First Date Dilemma

[Legomaster85]

Last week, I went on a coffee date with a man that I met through a friend.
He was totally lovely, we had lots in common, chatted for hours and had a lots of laughs.
It was all very natural and relaxed.

The problem is that I just don't think I fancy him. He's just too short and I hated his clothes!! I know that sounds superficial, but I can't help it.
I can't decide if this is worth pursuing!? I would love to spend another afternoon chatting to him, I really enjoyed his company and he was really interesting. But if I agree to a second date, is that leading him on!?

No, a second date is just that, not a commitment ! Go for it. Maybe you will see past these things, if you really get on.

I'm conflicted.
I agree, a date isn't a committment and he shouldn't expect anything from you.
But, if you already know you don't fancy him, it doesn't sound fair to lead him on. Is he paying for the date, dinner, drinks, activity? Because that would feel like you're taking advantage.
Plus, he may be going into the date with the feeling that he's investing in someone who may end up being his partner someday, and the longer he's invested in this idea, the more it will hurt him when he realises that won't happen.
If you want to continue to get to know him, as friends, I'd mention this before the second meeting.

This is why you date - to work out if the other person has the qualities you like or not. It’s hard to judge this on one date alone unless there’s glaringly obvious red flags! I’d definitely go on a second date before you really decide how you feel. At least if you found him interesting and enjoyed chatting to him then you know you’ll have a nice time again.

I think I'm so confused because my ex was a total pain in the arse by the end and he bored me to death. It was so nice to be in the company of a man who was interesting, intelligent and funny.
I just wish I could fancy him! So annoying.

Part of me just feels like I should just settle for somebody nice, who I get on with. But I'm not sure this ever works in real life.

I'd definitely go on a second date, get to know him better and see if you connect more over time. It's not wrong, that's what early dates are for. I wouldn't let him pay for me though, I would go halves.

I wouldn't let him pay for me anyway. I always go halves or buy a drink back etc

You might fancy him, though. Nothing to lose. If you realise it’s hopeless, tell him after the second date.

Personally I wouldn’t. I’ve been in that position and I knew immediately there wasn’t an attraction so thought it wasn’t fair to have another date and give him the idea I might be interested.

But it depends if you think you want to go to see if there’s a chance that attraction could grow or if you already know he’s in the friends only zone.

Not being attracted to someone for any reason isn’t superficial- it’s how you feel. There’s no right or wrong in what you find attractive and what gives you the ick.

When I met my DH he was so not my type, I went more for the Thin Lizzy Phil Lynot type, and DH was more Phil Collins! Terrible dress sense, but what a personality!
Family and friends were non plussed at first, but I knew he was the man for me. Happily married for 46 years, my best friend always says I chose wisely!

He might grow on you. He sounds nice.

I didn't fancy my now DH on our first or even second or third date. I recognised he intrigued me mentally and I felt like he was a male version of me. Didn't fancy him until I got to know him more and started trusting him. Suddenly I couldn't keep my hands off him.
Personally I would give it 2nd date and then decide if you count him out.

I didn’t fancy my now BF the first couple of dates but I did find him interesting. In fact even the first time we kissed I didn’t feel that flutter, it was just nice. However, once we got closer I started to feel more attracted to him And his kisses made me melt. Give it a go and see what happens.

Short men are better in bed! I've done the research.

He might turn up in better clothes next time.

I'd give it another go. He seems nice.

In my experience if you don’t fancy them you don’t fancy them, sure some might and will go there despite it, but I think be honest snd say want to meet as friends.

Are you sexually attracted to him? If not forget it

He could turn out to be a lovely friend OP. Would that work for both of you?

What didn't you like about his clothes? He might be wearing something better suited next time.

If you actually really hit it off as people (regardless of sexual or romantic connection), I'd meet again. If it was just a pleasant time, and he was just a nice bloke able to hold a conversation but nothing more then let him down gently. There's a difference. If you really can't decide then how would you feel if he kissed you? Yuk, great! Or not sure? If yuk then probably forget it.

Is it settling though, or is he just not what you thought your type was? He may have worn something different to normal because it was a date? Give it a chance.

It's just strange because I've known him vaguely for a while and I've always quite liked him. But when we sat and chatted for ages, I noticed that we got on really well, better than i thought, but that he had a sort of camp quality about him that I hadn't noticed before! And somehow his clothes or something just put me off.

I know this sounds nuts. I think I had an image in my head of who he was and the reality was different!

I'm hardly a looker myself, and I don't mind too much about looks usually but somehow the way he spoke or something just felt off putting.

Sort this inner conflict out before going on any more dates with anybody.

Why don't you think you should have what you want? Why are you telling yourself what you should feel, rather than respecting the feelings you do have? I mean, do you do that with any other aspect of life? I should like broccoli, so I'm going to make myself eat it? I should like horror films, so I'm going to make myself watch them?

Or are you just considering disrespecting your own feeling in a relationship scenario?

Fair point. I know what you mean.
I'm just not sure if what I'm looking for exists.
Here is a lovely guy who seems to like me, is kind and funny and a good person and yet, that's not enough.
My ex was tall, handsome and confident but he was also a knob and treated me with total disrespect.
I'm not sure if somebody who has it all is out there!!

I'm just not sure if what I'm looking for exists

So you're considering settling for an unhappy relationship, so that, if what you're looking for does finally show up, you can't have it?

Isn't it better to not have what you want in a way that leaves you available for what you want?

Just relax and see what happens. No need to think too deeply. Dating is meant to be fun

If you could dress him completely differently would you fancy him then?