Child contact

[CaMina]

He's taken the kids again and won't give them back
Regardless of the court order
Because I used a solicitor and he demanded I speak to him directly. Even with the degrading messages.

He's holding them for the whole holidays, against the court order, because I would agree to his terms. Even though it says 50/50. He said no. I will get 6/18 days and that's it. He argued it's because he "misses" his weekend with them. But then I don't even get a weekend with them, next month. Or if we count the days he's "allowed" me to have, I'm only having them 2 days of the holidays.

I just want them back

I know if I message him, he will use it to bully me and say I'm the problem and to try and talk me back to him. I don't want to go back but he won't give the kids back if I don't.

He will just tell me I'm the problem

He won't give them back anyway

It's always been about access to me, not the kids. I've tried telling everyone and they don't believe me. It's not because I'm special or anything. It's because he wants to punish me for leaving him. Last time his friend beat me up because I wouldn't agree to what he wanted.

I just want my babies back. I don't want them to think I don't want them back. I don't know what to do. He won't give them back unless I do everything he says and then he will take them in the end anyway like he did last time, and I'll be forced to go back to him again. Everyone keeps telling me I don't have to go back. But I wouldn't leave them with him. I will have to go back if I ever want to see them again. I'm not being dramatic. He's done it before. He even tried to get me to unalive myself so he could tell people I'm mentally ill, and said if I tried to leave that I'd never get the kids because of it.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

You need to apply to the court for an emergency hearing. I'd also ring the police for advice. If there is a court order and they should be with you, they may well help you retrieve them. I'm so sorry, I went through this too. The only way to deal with these fuckers is to go the legal route. He's breached the order and you need to bring that to the court.

Also did you not go to the police when his friend beat you up? Please call the police. Report the friend. Jesus Christ, you don't need to put up with this shite.

Ask the police to do a welfare check... Insist on this.

This.

also Last time his friend beat me up because I wouldn't agree to what he wanted. was this reported to the police? Do that too.

save all conversations / communications. Send to your solicitor. Get door cams.m if you dont already.

go back to court.

Missed this originally. Do this. Do not back down. But remember this is a dangerous time for you. Report everything to the police. Nothing is not worth the police time.

You need to tell the police everything op. They can't uphold the court order but his reaction when they call round may see them remove the dc for their safety. They may also ask to go back to you. He can't deny them that.

Police said it's civil. court order already applied for again, but holidays. Current Court order only states 50/50 for holidays, and neither parent can remove children while in their care. He made sure anything I got, he got, too. As I wanted the prohibited steps order because of last time. CAFCASS said I couldn't argue any of it.

He doesn't outright say. He just implies. like
Since she won't speak to me directly, I will be collecting the children from school today. Your client has had time to speak to me herself to arrange the holidays, and you have left it until last minute.

The previous message was, he needed 11/18 days to "make up" for his weekend. but then if we go by that logic, he has only given me 2 holiday days.

He messaged me directly.telling me I need to speak to him, not my solicitor. And I've got others stating he will not be negotiating with me.

I reported the assault to police. He denies his involvement. But he also kept the kids additional days and tried to imply I wasn't going tomcollectnthrm then, either.

Police said unless he threatens to hurt me, it's not coersive control. He just takes the kids instead.

I was told never to send police for a welfare check unless you are sure that.the children are in obvious harms way, as it will be seen as harassment.

I won't see the kids for 18 days, now, and that's if he allows me to have them back. He did this at Christmas, too, and said he "allowed" me to have them for the holidays. I don't understand why no one can help me.

Fucking hell, sorry, I don't understand either op, fuck fuck fuck.
He seems to be able to outsmart everyone.
I hope someone on here can give you good advice, already did the research and can help you.
For now write down every path he takes, every time, then write down ideas to take him off that path.
Get someone or more people in your house now to help you think.
I wish you very very much success I hope you will find a way to beat the mf.
Good luck. Good luck.

Sadly this was my life op. Until the 2 youngest were 12 and 14 and told him to get fucked...
Look after your mh is my advice. Lots of self care and sleep. I ended up 6 stone and ptsd... He is dead now. Been 18 months. The sense of relief even 15 years post divorce was a physical weight gone.

Did he let you see them? Unless I speak to him - but all his messages are nasty and degrading and high conflict - he won't let me see them. The newest one sounded "nice" and caused a panic attack. Because I know it's not. It's persuasive language to get me to not use a solicitor or go back to court, so he can continue the abuse. He still thinks we will get back together. Not because he loves me. He just leeches. He already stopped my child benefit and UC by lying and claiming he has the kids, even though there is a court order in place. I told everyone he said if I left him, he would make sure I'd go into debt. He would take the kids.

Everyone keeps saying to me "why would he do that" with the horrible things he does, like I'm crazy. They don't understand he just wants his toy back. I'm not a person to him. I'm a thing. Even when I used to cry he told me I was just there to serve him. Don't ask for help, no one will believe you.

I don't think I will survive this time. He will take them and I'll never see them again. I'll only be allowed if I go back and shut up. I don't even have any friends here anymore or parent friends. I don't have anyone. I'm never going to see them again because I can't do as I'm told.

Oh Jesus. OP, this sounds completely horrendous. There will be a deluge of responses very soon which will have excellent and knowledgeable advice. My pretty uninformed two pence is have you been in touch with domestic abuse specialists? Sending support.

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
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Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

I have women's aid helping but they can't do anything
It's the same with everyone
He can keep using them and I can't do anything
I don't understand how it's in "their best interests" but then he can talk his way out of anythint

Make a complaint to the police. Don't accept what they've said. Request to speak to a manager. This is coercive control, he's using the children to get to you and is financially controlling you. Don't accept it when they say it is civil. They need to do more to protect you and the children. Don't accept anything less than their full help. Say you're being made to go back to him in order to see your children. There's so much guidance now in terms of domestic abuse, they need to take your concerns seriously. Don't accept no for an answer. Hopefully, you'll get a good officer who will take your concerns seriously and help you.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I had the exact same. Took the kids at the beginning of a 2.5 week holiday and refused to return them. Wouldn't alllow any phone calls with them etc.

Emergency court order was my only option, and I think at this point it's yours too.

Does your order state something along the lines of term time contact is XYZ and Holiday contact is XYZ. Ultimately we had to get this line added as my ex also tried to keep his regular weekends alongside the holiday contact which sounds like what your ex is suggesting.

They said because he hasn't outright said it, even with historical abuse he sounds reasonable. I had their manager call me a few months ago and said they wouldn't pursue cases that were "too hard to prove in court".

Yes, it does. He hasn't followed either and keeps saying it's my fault and I agreed to XYZ. Which was why I wanted to use a solicitor. He said the holiday time removes his term time, and therefore he should have extra days. Except he's completely removed me even having one weekend with them, now. Let alone the whole of the holidays. He just adds on days. I told them he does thjs. Christmas was 2 days. February was 4. Now it's the whole holiday "unless you speak to me directly".

But yes it's exactly like you said.