Relationship with 15 year daughter has deteriorated

[ICanBuyMyselfFlowers72]

Hi,

Not sure how to deal with this one but I am struggling to have any sort of relationship with my 15 year old daughter. She'll be 16 in June and has GCSE exams coming up.

Basically, she went from a lovely girl (smiley, happy, girlie) to being very sullen, kept out of my way and stayed in her room and downright ignorant. My 23 year marriage ended when she was 11. I had struggled in the marriage for years - sexless, no affection, big age gap, I wasn't attracted to him, loneliness - and it was me that called it a day. Both children (she has a brother 20) who blamed me and thought I was just being silly (I wasn't). Her brother became more understanding as I had a chat with him and explained my reasoning. He has matured into a lovely, caring young man - now at university and with a girlfriend. He spends his time split between university, my house, his dad's and his girlfriend's house.

My daughter, on the other hand, has gradually withdrawn from me over the last 4 years. I'm not sure if it's just teenage hormones (and she's being awful to me, as a result) or if she still blames me for the breakdown of the marriage. The thing is, I feel I can't discuss with her why I did it as she is too young to understand what I mean.

She hardly ever talks to me. Even when I take her out she just sits there staring at her phone and doesn't speak. It's quite upsetting for me. I'm a good mum and have worked hard to support both of my children (senior management in the NHS). In the mornings she will go into the kitchen and make her breakfast but shuts the door so I can't see her. She lives in her room. She is working hard on revision, at the moment, but she's been like this at least a couple of years that I know of. She goes straight upstairs when she comes in from school and insists on eating upstairs. I spend lonely nights on my own downstairs (I have dated on and off but she hasn't been aware as I've brought no-one home). I have no other family (parents and siblings are all RIP) so I am finding it tough. I took her to London for a few days a couple of months back and all she did was moan. I took her to Canada last year and she just didn't appreciate anything and was a grump most of the time. Her brother tries to help with no joy. She doesn't like him either! She hasn't wanted to stay at her dad's so I've had her 100% of the time with no child support (he said he can't afford it) and no free time from her. I rush to get home from work in the evenings and just wish I could get a break from her because of the way she is.

I have started booking myself a 3 night break every 3 months (as I'd crack up without it) and she knows she has to stay with her dad while I'm away. She doesn't seem to grasp that I need some 'me' time. Her dad is getting lots of free time and isn't dealing with a moody, miserable teenager all the time.

I returned from a 3 night trip to London on Monday and she is still at her dad's refusing to come home. Again, in a mood!!

I'm planning to take her away for a week when her exams finish (I can't tolerate more than a week away with her because of the way she is) but starting to feel like I can't face it. She is very messy at home. Never cleans anything and leaves a mess in every room she goes in. Again, I spend hours tidying up after her - another reason why I have started to enjoy my three monthly breaks!!

She is quite high maintenance in that she wants the best of everything. Latest iPhone etc. I pay for her endowment, phone (£54 a month) and she gets £50 a month pocket money from me and £50 a month from her dad. Never does anything for it though!

Is there anything I can do to improve this situation? My mental health is suffering (my job is also extremely stressful). I'm finding it tough not having any family to turn to.

Have you offered her counselling to discuss how things are going for her at the moment?

Your daughter could also be grieving her brother leaving the house for University, did that strike you at all? She lost her Dad then she lost her brother.

She doesn't spend any time with her Dad and the relationship with you seems to be frosty. That doesn't leave her in a good place.

Have you any idea how the last four years have really been for your daughter? It's not unusual for them to find it hard to verbalise their feelings.

We don't really know what went on in the dynamic between the two of you since your divorce.

A parent's love for a child is not the same as a child's love for a parent.
So never expect 'back' what you feel for a child.

I get that your siblings and parents are deceased

But that unfortunate circumstance doesn't mean your DD needs to 'step up' to provide for you with emotional support or company to fill that gap.

You say you spend 'lonely nights alone downstairs'.

What is your DD supposed to do about that? It's not her job to be company for you.

She sounds like she's working hard on her GCSEs and generally is well behaved. Those are really positive things for her.

This isn’t uncommon I don’t think.

Hiw did you position your split because I find it odd that she doesn’t want to stay at her dad’s? Is she blaming him for something? Was he involved much when she was young or did he leave it all to you.

This is a common phase during the teenage years when children crave independence. In a few years, your child will likely grow out of it. Meanwhile, it's important to focus on finding your own fulfilment and not rely on your child for purpose.

Do not listen to the suggestions of turning the internet off or forcing her to sit downstairs. Terrible ideas.

I think some people have their memories of being a teenager and what it was like wiped on their 18th birthday.

She's in her room all the time and revising so not sure exactly what she's actively doing to grind your gears so much. She's your daughter, not a friend. For every teenager who has a "my Mum is my BF" type relationship (not that that's terribly healthy IMO) there will be many, many more with the sort of situation you're describing, at this point.

"I spend lonely nights on my own downstairs". That isn't her fault or her problem, to be honest. It doesn't sound as if your life is terribly fulfilling at the moment and perhaps you need to look at ways of making it more so on a daily basis, rather than "escaping" her for a few days regularly.

sorry this sounds all about you. Have you asked her how she’s feeling? I’m also struggling to reconcile the statement that she ‘hides in her room’ yet she ‘makes a mess everywhere she goes’ and In every room you’re constantly tidying up? Teenage girls are hard work. But it also It sounds like she’s very unhappy. Yet this post is all about you. Put yourself in her shoes it might help you see things more clearly.

Tell her you love her every day and pay her a compliment every day - even if you get nothing back

Tell her you want to spend one night a week together having dinner and you want an update on her school/hobbies/friends ie during this one meal phones are banned and she needs to make her bed and keep her room tidy every day and do the dishes after dinner every day - no more phone or pocket money unless she agrees to this

Leave her on her own one night a week for a couple of hours and do something for yourself - eg gym/yoga class

^^ I think this advice is spot on.

Above all, I would say don’t take any of her behaviour personally op. She is reflecting outwards what she feels inside. She may harbour some resentment towards you about your marriage break up but one of my dds behaved like this and me and dh have been together for a long time. So it’s probably a mix of things like exam pressure, and feeling hormonal and unsure.

It is totally normal for some teens to separate themselves off in to their bedroom. It’s the first stage in them individuating away from you and becoming an independent adult. Young teens have not yet got the skills to live independently, so this is a half way house. And in fact, it’s often the teens who are closest to their parents who find this splitting off process the most painful and difficult. Having “lost” her dad, ironically she may be finding it extra hard growing up away from you.

Some teens need to pause for a bit, go in to a dark cave, contemplate life and and absorb the lessons of the past and the scariness of the future and re-emerge a couple of years later with a better idea of who they are. I promise you op things will improve massively but it is a pretty hard period of time before it does. Gather family and friends around you to help you through it.

Of course it is important to check on your dd and very diplomatically enquire if she is feeling depressed and facilitate some help if that is necessary. Basically, depression needs treating if it is interfering with her daily executive function. If she is studying effectively this is not likely but best to make sure.

Does she have friends op? That can sometimes be another indicator of depression. Start off the conversation by saying you’re concerned because she seems unhappy. Keep telling her that you love her, especially at the moments when she is hardest to love.

After the exams I would put some structure in place like doing her own washing, helping to cook meals and join you at the dining table, cleaning her room and being responsible for one other room in the house. Encourage her to go on a trip somewhere for a week during the summer; maybe a volunteering programme if it’s financially possible? It’s important that she emerges from this period with the skills to live an independent life. And ask her some questions about what she wants to do in the future.

And don’t cancel the special trip. Even if it’s hell, and you are both miserable, it’s important to try and for her to know you are not giving up on her. Don’t have a lot of expectations about the holiday though. Just go and chill.

If she is going to school every day and doing well academically, not drinking to excess or staying out or engaging in risky behaviour then she deserves to be rewarded for that. And at least she will have something to talk about and record on her phone.

It’s great you are taking time away every so often to preserve your mh. It’s also good to step back a bit and be a bit more objective and support her daily life from the sidelines while your dd steers her own boat. Don’t do too many practical things for her or she will get the impression that you think she’s not capable!

You will help her by living your life in a way that gives her a good role model. Despite all appearances to the contrary, she will be watching how you handle this! Let her observe your good habits, your friendships, your hobbies, your enjoyment of life and your resilience. (I know I know that’s a tall order in current circumstances but do the best you can.)

Most importantly of all, although it is hellish atm, hang on to the fact that by just being there, by being a steady anchor in a turbulent sea, by sticking by her when she’s hard to live with, you are NOT failing as a parent; quite the opposite, you are giving her the support and love she needs at a pivotal moment in her life. She will come back to you I promise op, but for the moment, give her the space she needs and cheer her on as she starts to take on more responsibility for her own life.

Good luck 🌷

Perhaps stop giving her money? I know teenage girls are hard work and just giving in causes us so much less stress... people living this way will only understand. I hope things get better for you x

Telling your child something nice isn't easier said then done. Op doesn't have to do absolutely everything said on the quoted post...but it's a starting point... it will take time but op is here for advice and that's what the post gave her...