Am I an arsehole?

[Katykatiekin]

Urgh where to start.
My partner and I met online 12 years ago.
6 years ago we had our first child.
Things were great for the first year or 2 after having the baby, except I absolutely just didn’t want to have sex for about a year after, we finally did and then just infrequently. Over the years the sex ebbed and flowed.
We talked about having another child, didn’t really try too hard, then I stopped wanting kisses and cuddles at some point, then I start getting tired and so going to bed early and getting up early while he was getting up late and going to bed late.
Then BAM perimenopause! We’ve tried on and off for another baby for the last few years, but nothing and now I’m 44.
I just do not want sex, or cuddles or really anything, I’m content living in companionship.
he’s not.
except it’s not a content companionship as he says I tell him he does everything wrong, I mean I do, but he does do lots of things wrong
-doesn’t listen, may as well talk to myself
-disorganised, has to call my mum at short notice for child care as he forgot where he had to be while I’m at work
-to harsh with our kid 0 to 100 with nothing in between

• does zero housework but to be fair is the moan cook and does the washing up

Every few months this blows up and honestly, I can’t be arsed with it.
I’m So selfish and want him to just shut up and get on with life, but he wants intimacy - meaning sex.
He’s generally short tempered and can be a bit of a Victorian parent at times and cannot cope with the temperamental outbursts that 6 year olds have without being too harsh or going mental at them every time, but generally, he’s a great dad.
so today we ended up having one of those “what’s the point of us, I feel like your brother”
conversations, I can’t even remember how it ended, but we went about our day and then our kiddo had 2 meltdowns. We read her a story together, I fell asleep in her bed as usual, he woke me up and said he can’t cope with her behaviour, I tried to reassure him that all kids are like this. Then he turned the convo to “what are we going here, are you going to bed now (it’s 22.30)?” Yes I am, what’s the point. So I’m just sitting downstairs on my own every evening etc etc. which, to be fair he is, but he could come upstairs couldn’t he.
But I don’t know, I think he’s right that I don’t really want him to?! Not because it’s him, I just don’t want anyone. I think I’m also grieving not having more kids and I don’t talk to anyone about it’s not even him as I think he blames me for the lack of sex. I know he does.
anyway, he’s taken a bag and walked to his mums, so….what now?
I didn’t try and stop him, I didn’t say anything really.
i sent him a few come back messages. Sorry I’ve not shown you how much I care etc.
but I’m really not sure how much I do care.
i fiercely love our child and I’m not sure if it’s menopause but feel nothing about lots of things except the child.
I think I answered my own question ; yes I’m an arsehole. And yet, I don’t even really care, except for our daughterZ
now I feel the reason to fix this is for her, which is not right.
im also now angry at him for going to his mums and presumably telling her everything. I am NOT a sharer and she can’t keep her mouth closed about anything!! She told us all about his brothers relationship: their lack of sex and his MH problems even though we told her to stop.
So now I’m cross with him for that too!
Ive wishes him away many times over the years and probably don’t deserve him.
What’s wrong with me

You went off sex and discovered you didnt love him after all.

Best to split now before it gets worse and the resulting divorce is toxic.

“I’ve wished him away many times over the years”. This is the line that stands out to me.

Why don’t you try marriage counselling and then if that doesn’t work you can both walk away? As for sex - he’s allowed to want it and you’re allowed to not want it, neither of you is wrong for that but you’ll just end up resenting eachother.

Maybe there is some selfishness in what you say. You mourn not having another DC knowing that he is having trouble coping with the one you have. It's probably for the best that a 2nd didn't come along tbf. Seems you only had sex with him to get pregnant. Some of this is about your needs, but you have a mindset where your DC being needy is fine, but you don't really care about your partners needs.
It sounds like this relationship was in trouble years ago despite you wanting another DC, you would of had 2 then and still been with a man who doesn't do any housework.

None of this means you’re an arsehole. Not wanting him any more does not make you an arsehole. Do you want to split up?

This. Whatsthe point carrying on?

if he is so sub standard why do you want to be in a relationship with him?

The relationship seems utterly pointless, and to top it off with seeking to isolate him from his support systems is so cruel.

I really don’t understand why you are sending him come back messages when you actually want him away from you. Why?

I think you have wasted this man's time. You stopped communication and kept him at bay when you should have ended it years ago.

You're not a bad person, but you haven't been honest with him either.

I would be looking in the mirror at my honest actions and be prepared to apologise and let him go.

All the best.

You just don't love him any more OP. That doesn't make you an arsehole in itself, but maybe you need to face it and either split up or be prepared to put the work in to try and find the spark again (counselling etc).

He might have wasted her time by staying so long?

@Dugs2010

Thats an unnecessarily spiteful post. Presumably you’re in this situation which is why you’re responding so emotionally. The OP and her husband should perhaps be getting divorced at this point and moving on with their lives but it doesn’t mean either of them have had their lives wasted or that they don’t deserve a happy relationship. You also don’t get to use lack of sex as an excuse for being useless in other areas of life.( parenting for example). Either way the child is going to be fine… they’re not going to grow up hating her mother because she didn’t give dad enough blow jobs.

Life is just too short to live like this. I would hate to think my partner wished me away.

This is a disappointing relationship.

You are dissatisfied with his lack of ability to step up and his different parenting approach

He is sick of being made to feel like the bad guy and no sex /intimacy

You will both be happier apart.

If you ask him back it will be because you are scared to be alone/feel guilty /worry about impact on your child/too hard to get divorced/shared custody.

Not because you realise he's amazing, you fancy the pants off him and can live either way his flaws.

It would be better for all three of you if you split.

It’s over really isn’t it. You cant expect him to live a life of celibacy and he can’t expect you to have sex if you don’t wish. It’s not even companionship, let’s face it, you just house share and co parent

so he’s made the right decision, the relationship is over and it can’t be resurrected.

This is the horrible post, what an awful thing to write. Didn’t give him enough blow jobs??

Really what do you think is meant by this comment?

“When it's all over and the person you're raising realises what happened, I wouldn't want to be you”

why would a child know about the intimate relationship between parents unless someone makes a point or telling them.

"doesn’t listen, may as well talk to myself

-disorganised, has to call my mum at short notice for child care as he forgot where he had to be while I’m at work

-to harsh with our kid 0 to 100 with nothing in between

does zero housework but to be fair is the moan cook and does the washing up"

So he's unsupportive and scares the kids with unexpected outbursts.

Sounds like you have tried to discuss these things with him but he's not having it.

It's little wonder you don't want to be intimate with him.

I think often times when one person has a complaint about lack of sex in a relationship there are behaviours that are making them deeply unattractive to their partner.

Thanks everyone. It’s been really helpful to read all the different opinions in the light of day
@Janpoppy I think this sums it up really.
when we met, I was very independent, had lived at uni, with friends and bought my own place, he was still living with his folkes.
I was backpacking in India in my 20’s, he was going on package holidays.
but together, we did a mixture of these things, and I loved him with all my heart.
he was always reactive and prone to outbursts, but never at me and I’m pretty laid back, they didn’t bother me and I accepted how he was. We had great sex back then.
He says the relationship changed the day we had our child. He is mis remembering, I used to love when he came home and we’d all be together. It’s been different since they were 2/3 years old.
I didn’t really want to have sex that first year after, and then when I did, I didn’t really initiate it, as I was exhausted parenting and breast feeding, but was very happy when he initiated.
but soemthing changed when kiddo was 2/3 & I think @Janpoppy is right the combination of seeing behave like this to/ infront of our child, the constant disorganisation and no matter how much you tell him there’s more to intimacy than sex for women, he doesn’t get it.
needing to praise him for cooking and doing a load of washing every now and then is exhausting!!!
I think in the last few years I feel like I have an extra child, who thinks they’re really independent, but isn’t!!
And then perimenopause turned off my sex drive and we’re stuck.
I get what some are saying about wasting his life, but also, it’s his life and his decision too. I haven’t held him hostage.
he says he wants the fun stuff, wants to plan things at weekends without and without the kid…but never does and then this resurfaces again.
I don’t need a full diary, happy to be spontaneous or stay home/ local, but he’s not! But he’s not actually got any ideas of arranged/planned anything either.
So what do I want? I want to feel about him, how is did! I want to be excited for him to come home and miss him when he’s away, rather than look forward to it as things are easier.
I want our child to be happy. I think he’s not always able to but the kiddo first.
I do want him to be happy, but I feel numb in this area and also, am I happy? Probably not but I just don’t really feel anything about the work to be honest. I feel my child and my work gets the best of me. The rest goes to him (it’s not much) and none of it is left for me and I almost don’t care! Is this a mental health thing or perimenopause?
its also recently been suggested to me that I am neurodivergent and probably have ADHD (noted by a psychotherapist I have restorative reflection with at work)she asked if I have difficulty maintaining friend ships and relationships and to be honest, yes I do, when they are in any depth. I have lots of friends, but none I am able to open up to (I mean I could, but I can’t bring myself to) and I find stating in touch with people overwhelming, I infer if this is related? Thanks everyone, lots to think on.

NB I’m not offended, I know my kid won’t ‘hate me for what I’ve done’ which is protect her from outbursts of swearing and shouting whilst trying to keep the home stable for her. His mum, dad and brother also get the odd outburst, so it’s not just me

If you actually WANT to fix things there are things you can do. Marriage counselling, either with a professional or using podcasts or whatever to try and get you both on the same page. If you’d actually LIKE some intimacy then you could look at HRT, it made a huge difference for me and most of my friends in their late 40s/early 50s and I really wish I’d known about being able to add testosterone into the mix sooner than I did.

But essentially if you want to just bumble along in celibate companionship then you need to either agree that he can go elsewhere for sex, or split up and be coparents. It’s not fair on anyone to be stuck in a loveless marriage, a sexless marriage or an affectionless marriage - as humans we need connections, whether romantic, physical or emotional and it sounds like you have none of those things.

What stands out to me is you saying you felt like you had another child.
I think this is a common problem.
I certainly felt the same in my first marriage. He was a nice enough chap in many ways but I pretty much had to remind him to breathe out after breathing in. Nothing ever got done unless I did it or completely organised everything so he only had to do the bare minimum.
Helplessness is a child like quality and no normal woman wants to have sex with a child.
You need to make the split permanent and I think you will be happier.

It sounds like you are done. If he's walked out and not responded to your come back messages then I suspect he is done. You could try marriage counselling but it seems you both want different things. You want an equal and supportive partner, he wants a housekeeper who offers "benefits".

It's probably time to figure out what you want from life for the next twenty years until your child has grown up - another adult who expects to be waited on, with sex, and a lot of anger, or freedom to find someone who likes being with you? Then figure out the how.

Does the husband not have any responsibility for the breakdown of this relationship, in your opinion?

Seems like marriage counselling would be ideal for you two. Do that and all the best!

You are done. Please don’t waste anymore time or the precious time of this man. He doesn’t deserve it. You aren’t communicating directly to him your utter antipathy and lack of care but showing it massively and it’s sad.

Hi @Katykatiekin

Continually shouting around children is completely unacceptable. Terry Real, marriage counsellor, gives clients 30 days to stop shouting in the home or the person who shouts needs to move out because it is so harmful for children to be subject to ongoing shouting, regardless of whether it is directed at them or someone else in the home.

It sounds like you have tried talking with him and he has not been able to hear you or actually take responsibility for his behaviour. If he continually is overreactive, overly dramatic and shouts, this might indicate he isn't interested in communicating with you in the normal sense of wanting to understand and collaborate with you. It is usual for women to be told they at not communicating well enough when actually, there is no way to communicate with someone who does not want to hear you.

I think you might find the video below, and the others on the series, helpful. There is a spectrum of behaviours that cross over into becoming coercive control, and it would be a good idea to learn and identify what patterns are present in your dynamic before signing up for couples counselling.

Please also be aware that the tradition of psychotherapy is rooted in working solely with the issues that lie in the individual who presents for therapy, so if your therapist is not trained in abusive dynamics (and it is very likely they are not) they will not necessarily be able to identify coercive forms of control.