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Original poster

LDR. In suspense. Reassurance not tough love please!

47 replies

Tezstar · 30/03/2024 08:01

Sorry this is long.

I am in a tricky situation. One year in to a relationship with a man who lives abroad but works in my country every other week. He stays at mine. I have never visited him, as he has 3 DC under 10 and a tricky ex (NB - this is me reading between the lines, he is not slagging her off or calling her mad, he's not like that. And they are certainly 100% separated - I know that. ). And I know it's normal to wait at least a year. I'd love to meet these kids. They sound great. He has a lot on his plate - stressful full-on job, sick mother, and he is a very very conscientious and loving father. We fell in love very quickly. I've always had total confidence in that, and though the future looked tricky, it didn't seem impossible that at some stage I would meet his kids and we would start to move our lives together. Always had great communication.

However - at the beginning of this year he had to work away, and his mother had an operation, and work became very very stressful for him. We ended up not seeing each other for weeks, phone calls got shorter and then bam, one day he just texted saying it was over because his children needed him. That was it. I am 45, he's 42. I'm divorced with no kids. The day after this text he called to say he had overreacted because he was so overwhelmed and spread so thin he felt like something had to give. OK - I thought, - he said he loved me and saw a future together, then said he still needed to think. OK, so I backed off and waited for him when I knew he was in the country. We met as usual, he stayed at mine, - we didn't really have a serious talk because I felt like least said soonest mended and wanted to keep things low stress.

He was calling and messaging for a few days after that as usual, then went quiet again. I now have a gut feeling that another dumping text is coming and I can't understand how we have gone from great communication and total straightforward love to this tense situation where I feel like one wrong move is going to make him Buckaroo and finish it again.

He has so much on his plate, but I've always been flexible and low maintenance. He is due here next week. I'd like to talk to him before that but I genuinely don't know if we're together, if it's over and he's ghosting...that seems so unlike the man I know. He's very serious. Work is his vice, I think. And compartmentalising. I think his lives in the two cities are very seperate to him. He said he loved me and sent messages afterwards saying I was beautiful, he loved my voice (from a voice message about a project we did together) that he missed me, that I was sweet to him... etc. If I read them back, I feel OK. He's saying lovely things as he always has. If I think that we haven't spoken in five days, I don't so much. Actually I feel dreadful.

So what am I asking? Has anyone been through this - dealing with someone so stressed they think something has to go and it's you? I think the worst thing I could do is call or message - he has his kids at the weekend. I know he has a lot going on, but I can't seem to not feel desolate. The only course seems to be wait it out and let him have space. It's hard though...

OP posts:
Candleabra · 30/03/2024 08:14

You said you don’t want tough love here, but what do you want? You know from reading this back how bad it sounds. No one can give you any reassurances, it sounds like you hold no power in this situation. Is this what you want from your life?

Humanswarm · 30/03/2024 08:17

For me, I'm sorry to say, stressed and overwhelmed or not, I would be able to find time to at least send a brief message to the person I was falling in love with and would except the same back. At this point in life I cherish clarity and am definitely not up for game playing. Life can be stressful, but we know our priorities. How long do you want to lead a life like this? Uncertainty for one but also sharing your life with his 'other ' life? Wait until his week with you and have a real heart to heart. Explain your feelings and take it from there.

ThatTimeIKnewFamousPeople · 30/03/2024 08:20

You sound like you have a lot of love to give someone - there is a man out there who just wants a happy and straightforward relationship with you. So you can stop struggling with this man, who doesn't want to straightforward relationship, and find one who does.

You feel powerless but you are not. You have the power to move on with grace and strength and find someone who can offer you a real relationship. This guy can't.

Original poster
Tezstar · 30/03/2024 08:24

Candleabra · 30/03/2024 08:14

You said you don’t want tough love here, but what do you want? You know from reading this back how bad it sounds. No one can give you any reassurances, it sounds like you hold no power in this situation. Is this what you want from your life?

I suppose the truth is I can see the writing on the wall but I don't want to catastrophise unnecessarily. His problems aren't imaginary or melodramatic - they are real. What do I want - well, ideally, someone to say calm down and wait this out. Or have faith or something. I'm completely disorientated by the change. I feel humiliated that I feel I can't call him.

OP posts:
BigBreaths · 30/03/2024 08:26

How did you meet this guy? At work?
It all sounds so complicated.
I would prefer a guy who thinks I am the thing worth holding on to when times are tough and who looks to switch something else - take a break from work or look into carers to help out with mum for example.

Upinthenightagain · 30/03/2024 08:29

Honestly men who dump you for whatever reason are never a good bet. He’s no catch with three kids anyway. Honestly

Upinthenightagain · 30/03/2024 08:29

I said honestly twice. Oops!

ElleLeopine · 30/03/2024 08:30

Just how sure are you that he is no longer married?

Tel12 · 30/03/2024 08:31

You need someone who will put you first and this guy can't do that. It sounds TBH as if he's using you as a convenience. Take control, you don't have to sit around waiting.

Workawayxx · 30/03/2024 08:32

ElleLeopine · 30/03/2024 08:30

Just how sure are you that he is no longer married?

This was my first thought. Sorry OP, it sounds really tough but it’s better to rip off the plaster rather than being stuck in an on/off rollercoaster situation.

Original poster
Tezstar · 30/03/2024 08:32

BigBreaths · 30/03/2024 08:26

How did you meet this guy? At work?
It all sounds so complicated.
I would prefer a guy who thinks I am the thing worth holding on to when times are tough and who looks to switch something else - take a break from work or look into carers to help out with mum for example.

It is complicated... he seems to thrive on keeping a lot of plates spinning in a strange way. Has never been flakey. We met through work, we do similar things, but he is more at the sharp end. it was a thunderbolt. we spent a whole night talking, then he pursued me - very full on and direct. We've been away together several times. It was serious and passionate and seemed to be a done deal. The answer is that I need to have a proper talk with him when I next see him. Get some clarity. A few weeks ago it would never have occured to me that we wouldn;t be able to talk about anything. My marriage was the opposite. - I was scared to raise things, I felt like we barely knew each other and the whole thing was an act in a way. This was so straightforward. He said it, Not only do I love you I also really like you.' Now I feel like he's snuffing it out, but very slowly!

OP posts:
Takenoprisoner · 30/03/2024 08:35

Tezstar · 30/03/2024 08:32

It is complicated... he seems to thrive on keeping a lot of plates spinning in a strange way. Has never been flakey. We met through work, we do similar things, but he is more at the sharp end. it was a thunderbolt. we spent a whole night talking, then he pursued me - very full on and direct. We've been away together several times. It was serious and passionate and seemed to be a done deal. The answer is that I need to have a proper talk with him when I next see him. Get some clarity. A few weeks ago it would never have occured to me that we wouldn;t be able to talk about anything. My marriage was the opposite. - I was scared to raise things, I felt like we barely knew each other and the whole thing was an act in a way. This was so straightforward. He said it, Not only do I love you I also really like you.' Now I feel like he's snuffing it out, but very slowly!

Show quote history

Sounds like classic lovebombing at the beginning here. Now he's ready to discard. Get rid for your own sake, your mental health will thank you.

QualityDog · 30/03/2024 08:35

I don't think people can give you reassurance because it does not sound like this is going to work.

You've made yourself fit into what he wants by being low maintenance and flexible and he can't even make room for you.

You not going to his country when you have been in a relationship with him for a year makes no sense. He couldn't spare two days when he didn't have his children for the person he is in relationship with?

If he wants to be with you he should be thinking he wants to share that are of interest to him. Things that aren't his children but other things. Ordinary things. Why isn't he thinking 'oh my girlfriend would like this ice-cream flavour/book shop/bar' or whatever and want to show you stuff from his life.

My dh is very involved in his job. (And in fairness most people work hard at their jobs) He travels, he works hard etc but he still texts me when he's busy. He doesn't have to make time for it. He wants to.

Immemorialelms · 30/03/2024 08:40

I have had a man like this, years later I am still reeling that the "realness" of it could evaporate when we were, like you, so serious and passionate and best friends. I could see no reason why we couldn't maintain forever. But he was able to pull away. I think yours has some similar flags, like how focused he was on you, how clearly and straightforwardly it started, how he is a slight workaholic and wants to do right by everyone.

These kind of men take on so much and feel overwhelm and put their own needs last. Then they find someone- you - who acts as an escape from all the difficult relationships they have. It's pure and wonderful because they are meeting their real, honest needs with you, they can be themselves. So it feels right - because it is right.

But it can't last, eventually he starts to feel you need something from him, and he knows you're right to need commitment and calmness and he starts to feel, subconsciously, guilty about you. Now, unfortunately, you have moved from the "beautiful escape" box to the "Person who has demands on me, and who I feel bad about because I can't ever meet their demands".

It's easier then to lose you than to deal with the shame, his own shame at not quite being able to give you what he perceives you need.

Add in a dash of ADHD focus and addictive thinking and there's no coming back, I'm sorry.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/03/2024 08:43

The thing is that your relationship with him is not really in the real world. You don't see him with his kids and you don't see him in the other country. You realise that if you did have a life with him it would be in the other country and he would still be working away every other week. What would that life be like for you? I don't think any man is worth giving up everything for in return for so little.

He obviously can't handle having a serious relationship as well as the rest of his life and he has chosen to give you up. He can't give up his children so you are the one that has to go.

I think you have been lovebombed and not living in the real world and that's why this is affecting you so much.

MaryFuckingFerguson · 30/03/2024 08:46

You need to chalk this one up to experience. Frankly, he’s not that into you and you’re wasting valuable time.

And 3 kids under ten and and ex? I don’t see how this isn’t a massive turn-off, especially as you don’t have children.

QuillBill · 30/03/2024 08:47

Where is he officially supposed to staying where he is working in your country for a week?

Does he have a home there and if so does he ever stay in it?

He's created a great set up for very little effort. He's put in the time at the beginning and how he has a place to stay for a week. When my dh works away he gets a sizeable 'living away from home' allowance as well as accommodation.

Takenoprisoner · 30/03/2024 08:47

Definitely stop him staying with you When he's over here working. don't be his convenient 'girl in every port'.

There are so many red flags about this man. Take a step back. You know nothing about him except what he's told you.

Candleabra · 30/03/2024 08:53

I was listening to a podcast recently about relationship scammers and all the women they interviewed afterwards said how real it had all felt, how much love was expressed, they became best friends, shared everything, really became the centre of their world. All at a distance of course. All intelligent articulate women.

Im not saying he’s a scammer in the truest sense of the word (trying to get money) but he is scamming you in terms of appearing to offer a life/relationship that is a mirage. It doesn’t exist.

Takenoprisoner · 30/03/2024 09:00

op please google the lovebomb, devalue, discard cycle. He's done it once with you. He's doing it again. It will ruin your mental health for years unless you stop and get out of this relationship NOW.

Thetraitor · 30/03/2024 09:02

Candleabra · 30/03/2024 08:53

I was listening to a podcast recently about relationship scammers and all the women they interviewed afterwards said how real it had all felt, how much love was expressed, they became best friends, shared everything, really became the centre of their world. All at a distance of course. All intelligent articulate women.

Im not saying he’s a scammer in the truest sense of the word (trying to get money) but he is scamming you in terms of appearing to offer a life/relationship that is a mirage. It doesn’t exist.

This 100%

tarheelbaby · 30/03/2024 09:09

I think you've had the best of this relationship. Contrary to what we are programmed to believe, most relationships and friendships have a natural lifetime, some longer than others. As I grow up, I am coming to comprehend the medium term relationship.

It's hard, but you need to accept that it will never be as great as in the beginning. New relationships are always amazing. Only seeing each other intermittently has kept this one going longer than it might have. Plus, you have all the fun without any of the reality: no dishes to wash, no school pick-ups, no visits to his sick mum.

In this situation, reality (his sick mum, his kids, his ex, his foreign country) was always going to come to the fore. You were never going to move to his country; he was never going to move to yours. So you need to rethink your expectations.

You don't have to cut contact and block like MNs are often keen to do. You can still see him. If you prefer, let it fizzle out at your pace. And start pacing yourself: If he contacts you, wait a while to reply, just like he does. If he's coming over for work and you want to see him let him stay, enjoy the fun, but be aware that it doesn't mean the 'relationship' is growing. If you want to enjoy his company just remember what it really is: FWB.

Feel free to look for a new interest (hobby, man, project, pet, whatever). When you find that, you'll be so busy that you won't miss him. You'll reach a point where if he says he's coming over, you can breezily say 'sorry, you can't stay with me then'.

terribleangel · 30/03/2024 09:09

I think @Immemorialelms nailed it

CrackSpackle · 30/03/2024 09:14

I would love to offer reassurance OP, but this relationship is only going to get more and more complicated and unsatisfying for you.

Does he take and make calls in front of you when he is at yours?

Wanttolikekimchee · 30/03/2024 09:17

Sorry OP: he’s lying to you. I’ve been there and everything was bullshit. You’re going to end up an emotional mess if you keep this man in your life.