Affair recovery struggle

[Solost24]

Last year I found out my partner had a 6 month affair. He told me after it had ended and he was afraid his affair partner would tell me. The affair started whilst I was pregnant with our 5th child ( I also have a child from a previous relationship). I also lost my father whilst the affair was ongoing.
I really want is to work this out but I'm struggling with how he could do it.
I'm still just feeling quite broken and don't know how to get over it.

Yikes.
It's not viable to be dependent on a boyfriend that's out shagging around. You don't have any legal protections, can you focus on making your life secure, building up your pension, boyfriend can parent his kids and pay CMS. Pay him the same regard as he did to you-none at all.

I totally get what you’re saying . 100%

https://www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp

I found this website helpful and they had a free online boot camp.

OP, how sure are you he has ended the affair rather than gone underground?

Before you decide to keep your wagon hitched to someone who is happy to betray you, repeatedly lie to you, and do it all whilst you are pregnant and then when your father died - so at one of your most vulnerable points, read this, not the reconcoliation sites. At least then you will be making an informed decision if you choose to stay with someone so lacking in love, respect and empathy for you.

https://www.chumplady.com/the-basics-of-cheating/

Reconciliation depends on so many things. The level of deceit and betrayal.
His reasons for coming clean. Genuine remorse.Willingness for the cheat to work on himself and the relationship. Your self esteem. Your ability to forgive.

What struck me was that your OH wasn't keen on the idea of counselling. Fuck that. He created this shit show and it should be HIM doing everything and more to show how committed he is to rebuilding. It should be him trawling infidelity help forums and reading books on how to seek forgiveness.

I stayed with my partner after infidelity. He had a ONS. We had been together for 18 years and had one grown up daughter and two small children. For several years it was pure hell. I was a complete and utter mess, my self esteem was in tatters. I lurched between throwing him out and hysterical bonding. My partner dug deep and owned his mistakes and took everything I threw at him (quite literally!).

We are now 10 years on. Our relationship has grown, our communication is much better, in particular OHs. he was a head in the sand sort of fellow.

I also changed at lot. I am much more independent and confident. I cultivated frends and activities outside of our relationship. I made it clear that I do not need him. I choose to have in my life and should he fuck up again I will manage perfectly well on my own.

Some people say their relationships are stronger. I am not sure if this is the case. We make a better team now and have a much healthier relationship, but there will forever be a scar, and that's sad 😔

Your OH needs to be doing the heavy lifting if you are even going to consider reconciliation. My advice is to give yourself permission to not make any decisions. You can also change your mind at any time. You might also take some time to look at what life would be like without him. Would you be eligible for benefits. What maintenence would you expect to receive, how would you manage. Knowledge is power and will help to remove the fear of the unknown.

Also remember that this is about his inadequacies and not yours. I wish you peace and strength 💪

It’s impossible. End it now. I feel your pain, been there

Thank you everyone for your replies, they are all helpful.
It has definitely ended. I can see all he does now eg phone, tablet etc. He comes straight home and is not doing any hobbies outside of home. Through mutual friends, the ow now absolutely hates him anyway for all his lies and behaviour, so I don't think she'd have him and as he ended it, I don't think he wants her.
We will have another talk about counselling and I will look at some of the links.
I will also try and see where I stand if it does all end and I can't get over it.
Why do they do it? What's the point of all this huge mess if he didn't want her and wanted to stay with his family?

They do it for a multitude of reasons but they’re all entrenched in selfishness and entitlement.

Many just love the ego kibbles and validation. For some (with addictive personalities) I think the chemical surges almost make it another bottle or another drug, for some I think they enjoy the power play and control, for some it’s an extension of their abusive behaviours, for some I think it’s poor boundaries that leads to lapses in judgement and then the cognitive dissonance takes over, for some BUT a minority (and I truly believe this) it’s genuinely a stepping stone out of a relationship. But none of these are acceptable excuses just things for him to delve into.

I think reconciliation at its heart is about how much the cheat WANTS to repair, how much they WANT and are DRIVEN to be and do better. You as a betrayed can not heal unless you have a partner who is willing to bend over backwards to help you feel safe again. But this goes hand in hand with some grace and empathy from the betrayed by that I mean not punishing but communicating. This is the part where the cheat must uncover their ‘why’ and that should never be directed at you or the marriage but at them and the way they move through life.

‘If’ you have that, you have a chance.

I am reconciled and really happy BUT I don’t think every cheat is reconciliation material and I do think it is a risk.

So as part of the process you need to centre you. You do establish what divorce would look like, you do establish a support network should it happen again, you do gain some independence, you do stop seeing your partner as some sort of hero or saviour (I was so guilty of this) and realise that you are the hero of your own story. That you trust your judgement and if it happens again that they would be gone. You will not be fooled again.

Trust can be rebuild but it takes consistent acts, being where they say they’re going to be, happily showing their phones etc. with time the need for these acts diminish. I trust my husband as much as I’d trust anyone after what happened to me. I was changed by the affair not damaged. I was blindly trusting I’m now pragmatic, I actually don’t think that’s a bad thing.

If I have lost part of myself it’s my naivety and my belief that other people are responsible for my happiness and security. I am responsible and the choice I have made to stay and work with my husband on our marriage is a risk I was willing to make.

It is hard to let go of the shame for staying. That was the part I struggled with most. And that was the part that held me personally back. I had to realise that my priorities weren’t the same as other people that my values meant giving my husband a second chance. I have created many happy loving memories with my family that I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t taken this step and for that I thank myself for going through what was a long and tough process.

If you haven’t got a copy of ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ then do. Read ‘not just friends’ by Shirley Glass to understand motivations.

What you need to establish first is the commitment and remorse from your husband because if that is not there there then you don’t have any hope of reconciliation.

I will add that you are genuinely at the start of your healing process. It took me the expected 5 years. The first 2 were HARD. But there were many wonderful moments and laughter that I recall too. It wasn’t just pain.

I knew I could leave this reconciliation at any point, after all he had broken the marriage not me.

You absolutely don’t have to stay, a decision to reconcile is a decision to try ‘at the moment’. Time will tell if he has it in him to be a safe partner and you someone who can, not forgive (hate the idea we have to forgive the unforgiveable), but accept and move forward from what has happened within the fabric of your marriage.

Quite frankly, you have bigger fish to fry than your partner's infidelity. 6 kids, not married, seemingly no assets of your own and financially dependent on someone who cheats and altogether doesn't have your back.

What's done is done, but can you focus on how you can get out of this messy situation. Seriously, what WILL you do if you end up on your own?

Well said really good advice

I understand what people are saying, but obviously I didn't think he would cheat, so wasn't worried about the situation before. It makes me sound daft, but my family felt safe before. I will find ways of standing on my own feet now of course.

@Solost24 no one is blaming you for trusting your partner, trust is a normal part of a relationship and hurt is the price we pay when the other betrays us. Sending you much love x

The responses about reconciliation on here are spot on. It’s often something you don’t hear about because so many affairs are dealt with privately and you only hear about the ones who ended in the marriage ending and the partner leaving.
I will only add what helped me so much and that was Dr Kathy Nickerson - she’s on instagram and TikTok. Her videos are spot on and show all sides, how it happened, common things like intrusive thoughts, and how to work through it. Her book is also excellent (the courage this stay) and worth a read for both you and your partner - as painful as it may be, you need to start with a full disclosure, best guided by a therapist trained in betrayal but really, not many cheaters what to face up to themselves in front of someone else, so may just start with her book.
in there there’s a whole structure of questions you can ask and he can answer - get him to sit himself down and write out his answers to you. To begin with we all want the the answers of the details, the we realise it’s all it the how did this happen.

I found her advice the best for me and my husband. Our therapist also said that we should put the marriage on probation for a few months, then no pressure to decide anything. That was a great tip, then revisit where you are in three months or so.

it’s a long journey but you will be ok.

I am very sorry this happened to you, particularly when pregnant and losing your Father. It must be such a blow of grief when you are coping with so many children on top of trying to look after yourself.

I have another thread on here as I am struggling myself with affair reconciliation, but I am five years down the road. However I thought maybe these thoughts would be helpful for you:

Despite my sad situation, I don't think reconciliation is a bad idea, but I think it boils down to one singular factor (providing both partners truly want to save the relationship) and that is whether or not you can live with it.

There's ingredients that make it work, but fundamentally it's about whether the specific details are ones you, personally, can actually live with. Sometimes there might be things that would make it just impossible for you to get over and be happy.

So I think the starting point should be a full confession from the cheating partner with completely honesty and transparency, so the injured partner can knows what it is they are being asked to heal from and can decide whether they think that is something they might find possible.

That is sometimes easier said than done, because - well - cheaters lie! So maybe have a think about whether you feel you have had the full details or not. And if you feel you haven't - ask for them.

Once the choice is made to try, here is what I think from my experience:

ESSENTIALS

• Both of you must be willing to do the work (counselling and so on)
• There has to be total honesty and transparency on his side
• He has to be able to answer any questions you have for as long as needed
• He has to be willing to provide empathy and support
• He has to never, ever have contact with the OW again
• He has to figure out why he did it, and show he's changed it

Maybe there is more, but without those things I think it's very hard.