Do you have a FWB/ lover? Tell me about your experience please!

[Superlambaanana]

Just that really. A follow on from the thread discussing what it means to be truly Single and free of any desire or ties to a male romantic partner. A few posters commented that they are single but have FWB to provide, ahem, occasional, light relief, if you will.

Do you have one? How does it work? Do you have rules, boundaries - are they said or unsaid? How do you contact your 'friend' and what do you do with them - sex only or other stuff?
Do you buy them a birthday present? What would happen if they, or you, wanted to take it further and start a proper relationship? Does this situation cause you any angst or is it entirely blissful?

I am interested in all your experiences and advice because I am single and I am thinking of (lowers voice and puts on a sultry accent) 'taking a lover'. Or should I just forget it and focus on becoming a fully evolved, zen-like, capital S Singleton?!

[Celynfour]

I feel like you don’t need to ‘decide ‘ to take a particular stance or another .
be single , have a ‘friend ‘ . Neither of those choices has to be fixed. And you’ll quickly find out what suits and what works and adjust accordingly.

[Tillievanilly]

I am interested in the answers to this. I recently met a guy on an app who offered me this. He talked the talk but didn’t walk the walk shall we say.
So from my experience maybe it’s better to know them in the real life. The attraction just wasn’t there for me and he didn’t put into practice what was originally offered. Disappointed doesn’t cut it. 😂

[WrylyAmused]

I've had several FWBs.

In contrast to most here, for me, I do lots of "dating" type things with my FWBs, and regular phone calls, texting etc, because they have all been friends first and foremost, so I naturally hang out with them and do fun things, as we did as friends, and the sex just came later. And yes, I don't really do presents, but we take each other out for dinner for our birthdays, buy little celebratory gifts for a promotion etc, as I would for any of my friends. The FWB relationships have lasted 18-24 months, on average, before it either fizzles or has turned into a proper relationship.

The difference for me is purely that there's no expectation of commitment, nor of exclusivity, although obviously I expect them to tell me if they sleep with anyone else because of health concerns, or if they start dating anyone else seriously because I'd want to be sure no one was being deceived or lied to.

I have had FWBs turn into relationships, when we both wanted it, and that was also fine - we just discussed it and then agreed. I did have a couple where they wanted the relationship and I didn't, and I ended up stopping sleeping with them, but continuing as platonic friends, to remove the confusing factor from the relationship, and not cause them to get hurt from unmet expectations/hopes.

I haven't found it causes any angst, but I'm naturally not an insecure or jealous person, so it doesn't bother me that they may be also interacting with others - I think whether it can work for you will depend a lot on your personality, sense of self, type of attachment and similar types of factors, which you'll know best.

Wouldn't call it blissful either though - it's the enjoyment of hanging out with a good friend, with added cuddles, intimacy and sex, so can be lovely, but maybe not quite to the extent of "blissful", because there's an awareness that there's an edge to the relationship beyond which it doesn't usually go (unless it turns into a full on relationship).

It can be a bit awkward sometimes if there's an FWB but you are also potentially looking elsewhere for a relationship - managing & communicating around that ethically and well can be a little difficult as it's not necessarily most people's "normal".

What most people here describe as FWB, I would call fuck buddies, which isn't a thing I do. That would be a pure booty call, and minimal other conversation/interaction/hanging out other than the sex. Wouldn't work for me at all, but each to their own.

[bombastix]

I did. It worked out okay; but eventually the passion disappeared after two years. I suppose it had nowhere to go as I didn't want anything else.

[PermanentTemporary]

I thought I was taking a lover. The plan was to have someone I saw occasionally for sex as I was in no way ready to be in a relationship again.

However, I wasn't ready to be in a relationship because I was raw and emotionally broken. You can imagine how well that went. The man obsessed me for two years and I still think about him daily even though it's over four years since i laid eyes on him. The only way I could cope was to see a whole lot of other people for sex. This was quite effective but he wasn't impressed.

Whisper it - having said all that, I don't regret it. I've never had sex like it or been with a man like him.

[SamW98]

How and where do I find a FWB? I’ve tried OLD, I’m very socially active and I’m very out and about all the time yet I’ve not met anyone in 4 years single 🤷‍♀️

[Superlambaanana]

Oooh right, interesting replies already.

@Celynfour I am thinking quite clinically about this because I am loving my single life after a bad previous relationship which ended over a year ago. I have a feeling that deliberately staying single might allow me to delve deeper into what it is to be me.

@Tillievanilly sorry it didn't work for you. I'm not even sure I need to be massively attracted to someone for this to work for me. They need to be good in bed obv. But the candidates I have in mind are more friends than crushes.

And @WrylyAmused wow. I'm just going to say thanks for now as I need a bit longer to mull over your very comprehensive reply. Thank you for taking the time! You have fab experience and the point about FWB vs fuck-buddy is well made. I assume the FWB in that definition is a bit trickier though and more likely to evolve over time. I'd prefer not to end up back in a full on relationship! And I have form on sleepwalking into commitment and struggling to get the hell out when it isn't right for me!

[CatCatCatCatCatCat]

No I couldn't do this. I wouldn't be able to have regular sex with someone with developing feelings but I know many women can and do. It's why I've been celibate almost 8 years 😰

[PermanentTemporary]

@SamW98 a true FWB is a friend already.

If I were looking now or someone to meet in this way I'd probably try Feeld.

[SamW98]

@PermanentTemporary

@SamW98 a true FWB is a friend already.

If I were looking now or someone to meet in this way I'd probably try Feeld.

I couldn’t sleep with any of my male friends. They’re all either attached or I don’t fancy them. That really wouldn’t work for me.

[Superlambaanana]

@bombastix and @PermanentTemporary this is why I'm thinking very carefully before treading into a FWB situation. Passion skews how we think and act and feel! So it isn't always a good thing!

I actually almost wish this could be offered as a commercial transaction - through a very classy agency with intelligent, progressive men who understand the need to create attraction but are clear on boundaries and not creating obsessive dynamics and 'passion'. Though inevitably that starts to sounds too Ghislaine Maxwell-esque the more you think about it. 🤢

[Superlambaanana]

@SamW98

How and where do I find a FWB? I’ve tried OLD, I’m very socially active and I’m very out and about all the time yet I’ve not met anyone in 4 years single 🤷‍♀️

You've not met anyone you fancy? Or you've not met any single men? Single men (who've been single for a while and aren't just in between monogamous relationships) are all fair game as FWB. Men like sex and they don't really need to fancy the women they have it with all that much. Just suggest you are thinking of taking a lover and you will be surprised how many contact you to submit expressions of interest!

[Superlambaanana]

@CatCatCatCatCatCat

No I couldn't do this. I wouldn't be able to have regular sex with someone with developing feelings but I know many women can and do. It's why I've been celibate almost 8 years 😰

I can definitely sleep with someone without developing feelings. In fact in all my previous (traditional) relationships, I started out by having feelings and the more I had sex with them the more those feelings were extinguished!!! I jest, a bit. But yeah I think you have to be willing to see sex as something other than a bonding experience and many women can't do that. I can. I have slept with men I didn't find remotely attractive and enjoyed the experience immensely.

[SamW98]

@Superlambaanana

You've not met anyone you fancy? Or you've not met any single men? Single men (who've been single for a while and aren't just in between monogamous relationships) are all fair game as FWB. Men like sex and they don't really need to fancy the women they have it with all that much. Just suggest you are thinking of taking a lover and you will be surprised how many contact you to submit expressions of interest!

I’ve not met anyone I’m attracted to. I’ve been in OLD a while and only ever had 5/6 dates.
I don’t really know that many single men in my social circle. I can only think of maybe 3/4 non attached male friends and I’m not attracted to any of them.

I don’t ever want a full on relationship again but there has to be an attraction for me to have sex.

Im in my 50’s so the pool is pretty small

[Superlambaanana]

@SamW98 Yes I'm over 50 too. But if you're waiting for someone you find attractive then I'd argue you're looking for a traditional relationship rather than a casual FWB type affair.

[SamW98]

@Superlambaanana

@SamW98 Yes I'm over 50 too. But if you're waiting for someone you find attractive then I'd argue you're looking for a traditional relationship rather than a casual FWB type affair.

I can’t have sex without attraction but I don’t want a full on relationship. I love being single and the thought of a man disturbing my peace fills me with horror.

Sex is the only thing I miss being single - absolutely nothing else at all. But I can’t just have sex with someone I don’t fancy - I’ve always been same. I can’t imagine sleeping with someone I’m not attracted to. I couldn’t do it

Think what @WrylyAmused describes is my ideal. Very casual dating with sex but no expectations or commitment

[Deargodletitgo]

Ewwww why would you sleep with someone you weren't attracted to? If I'd wanted to do that I'd have stayed married 😬

[user1471453601]

In my youth, well middle age really, I had a fwb. He was first and foremost a friend. If the occasion arose, we had sex.

It was a lovely relationship. He taught me stuff as a friend, that i I'd never have learned from a female friend. In particular, and it's 30 odd years ago, I recall him telling me that there were two types of "womanisers" those that just enjoyed and preferred women's company's company. And those who hated women. And I should never, ever confusion the two.

I was never tempted to have a full blown relationship with him, nor did he.

eventually he fell head over heels with a younger woman. Not unreasonably, she wanted us to cut ties. I totally saw her point, and I could see how happy she made my friend.

Sadly, five years and two children later, he died very suddenly.

I often think fondly of him.

[DeeCeeCherry]

After a 3 year break from dating, decided to go on a date with a guy I met. He was an awful. Zero personality, expected me to go back to his afterwards.

I stepped outside for some air, turned around and locked eyes with a man - and he became my FWB. 7 years later we're still together tho so he went from FWB to DP.

When you meet a FWB you really get on with and he becomes your friend, not just your lover, thats when its no longer a FWB situation. If you're fine with that possibility then, go ahead. You can still have the relationship you want, if you understand each other. I like my space. So does he. DP lives 15 minutes away from me. We socialise and holiday together, spend time at each other's homes as and when we choose. Works for us.

[HappyToSmile]

Yes, I've done it. He is a good bloke, but he works away during the week and has his kids at weekends and I work evenings and my son only sees his father sporadiaclly, so we would catch up with each other when we could. There was no hassle with it and no expectation, but when we saw each other, it was also perfectly natural. We would speak throughout the week so I would consider him a friend.
If things had been different, maybe it would have been more than it was. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out for other reasons. But it suited us both at the time.
Would I do it again? Yes, probably. Is it for everyone? Definitely not.

[CatCatCatCatCatCat]

@Deargodletitgo

Ewwww why would you sleep with someone you weren't attracted to? If I'd wanted to do that I'd have stayed married 😬

That's how I feel I could only sleep with someone I was physically attracted to otherwise I wouldn't bother so if I fancied someone and was having regular sex with them I would want more.

[Carsarelife]

Yes I did for 5 ish years. Was good whilst it lasted and it lasted a lot longer than I originally thought. The passion was there and it was something to look forward to.
It ended gradually really, by this time I'd got the ick and when he used to text me I found myself making excuses as to why I couldn't see him when previously I'd have been over there like a shot.
I'd like to meet another one actually

[FairFuming]

I've had friends with benefits, one was a friend who I'd had for years and whenever we were both single we would sleep together and have cuddles and it worked very well as it met those needs for both of us and we also had a plus one for any events or occasions that needed them. Another was a guy I met OLD and it scratched an itch for a couple months but soon got boring as I didn't like him that much as a person.
I think FWB works best for me as I like to have some sort of connection with the people I sleep with and casual sex just doesn't do it for me.

[AnonAnonmystery]

Changing my username for this as don’t want to out myself. I took a fwb when my marriage was in trouble and didn’t want to leave even though ex H had an OW. So … my ex boss who was a very high flyer made it clear to me that he fancied me and we met for lunch one day which was normal for us as he was a great laugh and came to this arrangement. On our first “date”
we went out for dinner and kissed then it was straight onto arranging the next meet up to have sex. We would book at hotel once every 2 months, have lunch, have lots and lots of sex then go home. We wouldn’t text or contact each other apart from email just to arrange next meet up. We did start doing intimate stuff like have a bubble bath after sex and talk. He did care about me but we had rules and boundaries we both stuck to. It went a bit wrong when in the act he told me he loved me ( which I suspected, he was also married). I ended it, had another planned child with my ex and was miserable in the marriage . My Fwb went abroad but he called me a few times when I was on mat leave as I was having a tough time. He was 7 years older than me and I looked up to him and respected him. We never got back together and I’m glad. I left my ex years later and met a lovely man. I do regret having an fwb with a married man and I’m angry with myself as I wasted 4 years on this arrangement as it helped numb the pain in my marriage where I should have grown some and left!
the sex was really bloody good though, a lot of passion for each other but not something I’m proud of. I am so glad we both stuck to the rules and that our partners didn’t find out. Even almost 4 years ago when I was changing jobs and needed someone to look at the contract, he checked it all for me. I haven’t spoken to him since and I do think of him From time to time and hope he’s ok!

[Superlambaanana]

On thank you all so much for your replies. Your experiences are all really fascinating! It seems most of you:

• Really were friends with your fwb.
• Fancied them.
• Had some level of 'feelings' for them.
• Did some nice non-sex things with them.
• Drew the line at living with them or doing any kind of domestic business for them (cooking, cleaning, caring when sick etc)
• But it was still complicated and you often either went off them or ended up in a relationship with them.

If I proceed with this, I would want someone who is a friend, but not too much because I don't want to share every thought with them. And someone's I find somewhat attractive, but not too much, because I want to stay in control. And someone who doesn't want anymore than occasional hangouts. I think that might last longer than the usual 'mad passion for 2 years then ick'.