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Original poster

Boyfriend spends time with ex's family

32 replies

Maxine2710 · 31/03/2024 15:00

Been dating 4 months, new boyfriend is very close to his ex's parents, and neices/nephews and ex sister in law/her hubby. I have meet one nephew and we got on well, he was nice with me. There was a family get together this holiday, including his ex in laws and with another nephew/his girlfriend staying at my boyfriends overnight . I was not invited. Nor did he invite me to pop up for a coffee and meet them. I am feeling very insecure now which is not normal for me. I had already asked him if it was too soon for him, and if so I would of course stay away, but he said No of course not, so I have spent the holiday on my own, as I didn't make plans thinking that I would perhaps be invited to meet them, even if just for a coffee. He is great in every other way, and he obviously care a lot about me, but I am wondering if this ex family will be a problem for me, or am I over reacting. I have no family at all of my own, so not really sure how/when new partners meet family. We are both in our 50's. He also sent me pic/video of their get together having a good time. Not sure why ?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 31/03/2024 15:04

You can't expect him to just drop people, who are clearly very important to him, out of his life. You've only been dating for four months so it's still very early in your relationship.

You either except that these people are a part of his life going forward or you refuse to and therefore stop dating him. The choice is yours.

Whattodo12345help · 31/03/2024 15:07

Where is his ex in all of this? Will she be at these gatherings?

Original poster

Maxine2710 · 31/03/2024 15:20

No his ex rarely has contact with her family, she had an affair, not him, and they are closer to him, even though it is her family

OP posts:

Original poster

Maxine2710 · 31/03/2024 15:21

I don't want him to drop them, I wanted to meet them. I have no family of my own and would love to be invited to events with them

OP posts:

Newnamesameoldlurker · 31/03/2024 15:23

Hmm tricky one. I completely understand why this makes you feel Insecure and I'd feel the same. But it does sound like these people became your bf's family during the years he was with his ex and it would be a huge loss to sever all the ties. Its early days in the relationship so I would try to tolerate it for now and see what happens. The bonds might wane over time the more he gets embedded with your circle

jeaux90 · 31/03/2024 15:39

You have only been together 4 months. No way would I expect invites to family events etc.

babyproblems · 31/03/2024 15:44

I would find this such a turn off.. you are still in such early stages but this would be an issue for me. I might be inclined to say that he’s obviously a decent guy and maybe over time as your relationship grows and he builds bonds with your family they may drift.. but if that didn’t happen I’d be gone x

Dontbeme · 31/03/2024 15:48

I can see both sides here, it's unreasonable to expect him to distance himself from these people but I would also be thinking he's keeping in close contact with these people in the hope that he and ex will reconcile in the future. I would be very cautious here OP, I would be keeping my own support network strong and taking things very slowly.

Mydahliasareshit · 31/03/2024 15:52

I've been on the other side of this- ie I was the ex.

It's a very toxic dynamic. I had the very cheek to call time on our marriage (no kids, just 15 years together from young). My brother and his wife however, did not have the guts to call time on their incredibly hateful marriage, and took my ex's side as 'punishment' towards me. Still all over him on fb, told my young nieces to have nothing to do with me etc. I tried to talk to each individually to ask what the motivation was for this. No response. Beyond reason, so it was no longer possible for me to trust them with anything at all about my life, knowing it would go straight back to him.

It's a little coven of hatred towards the ex OP, none of them want to let go and move on.

Be really careful with this guy. My ex has teenage kids with another woman now and they still have their claws in. I feel so sorry for her and their kids having them skulking around instead of just letting the hell go 20 years on. It's completely embarrassing. Must be enraging for her.

Bobbotgegrinch · 31/03/2024 15:59

Maxine2710 · 31/03/2024 15:21

I don't want him to drop them, I wanted to meet them. I have no family of my own and would love to be invited to events with them

You've only been going out for four months. I wouldn't be introducing you to my own parents yet, let alone a potentially awkward situation with my exes family!

Burntouted · 31/03/2024 16:01

I see no valid reason for you to ever meet them...especially if things are as he claims.

It might be beneficial to nurture your own healthy friendships instead of seeking acceptance from someone else's family.
I understand your desire for belonging, but after only four months, it might be premature to expect inclusion in his ex's family gatherings. He values his relationships with them and may not want to risk any discomfort by introducing you too soon..or at all.

Be cautious and aware that he may be involved still with the ex. Everything he alleges may not be truth.

Trying to force yourself into a situation where you may not be welcomed could be counterproductive. While his connection to them is significant, it's important to respect boundaries and recognize that you don't have to be involved in everything he does.

Spending holidays alone wasn't his fault, as there are plenty of other opportunities for you to engage with people and activities. Ultimately, it's not their responsibility to fulfill your need for companionship or replace your own family.

Original poster

Maxine2710 · 31/03/2024 16:32

If he had said I definitely don't want you there, I would have made my own plans, no problem, but he said he was happy for me to go up there. So I didn't make plans. And I just felt sending me pictures/videos of them having fun was a bit of an insensetive thing to do tbh. What does worry me is he was married a second time, and he said his 2nd wife said why do you spend so much time with them, we are your family now - so I am wondering if there is an ongoing problem when he gets someone new - ie the ex inlaws put the boot in ? Their daughter married the man she cheated with many years ago. I did wonder Mydahliasareshit if subconciously it is his way of hurting he ex, by being so involved with what are in reality her nieces/nephews not his.

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 31/03/2024 18:07

Sixteen weeks and you’re expecting invites to his ‘adoptive’ family. Chill.

Rainydays332 · 31/03/2024 18:26

I would expect to be invited once the relationship is much more established, not after four months.

Mydahliasareshit · 31/03/2024 20:24

Maxine2710 bless you, yes it is a way for them all to try to prolong (their own) pain on to a long since departed person (who no longer cares about their idiocy).

I could have understood if, for instance, we'd had kids for the cousins not to lose touch. But my ex was just a guy in their orbit for two days a year at Xmas. At the time he didn't even like them very much!

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 31/03/2024 20:24

I know someone who is like this and l absolutely think ots because he wants to get back with the ex.

It certainly made me feel a bit odd about it but it didn't go anywhere so was irrelevant.

BirthdayRainbow · 31/03/2024 20:26

He said not too soon but then didn't invite you?

Original poster

Maxine2710 · 31/03/2024 22:16

BirthdayRainbow · exactly, but they know about me, I met another of the nephews last week and he was lovely with me. I asked how boyfriend how his ex inlaws would feel about me and he said they would be really pleased he was happy, so I am really at a loss as to why he didn't ask me just to even pop in for half and hour say and just have a coffee. They only went to the local pub the previous night, not a meal or anything. He is really lovely with me, caring kind, looks out for me, and we spend a lot of time together. Perhaps he just felt it was too early.

OP posts:

whatsitcalledwhen · 31/03/2024 22:42

I think four months is too early for most people when it comes to meeting the family, let alone someone else's family they are close to.

BirthdayRainbow · 31/03/2024 22:45

I don't think four months is too early. I met h family at six months but that was only because there was a family do. I met everyone at once! Before then there was no time. If the party had been two months in I would have gone.

Breakingpoint1961 · 01/04/2024 04:50

Never understood the closeness to exs family when you've a new partner, it's a sensitive situation to be treated accordingly, he's carrying on regardless of your feelings, sounds like you've been very accommodating too! Interesting he told you about his other (ex) partner who wasn't keen on it either.

Four months is not early when you're in your mid fifties, all that nonsense (kids etc) is done.

He knows you've got no family etc and he's sending you videos of him having a great time when you've not been invited?? Nah chuck him back in, mid 50s you don't need aggro.

Autienotnaughtie · 01/04/2024 06:12

Do they have children together? I find it a little odd hes infiltrated his ex's family . How long were they together?

Saying that 4 months is still very new and I absolutely would not be sitting at home waiting in case my bf decides to impromptu invite me over.

I'd think about whether you are happy dating someone who has a close connection to ex. )via family) . If you feel uncomfortable with it long term this may not be the right relationship for you.

ChristmasFluff · 01/04/2024 09:55

Four months is absolutely the time to be being introduced to the people that are important to eachother - because otherwise you don't get to see who a person is when he is with his nearest and dearest, which you need to know in order to judge whether or not to proceed into a deepening relationship.

I would generally see 3 months as being the time when it is either apparent that you are in a relationship, or you have had 'the chat' - and then you begin to discover how someone behaves when they are in a relationship.

The sending of the video seems the oddest thing. It's like he's really ramping up the importance of these people, and this may be designed to make you feel insecure - so listen to how you are feeling insecure, even though you are not normally like that. Your intuition is speaking to you here, so listen to it as a data point as you go forward.

There's also a type of person who likes to spoil celebrations for others, especially their partners - so if I were you, OP, I'd be proceeding with caution and ensuring I have plans with other people for the next bank holiday weekend.

Original poster

Maxine2710 · 01/04/2024 11:42

He doesn't have kids with his ex, but he seem a bit obsessed with his nieces/nephews from this marraige. He has gone to see one niece again this morning before she heads back to uni, even though I haven't seen him for 2 days and it is a bank holiday. He is supposed to be coming to see me today, but no idea what time now 🙄

OP posts:

Bobbotgegrinch · 01/04/2024 12:02

Maxine2710 · 01/04/2024 11:42

Again OP, you've only been dating for 4 months. Why wouldn't he be prioritising his family who's only in town briefly?

You're acting like you're engaged or married, but right now you're barely his girlfriend. When me and DP were 4 months in, sometimes we didn't see each other for a week or so, depending what other plans we had.

You seem to have very different ideas to him about how fast your relationship is moving, and that's something you need to discuss with him and see if you're compatible moving forwards. I think you'll struggle to find anyone else though who wants to move as fast as you do though.

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