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Original poster

I'm not sure how we get to the next step

35 replies

Blushingm · 30/03/2024 19:28

DP and I have been together 2 years. We both have 2 DC. Mine are 22 & 17 (almost 18) and his are 11 & 14

I've met his friends (but not their wives) and work colleagues and people from his sporting club and we all get on well. We socialised quite regularly

My DC know about him - he's met my daughter. His DC know about me but part of his divorce agreement is that I need to meet the exw before I meet his DC. She doesn't want to meet me - we give dates and she's busy and then she turned around and said she would meet me when his dc ask to

His 3 best mates and him have been close since uni so 25 years. The wives are all close friends too - so this is where I'm feeling kind of exuded and I'm not sure I should. For example if there's a BBQ all the couples will be invited and all their kids....DP will be invited as will his exw - but since she will be there (and the wives are all her best friends) as will his DC then I'm not able to be invited........I'm not sure how to get past this

DP apparently openly talks about me to his DC saying about the things we've done or places we've been but they've not asked to meet me

I love DP with all my heart - my DD likes him too (he's the 1st person I've introduced her to since exdh left 8 years ago) - but I feel a bit like we are stuck

His exw is very much in charge and he doesn't really want to Rick the boat too much atm as he's trying to have more access to his DC but she's flat out refusing -he currently has 5 nights out of 14. It's getting to the point where they might have to go back to court

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 31/03/2024 17:13

I get what you're saying - I think their history has a part to play in him bowing to her - she's very dominant, he was suicidal at the end as he felt guilty leaving the dc but he couldn't live with her - she earns significantly more than him and there's no way he could have afford their house on his own - but you're right, he does need to be firm

He's speaking to his DC again today to see how they feel and if they are interested in meeting me. He told them about me about 6 months ago. My DD met him in January

I do socialise with his friend - we are going to an event on Saturday with one of his friends and her DH but it's never with his oldest friends with their wives as their wives are close with his exw

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 31/03/2024 21:39

@Blushingm I think your Dps social life is still embedded with his ex wife. This is also very confusing for his kids as they still do so much as a family … I hate to say it but they will probably see you as a threat to this and not want to meet you most likely.
as an idea, I do things only on my kids birthday with my ex H as my older daughter still gets really excited if we are getting in and she’s nearly 18! They are giving their kids very mixed messages and unless something changes I think you won’t be able to move forward.

OrlandointheWilderness · 31/03/2024 22:14

How's it gone @Blushingm?

Original poster
Blushingm · 01/04/2024 04:52

They had a good chat

They say they're not worried that he's seeing me and they're not worried about meeting me and they have no issues with it at all. We were both worried they'd not be very happy but that wasn't the case at all

OP posts:
IAmThe1AndOnly · 01/04/2024 05:30

You’re the OW.

Technically you might not be, but his friends see them as a couple, and he goes along with it so clearly he sees you as nothing more than the OW.

He hasn’t moved this forward because he doesn’t want to. Because he doesn’t see his future with you.

IAmThe1AndOnly · 01/04/2024 05:45

Blushingm · 01/04/2024 04:52

They had a good chat

They say they're not worried that he's seeing me and they're not worried about meeting me and they have no issues with it at all. We were both worried they'd not be very happy but that wasn't the case at all

So you’ll be meeting them by the end of the week then? I would bet my house that this changes nothing.

fearfulexchange · 01/04/2024 06:21

You will never be included in this social circle as there's too many people involved that won't like the change in dynamics.
You will either have to accept that or he will have to break away from the group and host himself to make sure it includes you.

Secondstart1001 · 01/04/2024 07:59

@Blushingm askids have agreed to meet them it’s time to go through the steps I outlined earlier in this thread to make sure you get to that point.
I do agree with other pps on here that he really really needs to break away from the existing social circle even if that means being left out.
can I ask why they got divorced if they still actively socialise like this? Surely there were bad feeling if it left him feeling suicidal like you previously mentioned? Is there a big age gap between you both which is why there is an age gap with your respective children?
I would say at this point you need to evaluate whether he does make plans in the future with you that are realistic and help you get to the next stage in your relationship.

OrlandointheWilderness · 01/04/2024 21:54

I'd be pressing on with this. I would damn well expect my DP to make it absolutely clear to everyone concerned that I was his partner, I wasn't going anywhere and I was to be fully included.

Original poster
Blushingm · 02/04/2024 17:54

Secondstart1001 · 01/04/2024 07:59

@Blushingm askids have agreed to meet them it’s time to go through the steps I outlined earlier in this thread to make sure you get to that point.
I do agree with other pps on here that he really really needs to break away from the existing social circle even if that means being left out.
can I ask why they got divorced if they still actively socialise like this? Surely there were bad feeling if it left him feeling suicidal like you previously mentioned? Is there a big age gap between you both which is why there is an age gap with your respective children?
I would say at this point you need to evaluate whether he does make plans in the future with you that are realistic and help you get to the next stage in your relationship.

They tolerate each other but having all been friends for over 20 years and all their kids being friends too then it is hard. They don't go out as a couple or part of a group it's more just big bbqs etc or Halloween parties that sort of thing that they end up being at together

They only communicate if it's about the dc and arrangements like parents evenings or school shows

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