Anyone ever pulled out of going on holiday with your in-laws... experiences please!

[edinburghvibes]

I originally wrote this trying to be totally not-outing, but have probably failed!

I've made the decision not to go on an upcoming holiday with my in-laws in a few weeks (parents in law + sister in law and her family going as well as us, so there's a lot of people going). DH is still planning to go with our young children as far as I know.

My relationship with my SiL significantly deteriorated late last year. We had a big 'falling out' that was really horrible. I've seen her a couple of times since this at family gatherings, only for a few hours each time and still found it really hard to be around her. Hard not to go into loads of details but also don't want to overshare. Suffice to say this person said some absolutely vile things to me and after DH asked her to apologise she chose to continue to attack me instead. She only offered me an apology when DH became angry towards her (very unlike him). She was then quick to tell me it's all my fault as soon as my DH wasn't there, so he thinks I've had a genuine apology but I don't view it the same way. His family's way of managing conflict is that I need to forget and forgive and pretend everything is ok. It doesn't help that on these two occasions I've seen her I haven't felt supported by DH, likely as he's part of the family who doesn't handle conflict well so also just wants me to accept being treated as I have been and just go back to being happy families.

This holiday was literally booked a week after the 'fall out' had occurred and I had said to DH at the time he was asked to confirm our availability that I wouldn't be going. I think he hoped my feelings would change as it's been a few months now but it still feels like this holiday is too much, too soon for me. Relevant information might also be that this holiday location is a field, where there's no phone signal, wifi, or any amenities accessible on foot within a 3 mile radius so feels like if I went and things got bad and I needed space it would be very hard for me to get it. I've told DH my decision and he's said he wants me to come but appreciates he can't force me to.

Purely from the perspective of my wellbeing I know it's the right move to not go. I've really tried to gear myself to go and adopt strategies to help me manage it all, but I end up feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and feel really low at the thought of it. I'm also a people pleaser by nature, so naturally feel uneasy in putting myself first in that I worry DH will struggle with the kids away from home and also that my DCs may miss me (although less worried about this in some ways as I know they'll have a great time with their cousins and grandparents). If anything I'm more worried about them just seeing me very tense and upset while it's meant to be a fun family holiday for everyone. I had to go and cry in the toilet several times we were all around her last time. I find it really draining having to "act" normal and happy all the time we're together now).

Can I ask if anyone else here has made the choice not to go on a holiday under similar circumstances (i.e. poor relationships with in-laws!) and whether on reflection it was the right choice? Happy to hear any experiences - whether it was the right choice or people regretted it.

Thanks all and an additional thank you for reading that essay. 😅

[heldinadream]

Not made that specific decision but I went NC with lots of family fifty years ago and never, ever regretted it. Free yourself from these obligations OP. Don't go. It's fine. It really is.

[Stuckinthemiddle7890]

Op i feel for you . I really do. Me personally don't have great relations with inalws (we are all no contact now) and for this reason we never ever arranged holidays with them. Even if they asked my hubby would just make excuses because you just can't trust how they might behave. This became a sore subject for them when we would holiday with my sister... can I ask.. do you get on with your pils aside from their attitude of just expecting you to get on with it? I'm just thinking why should you be isolated from the holiday, you're a family member too and it sounds like you're happy for your hubby to go with the kids which is really nice of you which makes me more cross you'll be left out. I personally feel your pils should be forcing the sil to behave as they are the blood relatives and should consider how upset you must be not to attend a family holiday, will it kill sil to be kind to another family member for the sake of everyone going on the trip and not isolating someone?? What kind of pils dont speak up?? Sorry I know I've gone to points you haven't really flagged but it really annoyed me that us as the inalws always have to step back because blood family can't see how hurtful they are being. If I thought for one minute my sil was in the loos crying on her own ,I'd be devastated that there's someone who feels that alone in a family setting. You really aren't alone in this. Lots of us avoid hols with the inlaws.

[StrawberryWater]

I went no contact with my in-laws about 10 years ago. Best thing I ever did.

My husband can do whatever he wants and I don't stop him seeing his family but I will not subject myself or our kids to their poison. No way, no how.

[AllEars112232]

I made a conscious decision not to be around my SiL a few years ago now. DH can see hey if he wants to (he doesn't!) but I won't give her one more second of my time.
Best decision ever!!

I think you've made the right call especially as you have no escape route if you did go. Things might change as time moves on, but for now you are right up avoid.

(Oh and your DH would benefit from some therapy , it's not normal or healthy to avoid conflict to this extent!!).

[MILTOBE]

There is no way that I'd go, but I think they will all go overboard to give your kids a great time so that they don't miss you. They'll then tell you that in great detail.

[Stuckinthemiddle7890]

@MILTOBE

There is no way that I'd go, but I think they will all go overboard to give your kids a great time so that they don't miss you. They'll then tell you that in great detail.

If it means that much to them for the kids to have a good time why can't they extend an olive branch to op so the kids have their mum 🤔 or is the point to spoil the kids so the daughter in law feels even more isolated like you said the kids will tell their mum in great detail ... is this what you meant mil to be...

[MILTOBE]

Yes, to increase her isolation.

After all, they want her to suffer. That's what all this is about.

OP, I'd get your ducks in a row with regard to finances in your marriage. Your husband doesn't have your back. In years to come you need to make sure you work full time and train up for the best job you can get, as I've a feeling you will be glad of that.

[Octavia64]

Yes I have done similar

It was absolutely the right decision.

[MissSookieStackhouse]

For what it’s worth, I think you’ve made the right decision. Being stuck in a field for a week with someone you can’t stand sounds horrendous! You’ve made the decision, now free yourself from the guilt, relax and enjoy the time in your own! Your children will be fine with their Dad and other relatives. By not going, it will signal to others in the family that you aren’t going to be walked over.

[MzHz]

What on earth happened that you had to go and cry in the bathroom several times @edinburghvibes

[afjliytc]

In a similar-ish situation, in that I've been NC with ILs for around 18 months after falling out over ILs hurtful, blatant favouritism towards BIL/SIL and vindictive, vile behaviour over the years. I still don't think they really see the hurt they've caused.

Their olive branch was a holiday for everyone, which if I didn't except would be the end of any reconciliation and make me look like the bad guy. TBH I'm dreading it as I'll feel really uncomfortable the whole time which MIL will pick up on and probably use against me at some point. Maybe it will be fine and bring us closer together, who knows

[Daffodilsarentfluffy]

Imo holidays and your free time aren't to be spent with cunts. If sil falls into the cunt catagory then don't go. Dh can manage his dc and his family. While you do whatever you want. The day I stopped visiting ils altogether was very very liberating... We instill boundaries into our dc yet falsify the liking of bullies to keep the peace.. Fuck that.

[DSD9472]

I too think you have done the right thing, but DH should be supporting you and having a family holiday with just you and kids. I wouldn't be happy with DH going on holiday with them, all happy families, after this.

I had similar, but SIL had a massive fight with both DH and myself. IMO it stems from jealousy and immaturity- even though she is my age! We no longer attend any family events with them, but do see his mum separately. We were never close beforehand, so no loss there, but I do miss seeing my niece/nephews and suspect we will never have a relationship with them ever again.

[edinburghvibes]

Thank you so much for all the replies. I was honestly expecting to get flamed a bit as can be MN tradition 😅 Will try and reply to as many as possible individually but thank you x

[edinburghvibes]

@Stuckinthemiddle7890 SiL would very much argue otherwise, but from the outside she very much rules the roost as it were. My MiL even commented when I saw her last that she lets SiL have her own way as "anything for an easy life". 🤷🏻‍♀️

[edinburghvibes]

@AllEars112232 It's hard for DH. I wasn't sure whether to share this, but as several other posters have also given experiences of going NC...
So in my family there is no history of anyone going NC with anyone. In DH's family it's been much more normalised and I've seen how upsetting that's been for DH's generation so for that reason I'm making an effort to not to this so my children can make their own decisions when they're older about whether they want a relationship with her. The flip side of this is DH is fearful of upsetting his family incase he (or me and the kids) are also cut off. I agree it's not healthy!

[edinburghvibes]

@MissSookieStackhouse thank you, I think this is the reassurance I needed.

[Capmagturk]

No I haven't as my inlaws are all lovely but I think you're 100% making the right decision not to go. Your husband will cope fine with his family there to help and the kids will have a ball. I'd stay home and enjoy the peace knowing you have avoided anymore issues or being made to feel shit again.

[edinburghvibes]

@MzHz

What on earth happened that you had to go and cry in the bathroom several times @edinburghvibes

I honestly don't want to go into full content incase of being outing, but what she said during her messages to me in the heat of it was so incredibly personal and hurtful that I'm just finding it impossible to be around her and not see her for what she said to me if that makes sense?

[SmallFY]

Yes.

I'm 'lucky' enough to have an unwell parent who needs a lot of support.

So I have used that a couple of times to dodge holidays with the in laws.

Have gone other times but there's no benefit to my being there.

MIL books them for her children and grandchildren and it's very clear us children in law are in the way.

DH and DC have a good time. I'm not stressed for weeks leading up to it.

Win-win.

[edinburghvibes]

@afjliytc This is exactly my fear, I'm sorry you're in the same situation. I feel like I've had two 'dry runs' inn arguably less stressful settings and they didn't go well. I hope your experience is more positive and different. X

[EasterFunnyBunny]

What daffodilsarefluffy said… life is much too short for that sort of nonsense 🌼

[edinburghvibes]

@DSD9472 Your post made me laugh with empathy in some ways, SiL is also my age but turns out we're very different people.

I think an additional relevant detail is that we haven't paid for this trip, parent in laws have, so I'd feel bad if all of us didn't go I'd feel terrible at the thought of PiL's losing money. If DH and kids go it still costs the same if that makes sense.

[HesterPrincess]

I'm NC with my sister, and I will only attend family gatherings where I know I have an "out" that can be quick, quiet and non confrontational. I've learned the hard way how to avoid her malice.

It's shit, but I've learned as I've aged that only you can manage your sense of self preservation. If other family don't have your back, don't enter the lions den.

[grinandslothit]

I've done that before and had zero regrets. Especially since the marriage didn't work out later on, and I'm glad I didn't be their punching bag during our marriage.

I hope you find something enjoyable for yourself to do with your free time.