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Original poster

I'm not sure how we get to the next step

35 replies

Blushingm · 30/03/2024 19:28

DP and I have been together 2 years. We both have 2 DC. Mine are 22 & 17 (almost 18) and his are 11 & 14

I've met his friends (but not their wives) and work colleagues and people from his sporting club and we all get on well. We socialised quite regularly

My DC know about him - he's met my daughter. His DC know about me but part of his divorce agreement is that I need to meet the exw before I meet his DC. She doesn't want to meet me - we give dates and she's busy and then she turned around and said she would meet me when his dc ask to

His 3 best mates and him have been close since uni so 25 years. The wives are all close friends too - so this is where I'm feeling kind of exuded and I'm not sure I should. For example if there's a BBQ all the couples will be invited and all their kids....DP will be invited as will his exw - but since she will be there (and the wives are all her best friends) as will his DC then I'm not able to be invited........I'm not sure how to get past this

DP apparently openly talks about me to his DC saying about the things we've done or places we've been but they've not asked to meet me

I love DP with all my heart - my DD likes him too (he's the 1st person I've introduced her to since exdh left 8 years ago) - but I feel a bit like we are stuck

His exw is very much in charge and he doesn't really want to Rick the boat too much atm as he's trying to have more access to his DC but she's flat out refusing -he currently has 5 nights out of 14. It's getting to the point where they might have to go back to court

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 30/03/2024 19:38

Have you actually seen it in writing that you can't meet the dc before you meet the ex? I've never seen anything so ridiculous.

Obviously she is always going to be busy so can't meet you as likes the control she wreaks over her ex.

Is he worth this nonsense? Because it is leave or refuse to pander to the bloody ex.

Elledeco · 30/03/2024 19:40

That's absolutely nonsense. She can't insist on that at all. He either calls her out on it or he doesn't. If he doesn't he doesn't want to.

Original poster
Blushingm · 30/03/2024 19:41

@BirthdayRainbow yes I have seen it written down - it's in there in black and white

OP posts:
Coldupnorth87 · 30/03/2024 19:42

Are you sure they are divorced?

BirthdayRainbow · 30/03/2024 19:42

Why did he agree to this?

Original poster
Blushingm · 30/03/2024 19:42

He's given her about 10 different dates and she just said she couldn't make any of them........then turned around and said she didn't want to til the DC show an interest in meeting me

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 30/03/2024 19:43

Coldupnorth87 · 30/03/2024 19:42

Are you sure they are divorced?

Yeah - I've seen the deceee absolute.

I stay at his any night his DC don't

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 30/03/2024 19:44

BirthdayRainbow · 30/03/2024 19:42

Why did he agree to this?

Mostly because he couldn't afford to fight her any more - his divorce pretty much devastated him financially

OP posts:
TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 30/03/2024 19:44

can he not arrange a get together. And include you? Surely they take turns organising bbqs etc. if she doesnt want to attend, that is her issue but it has been two years.

have you seen proof that the divorce agreement specifies she has to meet you first, as that is very weird? And why did he agree to that clause?

and have you proof he wants more contact but isnt getting it?

Watchkeys · 30/03/2024 19:46

Can you pop round to see her together?

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 30/03/2024 19:48

Blushingm · 30/03/2024 19:44

Mostly because he couldn't afford to fight her any more - his divorce pretty much devastated him financially

Show quote history

Be needs to email to say they
children will be meeting you on x date so if she wants to meet you first, then x date works for you. If she no longer wants to meet you first, that is fine and he will go ahead with the introduction.

saveforthat · 30/03/2024 19:48

Are you in the UK? How can such a clause in the DA be enforceable?

Original poster
Blushingm · 30/03/2024 20:06

@TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled I think that's the way it might have to be.

He's speaking to his DC tomorrow to find out how they feel about him seeing someone and if they'd want to meet. The eldest apparently doesn't show his feelings very easily but the youngest is really laid back - however neither of them found their parents splitting up very easy

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 30/03/2024 20:11

saveforthat · 30/03/2024 19:48

Are you in the UK? How can such a clause in the DA be enforceable?

It's written in there as part of their agreement - I don't know if it's legally enforceable but they both signed the agreement

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2024 20:15

'I'm bringing my partner of 2 years to the barbecue tomorrow. If you STILL don't want rhe kids to meet her, act accordingly. But from now on, assume she will be with me at events'.

He needs to grow a pair and send something like that. You're not an afterthought, don't let him treat you as one.

Original poster
Blushingm · 30/03/2024 20:17

Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2024 20:15

'I'm bringing my partner of 2 years to the barbecue tomorrow. If you STILL don't want rhe kids to meet her, act accordingly. But from now on, assume she will be with me at events'.

He needs to grow a pair and send something like that. You're not an afterthought, don't let him treat you as one.

but then everyone will end up on egg shells - the wives are all friends with her plus it would make the DC really uncomfortable too

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2024 20:23

Blushingm · 30/03/2024 20:17

but then everyone will end up on egg shells - the wives are all friends with her plus it would make the DC really uncomfortable too

Show quote history

Well look, do you want to integrate into this family or not?

Because its never going to be easy or comfortable.

There's a difference between respecting an ex and,letting her take the piss. And that difference was after the 2nd time a time was set for you to meet the kids,then cancelled.

People who act like knobs aren't going to stop just because you are extra nice to them.

And your partner needs to think about you, his actual partner, not his ex wife. Because trust me, the kids don't give a fuck one way or another, you're just 'daddy's friend'.

If you want to spend your whole life playing second to his exs whims, you're on the right track with this frankly, wet blanket of a guy.

Either he grows a pair or you should run for the hills!

BirthdayRainbow · 30/03/2024 20:32

The way the wives of friends are acting is also very silly.

jelly79 · 30/03/2024 20:40

Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2024 20:15

'I'm bringing my partner of 2 years to the barbecue tomorrow. If you STILL don't want rhe kids to meet her, act accordingly. But from now on, assume she will be with me at events'.

He needs to grow a pair and send something like that. You're not an afterthought, don't let him treat you as one.

Absolutely this!!!

OP I think you are being a bit soft here - you clearly want this to progress quickly so you need to both be on the same page. If you are staying with him anytime his DC aren't there but not mixing with his friends / kids by his doing then it sounds a bit one sided? Sorry 😔 I think you need to be clear as to what you want next x

Grendell · 30/03/2024 20:47

Does this wacky agreement end when the youngest turns a certain age, like 14?

He probably needs to take her back to court to have that section of the agreement revoked. He must have felt very guilty with the divorce when he agreed to something so bizarre - or there is some history there. Why would he turn over control of his life like that to his ex?

MiltonNorthern · 30/03/2024 20:48

He's being a bit silly to be talking about court for a 11 and 14 year old when he has them 5/14 already. Why would he want to create acrimony when they are getting old enough to make their own choices soon? In relation to the divorce agreement, it's not legally binding obviously, they are divorced, what on earth does he think she could do about it? He needs to tell his kids about you and suggest you meet. Once they know about you it will be inevitable that things move forwards.

Natty13 · 30/03/2024 20:49

He doesn't want to rock the boat so she wull agree to him getting more time with the DC but he's been pandering to her and she still won't agree and he will end up in court anyway. He doesn't put his foot down about this because it's the path of least resistance.

Secondstart1001 · 31/03/2024 12:42

I have been through this with my ExH. The thing your DP needs to do is put it in an email to her. Summarise the broken dates, suggest more dates. If she doesn’t she is basically frustrating the arrangement so therefore his kids can meet you. Also check with his solicitor but this is a time wasting tactic and she is being obstructive. Unless she can provide legitimate reasons not to meet kids you should be able to go ahead!

OrlandointheWilderness · 31/03/2024 12:55

Absolutely no way at all I would be meekly accepting this. You are his partner, he should have you at the forefront of his mind and frankly I'd be bloody offended he hadn't even tried to integrate you into his friend group.
This isn't okay. Stop rolling over and being a doormat.

Burntouted · 31/03/2024 13:33

This is your life as long as you remain.

It may be best to leave. He doesn't want anything to change..and perhaps is still caught up on the ex.

Your feelings and concerns aren't important to him..or less important. His ex and children come first. .will always.

His children don't want anything to do with you...most likely because he and the ex wife are probably still acting as if together, and you're not in the picture. .also because the split is hard on them and their parents may be given them hope that there will be reconciliation.

It's time to go. He hasn't made any progress or taken initiative. He's hiding and keeping you in the shadows...like a shameful secret.

They sound like two divorce people acting as if married still. They don't have to go to these affairs together..they don't have to see their friends together and hangout.

I disagree that you need to take a forceful approach to progress things. There should be no force, mutual teamwork.

He isn't interested, the ex isn't interested, and the children aren't interested.

Cut your losses and leave. It is highly unlikely that you will be a fully accepted member of their family, and blend in with their friends.