Fallen out w sibling but not sure why

[adlibby]

Sibling and I have always been quite close and very much our go to people within our family.

We've enjoyed spending time together and have appreciated each others support in our lives.

I've always been glad to have them and proud of their accomplishments.

Sadly this has changed recently. I'm not sure what has happened to cause it.

My home has always been the go to spot for family gatherings. We're fortunate that we have a lot of space and like to host so it's always worked well.

More recently my sibling has turned up unannounced in several occasions, which is perfectly fine, and then been quite chippy and hostile to me. If I say black they say who the type thing. Sly comments about my parenting etc.

This came to a head a few months ago when they were overtly rude to me on my birthday. I finally snapped and asked what exactly their problem was while everyone was there.

This has led to them taking the injured party role as they've always been rude to me/DH when it's just been us.

We've seen them for another family gathering this weekend and they hardly spoke to us.

I'm so sad and completely baffled at what's caused this. I know we can rub each other up the wrong way sometimes but this behaviour is unprecedented. They're excluding us from any news they have and from any updates on their child.

I'm at the point where I'm ready to tell them to consider our relationship done. I honestly can't think of anything I've done to be treated so poorly and I'm not prepared to grovel to them.

Any advice?

Any go between in the family who may be able to tell you what their problem is?

Unfortunately not. I'm usually the go between when there are family disputes.

DM isn't getting involved but that's expected as sibling can do no wrong. Even when she witnessed their rudeness on my birthday she made excuses for them.

Is it that you're, in their eyes, becoming the 'golden child' who always hosts, has bigger home, never finds fault? Your sibling might be a tad jealous of you.
Turning up unannounced and then picking an argument is weird. It's as though they are trying to engineer a situation where you bite back and they can then do the 'oh woe is me, nasty sibling, I'm not going to play with them any more' thing.
I think you've both grown into different people over time, as happens, and your sibling isn't too happy with how things are shaking out. Did they expect to be the go-to hostess for family gatherings? Or to be the centre of attention with new child or something? Something hasn't happened for them in their life and I think they're taking it out on you.

Perhaps jealousy is part of it, I'd like to think not though.

DH and I do well (not anytime crazy) however we have both worked incredibly hard, but yes from outside we do have a nice life.

A big reason we host a lot is because family is important to us and we realise we're fortunate and want to share that with others.

I'd give my sibling/family anything if I had it to give.

It would be nice not to be the only host too. I've got three small children and would love someone else to take a turn. No one else volunteers and we'd never be as one big unit with me organising.

I think they're only seeing the upside of my role. Not the phone calls from relatives to share their worries and ailments and the list of things that are pushed at me to help with.

Interesting last post OP. You say you can't see why they'd be jealous, but you haven't told us what sibling's circumstances are. And you are clear that you've done well in life - albeit modestly well. If sibling has done less well that, in itself, is often enough for the envy to manifest. So your nice life - husband, children, house etc - how does it actually compare to your sister's? Oh! just checked back - you are withholding whether sib is male or female? Any reason for this?

So this person is the golden child but hasn't done as well as another child in the family? It's not hard to see what's going on.

@determinedtomakethiswork I know that's how it looks but it's never been like this. We've always been happy for each others successes, or so I'd thought.

My sibling has a nice life too, lovely home, good job, great family life. I'm honestly delighted for them.

If they were jealous I assumed if would've shown before. This has started suddenly but there's been no catalyst as far as I can see. It's just for no reason which is what I find perplexing.

If they were jealous I assumed if would've shown before. This has started suddenly but there's been no catalyst as far as I can see. It's just for no reason which is what I find perplexing.
People change, people are not rational, people have deep unconscious stuff going on that they often (almost always really) don't fully understand themselves. You sound like you don't know this?

I know and appreciate this @heldinadream but for me, and I had assumed my sibling too, it would take something remarkable to take us from a close, loving relationship to being like strangers.

This has been a case of absolutely everything being fine. Us having a happy companionable time together to I now feel like they hate me.

If they were resentful or jealous of me I surely would have picked up on something. We were very close. It's been 0 to 100 out of nowhere

Well, all I can say is never assume, no matter how close you are to someone. People are very very complex, and the closer you are the more likely you are to be in the line of fire when shit arises. As to what you do about it, there are choices from trying to sit and talk and delve and find out what (she thinks) is going on to backing right off and hoping things change sometime (they might or might not). There's no right way. If you're finding her (sorry, still don't know but can't help seeing this sib as a sister) really difficult there's no shame in avoiding her in order to make your life less stressful.
You could write to her and ask for further info? No guarantees you'll get a reply though, or if you do if it'll be helpful or illuminating. Is sib younger? How much younger? Or older?

Maybe something is wrong at home? Or whilst you've had the neverending list of ailments, they've had a constant 'Why can't you be more like adlibby, adlibby's DC does this, why doesn't yours, adlibby thinks that your DC is.., adlibby says that..., adlibby would never do that, adlibby would..., adlibby's never really liked you, she did this to you when you were nine, adlibby doesn't want anybody else to host because she says your house is...'?

I know that my older half sister was practically perfect in every way and so were her children, her husband, her home, her job, the kids' schools, their educational attainment, their appearance, their activities, their dog, their holidays and one of my half brothers maintained his godlike status throughout duty calls, up to and including when he had an affair and left his wife and children. I, however, was portrayed to them as a demented incompetent, inadequate in every way and my children were equally disappointing whilst we lived in a hovel, etc, etc. And that the glorious siblings never liked me, didn't want anything to do with me and I shouldn't contact them.

So after an argument you are prepared to go no contact ?
what was it they did that was so bad that you pulled them up in front of everyone?

maybe they are having problems or unhappy about something- you won’t know until you have a non confrontational heart to heart

Tbh it doesn’t really sound like a fall out about much - can’t you just move on and if they are being prickly they will probably just get over it

There are bigger things that happen in life and it sounds like you have previously appreciated your sibling

Going NC wouldn't be my first choice but I can't tolerate their behaviour any more as much as I love them.

I've let it slide for some time and gave the benefit of the doubt as we all have stuff going on.

The last exchange that caused me to snap back was them coming to my home, on my birthday and speaking to me like something they'd scraped off their shoe for no more reason than they felt like it.

There has been a progression from subtle digs to outright rudeness.

I have mentioned their behaviour to another relative who has mentioned siblings has become very big for their boots and is also rude to them too.

You may have missed my question OP. Younger or older sib? My sense is younger but obviously I am just guessing.
And what's the age gap? And are there other sibs and how do they fit in to it all?

If your sibling is female and a certain age, chances are they've lost their 'give a eff' filter. Otherwise, if everyone is finding them rude, could it be something physiological?

No other siblings. Just the two of us. I'm the eldest by four years

Maybe you are the one feeling slighted by your DS? From your last post this is what it sounds like. They are perhaps tired of being treated as second class by you and have decided no longer to put up with it. Could this be the case OP?
"I can't tolerate their behavior anymore...as much as I love them" ,
"I've let it slide for some time ", " I gave the benefit of the doubt".
Statements like these you have been making show you seem to think you are morally superior. That would put anyone off to tell the truth.

Your DM won't back you up either so she probably believes the faults are equally divided.

Frankly you don't seem very self-aware OP. It seems like you should do some careful soul-searching and thinking about your own past behavior before throwing stones at your sibling. Especially if you want to be able to keep hosting family get-togethers in your modestly successful home where you command the goings and comings and virtually all else.

But then maybe your DS has decided they have had enough of your superior humble bragging and are now distancing themselves? Lucky you, won't have to " tolerate this behavior" anymore.

DM isn't getting involved but that's expected as sibling can do no wrong. Even when she witnessed their rudeness on my birthday she made excuses for them.

hmm, maybe she feel your sis has a point or good reason for behaving as she is. Either you and your sis need a frank chat where you remain open to listening to her POV and try to make some changes or you call it a day on the relationship.

Why don’t you message them and say you’re really sad that things have become strained, you miss them and if you’ve done something wrong then ask them to let you know what.

I'm at the point where I'm ready to tell them to consider our relationship done. I honestly can't think of anything I've done to be treated so poorly and I'm not prepared to grovel to them.

Why does it have to be either/or? Both are extreme. Can you phone and speak one on one to try to sort it out amicably?

Is it because you’re hosting things and not inviting them?

@Whataretalkingabout

I have never treated my sibling as a second class anything and I'm not interested in hosting because I want to be in control of everyone's comings and going's. I just want to spend time with my family.

Its important to me and even with recent behaviour I would never exclude them because I hope it could improve.

However I'm not going to be treated poorly when I've done absolutely nothing wrong. I can't speak to them as they've made it obvious they're unapproachable for me now.

Ive examined past conversations and behaviours and all I've ever done is treat them with kindness and love. I am always there whenever they needed me for anything.

You can surmise all you like but I know it to be absolutely true that until this point in our relationship I was 100% in their corner regardless of what happened.

I don't want this situation but I how much rudeness and snide comments is someone expected to take

@adlibby these things usually have their roots way back. When you were 4 sib was born. When you were 6 sib was 2, and so on. They usually look up to you at that stage. Then they can get stuck in the looking up to you stage, and the pressure to change simply in order to become themselves builds up against the family constraints of being good and nice and honestly the fact that you've done nothing wrong can make this dynamic worse, because sib feels guilty at wanting to come out from under their admiration for you. All of which can be completely unconscious, all sib knows is that your presence makes them angry. So because they're angry they rationalise and see things in you that their imagination can magnify in order to justify how they feel.
I may not be explaining this very well (I'm tired) but I've seen this dynamic loads of times. Could there be something like this going on? I'm stabbing in the dark here! Still might help to know if sib is male or female.

Thank you @heldinadream that really resonates.

Where we once had similar thoughts on lots of issues it seems now they will happily go against what I know to be their core beliefs just to disagree with me.

This isn't to say they can't change their opinions or they need to align with me on anything - its just that it often come across as being contrary or making a point.

It can make having a conversation very difficult.

The rudeness is also like it's being done in order to push me in to saying something. It's so odd.

An example of this behaviour is I offered to make them some food when they popped by a while ago. It was met with a sharp NO and a filthy look/exaggerated eye roll. I was taken aback by such an extreme reaction to a run of the mill suggestion and in front of my children too.

@adlibby
PLEASE, please, please tell us if your sibling is a brother or sister!!!