it’s from ‘a decent place’ it’s from an arrogant position where you believe your view on reconciled women trumps their own experiences.

All I’m saying is, you are clearly so angry. And you no doubt should be. I don’t doubt that for a second. But you need to, in ky humble opinion, direct it at the right source. You’re so angry! And I’m honestly gutted for you.

Ahh read it back and I get what you’re trying to say but I don’t say I was angry or raging.

I said I was ‘tired’ of reading people who are arrogant enough to tell me how I feel about my reconciliation.

You sadly backed that up a few comments later.

it’s so tiresome.

It also prevents women who are looking to reconcile from doing it safely as they’re so full of the idea they’ll never get over it, it’ll eat them away, they will lose a piece of themselves or whatever other bs people who have never reconciled come out with.

I would rather people took advice from those who have walked their path.

But I value LIVED experience over all.

What an unnecessarily mean and judgemental post where someone is seeking advice through a hard time not criticism on her lifestyle. Many couples choose to have a number of children because they want a big family. Having more than one or two doesn't automatically mean someone is going to stray. Find some empathy.

Sorry OP no real advice other than take one day at a time. Focus on yourself and you're are entitled to change your mind any time.