How to deal with jealous sister in law

[L00k4m3x]

Me and my partner have been together for 9 years and in that time it has always been very apparent my sister in law is a very jealous person. The day I first met her she said ‘don’t you dare have a baby before me, you’re not allowed’ I laughed at the time assuming she was joking but my partner told me later on during the drive home that she was in fact very, very serious.

We did go on to have a child before her and her reactions shocked me tbh, she was actually quite pleasant. She had her first child 3 years later. It is only since we’ve had our second (and now pregnant with our third) her jealousy seems somewhat out of control. For example before even getting pregnant with our second my partner called her one day to talk about something he had found out about their dad. He said ‘I need to tell you something’ in which she replied ‘You’re pregnant?!!’ And after he said no she responded with a very loud ‘OH THANK GOD!!!’ I heard her on loud speaker and I was so shocked.

She has also made comments about us getting engaged before. Last year my partner briefly spoke about wanting to propose in the near future and his sister told him he wasn’t allowed to until she had gotten married first.. she isn’t engaged yet either, so how long does she expect us to wait?

Anyway fast forward to this year and we are very unexpectedly pregnant with baby number 3 and this time we waited until the 12 week scan to announce it (my anxiety has been very bad during this pregnancy for some reason). At the 12 week scan we were actually 14 weeks. We had a gender scan booked a week later and thought well, we’ll find out the gender and then tell people. We have 2 boys and found out we’re expecting our first girl!!

I was over the moon and told my family immediately. My partner was actually quite nervous to tell his because of how his sister acts. So he told his mom first and she reacted very cold, made it all about his sister and how she’s not going to be happy etc and even said ‘she will be very frustrated’ he has now messaged his sister and gotten no response, no congratulations etc.

I just want to add his sister is in (what appears to be on the outside) a very happy relationship, she has a 3 year old which she conceived on the first try, oh she likes reminding us of that whenever she can as she knows our two boys took a year each time to conceive. So it’s not like she’s stuck in her life, she likes to constantly remind us how amazing her partners job is etc all the time too, so why she is so unhappy for us if her life is so amazing I’ll never know?!

I don’t know what I want from this post really, writing it out has helped. Maybe similar stories of jealous family members? I’m a very anxious and overly worried person who convinces herself she’s in the wrong and I’m sat here a lot of the time trying to figure out what it is I’ve done to upset her so badly?

She sounds weird. I don’t think it’s a case of you trying harder. Just live your life and be polite to her, but stop caring about what she thinks and stop trying to build on bonds that aren’t there.

Oh dear. She sounds a bit weird tbh. Can she not conceive another child? It would keep her mind off you if nothing else!

I’d guess there’s some kind of loss or secret difficulty conceiving and she’s got defensive and then jealous. She sounds hard work I’d just keep a bit of distance if you can

@Abhannmor I don’t think this is the case as she told us very openly at Christmas they were going to start trying for their second in September this year when their first starts school. But I obviously can’t say with absolute certainty that this is true of course as it could be a lie. I did however find it weird to announce over dinner at Christmas in front of all family members though.

She sounds unbearable. I wouldn't believe that about conceiving in the first month, either. I would think she's been trying for a baby since she heard you were first pregnant.

@L00k4m3x massive hugs. This sounds like your SIL has always been the golden child and everyone’s tiptoed around her feelings and ‘needs’ to the detriment of others.

personally I’d be having less contact with them all if they can’t be supportive. This is a them problem. Your DP needs support and maybe therapy to see what’s going on and hopefully he can stop enabling/tip toeing around them.

Maybe a period of low contact with MIL and SIL is needed for breathing space.

I’m a very anxious and overly worried person who convinces herself she’s in the wrong and I’m sat here a lot of the time trying to figure out what it is I’ve done to upset her so badly?

Please, try to stop thinking like this. You must know that you’ve done nothing wrong whatsoever and her bizarre jealousy is all her problem. She’s weirdly obsessed, your MIL colludes with her and your husband walks on eggshells around her. This isn’t fair on you. Time to reduce contact with her, gradually withdrawing so that you see her as little as possible.

She sounds like a 12yr and very similar to my own SIL! All stemming from jealousy of DH and myself.
Her FB page said she lived in central London despite never living there. DH and myself lived there! She would tell people she owned the house she lived in- she didn't. PIL's own it and she pays a peppercorn rent! (whole different story!)

I could understand potential fertility issues later on, but when you first met 9yrs ago, its a very odd thing to say! She sounds obsessed or deranged. Are there marital issues, financial, other problems you might not be aware of?

Thank you so much everyone! You have no idea how much I honestly needed to read your responses today. I have been sat wanting to upload the video on to my social media of the moment we found out it was a girl and I’ve been too anxious to press upload worried what his family will think/be saying behind my back. You’ve all made a very anxious pregnant lady feel so much better! 🥹

Your in laws are the problem, not just your SIL Op, they put her first even in the most ridiculous moments_ they're getting another DGC and all your MIL can think is her DD won't like it. Even your DH's got a touch it, worrying what his Sister will say. Your SIL sounds immature and childish and probably won't change but you don't need to take it too heart, enjoy your family and ignore the silliness

All else asside, you're having this mans third baby! I'd be insulted af if I was in your position and he was using his sister as an excuse not to marry you.

@Pinkbonbon Oh don’t worry he totally isn’t not doing it just because of his sister! He is absolutely not on his sister’s side with any of this at all, believe me. We’re just not in the best position right now to get married, I think he possibly may have proposed this year (a girl can hope 😂) if not for surprise baby number 3, but he certainly isn’t not doing it because of his sister I promise!

If you want to get married tell him you want to get married! 3 babies in is too long to wait about for him to take his thumb out his arse and ask.
You could always have a small wedding and do something bigger once you have the time and dosh. Seriously don't keep putting something you want off because there will never be a 'right time' if you've got this far down the line and there still hasn't been one. If you want something, make it happen.

She sounds desperately insecure. If SIL has trouble conceiving that will hit her mum hard too.

This! I don’t understand this “not in the best position” when you have 3 kids, surely that’s the most sensible time ever to get married. Why can’t he propose because of a baby? Surely that’s exactly when most decent men would propose if they hadn’t already.

Anyway it sounds like the sister is having fertility issues and is obviously being unreasonable. That being said I don’t see how it’s really affecting you? Can’t you just say “haha ok Gemma” and then do your own thing, or if your partners mum says “Gemma won’t be pleased” just reply “oh sorry to hear that, anyway we’re really excited by our news”. Just don’t feed the drama.

Can I ask if SiL's baby is a boy? Maybe she is one of those that sees having a baby girl as the more desirable option and therefore she didn't find your two boys threatening. Now you're having a girl she is feeling competitive.
I have sadly seen this nasty mentality in quite a few people.

Attention-seeking, narcissistic topper

@SherryPort18 Her child is a girl, I actually think this is what’s killing her the most, the fact her daughter won’t be the only granddaughter anymore. I think if she had have found out we were having our third boy she would have acted completely different.

Get married op. Even if it’s a tiny wedding. You are in a very vulnerable position if anything happens to your relationship.

As for your sil I’d openly laugh at her ridiculousness.

Sounds exactly like my ex sil! We told as soon as we found out we were expecting our first (about 6 weeks) to find they were almost 12 weeks and were waiting until they’d had their scan to say anything, she wasn’t happy! She’s the youngest of 3, golden balls, no one upsets her cos she’s an absolute knob.

Just go about your life OP without even thinking about if your SIL or PIL will aprove,thats their problem.

Press that upload button ,congratulations

It's a shame the Mum is enabling her behaviour. She sounds very immature.

Ignore her, FFS, stop pandering to her, and tell your partner to grow a backbone. You do not give in to emotional terrorism.

Sounds to me like everyone pussy foots around her for some reason.

You and your partner need to stop enabling her. You cannot change how others behave but you can absolutely enjoy your pregnancy, shout from the rooftop if you wish. She doesn't have any hold over you.

Oh, and get bloody married whenever you want! Do you work? If you don't have your own finance independence please please get married. You are extremely vulnerable having 3 children without the protection of marriage.

Just a little update.. I posted the video, neither his mom or sister liked it. Nobody has said anything since either. I think you guys are right, it’s time to little by little cut ties. It’s not worth getting upset about.