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Original poster

Separated 11 years. Red flag?

30 replies

OneGiddyLurker · 01/04/2024 00:03

Have met a lovely nice man online and have been talking to him for about two months. We are building a friendship and haven't been intimate yet.

Didn't think a big deal of it till tonight not sure why. He has been separated from his ex for 11 years. Says they just never got around to divorcing and didn't want to go through the financial cost of doing one since they both were not interested in remarrying. She has been living with her current partner for about 9 years now.

I am divorced and have two kids and do not want to remarry as well but I do want a long term relationship.

Not sure if this long separation with no divorce is a red flag. But I also feel it's too early to bring that up when we haven't been together for that long

OP posts:
Ohffsbarbara · 01/04/2024 02:41

I’m not sure if it’s a red flag in itself - I can understand why some people don’t bother with the hassle of getting divorced- however I’d be wary of the fact he may still be “with” his wife and spinning you a yarn. I’ve just heard of this kind of thing too often and also recently had it happen to me. He said they were separated and living as friends but neglected to tell his wife that!!
I suppose you won’t really know for sure until you go to his house etc - if they’re separated 11 years there won’t be any evidence of a woman living there and he’ll be happy to show you where he lives.

I think it’s quite common for people to not actually divorce until they meet someone else they want to marry/are serious about.

aurynne · 01/04/2024 02:56

I've been separated for 4 years and don't care whether or not divorce happens really. I have zero intentions to ever marry again so an extra piece of paper is just more faff. Obviously if my exDH finds someone for whom it's important he's divorced I'd sign the paper straight away. My current DP couldn't care less.

Murpe · 01/04/2024 03:11

If his ex has been with her DP for 9 years, and there don't seem any holes in that story, the fact of them still being married isn't a red flag on its own IMO. Myself, I've been separated for years and years; it's sort of odd to remember we're married still sometimes, I just call him my exH. It's not a priority to get divorced, but I also didn't see marriage as that significant either - it was a case of getting the legals etc sorted after we'd had DC. It was the relationship that mattered (until it didn't, clearly!).

Nicebloomers · 01/04/2024 04:43

I can’t imagine getting into a serious relationship with someone who’s next of kin was someone else who would be legally responsible in the event of any major life incidences.

WalkingaroundJardine · 01/04/2024 07:02

One risk that comes to mind is that he could possibly be jointly responsible if his ex wife ran up a whole lot of debt that she couldn’t repay, considering they are still legally married and presumably no consent orders for a financial settlement done. She could also make a claim on his assets too.

ditzzy · 01/04/2024 07:07

I didn’t get round to divorcing ex-H for over five years after we separated, but we did have a financial separation agreement in place to protect us both.

I eventually did the paperwork because I was pregnant and didn’t want dd to ever think there was any mystery behind who her father is. Actually, I planned to get it all done before getting pregnant, but the first attempt got lost in the post so I had to apply for a replacement marriage certificate just to send it off for a divorce….

So, no red flags just for that for me.

HidingFromDD · 01/04/2024 07:10

He’s got a significant legal and financial tie with another person. Eg if you got serious, bought a house then his wife (not ex) would have a claim.

however, of the people I’ve known who separated but didn’t divorce, in every case there’s been a lingering emotional tie. I’d tread carefully

Coincidentally · 01/04/2024 07:13

I know quite a few people on that situation and when I from my exh I wansn’t at all bothered about getting divorced -it was only when his new gf insisted that he divorced me. Lots of people don’t bother as they don’t want to get married again.

Popetthetreehugger · 01/04/2024 07:14

My one of our DC is still married to the parent of their DC . They have moved on and have another child with a new partner. It’s all very amicable and will be rubber stamped when all parties are in a financial position to sever ties . For these , the driving force is love and stability for their shared DC . My big but is if life unravels, they legally are a couple. So not a red flag but not something I’d be interested in unless everything will always be separate financially.

Fargo79 · 01/04/2024 07:20

I think it would be a big mistake to enter into a long-term, committed relationship with someone who is already married to another person. Marriage is not just a piece of paper, as people so often like to say. Marriage comes with all kinds of rights and responsibilities. Finances, pensions, assets, inheritance, decision making if your partner loses capacity: all things to consider.

I'm not going to go into details because it's not about me directly, but this has been an issue in my close family and it caused no end of problems and heartache. It left someone in a very precarious position and did not end well for them with effects that will be lifelong. It was all fine until it wasn't.

Having seen it go badly, there is absolutely no way I would get involved with a separated person who is not in the process of divorcing.

solice84 · 01/04/2024 07:41

I'd find it a bit odd
Im surprised his ex's partner also doesn't find it a bit odd
Surely all their financial stuff etc is already separate?
So a straight forward divorce with no financial issues is about £600 (or £300 each)

Lookingforhappiness · 01/04/2024 07:44

I'm not sure on this one. My in-laws (well FIL and his partner) have been together for 14 years & he is still legally married to my MIL in Scotland whilst he lives in England. I aren't sure why they have never divorced but I don't think it's a priority for them.
My partner is also still married and we have been together for 3 years (I'm not actually all that happy at the moment but nothing to do with him still being married and I won't take over this thread with it haha). I divorced my ex only when he had proposed to his current wife. I think a lot of people just forget maybe until they want to remarry ? Not everyone can afford divorce either that could be a factor.

letitlego · 01/04/2024 07:44

A divorce is £600 and takes about 6 months

Why can't he be bothered?

Very weird

NotStylishOrBeautiful · 01/04/2024 07:45

The emotional tie wouldn’t bother me. It seems like they’ve both moved on. The legal/financial one would. It’s not a conversation for now, but if your relationship continued (particularly to the point of sharing finances, a home, etc) then it will definitely need sorting.

MarieG10 · 01/04/2024 07:49

letitlego · 01/04/2024 07:44

A divorce is £600 and takes about 6 months

Why can't he be bothered?

Very weird

A divorce may be, but they are still financially tied until there is a consent order agreed and signed. For this they need independent legal advice which costs a lot more. The only time it potentially ceases to be an issue is when one party remarries.

FGS do it properly and then there is no claims years later like the Eco Energy founder had when his ex got £100k

Clearinguptheclutter · 01/04/2024 07:54

i wouuld panic. But at an opportune time say that I wasn’t interested in a long term serious relationship with someone who remained married to someone else.

i don’t think it’s that odd that he didn’t get round to divorcing but I do think it’s odd that his ex wife’s partner of 9 years is apparently happy with this

Clearinguptheclutter · 01/04/2024 07:59

ps have you actually met him yet? If you haven’t and/or he hasn’t invited you round to his place then yeah, red flag!

Clearinguptheclutter · 01/04/2024 08:00

Clearinguptheclutter · 01/04/2024 07:54

i wouuld panic. But at an opportune time say that I wasn’t interested in a long term serious relationship with someone who remained married to someone else.

i don’t think it’s that odd that he didn’t get round to divorcing but I do think it’s odd that his ex wife’s partner of 9 years is apparently happy with this

Would NOT, sorry

Dearg · 01/04/2024 08:01

HidingFromDD · 01/04/2024 07:10

He’s got a significant legal and financial tie with another person. Eg if you got serious, bought a house then his wife (not ex) would have a claim.

however, of the people I’ve known who separated but didn’t divorce, in every case there’s been a lingering emotional tie. I’d tread carefully

All of this.

Have seen this in real life with a friend . It’s a mess. Take it slowly and be sure you understand the whole picture before getting financially/ legally entangled with this man.

Bakerfoot · 01/04/2024 08:10

I have a friend who's separated but not divorced. To begin with it was becuase she was very "fragile" and he felt guilty for having caused the separation and didn't feel able to broach divorcing too. Now they seem comfortable with it, but TBH, I fully expect them to get back together at some point, not because they have some great connection, but because that will be the easy thing to do.

Have they separated their finances? That's the difficult bit, the actual divorce is simple and cheap.

Either way, you can't have a long term relationship with a married man. She still has all the rights a wife has.

TakingAMenopause · 01/04/2024 09:10

Nicebloomers · 01/04/2024 04:43

I can’t imagine getting into a serious relationship with someone who’s next of kin was someone else who would be legally responsible in the event of any major life incidences.

This. Unless there is a legal, financial separation and he is not financially still tied to the ex, I would run.

Divorce is not just a piece of paper. It’s incredibly important if you have long term goals of say, buying a house together, as technically the exw would have a claim on half his half.

Deargodletitgo · 01/04/2024 09:16

My DP is still legally married and has financial ties with ex, that he is in the process of sorting

I've made it clear I can't buy a property with him until he's divorced, and I want a form timeline for that. His ex is in a relationship, he is also still married with no intention to divorce apparently...but I wouldn't be happy with that.

I got divorced as soon as I could personally.

Burntouted · 01/04/2024 11:56

Allegedly this is a man, and this man is a stranger. You don't know if he's lovely or not. You two haven't even met..You two aren't in a relationship. (You said that you two haven't been together long)

Finding it concerning indicates a lack of dedication, commitment, and discipline, suggesting that previous relationships should be properly resolved before entering new ones.

If the cost is prohibitive, there are alternatives such as seeking assistance from organizations or completing unfinished tasks. It's possible they're holding onto the hope of reconciliation if better options aren't available.

Both parties might have a deadline for reuniting by a certain age. Refusing to divorce, even without plans for remarriage or other relationships, seems illogical.
There's a possibility of dishonesty, such as still cohabiting with a spouse while engaging in extramarital affairs. If his statements are genuine, he's divulged too much personal information to someone he doesn't know well, like an online acquaintance.

Your emotional investment seems excessive. It would be wise to disengage and focus on pursuing a relationship with someone who is completely single and unattached, neither married nor recently divorced.

SeparatednotDivorced2 · 01/04/2024 15:51

I'm separated from my ex. If I divorce him I'd lose any widows pension (which is more than mine). So we stay married and I've not taken any of his pension as he's worked for it and don't need it.

If either of us meet someone then maybe we will, but for now it means the pension fund don't benefit from us splitting.

Things aren't always black and white...

writergirl007 · 01/04/2024 16:38

Have you actually met him?
If not, that is an even bigger red flag. You can't be in a relationship with someone you've not met.