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Relationships

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Original poster

Does age difference matter?

27 replies

Bobbins · 04/12/2002 11:42

I've started seeing someone almost 10 years my junior, and I must admit it does worry me a tad. Its not because of his personality, he seems very mature, its just the feeling that the odds are stacked against us at the outset. I want to feel optimistic about it, but I do find it difficult.

I know many men have no worries about going out with much younger women. Why is there this difference?

Any views, is age just relative/just a number? Should I just try and ignore it, or be wary of it?

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 04/12/2002 12:34

It's just a number really. Unless you're under 25 of course

Do you notice the age difference? Obviously you know it's there but does it actually manifest itself in different wishes and hopes for the future etc? Personally I'd ignore it unless you actually find it causing a problem. Enjoy yourself and see what happens.

sobernow · 04/12/2002 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WideWebWitch · 04/12/2002 12:52

Bobbins, as you know, my dp is ten years younger than me. In his case I do feel that age is just a number: he is committed to me and I know we have a future together. We've been together nearly 3 years. I would say though that he is an emotionally mature younger man - for example he is better than I am at getting to the root of a problem and discussing it rather than having a row, at going to bed early if he has an early start etc. And he's done his clubbing and says he isn't at all interested in that any more.

At the beginning I was worried: why would he choose me with my wrinkles and bags and sags over some lithe young thing his own age? He tells me he values my experience and wisdom (thanks darlin'!) and loves me for who I am as well as for how I look (thankfully!). Life stages is a difficult one though I think. I was at a different life stage in that I had a child, had been married, had done my share of corporate jobs, travelling, going out with lots of men, everything you should do in your twenties. He has also 'been around' in going out with other people terms and so I don't think he wants to get out there, feeling he hasn't enough experience of women and relationships. He says absolutely not. All the other stuff, children, travels, jobs he says if he wants to do them he'll do them with me.

OK, so we have some young music in our house (bangin' apparently and I'm not a music fan at all) but ds loves it. I take the p* sometimes when he uses young phrases and likewise he does with me when I start sounding like my mum. He understands and believes in feminism (writing about it part of his thesis), likes women, has women friends and treats me as an equal. He also loves ds, does half the household chores, cooking, shopping and childcare AND is the first man ever to find my G spot (god, what am I admitting here!!!) - he's fantastic in bed. All of this could be true of an older man too, I know. I therefore think it can work and it does for us. I know he could have a crisis later on and run off with some twentysomething when he's in his thirties and I'm in my forties but this could be true of anyone. I'd like to think it won't happen though and he says not. So my advice is be wary, slightly, maybe it's just a fun fling and just what you need but maybe not. I thought mine was a one night stand and he's turned out to be the love of my life. Good luck.

bundle · 04/12/2002 13:14

I think it depends on personalities really. dh is 6 mths older than me so it's never been an issue but a guy I saw a few years back was 8 yrs younger than me and had a completely different attitude than I do towards eg drugs (ie he took loads of e's and coke ALL the time and not just at parties) which I do think is a generational thing. some men I know were 40 before they left primary school

Original poster

Bobbins · 04/12/2002 13:32

I think I just need to take it as it comes. I was quite happy just going with the flow, but this week I've realised its a bit more serious and we have started getting attached. I thought it was just going to be a transitional thing as I thought he planned to go travelling early next year in Brazil. But now he's talking about probably not for a couple of years...hmm, and completing his training to be a plumber over here (he's Portuguese...another stumbling block perhaps). I don't know. I am wary. I don't want to be walking up a dead end street, and have even considered getting out before we get sucked in. I think its already happening tho. The things that worry me are; He's only had four other partners, one was a one night stand (makes me feel positively promiscuous about my sordid past). Also I miss my baby and know that I would be up for having another sooner rather than later. (I'm talking years rather than months though don't worry) I know that sounds heavy, but I'm just being honest. He knows this. I can't deny it. I know he wouldn't be ready for that.

Ho hum, I wish in some ways I could keep it as a fling, but I'm finding myself growing more and more attracted. I'm not aware of the difference in his actions or his looks even...its just my position what with my recent history that makes me more cautious I think. I'm having lots of fun though IYKWIM

Happy Birthday for Saturday Sobernow.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bobbins · 04/12/2002 13:34

bundle...as far as drugs and alcohol go...he's a saint compared to my ex who was around my age. What a relief, he's never touched 'em apart from the odd joint. I LIKE this

OP posts:

Original poster

Bobbins · 04/12/2002 13:43

He does drink beer tho, but not much. Don't want him to sound too squeaky.

OP posts:

bundle · 04/12/2002 13:52

Bobbins, he sounds nice, but you're right, the baby/commitment thing will probably rear its head sooner rather than later. if you can detach yourself a bit and enjoy it, then why not? but please don't get hurt...

Original poster

Bobbins · 04/12/2002 14:01

I think the baby thing is inevitably going to be an issue with me at the moment, no matter how much I try to chill and just enjoy. It wouldn't matter how old he was it would be a problem in any new relationship. I could foresee this problem, when my relationship was disintegrating, it was one of the main reasons why I put up with ex's crap/wild partying for so long.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bobbins · 04/12/2002 14:04

One good thing, or more confusing thing I suppose...is that I've been completely up front about my feelings and concerns and he hasn't run away yet. He actually seems to be getting keener as it goes.

OP posts:

zebra · 04/12/2002 14:08

My DH is 7 years younger than me. I sometimes feel guilty that I made him "grow up" sooner than he might have, because of my age I wanted to get on with a family. He's now 28 with 2 kids, while his big brother is 30 and still single! But DH sure doesn't feel like he missed out. He fully agrees that our kids are the most wonderful/fullfilling things he could have done with his life. He really wouldn't want to be still obsessed with cars and computer games like big brother is....

So... I think a lot depends on the character of the younger man. At 22 my DH already knew for sure he wanted kids, unlike most previous boyf.s I'd ever had. Knowing that we fundamentally wanted the same things in life meant that it was just a matter of negotiated timing. ...Sounds like the rules for any relationship??

tigermoth · 04/12/2002 14:14

bobbins, I'm happy for you - hope you can enjoy it from day to day. Don't fret about the age thing, but equally don't look ahead is my advice. I hope you have time to make lots more new friends of both sexes and get a big new network of people around you.

cerys · 04/12/2002 14:16

My DH is 5 1/2 years younger than me, so he is 28 and we have 2 children. He hasn't really got a past and has said he doesn't want to know about mine. We are very happy and he is more mature than me in some ways! I have a real insecurity thing at the moment as I can't shift any of this baby weight and feel really fat and frumpy, but he has never given me any reason to feel insecure - it's all in my head

Original poster

Bobbins · 04/12/2002 14:18

I'm 31, he's 22. I've got time to chill I think. I think it would be a great shame to miss out on such a fit and pleasant bloke just because of the age thing. I expect I'd have exactly the same worries with a 31 yr old. And don't worry bundle, I don't think I'd allow him to hurt me after the year I've had. I think the age thing just makes me put my overly practical hat on bit too much.

OP posts:

threeangels · 04/12/2002 14:22

I know someone at my church who is 25 and is married to a 51 yr old man. They look totally different in age but they do seem to love each other. The only thing is that his kids are the same age and older then his wife. They all seem fine about it around people.

bundle · 04/12/2002 14:22

Bobbins, IKWYM about being practical but it's good that you can stand back & view it all without rose-coloured specs & take it for what it is. 22 sounds very young - but I am 37, going on 38
the 'youngster' I went out with lasted for a few months but in my mind he was never a long-term option, not baby material and I think if you train your brain in that way, you won't get 'lost' in the passionate moments

Original poster

Bobbins · 04/12/2002 14:28

I know...its all far too soon for thoughts of long term and even very soon after splitting up with my long term. It just happened though. I really don't want to fall for him but he's just so bloody gorgeous. Perhaps it is just a 31 yr old 'phase'.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bobbins · 04/12/2002 14:46

I have split up from my long term long term....That sounds like my mind has become dicombobulated or something!

He may be 22 but he is doing recedingly well, IYKWIM, they do say its a sign of virility. But I'm not interested in that obviously.

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bundle · 04/12/2002 15:07

fnar,Bobbins, just think of him as a cheapo botox, a little treat

berries · 04/12/2002 15:35

My SIL started going out with a 23 yr old when she was 29/30. There were a few issues about life stages (she was ready to settle & have kids - he wasn't), and he had already planned to go travelling for a year when they met. She decided to rent out her flat & go with him. They've now been married for 8 years, together for 12, have 2 lovely boys and are both at the same stage in their lives. I think the age gap is only a problem if you let it be, there are all sorts of other things which can cause problems in a relationship & this is only one of them. See how t goes Bobbins - you deserve some fun
BTW I still get that funny feeling when I look at dh, after 22 years - so it doesn't have to go if you're with the right person.

Batters · 04/12/2002 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eulalia · 05/12/2002 18:48

I am coming from a different perspective in that I am younger than dh (20 years). This is quite a big age gap in anyone's books and to be honest it wasn't all plain sailing in the early days. We did have a period where I wondered if I would stay with him. However now I am in my 30s and he's in his 50s the age gap doesn't seem so big. To be honest 22 does sound young to me but against that plenty of men at that age may want to settle down. I do think we are a bit obsessed with numbers, everyone is different ... Good luck and enjoy!

robinw · 05/12/2002 19:33

message withdrawn

aloha · 05/12/2002 20:19

People mature at different rates. Warren Beatty wasn't ready for marriage and kids until he was in his fifties, yet Jamie Oliver was raring to get down the aisle and sprog in his early 20s. I depends on the man. I have completely reevaluated Jamie Oliver since I've seen him with his daughter on Jamie's Kitchen, BTW. Lots of early-20somethings make fabulous dads.

chiarasmom · 05/12/2002 20:20

just a number. ignore, but be wary. my2cts. look at madonna - seems happy.

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